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Thread: Feeling desperate

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    #11
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    I relate.


    once I sent dh a package and all he did was bitch that I sent the wrong stuff.
    so when he needed sheets, I gave him something to bitch about and sent him a Disney princess sheet set.
    I'm not suggesting you get petty and passive aggressive like I did, but just saying I relate.

    I'm sorry, deployment is rough. I would attempt to tell her how you feel, maybe she could offer some reassurance.
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    #12


    HAHA, I know I shouldn't find that funny but it kinda is.
    Did he see the funny side in the end?
    I have resolved to only send her what she asks for and nothing more. That way no ones feelings get hurt.

    I will try my best to tell her how I feel. She knows most of it I think but its different for her. She's busy working and exploring new places and I don't want to bring that down because I am feeling sad.
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    #13
    Quote Originally Posted by NikNak View Post
    Thank you for the advice. I will try to figure my stuff out. I have been in and out of therapy for many years and find it a bit hit and miss.
    I know that one of my problems is that I have too much time to sit about and wallow. Sometimes itís hard to get out of your own way if you know what I mean?!

    I mentioned before that sheís coming home for leave soon. Sheíll be back for 2 weeks then sheís going again. Iím already worrying about that and sheís not even back yet!
    Iím a worrier, always have been.
    Iím still looking for the off switch to my brain.
    I get it I'm an over-thinker, DB jokes that all our problems are made up in my head, but luckily he grants me a lot of grace when I have my freak out moments because of problems I invented in my head based on *could happen* type thoughts - like if A happens, then B could happen, then C could happen, then suddenly we're at Z in my head but A hasn't even happened yet LOL but my issues stem from previous crap and aren't related to DB so while he's super patient with me I actively try to work on my issues so that I don't inadvertently take it out on him!

    No one is saying deployments rock, but it's part of life when your other half is military - life is too short to be miserable so you have to find ways to make life continue and still be awesome even though the love of your life is super far away.

    Try to enjoy the 2 weeks you get with your Navy woman and not focus on the fact that she leaves again after the 2 weeks.
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    #14
    Yeah, see my issues are from childhood and piled on top of that are issues from previous relationships. I don't want to ruin what I have with my DG (I'm learning the lingo) , because of my own insecurities. It is so hard missing them though isn't it? Well I am finding it hard. My life is pretty empty and I know that that is a problem also. Now theres a huge DG sized hole in my life and in my heart and it hurts.

    I will try harder to fill the void. This is all a learning curve for me so hopefully I will be a better person for it in the end.
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    #15
    Quote Originally Posted by NikNak View Post


    HAHA, I know I shouldn't find that funny but it kinda is.
    Did he see the funny side in the end?
    I have resolved to only send her what she asks for and nothing more. That way no ones feelings get hurt.

    I will try my best to tell her how I feel. She knows most of it I think but its different for her. She's busy working and exploring new places and I don't want to bring that down because I am feeling sad.
    oh I laughed all the way to the post office.
    He did, and he kept them, and our daughter uses them now. He bought himself a hello kitty set too. weird? maybe.
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    #16
    Setting expectations for communication during deployment or any prolonged absence is super important. Perhaps the two of you have very different expectations regarding communication. Itís somethjng that you should explicitly discuss. Even if the ability to communicate will be spotty, something like ďI will contact you whenever I can or at least every x amount of daysĒ is better than no expectations and then you know that if you have not heard from her itís because she is unable to contact you, not because she doesnít want to.
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    #17
    That all makes sense. Again I will try, that all I can do really. Just try my best.
    It's little things that upset me like when she's shoreside and she's got the day off to do as she pleases, she will text saying "Just going to pop out and I'll phone you as soon as I get back" So I wait, and wait and wait....for hours then late at night I get a phone call saying "I'm tired so I'm going to bed, bye".
    I feel like I have been completely sidelined. I know I probably shouldn't get upset about these thing but I find that I do
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    #18
    Quote Originally Posted by Medic2Doula View Post
    I relate.


    once I sent dh a package and all he did was bitch that I sent the wrong stuff.
    so when he needed sheets, I gave him something to bitch about and sent him a Disney princess sheet set.
    I'm not suggesting you get petty and passive aggressive like I did, but just saying I relate.

    I'm sorry, deployment is rough. I would attempt to tell her how you feel, maybe she could offer some reassurance.
    This is hilarious! I did something similar (although less funny) and when DH told me he forgot to bring a water bottle, I send him one of mine but made sure it was the girliest one I had (sadly just a cute sea foam green instead of princesses) and when I asked how he liked it, he actually said he loved it because he knew it was my favourite one and also because itís less likely that someone will take it because itís a bright color and everyone knows itís his lol.


    To touch on OPís concerns though, deployment sucks. Itís arguably one of the worst things Iíve been through because I had already been long distance with my DH and I wanted so badly for us to settle in together, but the Navy had other plans. So a little over a month after I moved to be with him, he left. So far itís been almost 2 months, and I have my good days and my bad days. I cried constantly for the first week, and I didnít think I could handle it, but then suddenly a switch in my head flipped. I thought about how even though communication is really spotty and I miss his face and his voice, Iíve got a new appreciation for emails. I found out that crafting (scrapbooking, care package decorating) is a new hobby of mine, and itís so much fun! I got out of my box and made a bunch of friends, and Iíve learned a lot about myself. Sometimes it feels like DH is a different person because typically heís very mushy and sweet, and always has the right things to say, but sometimes since heís been gone, he just seems empty. Heís exhausted, heís stressed out, he has a really rough schedule right now. So sometimes, he has bad days. At first, I would get so angry with him when he was acting ďdifferentĒ because in my mind, I thought we were growing apart and he was falling out of love with me. But we talked about it, and I realized that those moments where heís broken down, and tired, he needs me to remind him that everything is okay, and that Iíll be on that pier waiting for him when he comes home with open arms. This is my first deployment with him, but heís been deployed many times. Itís different being deployed when youíre single vs when youíve got another person waiting for you back home. He said it adds a lot of stress and he worries about me and worries that Iím going to resent him for being gone. So we communicate about it, and I remind him that I got into this relationship knowing he was in the navy and that he could be deployed, and that Iím okay with that.

    Itís been a difficult road for me, and nobody is going to tell you itís easy, but I will say that this relationship has been very rewarding. Iíve never felt such a strong bond with someone before. Making it through the distance, and still being in love is such an amazing feeling. Itís hard right now, but like AMP said, the distance is temporary, we are forever. So if you love your sailor, hold onto her as tight as you can. Hold onto her through the distance, and let your love break apart all of the sadness and the doubt because I promise you, when you have her back in your arms it is going to be the most amazing thing youíve ever felt.
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    #19
    I totally agree with xylilz - deployments suck and no one is trying to tell you it doesn't, but it can be a super rewarding experience and you can end up putting a positive swing on things and getting a lot of value out of the time you get for yourself - learning new skills or re-discovering old passions etc.

    As for feeling sidelined, I think everyone gets that...no one is saying it's all smooth sailing, and you're right all you can do is try your best, but sometimes overthinking is an issue...sometimes like xylilz said they aren't falling out of love with you they are just crazy exhausted and stressed and it comes across short with their loved ones but it's not that they are upset or distant they are just drained and we need to be there to lift them up and remind them what's waiting at home!

    It's not ONLY hard on you, they worry too and it's not all fun for them it's LONG days and HARD work! Sometimes DB asks me "WHAT WAS I thinking putting in for this?" and then I have to push all "deployment sucks" thoughts out and be his little personal cheerleader encouraging him from the sidelines reminding him of all the reasons this is a great opportunity for his career and that we'll get through it! I know it seems weird to think you have to encourage them when they chose to do this for a living, but I was reminded on here that just because you choose something, because say you love the career etc it doesn't mean you love everything about it and sometimes even when you love it it's still hard and sucks at times.

    On the bright side, you have found a group of people here who are going through it or have been through similar things! So we get it. You can vent, you can lean on people, and while you may not always get what you want to hear you will likely get something you needed to hear in there
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    #20
    Quote Originally Posted by AMP1984 View Post
    I totally agree with xylilz - deployments suck and no one is trying to tell you it doesn't, but it can be a super rewarding experience and you can end up putting a positive swing on things and getting a lot of value out of the time you get for yourself - learning new skills or re-discovering old passions etc.

    As for feeling sidelined, I think everyone gets that...no one is saying it's all smooth sailing, and you're right all you can do is try your best, but sometimes overthinking is an issue...sometimes like xylilz said they aren't falling out of love with you they are just crazy exhausted and stressed and it comes across short with their loved ones but it's not that they are upset or distant they are just drained and we need to be there to lift them up and remind them what's waiting at home!

    It's not ONLY hard on you, they worry too and it's not all fun for them it's LONG days and HARD work! Sometimes DB asks me "WHAT WAS I thinking putting in for this?" and then I have to push all "deployment sucks" thoughts out and be his little personal cheerleader encouraging him from the sidelines reminding him of all the reasons this is a great opportunity for his career and that we'll get through it! I know it seems weird to think you have to encourage them when they chose to do this for a living, but I was reminded on here that just because you choose something, because say you love the career etc it doesn't mean you love everything about it and sometimes even when you love it it's still hard and sucks at times.

    On the bright side, you have found a group of people here who are going through it or have been through similar things! So we get it. You can vent, you can lean on people, and while you may not always get what you want to hear you will likely get something you needed to hear in there
    yea, I think there is healing in knowing it isn't just you and your relationship isn't doomed.
    It sucks, but not because of you two, because of the situation.
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