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Thread: I have a million questions, so any advice is appreciated!

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    #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sabrina22LE View Post
    How long have you been dating? Have you seen him under a lot of stress? How does he handle anger? What kind of patience does he have? Is his parenting style compatible with yours? As a mother you should be asking yourself these questions and making sure that this is smart, safe, and practical before throwing yourself and your young children all the way to Hawaii. It sounds irresponsible. Why not wait until everything is planned out?

    I also think you're severely underestimating how expensive living in Hawaii is. You say you'll just shop at Walmart, but even Walmart is going to be more expensive there than in the states. You're going to be paying thousands for a tiny house and how do you know you'll have enough to pay the rent until BAH kicks in? How much do you have saved? BAH can sometimes take months to kick in(it took ours about 2 months) not to mention you'll be paying deposits, first and last, etc. Then there's bills, possibly deposits on those, furniture, food, the plane tickets to get there.

    You say you'll just go and get a job, but it's really not that simple, first you'll probably need a car to get to work and you don't want a beater. Do you know his credit score? Buying a new car is going to be another big expense. Have you looked at employment possibilities in the area? Do you have any experience, degrees, certificates, or other qualifications? If you work who will watch your children?

    By the way, you DID ask for advice on you relationship, so don't get aggresive when people need a little more info.
    If you actually read my post you would know I didn't ask for advice on my relationship because I don't need it, but thank you for your concern. Wait to plan what out? We are getting married at the end of January, I think that gives me plenty of time to get everything planned out.

    I know it's expensive. Why does everyone think I'm underestimating how expensive it is? I have friends who live/lived there so I'm not really going in blind. It's expensive where I live now as a single mother who doesn't receive any child support but I've managed for the past 4 years. I will be staying here until he gets housing. I've already looked up plane tickets and they're not as bad as I expected them to be.

    I'm sure we will be able to share his car until I can get one. I have an associate's degree in Accounting. I will have to interview possible baby-sitters, which I already know.
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    #12
    Quote Originally Posted by Heisenberg View Post
    Btw once you get married, do your kids become his dependents by default or does he have to legally adopt them? That's another thing to consider, I don't have kids so idk what the rules are but idk if your kids can go to base schools or be treated at MTFs.

    I'd also definitely start looking for jobs well before you go there. There are a ton of people on that island so there's a lot of competition even for shitty retail jobs. I mean I don't doubt you'll be able to find something but it could take a minute.
    I have full custody of my kids so once we are married they will be considered his dependents as well. I plan to start looking for a job once it's a little closer to January. I can't exactly go interview for one until I'm actually there. This is another use of my savings/tax return.
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    #13
    Quote Originally Posted by arierosie View Post
    I have full custody of my kids so once we are married they will be considered his dependents as well. I plan to start looking for a job once it's a little closer to January. I can't exactly go interview for one until I'm actually there. This is another use of my savings/tax return.
    That's good! I wasn't sure how that all worked. It's good that you already know someone there too, I loved it in Hawaii but it was a bigger adjustment than I thought it would be. Having a friend on the island will make it easier, I'm sure.
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    #14
    Quote Originally Posted by Heisenberg View Post
    That's good! I wasn't sure how that all worked. It's good that you already know someone there too, I loved it in Hawaii but it was a bigger adjustment than I thought it would be. Having a friend on the island will make it easier, I'm sure.
    I think I will like it there. I also have no problem making new friends as well. So basically we just have to hope he's able to take leave in January because we are funny and think an anniversary of 01/23 is awesome. Then I guess I'm just going to leave the rest up to him with the housing and whatnot. Will they kick him out of the barracks when he gets back if I'm not with him? I don't want him to be homeless while he's trying to find housing for us.

    Also, he thought it would be a good idea for us to swap our stuff so he can sell his and they can take mine. It's nothing huge, just my dining room table, small kitchen appliances, bathroom shelving, and maybe some empty (obviously) picture frames.
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    #15
    Honestly, plan on all the processes you need completed to move taking a lot longer than expected. because that's just how it works.

    I saw you mentioned walmart and findind deals and stuff, but even walmart is more expensive there. Just like other islands. my dh is in Guam and spent 10 bucks on *just* the sandwhich at subway, and 22 bucks at popeyes. For one person.
    The cost of living is wayyyy out there. I would highly suggest getting married and staying stateside until all the paperwork is done, and then he could secure housing and you could move from there.
    I know long distance sucks, but I would hate for you to get there and be in need of employment and housing and up the creek without a paddle.
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    #16
    Quote Originally Posted by Medic2Doula View Post
    Honestly, plan on all the processes you need completed to move taking a lot longer than expected. because that's just how it works.

    I saw you mentioned walmart and findind deals and stuff, but even walmart is more expensive there. Just like other islands. my dh is in Guam and spent 10 bucks on *just* the sandwhich at subway, and 22 bucks at popeyes. For one person.
    The cost of living is wayyyy out there. I would highly suggest getting married and staying stateside until all the paperwork is done, and then he could secure housing and you could move from there.
    I know long distance sucks, but I would hate for you to get there and be in need of employment and housing and up the creek without a paddle.
    I'm aware of how expensive it is, but I can cook and make meals last a few days so hopefully we won't be eating out a lot. We just hate the idea of being apart longer than we have to be. He said we will facetime every day, but it's not the same and I haven't looked up the exact time difference yet. I just wanted to get a general idea of the best way to approach everything.

    Since we will be waiting until he has housing secured, will I have to pay the plane tickets myself since I'm not command sponsored? It's totally fine if I do I'm just trying to get a general idea of everything.
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    #17
    Don't swap your stuff out. That is def fraud.

    Also, once he gets divorced, he will have to let his personnel know. Then he won't get BAH with dependents until after you are married. He will then have to refile for BAH with dependents. It can take awhile for that to kick back in. After that, he can apply for housing. Wait times in Hawaii can be extensive depending on what branch he is with and what location y'all choose. Until then, he can probably stay in the barracks until you arrive. I'm not sure of his rank. Higher ranks are allowed to live off base. Now he is off base because he is still considered married with a dependent.

    They will not pay for you, your kids, or furniture to come over. Your children can become his dependents, but you will need all custody paperwork, birth certs, and social security cards. You will need all of that, plus up to date shots to enroll in an on base DOD school.

    Honestly, I wouldn't plan on moving until probably the end of the school year. You will have money saved and won't be in limbo waiting on housing while there. Any wait time will be on your own dime.
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    #18
    Quote Originally Posted by arierosie View Post
    I'm aware of how expensive it is, but I can cook and make meals last a few days so hopefully we won't be eating out a lot. We just hate the idea of being apart longer than we have to be. He said we will facetime every day, but it's not the same and I haven't looked up the exact time difference yet. I just wanted to get a general idea of the best way to approach everything.

    Since we will be waiting until he has housing secured, will I have to pay the plane tickets myself since I'm not command sponsored? It's totally fine if I do I'm just trying to get a general idea of everything.
    You're gonna have to pay for plane tickets yourself regardless of command sponsorship, because you won't be on his orders. You'll get command sponsorship after the fact for COLA etc but they won't pay for any part of your move.
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    #19
    Quote Originally Posted by arierosie View Post
    I think I will like it there. I also have no problem making new friends as well. So basically we just have to hope he's able to take leave in January because we are funny and think an anniversary of 01/23 is awesome. Then I guess I'm just going to leave the rest up to him with the housing and whatnot. Will they kick him out of the barracks when he gets back if I'm not with him? I don't want him to be homeless while he's trying to find housing for us.

    Also, he thought it would be a good idea for us to swap our stuff so he can sell his and they can take mine. It's nothing huge, just my dining room table, small kitchen appliances, bathroom shelving, and maybe some empty (obviously) picture frames.
    What rank is he? Depending on that he may not even be required to live in the barracks. But in most (not all) cases once you're married you don't rate a room at the barracks.

    I think I read in one of your previous posts that his divorce won't be complete until after he's in Hawaii. Do you know if that means he'll be allowed to live off base with dependent BAH until the divorce is complete, and if he'll rate a HHG weight limit with or without dependents? (Genuinely curious because I don't know).

    The last paragraph is a morally gray area. Technically you could get away with them moving your things before you're married. However, you're also technically cheating the government which is fraud. You can decide if it's worth it. When PCSing the government will provide storage for your items up to 90 days (more with a letter from your command) while you look for housing. But again, I'm not sure how it works for someone who's single, living in the barracks.




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    #20
    Quote Originally Posted by arierosie View Post
    I currently reside with my two children near the army base where my boyfriend is stationed. He has orders to PCS to Hawaii in a few months and since we want to stay together we have decided to get married. The only problem is the divorce (uncontested, no children, she cheated) from his ex-wife won't be finalized until after he's made it to Hawaii. This isn't a huge deal to me since I still wanted to be able to claim Head of Household on my tax return. We have decided to get married towards the end of January. My apartment lease is up in October so I've decided to move in with my parents until we marry so I can work more shifts and save money.

    My boyfriend isn't attached to any of his furniture or appliances, so he planned on selling it all. We are planning on buying new furniture together but some items of mine I've grown attached to. Can I move this stuff to his apartment and pass it off as his in order for them to move it? He will likely be in the barracks when he gets there as his divorce has been filed. Will he be able to put our stuff in storage until January?

    We are not sure if he will be able to take any leave in January to fly here to get married, so it's possible I will have to fly to Hawaii. I only want to fly to Hawaii once as the thought has given me a lot of anxiety, mostly because when I do go it will just be myself and my children. Plane tickets aren't too expensive so that shouldn't be a problem. I know there is a 3 day waiting period between getting your marriage license in Hawaii and actually getting married. I know I will have to pay to stay in a hotel for these days, but what happens after that? My son is starting first grade so I will need to get him enrolled in school. How do I do that if we don't have a place to live yet?

    Also, once we are married will we be able to live on base since I wasn't command sponsored to PCS with him in his original orders?
    Quote Originally Posted by arierosie View Post
    He currently lives off post so it would be pretty easy to swap out my stuff with his, so unless they demand receipts for anything I doubt this will be an issue having them pack it. He will just have to figure out a place to store it once it arrives in Hawaii. Also, I've heard that things are more expensive, but I'm pretty good at finding bargains on furniture and such so I don't believe this will be a problem. The few things I will need I will be able to purchase with my tax return. They have Walmarts, which is where I do 99% of my shopping for everything anyways.

    Going to Hawaii before we're married is only a scenario if he cannot get leave to fly here in January. I didn't plan on wandering around alone anyways?? My boyfriend will be down there already, and he is having his car shipped so that's not an issue. If he's able to take leave in January then we can get married here and I will stay until he finds housing. I would prefer living on base because the schools are better so if there's a waiting list then obviously we will be waiting.

    I don't mean to be rude, but it's really none of your business to question my relationship when I didn't ask for advice on it. For the record, even if he wasn't leaving we would be getting married eventually. He adores my children and neither one of us wants to wait 2-3 years before starting our life together. I'm not a millionaire, but I'm going to go ahead and assume nobody else here is either. I have a friend who made the move to Hawaii to be with her boyfriend and I know for a fact she's not a millionaire. So because my lease is up in October anyways means it's not a smart idea to do what I can to save money? Obviously I don't plan to be here for another year so why would I renew my lease? It would just be money down the drain. I only mentioned the divorce because it won't be finalized before he goes so that's why we have to wait in the first place. Also, his ex has taken care of the filing and it won't be a long drawn out process where he has to pay a lawyer any kind of fees. I plan on getting a job when I'm down there so Hawaii not being livable on a soldier's salary doesn't really affect me.

    Like I said, the plan is to wait for housing on base because of the better schools. I can pay security and rent until BAH kicks in, so that's not a problem. The reason I'm not bringing my car is because I am leasing it and the lease will be up soon. I don't plan on buying an "island beater" but going to an actual dealer so again, this won't be an issue.
    Quote Originally Posted by arierosie View Post
    I know he's going to have to work, but I also have a friend who lives down there and a friend who used to live down there. I don't go anywhere alone even now unless I know the area and have navigated it with someone else, so I don't think that will be a problem. Also, the friend who used to live there only left 2 years ago. I meant used furniture as in hard stuff. I would never buy used mattresses or other soft items unless I knew and trusted the person selling it.

    Anyways, we really wanted to get married on January 23rd so I was really only asking what the best way to go about it is since he's leaving in a few months and I will still be here. I know if I had been on his original orders then we would be able to stay in a hotel until we found housing, but I was curious how it works when we're getting married after he's already stationed there. Money isn't an issue as I am working and saving money currently, and my tax return will be able to provide some starter furniture at least.
    Quote Originally Posted by arierosie View Post
    If you actually read my post you would know I didn't ask for advice on my relationship because I don't need it, but thank you for your concern. Wait to plan what out? We are getting married at the end of January, I think that gives me plenty of time to get everything planned out.

    I know it's expensive. Why does everyone think I'm underestimating how expensive it is? I have friends who live/lived there so I'm not really going in blind. It's expensive where I live now as a single mother who doesn't receive any child support but I've managed for the past 4 years. I will be staying here until he gets housing. I've already looked up plane tickets and they're not as bad as I expected them to be.

    I'm sure we will be able to share his car until I can get one. I have an associate's degree in Accounting. I will have to interview possible baby-sitters, which I already know.
    Quote Originally Posted by arierosie View Post
    I have full custody of my kids so once we are married they will be considered his dependents as well. I plan to start looking for a job once it's a little closer to January. I can't exactly go interview for one until I'm actually there. This is another use of my savings/tax return.
    Quote Originally Posted by arierosie View Post
    I think I will like it there. I also have no problem making new friends as well. So basically we just have to hope he's able to take leave in January because we are funny and think an anniversary of 01/23 is awesome. Then I guess I'm just going to leave the rest up to him with the housing and whatnot. Will they kick him out of the barracks when he gets back if I'm not with him? I don't want him to be homeless while he's trying to find housing for us.

    Also, he thought it would be a good idea for us to swap our stuff so he can sell his and they can take mine. It's nothing huge, just my dining room table, small kitchen appliances, bathroom shelving, and maybe some empty (obviously) picture frames.
    Quote Originally Posted by arierosie View Post
    I'm aware of how expensive it is, but I can cook and make meals last a few days so hopefully we won't be eating out a lot. We just hate the idea of being apart longer than we have to be. He said we will facetime every day, but it's not the same and I haven't looked up the exact time difference yet. I just wanted to get a general idea of the best way to approach everything.

    Since we will be waiting until he has housing secured, will I have to pay the plane tickets myself since I'm not command sponsored? It's totally fine if I do I'm just trying to get a general idea of everything.
    It sounds like your completely living through hopes and dreams Op. Everything you have planned is theoretical as you haven't lived in Hawaii and it sounds like you've never been married to a military member. I'd surely hope you're actually taking the advice given to you instead of actually brushing it all off. I currently live in Hawaii and can say everything Heisenberg is telling you is spot on, except things are more expensive now and probably more crowded with all the construction that's started since she left.
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