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Thread: So confused-- How to handle LDR, Deployment, and Possible move...

  1. DestinyStar
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    Bang Head So confused-- How to handle LDR, Deployment, and Possible move...

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    Okay Ladies, I have major confusion going on... I need a some good advice.

    My SO and I met here in the US he was stationed at Nellis AFB. He's in the RAF ( Royal Airforce)... That was 5 years ago. We've been having an LDR the whole time, he'd come to the states 3 times a year and I'd go there 3 times a year. Well This last year He's been deployed to afganistan. And they have now extended his term for the second time. And I'm completely frustrated. ( I know tell me anyone who isn't) But this last extention comes on the hills of my deciding to move to the UK. And I am left thinking in the end how will anything have changed if I move there and he ends up deployed again for another long term assignment. My problem is that I not the type of girl to just follow a man anywhere... and I'm not meaning to be rude to the other wives or SO out there... I understand that it comes with the territory and thats the sacrafice people make. But I have never had to sacrafice for anything, and I'm simply not the type to do so. I have a career in global election monitoring and so i too get sent away on assignments but never for more then 2 weeks at a time. So as I sit here contemplating re-arranging my whole life because I love him, I feel like I'm getting nothing back in return. And by that I mean there is no sacrafice on his part. He doesn't have to leave his family, his friends, or his job.
    And that kind of pisses me off.

    So tell me ladies how did you all handle it? Was there a point where it just clicked that -that was what you wanted over everything else? Because there are things I want for mein my life professionally and Im a very goal oreinted girl so I'm wondering how do you make it so your goals and their life styles match up? And if you gave up a career or a life that you were happy with to be with your military SO -- is there a point where you have regretted it?

    I'm deperate to hear from you all
  2. Senior Member
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    Well, just because you move there oryou love him doesn't mean that you have to give up your life or your career. I'm sure you can find something realitive to what you do now, except over there. As far as sacrafices, IMO, you have to give some to get some. He really can't move to be with you-I'm assuming the relocating to the US is something the RAF doesn't do. If it is a possibility for him, then maybe he should explore it. But you definately shoudl sit down and talk to him about it-he needs to know how you feel because it could effect him and your relationship. When me and my ex got married, I didn't go onto college(it was right after I graduated) and only worked because I wanted to. And I don't regret not going to college or haveing a big successful career. There are alot of military spouses that have wonderful careers, and most military guys I know of are completely supportive of it. IT's a decision that you'll have to make for yourself and if you put the effort into it, then you definately can have both. Good Luck and PM me if you need anything!
  3. kristyw94
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    I made my choice to go with my husband and give up some of my dreams. However, I knew that was MY sacrifice, and I would never be able to expect him to do the same. It wasn't that he didn't want to, or wouldn't have, but what I mean is that I make my choices, and he is his own person, so he makes his. I couldn't expect him to do what I do.

    I don't regret my decision. I've since realized that my dreams are not what I would have wanted, and I wouldn't have been happy had they came true.

    Good luck.
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    I just started out in this kind of life, but I know it took me a few days at least to decide this is what I wanted. My SO is special to me, and I had to decide if the frustrations I know are going to come are worth the hassle, and thinking about it, my love for him is strong enough to keep me going. I know there's going to be times when I want out, or when I wonder how much more I can take, but I know in the end I'm going to keep on going on, because I love him, and am willing to work with whatever the NAVY throws our way.
    It's a strength thing, both emotionally and physically, if you ask me.
  5. Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta
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    #5
    you're talking about a much bigger move than i made. and yes, i was bitter about leaving everything that i had worked for. it's quite possible i wouldn't have moved if i was in love with my career. for me, i knew i was going to switch careers eventually, it just became sooner than later because of the military. so i came to terms with it. if you want to make the move, you sound like a smart woman, you can make it work.
  6. DestinyStar
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    Actually a few years go there was a position open at Nellis tht he put in for - it wasn't a perminant assignement but it would have been for at least two years. But I think at this point with him deployed such as the situation is- i can't very well say hey honey can you look for a post state side.
    There is another part to the story I forgot- he has two older children from his previous marriage and they are both basically in high school so he's told me it would be difficult to uproot the boys, and I agree with that. I can understand their point of view more than anyone as I was the kid getting uprooted constantly too (Dad was in the airforce--LOL I know the irony)
    At anyrate, it is perhaps for this reason I fear making a choice where I see my whole future taken over by the military. But as the saying goes, sometimes love just picks you and not the other way around.
    I do love him, and do wonder if that is enough. I have always been an over achiever in a sense and that is what makes it hard - because I know in fanciful way it seems like the dream you know of just being happy raising a happy family -- but then I know its not enough for me. This is something I ask my sister all the time... how she does it, be a terrifc mom and an understanding spouse.. I just don't think I could get these moves down.
    And I know that Im struggling with this choice because i realize those are limitation within myself. I have asked him a few times what he thinks he's getting if we make a life together. He says, " I don't know- you just the way you are" and I'm like you realize me the way I am doesn't know two things about being the person you use to have around.
    Seriously- guys I can go weeks with out ever even thinking about doing house work or even having it done, or doing little things that we sometimes argue over like getting the oil changed in the car or finding someone to fix the sprinklers. Yea and I know its not suppose to - nor will it be perfect, but I'm just am not conscious enough to sometimes think about doing this or that.

    Thanks for the advice ya'll...
  7. Del
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    I think you're over-thinking it a little, honestly. Sure, some of us would be a crappy housewife, and sure some of us would have a hard time uprooting our jobs / school / career / life... It's not about that. It's about loving him and wanting to be with him. You don't have to sacrifice yourself to do that (I'm sure there will be some job options for you in the UK with him? A move doesn't have to completely ruin your dreams, does it?) and you don't have to become the perfect housewife, but you can't expect that it'll be perfect either.

    Sometimes it doesn't all fall exactly into line but, if it's close enough, if you can move and you both want to and you won't be ruining your life, his, or his children's... sometimes you have to take the leap. And, sometimes you don't. That's a personal decision. But, I say you're over-thinking it in that you're getting bogged down by some little concerns like the oil changing. If the big needs fit, the little stuff can fall into place sometimes a little later on.

    I dunno if that helps at all. Sorry. But I wish you lots of luck with your decisions!
  8. DestinyStar
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    Thank you so much Del-- it actually helped alot more then you know....

    I'm Printing it out and enlarging your words of wisdom my friend.

    "If the big needs fit, the little stuff can fall into place sometimes a little later on."

    God I hope and pray they do.

    I know I can get a job there -- even if I worry unnecessarily about it. And your right maybe I am just over thinking things. More heart -less brain

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