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Thread: recovering from a NICU baby... (kinda long)

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    #1

    Help recovering from a NICU baby... (kinda long)

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    [not sure where to put this, so MODS if you think it goes better in Pregnancy or Advice sorry and feel free to move me haha]

    Ok so here's my problem: Eva was in the NICU for 2 1/2 weeks, which granted isn't a HUGE time, but it's a LONG time to go without your newborn baby, not being able to hold her, feed her, some days even touch her... long painful 17 days.

    She has bounced back just fine. Is ahead of her age in many ways, 90%+ in height and weight, eating great, growing great, happy (when she's not teething), ect.

    Me on the other hand? Not doing so well. I can't stand being in a different room then her. Even when she goes to bed, I have issues watching a movie with DF in another room without checking on her 800 million times. I've only left her with someone twice, once with DF for 3 hours, and once with my mom for less then 2, and I felt like I was gonna go crazy.

    Now being pregnant again, I won't let myself get attached to my little boy It's so hard. I feel like it was MY fault Eva was in the NICU and like I'm going to do something wrong agian, so I'm not getting attached just in case the same thing happens (even though DF always points out, the Drs said if Eva hadn't come out the day she had that she would have strangled herself). Even talking to DF I always say "I feel the baby" not "I feel Jeffery" like I always did with Eva. I feel so terrible about it, but I don't know how to bounce back and feel confident that he's going to be ok when I was so sure Eva was fine last time, and I almost lost her...

    In short I guess I was just wondering if there's any other NICU mom's out there (or anyone really haha) who have felt the same attachment/detachment and have any advice for me to try and help me out? I just hate it, cause I want to be excited over Little J, but I just won't let myself and I don't know how to fix it...
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    #2
    I had a similar problem when I was pregnant with my 2nd and 3rd kids. Isaiah was born at 24 weeks because my body hates being pregnant and I dilated without contractions

    I got pregnant with my 2nd while Isaiah was still in the hospital. I definitely didn't let myself get attached. I thought my body would betray me again and that this next time it wouldn't turn out as well as it did with Isaiah. Even knowing how irrational that was, I felt the same way with my 3rd. I don't think I called her by her name when talking about her until I was 6 months along.

    It's really hard getting over having a preemie. You are super protective with that one baby and super attached as well. Trust me though, that does go away. It takes some time and it's hard, but it'll get easier for you to let yourself feel attached to your new baby boy. Just give it some time

    PM me any time if you need to talk
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by OneHappyMama View Post
    I had a similar problem when I was pregnant with my 2nd and 3rd kids. Isaiah was born at 24 weeks because my body hates being pregnant and I dilated without contractions

    I got pregnant with my 2nd while Isaiah was still in the hospital. I definitely didn't let myself get attached. I thought my body would betray me again and that this next time it wouldn't turn out as well as it did with Isaiah. Even knowing how irrational that was, I felt the same way with my 3rd. I don't think I called her by her name when talking about her until I was 6 months along.

    It's really hard getting over having a preemie. You are super protective with that one baby and super attached as well. Trust me though, that does go away. It takes some time and it's hard, but it'll get easier for you to let yourself feel attached to your new baby boy. Just give it some time

    PM me any time if you need to talk
    Thanks, in short I guess it's just nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this... It's been almost 7 months and I still feel like I can't be in a different room than her without feeling like I'm abandoning her. It's driving me crazy, but knowing I'm not alone defiantly helps
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    #4
    I don't have that problem, but people told me that I was too attached to my DD because I wasn't comfortable leaving her with other people for long amounts of time..(or at all for a while). She was EBF and at 9 days old I got a kidney stone and had to leave her with my MIL (who just happened to be visiting us) for around 12 hours..then had to go home and give her a bottle..it broke my heart and I just never wanted to leave her...I BFed again after 5 days, we co-sleep and if she was napping I would check on her ever so often. Eventually it got better..I can leave her for a few hours now...but I still won't be leaving her for an extended amount of time. I can't imagine what you must have felt

    My BFF had her baby in the NICU for over 3 months! She will leave him in a room to sleep, but has a sleep pad monitor and regular monitor..he's still too small to really leave though. I know she is scared to try for another baby, but it is still to early to seriously contemplate that for her.

    As for not getting attached to your son, my mom has told me that she wasn't attached to ANY of us until AFTER we came out. Some women don't get attached to their baby in the womb, but when they come out it's all fine.
    Some women even need time after the baby is born to get attached.

    In NO way would any of that make you a bad mom!! In NO way does that mean that there is something wrong with you or that you aren't "normal"

    I'm LeAndra

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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by chickadeebaby View Post
    I don't have that problem, but people told me that I was too attached to my DD because I wasn't comfortable leaving her with other people for long amounts of time..(or at all for a while). She was EBF and at 9 days old I got a kidney stone and had to leave her with my MIL (who just happened to be visiting us) for around 12 hours..then had to go home and give her a bottle..it broke my heart and I just never wanted to leave her...I BFed again after 5 days, we co-sleep and if she was napping I would check on her ever so often. Eventually it got better..I can leave her for a few hours now...but I still won't be leaving her for an extended amount of time. I can't imagine what you must have felt

    My BFF had her baby in the NICU for over 3 months! She will leave him in a room to sleep, but has a sleep pad monitor and regular monitor..he's still too small to really leave though. I know she is scared to try for another baby, but it is still to early to seriously contemplate that for her.

    As for not getting attached to your son, my mom has told me that she wasn't attached to ANY of us until AFTER we came out. Some women don't get attached to their baby in the womb, but when they come out it's all fine.
    Some women even need time after the baby is born to get attached.

    In NO way would any of that make you a bad mom!! In NO way does that mean that there is something wrong with you or that you aren't "normal"




    My best friend wasn't attached to my niece at all while she was pregnant. She loved Eva, but she just didn't have that super special pregnant mom/baby bond that you hear about. But once Eva was born, she immediately fell in love with her. She is a wonderful mother.

    You didn't do anything wrong darlin. Eva being born early wasn't your fault. You are still a fabulous mommy, and you will be a fabulous mommy to your little boy.

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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by BellaFarfalla View Post
    [not sure where to put this, so MODS if you think it goes better in Pregnancy or Advice sorry and feel free to move me haha]

    Ok so here's my problem: Eva was in the NICU for 2 1/2 weeks, which granted isn't a HUGE time, but it's a LONG time to go without your newborn baby, not being able to hold her, feed her, some days even touch her... long painful 17 days.

    She has bounced back just fine. Is ahead of her age in many ways, 90%+ in height and weight, eating great, growing great, happy (when she's not teething), ect.

    Me on the other hand? Not doing so well. I can't stand being in a different room then her. Even when she goes to bed, I have issues watching a movie with DF in another room without checking on her 800 million times. I've only left her with someone twice, once with DF for 3 hours, and once with my mom for less then 2, and I felt like I was gonna go crazy.

    Now being pregnant again, I won't let myself get attached to my little boy It's so hard. I feel like it was MY fault Eva was in the NICU and like I'm going to do something wrong agian, so I'm not getting attached just in case the same thing happens (even though DF always points out, the Drs said if Eva hadn't come out the day she had that she would have strangled herself). Even talking to DF I always say "I feel the baby" not "I feel Jeffery" like I always did with Eva. I feel so terrible about it, but I don't know how to bounce back and feel confident that he's going to be ok when I was so sure Eva was fine last time, and I almost lost her...

    In short I guess I was just wondering if there's any other NICU mom's out there (or anyone really haha) who have felt the same attachment/detachment and have any advice for me to try and help me out? I just hate it, cause I want to be excited over Little J, but I just won't let myself and I don't know how to fix it...
    I'm a NICU nurse, and I completely understand where you are coming from! It makes me sad that you have these feelings, but it is completely normal! If you don't mind me asking, was she premature? (It's okay if that's too personal to answer)...but I'm asking because it probably didn't have anything to do with anything you did during pregnancy. Sometimes, for various reasons, babies are born early/have congenital disorders and moms usually DO feel guilty, but 99% of the time, it has nothing to do with them. Sounds like you are doing a great job! Hang in there!
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    Quote Originally Posted by BellaFarfalla View Post
    Thanks, in short I guess it's just nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this... It's been almost 7 months and I still feel like I can't be in a different room than her without feeling like I'm abandoning her. It's driving me crazy, but knowing I'm not alone defiantly helps
    my older two are 2 and 3 and I still have problems leaving them for more than a few hours. it's a mom thing
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    #8
    I think everything you're feeling and going through sounds totally normal, considering the circumstances! I wouldn't worry or feel too bad about anything that you're feeling. Once that baby is in your arms, it will change everything.

    As far as leaving your baby - don't feel bad about that either. It's totally a mom thing. I've only ever went somewhere without my daughter 3 times in 7 months - Twice were hair cuts when she was with DH, and the one time we both went out to dinner we left her with my best friends mom (who is basically like my mom). It was rough.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Mary4 View Post
    I'm a NICU nurse, and I completely understand where you are coming from! It makes me sad that you have these feelings, but it is completely normal! If you don't mind me asking, was she premature? (It's okay if that's too personal to answer)...but I'm asking because it probably didn't have anything to do with anything you did during pregnancy. Sometimes, for various reasons, babies are born early/have congenital disorders and moms usually DO feel guilty, but 99% of the time, it has nothing to do with them. Sounds like you are doing a great job! Hang in there!
    she was 7 1/2 weeks early. Her cord was wrapped around her neck twice and the only thing that saved her was A: that they miscalculated my due date, so they didn't stop my labor (they thought I was only 6 weeks early) B: Her hand was between her neck and her cord and C: that I DID go into labor so early (which is why I don't understand how I blame myself, it actually SAVED her that she was born so early) They said she wouldn't have made it even 3 more days. She was purple when she was born and was on CPAP and oxygen and all that jazz.

    I found an OB that does ultrasounds EVER time I go in, and I love that, so I'm pretty sad I'm moving and have to leave cause I picked this dr for that reason so we could keep an eye on Little J so I'm even more freaked out now that I need to find a new OB and I doubt they'll do that.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by BellaFarfalla View Post
    she was 7 1/2 weeks early. Her cord was wrapped around her neck twice and the only thing that saved her was A: that they miscalculated my due date, so they didn't stop my labor (they thought I was only 6 weeks early) B: Her hand was between her neck and her cord and C: that I DID go into labor so early (which is why I don't understand how I blame myself, it actually SAVED her that she was born so early) They said she wouldn't have made it even 3 more days. She was purple when she was born and was on CPAP and oxygen and all that jazz.

    I found an OB that does ultrasounds EVER time I go in, and I love that, so I'm pretty sad I'm moving and have to leave cause I picked this dr for that reason so we could keep an eye on Little J so I'm even more freaked out now that I need to find a new OB and I doubt they'll do that.
    Wow...I say that's AMAZING she was born early, then. For the most part, preterm births aren't related to actions of the mother. There are always exceptions, but sometimes it just happens and it's NOT your fault. You did everything you could to keep her safe for 32.5 weeks and that is something to be proud of. Nuchal cord can be scary, but it's good that it wasn't as severe as some. I would say she was a good case of a preterm birth, because with CPAP, they are breathing on their own, versus a ventilator. Not to downplay ANYTHING you felt, I just want you to know you did a GREAT job and she is just fine now, so that's great I don't think it's unreasonable at all to have the emotions you are having, especially with that terrifying experience, but just know that you are a great mom and will do a great job with the next one as well! There are some things that are just out of our control, unfortunately, but you did a great job! Good luck with your next little one

    Perhaps, explain your past experience to your new OB (or call around) and see if it's an option for the U/S? Or ask your old OB if they have someone they can refer you to.

    BTW, if that is Eva in your profile pic, she is BEAUTIFUL!
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