is it normal to experience signs that lead to PPD at 4 months pp? just this past week or two, i've been more emotion and i have never wanted to get a pot and bang it on my head more than i do now. i just want to sit and cry and cry.

i had some depression problems when i first got pregnant because the death of my best friend was just months prior. but later on i was just fine and pregnancy was wonderful.

i had this all written out in my head, the things i am feeling. one important thing is i have yet to have that moment where i realize im a mommy. i love her to death and miss her when im gone but in no way do i feel like i have a mother attachment to her. im so happy when someone else holds her, especially df, i feel like maybe he'll see how much crying goes on when hes with her but hes so much stronger than me. im just so confused.

two nights ago, df told me that he is positive that my dr is the reason ellie went to the nicu. i had no idea that ellie was "sunny side up" when she came out. thats not the reason, just something i didnt know. he said that the dr waited SO LONG to suction out her mouth, like i pushed out her head, he put her on my belly and rubbed her off and then finally started to suction out her mouth. i remember them calling in a nicu dr while we were still in our room but he left, so i had no idea why i wasnt allowed to see her that day.

that may not be the real reason of her being in there, it could very possibly be that i delivered too quickly, which is what they told me, but its just something i think about and am a little hurt. especially because of the debt that the nicu has put me in . we're counting at $8k now maybe had he suctioned her out we'd be jsut fine. i definetly dont like thiking about all this but i cant get it out of my mind!


sorry, i really needed to type this out. i started to yesterday and then i deleted it. there is too much going on