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Thread: Relationship Rules for "Fair Fighting" (Conflict Resolution)

  1. Happy little tree
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    #1

    Smile Relationship Rules for "Fair Fighting" (Conflict Resolution)

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    One of my professors compiled this list for partners/couples/friends, whatever to show how to "fight fair" - fighting is healthy, conflict is healthy, but it has to be done right or it can be very hurtful! Anyways, thought I'd share this as it has some good points in it!

    1.) Choose your battles - not every little thing is worth fighting over

    2.) Don't bring up the past - it can't be changed! Focus on the issue at hand, not a past fault of your partner - this will get you nowhere.

    3.) Don't fix the blame - fix the PROBLEM - Don't worry about who is at fault, who is right, who did something wrong, worry about fixing the underlying problem that the conflict is about.

    4.) Always go for win-win - Fights don't need a "winner" and a "loser" - why make someone you love be a "loser"? You should always end on the same page and focus on working together to get to where you want to be - conflicts aren't meant to be "won"

    5.) Never threaten - physically or emotionally - Everyone knows that physical threats are harmful and bad, but what about emotional ones (i.e. "I'll just get a divorce then!" "well if you can't shape up then I'm LEAVING you!") - those are equally bad. Avoid these! They are hurtful, don't progress your conflict resolution, and put you in a position of power, making your partner inferior and subordinate to you - this is abuse.

    6.) Choose your words carefully - don't say something you might regret later. Take some time to choose your words that reflect how you really feel.

    7.) Allow for time-outs - A lot of people need time to cool off during a fight or argument. Allow for this, it lets you collect your thoughts and regroup before returning to the conflict.

    8.) Don't call home (to your parents) - I think this is more applicable to college students who call home frequently, but it still holds true. Do NOT bring your parents into the fight - if all they hear from you is what your partner did wrong, what argument you and your partner are having, they are going to lose respect for your partner and you will ultimately hurt your partner by doing this in the long run.

    9.) Don't go to bed angry - if at all possible, leave the bed as a safe, happy, peaceful, fun place - NOT a place to stew over problems. Also, don't argue while in bed. If you argue in bed a lot, eventually you will associate bed as a place of hurt and frustration and not really be able to have much peace or "fun" there anymore.

    10.) Always apologize - BOTH of you should apologize after a conflict is resolved - "I'm sorry for the disagreement we had" "I'm sorry for any hard feelings" You don't have to apologize for the issue, but apologize for the misunderstanding/disagreement,etc. Sometimes just an "I'm sorry..." will mend a lot of open wounds.

    Keep up with all of our adventures with renovating a 1960s ranch house - check out MY BLOG!

  2. Senior Member
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    #2
    I like those....


    But..
    5.) Never threaten - physically or emotionally
    Does that mean that he's not supposed to tell me he's going to run me through the wood chipper if I keep blowing burps in his face?
  3. Senior Member
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by leftover View Post
    I like those....


    But..

    Does that mean that he's not supposed to tell me he's going to run me through the wood chipper if I keep blowing burps in his face?


    but those are good rules, those are good for any conflict resolution
  4. Psych Student by Day..
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    That's great! Thank you


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    He's home from Iraq!
  5. Senior Member
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    #5
    I like this part..

    why make someone you love be a "loser"?
    I never thought of it that way..
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    #6
    i'm guilty of:
    8.) Don't call home (to your parents) - I think this is more applicable to college students who call home frequently, but it still holds true. Do NOT bring your parents into the fight - if all they hear from you is what your partner did wrong, what argument you and your partner are having, they are going to lose respect for your partner and you will ultimately hurt your partner by doing this in the long run.

    i call for advice when he's not home.
  7. Happy little tree
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by leftover View Post
    I like those....


    But..

    Does that mean that he's not supposed to tell me he's going to run me through the wood chipper if I keep blowing burps in his face?
    Hm. I think it depends on his tone....and how seriously you and he take the "threat"......


    Keep up with all of our adventures with renovating a 1960s ranch house - check out MY BLOG!

  8. MoMo
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    I wish that dh was here to see this now...I really like them and I must say that I am guilty of doing some of those things

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