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Thread: Becoming a military wife...

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    #1

    Help Becoming a military wife...

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    My boyfriend of a couple years just got orders to move overseas for the next 3 years. We've been together for a long time, but most of our relationship has been long distance (~2 1/2 hrs, we both made every effort we could to see each other every weekend). He wants me to come with him overseas and I think he's going to propose to me in the next couple weeks (he leaves in November for his new assignment). I love him very much and I've stood by him no matter what. We met in college - I finished with my bachelors degree and he did 2 years and enlisted in the air force. My family has always had the highest expectations out of me and they don't understand why I would want to settle for someone who doesn't have a degree, won't be able to provide for me the way I "should be provided for", and is "going nowhere". They have told me that they think I'm making a big mistake by being with him. It's so hard to be with someone without the support of my family. Is anyone in a relationship where one person has a degree and one doesn't? Have financial problems caused difficulty in your marriage?

    I've asked him to take some classes, but he really doesn't want to go back to school. He wants to get out in 4 years (maybe get a gov't job so he can get his 20 yrs. to retirement), but I don't know what he'll end up doing without a degree. I know some of this might seem "shallow" to some of you, but this is how I was raised. I grew up with very nice things and a loving family and yes, I want the same for my future kids. I want to be able to retire in my 50's and I'm wondering if we'll have enough money to do that? How much do enlisted retirees make? Plus, I would need a job if I move overseas with him. Right now I have a VERY good job and make a ton of money. Will I be able get a good job overseas that pays well?

    I'm also so afraid of getting married and moving overseas with him. I love him and have wanted to get married, but what if I get there and it doesn't work out since we've been doing this long distance relationship? What do I do without my friends and family? I've met a couple military spouses, but the ones I've met are not anything like me and just very "low class" (ex: ignorant, vulgar, sleep with other airmen, can't hold a conversation with them, etc). Please tell me there are some normal military wifes out there??? I need some advice on this big transition.
  2. Known Once Upon a Time as ILoveMySPC!!!
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    #2
    I do not judge anyone, but my personal opinion is - If you have this many questions about your relationship, then it is not something that you want. Many of us here LOVE our men/women, and would put our lives down for them as they are doing for us on a daily basis. I have a degree and my DB does not, but I have not ONCE thought of that as a consideration as if I should or should not be with him.
    May today there be peace within. May you trust your highest power that you are exactly where you are meant to be..
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  3. hurry up and wait....
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    My husband adn I spent the entire two years before we got married(minus a few months) in a LDR. 4 months before our wedding he got overseas orders. We've now been married 11 months, overseas for ten and half months. It's been hard, but oh so worth it. If you really want to make the relationship work, you can. You have to decide together if it is worth it. You also need to decide if you can deal with him not having a degree. You can't pressure someone into doing something they don't want to.
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    #4
    Hi....

    I agree with ILovemyPFC...I get what you are saying about your family, don't get me wrong but you have quite a bit of questions and maybe you could consider that it maybe be something more that is bothering you about making a decision like that with your DB. I am a year away from having my MBA and my DB completed his highschool education but went no further because he left home at 16 and has had to work to support himself all this time (he's 27 now). He wants to go back to schoolo when he gets back from his tour overseas but right now I highly doubt that he will be going as far as I have educationwise. Having said that....it NEVER bothered me once where he was in his education and if my parents were to say anything about it I wouldn't give a rats patootie because neither of them have degrees and they are both VERY successful. In fact, some of the MOST successful people in the world and even limited to america don't have degrees. There are so many things you can do to make money besides sit behind a desk all day.

    Anyway, I'll I'm saying really is...if the love is there those things shouldn't matter.
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    I agree with the ladies above. It shouldnt really matter if you have a degree and he doesnt. As long as he can HELP to provide for your family and love you then thats all that matters. There are many people out there whos wife makes the most money (like myself) but that hasnt once caused problems in my marraige. I think that with how many questions you have that you really should look deeper into the issue and see what is really bothering you
  6. googlegirl
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    It sounds to me like you feel that education is important. (I happen to agree, by the way- especially in the job market.) My BIL is having to go back to school, even though he has MS Certification & yeaars of highly technical computer experience- but was out of work for a Loooong time because he did not have that piece of paper.

    Anyway--the problem that is standing out to me is that your DB does not have the urge to finish school at all right now or possibly ever. I think you should not rush into a marriage with him- because he may not have the same life goals as you do. It sounds like you are both pretty young still i.e., not in your 30s) - so I don't see the big rush into marriage.

    Officers and their wives can act trashy & cheat on their spouses, too. But most of the people I know are pretty classy (in public, anyway!) I don't think it's necessarily that it's elisted vs. officers- rather his friends may be "trashy" people because that's what he likes and is comfortable with (which would justifiably be alarming to most people!). My DB is an officer & old, too- in private his personal habits are less than genteel- but he and his friends & their girlfriend's and wives know how to behave in public and hold up their end of the conversation (i.e., not dumber than a brick!)--

    I know from being on this board- that there are plenty of intelligent, interesting and genteel ladies and gentelman in the military (AD & spouses) without college degrees- so the problem may not be enlistment- rather a lack of common interests between you and DB-- therefore, I urge you to take it slowly!
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    Why have you stayed with him this long if you are so concerned about your future and him not having a degree, or not being able to offer you the life you deserve? If you love him a degree shouldn't even come into it, I understand that your family wants all this for you; all parents want the best for their children. You asked if you would be able to find a well paying job in Europe (I am guessing that is where you might be going) and the answer to that is yes you can. I come from the UK and had a really good job before I moved to the states and I don't have a degree, 4 years of Business school but no degree. And not all military wifeís are low class, I am sure there are some that seem that way, but they are found in all walks of life not just the military. I have been with my SO for just over a year now, I am as proud of him as I ever could be of another person, he fights for this country he puts his life on the line and he works damn hard, he could retire now he has already done 21 years, but he wont because he wants to try and move even higher up the ladder. He is going for his degree as well. All I am trying to say is, just because he is in the military doesnít make him a lesser man than a stock - broker or the CO of some company. This is the life he has chosen and he could make it a career, the retirement isnít to shabby either  I guess it depends on what you want out of your life. You know being a military wife in some ways is cool; you get to see other sides of the world, different cultures, placeís a lot of people never get to see. You can always be the money- maker, and secure yours and his early retirement, if he did 20 years he could retire at 40ish depending on his age.

    I hope some of this helps and doesnít come across as being brash, but this is your life and not your families and you can still have a wonderful lifestyle just slightly different from others.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by ILoveMyPFC View Post
    I do not judge anyone, but my personal opinion is - If you have this many questions about your relationship, then it is not something that you want. Many of us here LOVE our men/women, and would put our lives down for them as they are doing for us on a daily basis. I have a degree and my DB does not, but I have not ONCE thought of that as a consideration as if I should or should not be with him.
    I totally agree. me and my DB are like this....He went to college for a year, then enlisted. He's not going to have a degree, but he's thinking about getting one with his GI bill. He'll be a trained electrician by then, so he might not even need one. I'm working on a degree, and will have one in a year, but I never considered my future to be "not financially stable" enough for me and DB and/or when we would be married and have kids.
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    Quote Originally Posted by gottli10 View Post
    My boyfriend of a couple years just got orders to move overseas for the next 3 years. We've been together for a long time, but most of our relationship has been long distance (~2 1/2 hrs, we both made every effort we could to see each other every weekend). He wants me to come with him overseas and I think he's going to propose to me in the next couple weeks (he leaves in November for his new assignment). I love him very much and I've stood by him no matter what. We met in college - I finished with my bachelors degree and he did 2 years and enlisted in the air force. My family has always had the highest expectations out of me and they don't understand why I would want to settle for someone who doesn't have a degree, won't be able to provide for me the way I "should be provided for", and is "going nowhere". They have told me that they think I'm making a big mistake by being with him. It's so hard to be with someone without the support of my family. Is anyone in a relationship where one person has a degree and one doesn't? Have financial problems caused difficulty in your marriage?

    I've asked him to take some classes, but he really doesn't want to go back to school. He wants to get out in 4 years (maybe get a gov't job so he can get his 20 yrs. to retirement), but I don't know what he'll end up doing without a degree. I know some of this might seem "shallow" to some of you, but this is how I was raised. I grew up with very nice things and a loving family and yes, I want the same for my future kids. I want to be able to retire in my 50's and I'm wondering if we'll have enough money to do that? How much do enlisted retirees make? Plus, I would need a job if I move overseas with him. Right now I have a VERY good job and make a ton of money. Will I be able get a good job overseas that pays well?

    I'm also so afraid of getting married and moving overseas with him. I love him and have wanted to get married, but what if I get there and it doesn't work out since we've been doing this long distance relationship? What do I do without my friends and family? I've met a couple military spouses, but the ones I've met are not anything like me and just very "low class" (ex: ignorant, vulgar, sleep with other airmen, can't hold a conversation with them, etc). Please tell me there are some normal military wifes out there??? I need some advice on this big transition.
    I'm suprised there are this many "Love should be damned well enough" kind of posts. These sound like legitimate questions to me. Honestly, I LOVE my husband. He is the light in my sky, the rainbow after the storm, and all of that other () but some days I wish we just had some MONEY to spend! I think you're being phenominally responsible in asking these questions now, instead of bringing children into the world and THEN finding out you can't take care of them.

    My honest opinion on the matter is it really depends on what you'll put up with. My DH does some childish stuff, and it gets my goat, but it (and he) is worth it. I gave up college for him, and some days I wish I wouldn't have, honestly.

    Living overseas is not a bad thing. There are still jobs, and depending on what you do, a lot of times you can get in with a military company, and transfer with him almost every time he moves, and being a spouse you get preference for DOD jobs.

    You have options. You could move with him, without getting married. Study abroad, see the world (or that one part of it anyways), or just plain follow and adore, but that way you'll get a feel for married life, without actually getting married. If you struggle, you're far enough away you can't run home lickety split to your parents' house, and you're pretty forced to make friends, without your own there to support you. Cons are, of course, you can't run home to your parents and friends, and you have to pay for your own move, plus find a place (if you don't live with him) and move your own belongings. You won't have tricare if you're not married, either, or access to base/post.

    You could marry him and get a prenup, that specifically states that you will evaluate the marriage after so long and be able to leave with everything you came with, and whatever else you two agree on.

    Or you can jump in headfirst and give it the world. Or, call the whole thing off. This is really something only you can decide. Honestly, the education will make finding a job harder, but the military will kind of even it out if he gets a DOD job after he gets out (like a civilian doing the same thing he did in the military.)

    Good luck! PM me if you need someone to talk to.

    Oh, and just so you know. Anyone can be trashy. It's not a military thing. There is just a whole different stress factor, and wives find wives they can relate to and deal how they deal.
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    #10
    I've been with df for 4 years and my family hasn't thought the best of him because of a lot of things. My parents have the same concerns as yours but I've made them realize it's my life. My df doesn't have a college education but that doesn't mean we can't have the best life ever. I love him to pieces and the Army has been the best thing for us so far. I'm going to college but I don't think everyone has to get a college education.

    You really need to decide how much he means to you. Sure changes are scary but that's life. Also, money can only make you happy to a point. Good luck on figuring everything out.
    Kelly



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