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Thread: First letters! I'm crushed...

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    First letters! I'm crushed...

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    Hello,
    I just got my first letters from my husband at basic. They were incredibly hard to read. He hates it, completely regrets going, wants to come home and that he misses me. It was really devastating to hear that from him since it's hard to hear your spouse in distress. I sent him a supportive, positive letter letting him know I am support him 100% no matter what and that I am proud of him for doing this. I sent it with a picture through Sandboxx so he gets it sooner. Despite my feelings of wanting him back home, I don't want him to quit. I want him to be successful. I want him to be happy and hold his head high knowing that I have faith in him and I love him unconditionally whether he is with me or away. I feel like I am back at square one trying to cope again and it's hard. Is this normal? Have other spouses gone through this?
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    #2
    I'm so sorry to hear that your husband is having a hard time I know it's always harder for me to cope with DB being away when I know he's miserable and uncomfortable as well. I hope things have improved for him since he sent those letters and that things get better for the both of you soon.

    I can't speak to whether that's normal because I wasn't with DB during basic. I don't think that was his experience but as with everything, each individual will react differently.

    I should add that DB is kind of a freak because he always has like THE MOST positive attitude on the planet and never seems to get discouraged, doesn't mind getting yelled at or in trouble, etc.
    Last edited by kt_bug; 06-06-2017 at 11:59 AM.
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    #3
    This is completely normal. When DF wen to basic training, he wrote in his first few letters that he just wanted to give up and come back home more than anything. I wrote to him every day and he said that those letters really motivated him. He said that it didn't matter much exactly what was written, but just getting something was what mattered. I would suggest writing your DH as much as possible with positive messages. My DF got more and more positive as the weeks went on and he knew that he was getting closer and closer to finishing. Good luck, things will get better.
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Thefoxandthecat View Post
    Hello,
    I just got my first letters from my husband at basic. They were incredibly hard to read. He hates it, completely regrets going, wants to come home and that he misses me. It was really devastating to hear that from him since it's hard to hear your spouse in distress. I sent him a supportive, positive letter letting him know I am support him 100% no matter what and that I am proud of him for doing this. I sent it with a picture through Sandboxx so he gets it sooner. Despite my feelings of wanting him back home, I don't want him to quit. I want him to be successful. I want him to be happy and hold his head high knowing that I have faith in him and I love him unconditionally whether he is with me or away. I feel like I am back at square one trying to cope again and it's hard. Is this normal? Have other spouses gone through this?
    I've never dated anyone while they went to basic, but from what I've read on here in the past and heard from others, this seems normal for your husband. Basic is a very difficult thing to go through - remember, in boot camp they are breaking the recruits down and changing them as much as they can. My ex told me that when he was in boot, the DIs basically insulted/demeaned/belittled them 24/7 and made them feel as though they couldn't do it and that they were destined to fail. It was miserable for him and he said he'd never gone through anything so difficult but when it was over, everyone was so proud af and wouldn't have wanted it any other way because the DIs pushed them hard. Plus, IIRC your husband just got to basic a short time ago, right? He's probably still adjusting and that's tough too!

    You're doing everything right by telling him you support him and continuing to right him. Hang in there!
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    #5
    DH and I compared our basic training experiences (him USMC and me LEO) since we didn't know each other when we went through them and they followed the same training module. The first part is breaking you down and they will weed out the weak, if you can get through that then they start building you back up teaching you how to earn your place in the service and define your character. There will be times they still put on the stress and add on the sleep deprivation that makes you feel like crap, but you just have to tough it out. It is all about getting rid of the weak links and making you stronger mentally and physically.

    He will survive this, it gets better. I am sorry you are having a hard time with this. I wish I could give you some great uplifting advice, but I suck at it. I lived apart from my DH for 3 years after we were married and I got through it with the occasional visit, finishing my degree, working a lot, hobbies and the daily reminder that it was better than him being deployed, again.

    Keep your chin up, this too shall pass.


    "Well behaved women rarely make history"
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    #6
    I feel like this is pretty normal. DH got pretty stressed and was asking himself why he left me and his family and was wondering what he got himself in to. He felt like crap the entire time and they beat them down while they're there.

    Continue what you're doing. Tell him that you love him, that you support him, that you're proud of him, and remind him that this is temporary. DH told me basic seemed eternal while he was there, but looking back, it really wasn't that long.
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    #7
    I have defiantly been writing him supportive letters every chance I can! I've sent him about 15ish letters and sent a few pictures. I write my sad feelings in a journal I keep to let them out. Thank you guys for the support! My parents are not very accepting of him and I. Not because of us being gay but they don't really like him so I don't have much support on the home front. His mom has been supporting me more than anyone thankfully.
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    #8
    They break him down to build him back up. I'm glad he has you to comfort him
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    #9
    Just as you might feel a roller-coaster of emotions and thoughts that can vary second to second so will your husband. Just be supportive and send letters of encouragement. Keep some letters short though....he might be mentally/physically exhausted and as much he would love to read every word you write...he will also want to sleep! Sometimes just a quick note that is two or three supportive sentences can make all the difference. The long letters are great too but try a few short ones mixed in.
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    #10
    Totally normal for him to feel like that. It's exactly how my husband felt. In the end he said the struggle was worth it. Once he graduated he said he didn't regret it. It's a lot for him to adjust to. Just keep supporting him. He needs it most right now

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