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Thread: How do you deal?

  1. nisa81
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    Neutral How do you deal?

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    Many of my friends and family don't know what it is like to have a relationship, especially a long distance one, with someone in the military. They are pretty much the only friends that I have to talk to.
    So DB and I haven't really been talking all that much because I've been a bit exhausted from working, school, family, etc. We were talking the other day about commitment and what it means. His response was "Commitment should involve a purpose. Most relationships don't have that. It's more of a desire to have the other person all to themselves. Tends to have a flavor of ownership. Also brings a lot of drama, that I've noticed isn't really all that necessary in one's life." So in a way, I felt like I had been smacked in the face. I didn't ask him anything else, I just left well enough alone. So I called my bff, who is getting married in October, to ask her opinion on the matter. She made a statement along the lines of I should start dating again and maybe even step back and think about my relationship with DB because it seems like he is just going to drag me along until he finds something/someone else. So I was contemplating it because I've been down a road similar to this one.
    So DB called me around 9pm last night to make sure I was ok (he seems to know when something is up with me). We talk about our previous conversation and my conversation with my bff. He all of a sudden has to go, then again he was still at work when he called me and we had already been on the phone for 20mins. A little after midnight, he calls me back to tell me I should do what makes me happy and he won't fault me for it. I was stuck in shock because no matter what I do, he will still love me.

    Is it wrong to ask friends and family's advice on military relationships, when they've never had to go through one? Why are military men so emotionless sometimes? How do you deal with all the emotions and thoughts (may be good, may be bad) of your SO while he is away from you?
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    #2
    I don't think it's wrong to ask non-military people, just be prepared for the negativity that may come out of their mouth.

    I have developed a shield whenever someone tries to put down the military lifestyle. I just laugh it off and think, boy that person is a clueless fool
  3. sciteach
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    Get advice from whomever you feel the most comfortable talking to about it. I think it is more important to have someone to talk to about what is going on, but whether you take their adivce or not, as always, is left up to you. I find that more often than not the adivce helps me look at the situation from a different angle and it helps me have a greater perspective.

    How long has he been in Korea? I've noticed with my DB the more stress he has from work, the more distant he becomes because he feels like he is always at work and can not let that guard down even when talking to me. Yes, it BUGS the heck out of me. Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to about it. DB is in Korea, too!
  4. Trophy Wife in Training
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    Quote Originally Posted by nisa81 View Post
    Many of my friends and family don't know what it is like to have a relationship, especially a long distance one, with someone in the military. They are pretty much the only friends that I have to talk to.

    Is it wrong to ask friends and family's advice on military relationships, when they've never had to go through one? Why are military men so emotionless sometimes? How do you deal with all the emotions and thoughts (may be good, may be bad) of your SO while he is away from you?
    I have been in the same situation. None of my friends/family know what it is like to be in a military relationship. I have found that they are not the best people to go to for advice and comfort.

    It seems so weird to me, but just in the past couple of days, I have found way more comfort and advice at SOS than I could have ever imagined. I never thought that I could draw so much from an online group like this. I told my BF I joined an online support group, and he was a little surprised, a little confused. I am still getting over it too! I am freaking loving it. This is my safe haven.

    So how do I deal with all the emotions and thoughts of my SO while he's away...? I'm here!!

  5. holysht
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    well.. its not wrong to ask non-military people about your relationship. it might help to get opinions from someone outside of all of this.. and, as far as being emotionless.. i wondered the same thing myself. my DB (just realizing what that means lol) was previously engaged but.. ill just say, it didnt end well.. so, at times, especially now that he's gone, he seems to just cut me out of everything and acts like he doesnt care about me anymore.. anyways, after bugging the crap out of him about it and trying to explain to him that i just want to know why he acts like this, he finally explained to me that.. its not that he doesnt care about me or what i do, its just i do the same things as his ex so thats why he's is being so pretentious.. i always knew in the back of my mind he was trying to protect himself from me. but its different to hear him say it.. im going to assume that most military men feel this need to protect their feelings and their pride. not to mention, its part of training to hide emotions while in uniform. i guess after a few years that sort of stuff leaks into their normal life.. ALSO, growing up, you know men are taught that its weak to be all lovey-dovey and stuff. so, i think all that mixed together, along with watching other military relationships fail, is what causes that "emotionless"ness. of course, not all military men are like that..

    i dunno if any of this makes sense. im not good at giving advice
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    Last edited by jenny_lea1787; 11-08-2009 at 09:57 PM.
  7. nisa81
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    It's very hard to know what they are thinking...in a way they're devious and sneaky so we kinda have to think and be the same way. I know that he does love me because he calls me every so often to tell me so but it's the fact that when he's emotionless, it throws me off. My friends all see their boyfriends, fiances and husbands daily so it's hard for them to understand why I'm willing to sit around and go to events by myself. I've never really been a clingy type of person where I need to be with my SO all the time. I just don't like the advice that they give when I'm missing him or he hasn't said what I want to hear.

    Thank you ladies for all of your input. It is helping out a great deal! It's also helping me with my communication with him.

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