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Thread: EELO...a comment and hello!

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    #1

    Confused EELO...a comment and hello!

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    Hey EELO! I just wanted to say hi, and share some words with you for some input.
    I talked to my mother in length last night about my maritial issues. I told her that I knew the first few years would be hard, but not this hard. It was then that she told me "Michelle, in my 51 years of life and my 4 marriage, I have learned that the reason these periods are hard is due to the immaturity of both parties. The first few years are hard because as a woman you are trying to nurture and work as a team. However, man, being the natural hunter and "provider" still is in his "I" stage and it takes him a few years to adapt to the "us" and "we" stage. This is why marriage is hard the first few years. Regardless of the man's age, men do this. Each man is different, yes, but for the most part, they are wired the same in the "selfish" aspect. This period is hard for marriages because the woman has to fight for the "us" while the man is trying to fight against the "us". Give your DH the 2 years. If he's still fighting it, it's time to move on as he was never ready in the first place and may never be ready."

    What is your opinion on this?
    If you cannot get past my size and my exterior, there is no way I'm letting you know how great I am on the inside as bestsellers are not judged by their covers"
    -Me


    Back in the Pure Romance Business....visit my page at
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    DONE WITH GRAD SCHOOL! TIME TO CELEBRATE! :

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    Well, I think her theory about the hunter/gatherer/protector is probably correct, but I don't agree that if he's not ready it's time to pack it in. I think that sometimes they need to grow into the idea that they're ready, that it's time. My own parents told me the first two years of a marriage are the hardest; I'd have to say I agree with her.

    I also agree with the school of thought that says we marry our fathers, which is great if our fathers were the type of people that made for a good relationship. I had a good role model in my father; I recognized good things in a good man...... and I got really, really lucky. I kissed my share of toads, I really did. I went through a period of about 5 years where I dated only divorced men; I felt like I didn't need to 'raise' them, kwim? I discovered as I grew up a little, that there was a reason they were divorced, a couple of them multiple times.

    Being married under the best circumstances isn't easy; it doesn't come easy, it'w work. It's real work. Throw in a few complications like LDR, kids, debt, exes with vendettas and bad attitudes, new job.... all those stressors put a strain on the best of relationships, much less a fledgling marriage.

    In the end, you and he have to think long and hard about why you got married, why you wanted to be married, and why you want to stay married. For us, the work is worth it, but we both understand that a good marriage takes time and effort, and it's worth it to us to put that time and effort into it.

    I think, though, that I'd look at it this way: I'll put the time and effort into this for two years and hopefully by then we'll have smoothed out these rough edges and things will be more reasonable. I'd discourage the perspective of "Two years. Two years and that's it. If this isn't better by then, I'm done." See the difference in those two perspectives?
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    Quote Originally Posted by eelo View Post
    Well, I think her theory about the hunter/gatherer/protector is probably correct, but I don't agree that if he's not ready it's time to pack it in. I think that sometimes they need to grow into the idea that they're ready, that it's time. My own parents told me the first two years of a marriage are the hardest; I'd have to say I agree with her.

    I also agree with the school of thought that says we marry our fathers, which is great if our fathers were the type of people that made for a good relationship. I had a good role model in my father; I recognized good things in a good man...... and I got really, really lucky. I kissed my share of toads, I really did. I went through a period of about 5 years where I dated only divorced men; I felt like I didn't need to 'raise' them, kwim? I discovered as I grew up a little, that there was a reason they were divorced, a couple of them multiple times.

    Being married under the best circumstances isn't easy; it doesn't come easy, it'w work. It's real work. Throw in a few complications like LDR, kids, debt, exes with vendettas and bad attitudes, new job.... all those stressors put a strain on the best of relationships, much less a fledgling marriage.

    In the end, you and he have to think long and hard about why you got married, why you wanted to be married, and why you want to stay married. For us, the work is worth it, but we both understand that a good marriage takes time and effort, and it's worth it to us to put that time and effort into it.

    I think, though, that I'd look at it this way: I'll put the time and effort into this for two years and hopefully by then we'll have smoothed out these rough edges and things will be more reasonable. I'd discourage the perspective of "Two years. Two years and that's it. If this isn't better by then, I'm done." See the difference in those two perspectives?

    It makes complete sense and I think you are right. I want to work on this. I'm just exhausted. I don't know how much more I can give as I've given him everything. I no longer have a sense of self. Isn't that enough? I'm giving up my career, my friends, my family. For him. And the lack of communication and attention in our last week of the LDR is really proving to me that this is nothing but a relationship of convienence (sp?) for him. I'm honestly worried that this isn't going to get any better when I move down. What else do you give when you've given everything?
    If you cannot get past my size and my exterior, there is no way I'm letting you know how great I am on the inside as bestsellers are not judged by their covers"
    -Me


    Back in the Pure Romance Business....visit my page at
    http://michellemcmullen.pureromance.com
    DONE WITH GRAD SCHOOL! TIME TO CELEBRATE! :

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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by mushortgurl03 View Post
    It makes complete sense and I think you are right. I want to work on this. I'm just exhausted. I don't know how much more I can give as I've given him everything. I no longer have a sense of self. Isn't that enough? I'm giving up my career, my friends, my family. For him. And the lack of communication and attention in our last week of the LDR is really proving to me that this is nothing but a relationship of convienence (sp?) for him. I'm honestly worried that this isn't going to get any better when I move down. What else do you give when you've given everything?
    Time.

    Time and an ear.

    Muu Shuu...... he's giving some things up too. Have you sat down and talked with him, really talked (not argued, not one-upped) about compromise, about what parts of your previous lives are important for you to hang on to ("I really like my Thursday bowling league/Sunday dinner at Mom's/bunco game/whatever) and what you're willing to bend on? HE's giving things up too, and you can't keep score (Well I gave up ___________ but you only gave _______) because there's no way to quantify the other person's needs/desires.

    We have a regular Date Night, where the two of us plan to go out somewhere nice, just us (no kids). We go about once a month, and it's an important part of our lives..... together. Outside of that, we have some things that we each like to do alone, not necessarily involving the other person, and that's okay too.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by eelo View Post
    Time.

    Time and an ear.

    Muu Shuu...... he's giving some things up too. Have you sat down and talked with him, really talked (not argued, not one-upped) about compromise, about what parts of your previous lives are important for you to hang on to ("I really like my Thursday bowling league/Sunday dinner at Mom's/bunco game/whatever) and what you're willing to bend on? HE's giving things up too, and you can't keep score (Well I gave up ___________ but you only gave _______) because there's no way to quantify the other person's needs/desires.

    We have a regular Date Night, where the two of us plan to go out somewhere nice, just us (no kids). We go about once a month, and it's an important part of our lives..... together. Outside of that, we have some things that we each like to do alone, not necessarily involving the other person, and that's okay too.
    Advice well received and will be heeded. Again thank you! This is why I love this support board. You tell me, flat out.
    If you cannot get past my size and my exterior, there is no way I'm letting you know how great I am on the inside as bestsellers are not judged by their covers"
    -Me


    Back in the Pure Romance Business....visit my page at
    http://michellemcmullen.pureromance.com
    DONE WITH GRAD SCHOOL! TIME TO CELEBRATE! :

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