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Thread: He is leaving for deployment soon

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    #1

    He is leaving for deployment soon

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    Hello all,
    My SO is leaving to Afghanistan soon and I'm trying to be strong but have never felt anything like this before. We've been together for 2 1/2 years and i went through Basic Training with him which was hard but i know this will be harder. He came to visit me in san francisco (i go to school here) and he is now back in NC. I supposed my issue is that he opened up to me but not as much as i want him to. I know he has so much going through his head and of course he has been training to think logically and get his mind ready for this deployment but i feel a hole in my heart cause I'm feelings all these emotions so strongly and he isn't (or maybe he is just not showing it). Im being a little selfish i know, he is about to risk his life for our country so who am i to expect this from him? I guess this is just all happening so fast and i didn't mentally prepare as well as i thought i did. I searched online for support groups and unfortunately couldn't find anything up here in person which sucks cause i really feel i need to speak with someone about this who understands. Nobody close to me understands. I found this outlet and am hoping for some support. I am scared. I support him and truly believe he is such an incredible Marine but I'm still scared. Any thoughts are welcome, i just appreciate someone speaking to me about this whose gone through it or is going through it. I need a friend.
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    #2
    Hi!
    I literally just posted my similar situation this morning. ( Hello! 1 1/2 Deployment is the name of the post ) I agree with you that we don't get a chance to mentally prepare for these situations. My boyfriend also has a hard time showing emotion especially in these situations. I also looked for groups in my area and there is nothing smh.
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Myralisa View Post
    Hi!
    I literally just posted my similar situation this morning. ( Hello! 1 1/2 Deployment is the name of the post ) I agree with you that we don't get a chance to mentally prepare for these situations. My boyfriend also has a hard time showing emotion especially in these situations. I also looked for groups in my area and there is nothing smh.
    I feel like the more i try to find out what going on in his head the more he pulls away. and thats the last thing i want before he leaves on deployment. Idk if i should just not bring it up anymore (even tho my emotions are eating me from the inside out) and maybe he will open up to me a little. Its so discouraging that no support groups in my area. We can totally keep in touch and share thoughts cause i need someone who is going through this. Lets help each other!
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by KateeFIT View Post
    Hello all,
    My SO is leaving to Afghanistan soon and I'm trying to be strong but have never felt anything like this before. We've been together for 2 1/2 years and i went through Basic Training with him which was hard but i know this will be harder. He came to visit me in san francisco (i go to school here) and he is now back in NC. I supposed my issue is that he opened up to me but not as much as i want him to. I know he has so much going through his head and of course he has been training to think logically and get his mind ready for this deployment but i feel a hole in my heart cause I'm feelings all these emotions so strongly and he isn't (or maybe he is just not showing it). Im being a little selfish i know, he is about to risk his life for our country so who am i to expect this from him? I guess this is just all happening so fast and i didn't mentally prepare as well as i thought i did. I searched online for support groups and unfortunately couldn't find anything up here in person which sucks cause i really feel i need to speak with someone about this who understands. Nobody close to me understands. I found this outlet and am hoping for some support. I am scared. I support him and truly believe he is such an incredible Marine but I'm still scared. Any thoughts are welcome, i just appreciate someone speaking to me about this whose gone through it or is going through it. I need a friend.
    Quote Originally Posted by KateeFIT View Post
    I feel like the more i try to find out what going on in his head the more he pulls away. and thats the last thing i want before he leaves on deployment. Idk if i should just not bring it up anymore (even tho my emotions are eating me from the inside out) and maybe he will open up to me a little. Its so discouraging that no support groups in my area. We can totally keep in touch and share thoughts cause i need someone who is going through this. Lets help each other!
    What exactly are you trying to get out of him?

    Something that helped when my husband deployed was reminding myself they are trained to do this job.


    life's a party, rock your body
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by rayfinkle View Post
    What exactly are you trying to get out of him?

    Something that helped when my husband deployed was reminding myself they are trained to do this job.
    I keep telling myself that, i guess i just want an intimate conversation with him about all that he is feeling. Im feeling so much and when i share with him i feel as if I'm burdening him with my emotions. I know he is just being strong but it just hurts knowing I'm an emotional tornado and he isn't showing any.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by KateeFIT View Post
    I keep telling myself that, i guess i just want an intimate conversation with him about all that he is feeling. Im feeling so much and when i share with him i feel as if I'm burdening him with my emotions. I know he is just being strong but it just hurts knowing I'm an emotional tornado and he isn't showing any.
    In my experience, this sort of distancer-pursuer pattern is common with deployments, DH and I would always get in the worst fights before he was leaving for a deployment because my emotions were so high and his were shut down. I think one thing that happens is the deploying spouse starts to compartmentalize a lot of emotion because while deployed that can be a weakness. I think they also often think they are doing us a favor by not being emotional because the fear is it might make things harder. It might help if you can start to build some emotional supports with people other than him now before he leaves, so you can access them throughout the deployment. Nevertheless, what you're feeling is normal and completely valid. It's a scary thing, but you both can do this!!
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by KateeFIT View Post
    I feel like the more i try to find out what going on in his head the more he pulls away. and thats the last thing i want before he leaves on deployment. Idk if i should just not bring it up anymore (even tho my emotions are eating me from the inside out) and maybe he will open up to me a little. Its so discouraging that no support groups in my area. We can totally keep in touch and share thoughts cause i need someone who is going through this. Lets help each other!
    The more you push - the more he is going to pull away. He is preparing ...and part of preparing is internalizing. Been through this and it's hard for us because we want them to open up, communicate etc. but they are busy preparing themselves. I find that pre-deployment is almost more difficult than the actual deployment it's self.

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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by kw1214 View Post
    The more you push - the more he is going to pull away. He is preparing ...and part of preparing is internalizing. Been through this and it's hard for us because we want them to open up, communicate etc. but they are busy preparing themselves. I find that pre-deployment is almost more difficult than the actual deployment it's self.

    So much this. I was partially relieved that DH's current deployment was a pretty quick turn around (less than a month) because the pre-deployment part is the hardest for me/us. I think we want to get closer and talk about our feelings and yada yada yada...but that's now how my DH is. He'll listen while *I* talk, but he's usually pretty stoic and hard to read. He doesn't open up a ton. He makes a "to do list" and barrels through it to give him something to focus on.

    Let him know what you need, and then you have to decide if you're ok with what he's able to give you...because everybody is going to handle deployment a little differently. But that doesn't give him the right to walk all over you (not saying he is in any way, shape or form)...but you also have a right to get your needs met so working to find that balance is part of growing together
    Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like a boss.

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    #10
    So he actually broke up with me yesterday saying he isn't in love with me anymore and my heart is broken, I was preparing for this and we just spent a week together and now i can't help but feel that was fake. he called me this morning saying he wants me back but idk how I'm supposed to give all of my heart to someone who just shattered it.
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