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Thread: Marriage? Advice needed.

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    Nutts Marriage? Advice needed.

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    Hi all! My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship since the beginning of the year, and all has been going extremely well. He's a Marine, and when he was in training, he was only 4 hours from me, and now he is stationed in North Carolina which is a 7.5hr drive, however that could all just be irrelevant information. Needless to say, we hate being away from each other.

    While this is a newer relationship, the subject "marriage" has been brought up multiple times and how we did see each other in that situation. He's currently away for a month or so and I have no contact with him (has been terrible, but that's for another thread ). He mentioned that he wants to get married before his deployment next year, because: 1. he loves me, wants to start a life with me, and just sees me as being his wife. 2. it would come with separation pay & housing allowance that could be saved for whenever he returns. I want to marry him, I do. I just don't like the idea of taking advantage of the system. Even if he doesn't see it like that, I do. It just worries me because we would be getting married right before he left, and then after 6-9 months, he would come back. Are we supposed to pick up where we left off? Are we going to be the same people? I've been reading other forums from a few different sites and I've just freaked myself out I think from what has been said. Many people have said: you don't last over 18 months, younger military guys rush into marriage, deployment changes people, he will cheat on the ship or in ports, etc.

    From what he has been saying, he planned to marry me either before he deployed or after, but if it was before then, then we would have some money put back. If it was after, well, we could still save some money, just not a ton. He suggested a courthouse marriage, and then when he returns have a wedding. I do see myself marrying him, and I love him. But I was curious to what you all would do?
    Last edited by aprillejo; 11-10-2017 at 12:19 PM. Reason: left out a sentence
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    I like that you’re considering all sides. I would not recommend marrying someone you’ve known for less than a year. You’re still in the “things are new” honeymoon phase. That’s my opinion as someone who has been married for more than 9 years now. It’s not a fairytale. It’s not easy.

    There are certain benefits to getting married where the military is involved, but that is not a reason to do it. He hasn’t proposed. It’s not a matter of we were engaged and now we’re going to move up the date. Seems like he wants to rush things in order to get those benefits.

    Also - we did the courthouse thing and vow renewal later, but we were one of the lucky ones. Oftentimes life gets in the way and it never happens. Are you prepared to give that up?

    I got married young (at 21) after being with DH for 4 years and looking back, I sometimes wish we had waited longer. I, nor can anyone else, tell you what to do, but I’d think long and hard about what you want. Have you finished school yet?
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    Quote Originally Posted by ArmyCupcake View Post
    I like that you’re considering all sides. I would not recommend marrying someone you’ve known for less than a year. You’re still in the “things are new” honeymoon phase. That’s my opinion as someone who has been married for more than 9 years now. It’s not a fairytale. It’s not easy.

    There are certain benefits to getting married where the military is involved, but that is not a reason to do it. He hasn’t proposed. It’s not a matter of we were engaged and now we’re going to move up the date. Seems like he wants to rush things in order to get those benefits.

    Also - we did the courthouse thing and vow renewal later, but we were one of the lucky ones. Oftentimes life gets in the way and it never happens. Are you prepared to give that up?

    I got married young (at 21) after being with DH for 4 years and looking back, I sometimes wish we had waited longer. I, nor can anyone else, tell you what to do, but I’d think long and hard about what you want. Have you finished school yet?
    I've told him multiple times that maybe we should wait longer, and wait til he gets back and go from there. I do feel as if he may be thinking about the benefits more than what I am, because I don't think you should go into a marriage where the majority of it is purely based off of the benefits. Like you said, that is not a reason to get married, and I 100% agree. Whenever I am able to communicate with him again, I may tell him it would be best if we waited (again). I don't want to disappoint him because I think he is planning something when I go to Texas to visit with him and his family, but if I am feeling this way, he should know.

    I am in college currently, and that was also a part I kept trying to consider because I still have another 1.5-2 years before I will have my Bachelor's degree. I'm currently 21, and I do like thinking about being married to him, but just as you said: it's not all fun and games. It would be a huge process to getting used to, and I tried explaining to him, that if we get married and then he comes back and we live with each other and it doesn't work out, what are we supposed to do then? I don't want to be divorced at the age of 21 because we rushed into things. I feel as maybe I came here for advice on how to go about this to suggest we wait longer. Even though I've explained all of this to him, he responds with - "I'm not going to feel any different about you," "I'm not going to find anyone else, because I just want you," "I'm tired of being away from you." I know he is trying to reassure me, but I just feel as if he's not thinking all of this through.
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    Quote Originally Posted by aprillejo View Post
    I've told him multiple times that maybe we should wait longer, and wait til he gets back and go from there. I do feel as if he may be thinking about the benefits more than what I am, because I don't think you should go into a marriage where the majority of it is purely based off of the benefits. Like you said, that is not a reason to get married, and I 100% agree. Whenever I am able to communicate with him again, I may tell him it would be best if we waited (again). I don't want to disappoint him because I think he is planning something when I go to Texas to visit with him and his family, but if I am feeling this way, he should know.

    I am in college currently, and that was also a part I kept trying to consider because I still have another 1.5-2 years before I will have my Bachelor's degree. I'm currently 21, and I do like thinking about being married to him, but just as you said: it's not all fun and games. It would be a huge process to getting used to, and I tried explaining to him, that if we get married and then he comes back and we live with each other and it doesn't work out, what are we supposed to do then? I don't want to be divorced at the age of 21 because we rushed into things. I feel as maybe I came here for advice on how to go about this to suggest we wait longer. Even though I've explained all of this to him, he responds with - "I'm not going to feel any different about you," "I'm not going to find anyone else, because I just want you," "I'm tired of being away from you." I know he is trying to reassure me, but I just feel as if he's not thinking all of this through.
    If he’s not afraid of his feelings changing, then there’s no need to rush. My biggest reason for you would be school. Finish your education before getting hitched. It will take longer and be more complicated to finish if you move to be with him. If he loves you, he should support you and respect that you want to get your degree first. If he wants, tell him to deploy, come back, propose to you, and have a long engagement where you can plan your big wedding.

    Long distance is hard (I’ve been there), but when you do get married, you’ll have many times of separation too.
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    Quote Originally Posted by aprillejo View Post
    Hi all! My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship since the beginning of the year, and all has been going extremely well. He's a Marine, and when he was in training, he was only 4 hours from me, and now he is stationed in North Carolina which is a 7.5hr drive, however that could all just be irrelevant information. Needless to say, we hate being away from each other.

    While this is a newer relationship, the subject "marriage" has been brought up multiple times and how we did see each other in that situation. He's currently away for a month or so and I have no contact with him (has been terrible, but that's for another thread ). He mentioned that he wants to get married before his deployment next year, because: 1. he loves me, wants to start a life with me, and just sees me as being his wife. 2. it would come with separation pay & housing allowance that could be saved for whenever he returns. I want to marry him, I do. I just don't like the idea of taking advantage of the system. Even if he doesn't see it like that, I do. It just worries me because we would be getting married right before he left, and then after 6-9 months, he would come back. Are we supposed to pick up where we left off? Are we going to be the same people? I've been reading other forums from a few different sites and I've just freaked myself out I think from what has been said. Many people have said: you don't last over 18 months, younger military guys rush into marriage, deployment changes people, he will cheat on the ship or in ports, etc.

    From what he has been saying, he planned to marry me either before he deployed or after, but if it was before then, then we would have some money put back. If it was after, well, we could still save some money, just not a ton. He suggested a courthouse marriage, and then when he returns have a wedding. I do see myself marrying him, and I love him. But I was curious to what you all would do?
    Quote Originally Posted by aprillejo View Post
    I've told him multiple times that maybe we should wait longer, and wait til he gets back and go from there. I do feel as if he may be thinking about the benefits more than what I am, because I don't think you should go into a marriage where the majority of it is purely based off of the benefits. Like you said, that is not a reason to get married, and I 100% agree. Whenever I am able to communicate with him again, I may tell him it would be best if we waited (again). I don't want to disappoint him because I think he is planning something when I go to Texas to visit with him and his family, but if I am feeling this way, he should know.

    I am in college currently, and that was also a part I kept trying to consider because I still have another 1.5-2 years before I will have my Bachelor's degree. I'm currently 21, and I do like thinking about being married to him, but just as you said: it's not all fun and games. It would be a huge process to getting used to, and I tried explaining to him, that if we get married and then he comes back and we live with each other and it doesn't work out, what are we supposed to do then? I don't want to be divorced at the age of 21 because we rushed into things. I feel as maybe I came here for advice on how to go about this to suggest we wait longer. Even though I've explained all of this to him, he responds with - "I'm not going to feel any different about you," "I'm not going to find anyone else, because I just want you," "I'm tired of being away from you." I know he is trying to reassure me, but I just feel as if he's not thinking all of this through.
    Hey! DH is a Marine and we live in NC! Which base is your SO at? We've been at all 3 Marine bases in NC so if you have any questions about the area let me know

    So what do you plan to do for school if you do get married and move here? The closet 4-year school from Lejeune/New River is over an hour away and the closest one to Cherry Point is about 1.5 hours away.

    Not sure where you're from but the towns these bases are in are tiny (Havelock more than Jacksonville) and there isn't much to do here. I can see the appeal of wanting to get out of the barracks but he shouldn't rush just for that reason. Does he plan on making this a career? If not, he pretty much has his pick of wherever he wants to move to once his contract is up and he gets out of the Marines in a couple of years. If his feelings for you won't change then he can stand to wait until after he's out.

    I'll be honest, everyone I knew who got married around the time DH and I did either got divorced while the Marine was still in, or just after they got out. Every. single. one. of those couples aren't together anymore. The odds aren't great. I understand why he wants to rush, hell DH and I rushed to get married so that we didn't have to be apart anymore. Yeah we made it but it was very hard, and after 9 years of marriage I still believe we should have waited.



    TL;DR I really think you should wait.




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    Quote Originally Posted by idratherbehiking View Post
    Hey! DH is a Marine and we live in NC! Which base is your SO at? We've been at all 3 Marine bases in NC so if you have any questions about the area let me know

    So what do you plan to do for school if you do get married and move here? The closet 4-year school from Lejeune/New River is over an hour away and the closest one to Cherry Point is about 1.5 hours away.

    Not sure where you're from but the towns these bases are in are tiny (Havelock more than Jacksonville) and there isn't much to do here. I can see the appeal of wanting to get out of the barracks but he shouldn't rush just for that reason. Does he plan on making this a career? If not, he pretty much has his pick of wherever he wants to move to once his contract is up and he gets out of the Marines in a couple of years. If his feelings for you won't change then he can stand to wait until after he's out.

    I'll be honest, everyone I knew who got married around the time DH and I did either got divorced while the Marine was still in, or just after they got out. Every. single. one. of those couples aren't together anymore. The odds aren't great. I understand why he wants to rush, hell DH and I rushed to get married so that we didn't have to be apart anymore. Yeah we made it but it was very hard, and after 9 years of marriage I still believe we should have waited.



    TL;DR I really think you should wait.
    Hey! He's stationed at Camp Lejeune. I am from a very small town, so Jacksonville is considered big to me lol! I was considering looking into an Online program, but then again I don't do the best with online courses (been there done that), and didn't work out. The college I'm currently attending cannot offer me anything else after I finish next semester, so I have to go elsewhere anyways. I do currently drive an hour one way to get to my current college, though. He doesn't plan on making it a career. After his four years, he's done.

    We're both young, and I also fear that if we rush into this, it won't last. I don't want that to happen, and I want to take it slow. I would totally love being engaged to him! I've tried explaining that to him as well, but I just don't think he's seeing where I'm coming from which makes it seem like he just wants the benefits. I do understand completely the whole not wanting to be apart thing, because I hate it just as much as he does. He's currently away and not being able to contact him is horrible. I'm just confused on what to do, or what to say to try to get him to understand where I'm coming from and him not take it as me not wanting to be with him, because it's the exact opposite.
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    Quote Originally Posted by aprillejo View Post
    Hey! He's stationed at Camp Lejeune. I am from a very small town, so Jacksonville is considered big to me lol! I was considering looking into an Online program, but then again I don't do the best with online courses (been there done that), and didn't work out. The college I'm currently attending cannot offer me anything else after I finish next semester, so I have to go elsewhere anyways. I do currently drive an hour one way to get to my current college, though. He doesn't plan on making it a career. After his four years, he's done.

    We're both young, and I also fear that if we rush into this, it won't last. I don't want that to happen, and I want to take it slow. I would totally love being engaged to him! I've tried explaining that to him as well, but I just don't think he's seeing where I'm coming from which makes it seem like he just wants the benefits. I do understand completely the whole not wanting to be apart thing, because I hate it just as much as he does. He's currently away and not being able to contact him is horrible. I'm just confused on what to do, or what to say to try to get him to understand where I'm coming from and him not take it as me not wanting to be with him, because it's the exact opposite.
    I'm at Lejeune and Jacksonville is tiny to me But, most people who I've met from small towns tend to like it better here so you might be fine. About school,my point was we're kind of isolated here so you have like 1 option if you want to take in-person classes.

    I know several guys who are dating their girlfriends long distance while they finish their four years. It can work. Without knowing your DB I'm going to assume he just really wants out of the barracks. Unless you're living in a tiny apartment in the shitty part of town (Jacksonville has a lot of crime ridden areas) then he won't be pocketing much BAH as most people pretty much break even. If he really is just in it for the money, then (and I'm not trying to be mean) that's just really shitty.

    Why don't you tell you're really focused on finishing school? By the time you're done he'll be close to finishing up his contract too, right?




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    Quote Originally Posted by idratherbehiking View Post
    Hey! DH is a Marine and we live in NC! Which base is your SO at? We've been at all 3 Marine bases in NC so if you have any questions about the area let me know

    So what do you plan to do for school if you do get married and move here? The closet 4-year school from Lejeune/New River is over an hour away and the closest one to Cherry Point is about 1.5 hours away.

    Not sure where you're from but the towns these bases are in are tiny (Havelock more than Jacksonville) and there isn't much to do here. I can see the appeal of wanting to get out of the barracks but he shouldn't rush just for that reason. Does he plan on making this a career? If not, he pretty much has his pick of wherever he wants to move to once his contract is up and he gets out of the Marines in a couple of years. If his feelings for you won't change then he can stand to wait until after he's out.

    I'll be honest, everyone I knew who got married around the time DH and I did either got divorced while the Marine was still in, or just after they got out. Every. single. one. of those couples aren't together anymore. The odds aren't great. I understand why he wants to rush, hell DH and I rushed to get married so that we didn't have to be apart anymore. Yeah we made it but it was very hard, and after 9 years of marriage I still believe we should have waited.



    TL;DR I really think you should wait.
    Literally this exactly, except we're at 6 years not not 9. But they're all divorced, all of them! even the ones I "met" online here that got married around when I did, I can think of 3 off the top of my head my age who are now divorced.

    Just wait. finish school. Plan a wedding. save up money. Marriage doesn't need to be rushed into.


    Also, we did the court house and didn't have a ceremony until 3 years later. It was awesome cause it was on a cruise, but no one wanted to come except his parents. Even my parents were like, eh whatever you've been married for years already.


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    Quote Originally Posted by idratherbehiking View Post
    I'm at Lejeune and Jacksonville is tiny to me But, most people who I've met from small towns tend to like it better here so you might be fine. About school,my point was we're kind of isolated here so you have like 1 option if you want to take in-person classes.

    I know several guys who are dating their girlfriends long distance while they finish their four years. It can work. Without knowing your DB I'm going to assume he just really wants out of the barracks. Unless you're living in a tiny apartment in the shitty part of town (Jacksonville has a lot of crime ridden areas) then he won't be pocketing much BAH as most people pretty much break even. If he really is just in it for the money, then (and I'm not trying to be mean) that's just really shitty.

    Why don't you tell you're really focused on finishing school? By the time you're done he'll be close to finishing up his contract too, right?
    Ohhh, okay, I see what you mean! Yeah, I would be fine traveling for classes - not a problem for me.

    I plan to talk to him in December whenever I am able to speak to him again, and just tell him what I want and think is best. If he loves me as much as he says he does, I feel as if he should support my decision and not love me any less for this. Thank you for your advice though, it has definitely helped me more than you know!
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    Quote Originally Posted by bdizzle View Post
    Literally this exactly, except we're at 6 years not not 9. But they're all divorced, all of them! even the ones I "met" online here that got married around when I did, I can think of 3 off the top of my head my age who are now divorced.

    Just wait. finish school. Plan a wedding. save up money. Marriage doesn't need to be rushed into.


    Also, we did the court house and didn't have a ceremony until 3 years later. It was awesome cause it was on a cruise, but no one wanted to come except his parents. Even my parents were like, eh whatever you've been married for years already.
    After reading all of your comments, it really has helped me lean towards the correct decision, which is waiting. I think I was all for it, because I was just thinking of the fact I would be married to him. I was kind of thinking immaturely, because even though I've never been married, I know alot of couples that get married because they are thinking about the "being married" and always see the typical social media's view on it as a "sleepover with your bestfriend every day." When in reality, I mean sure, you can see it as that way, but it's much more than that. Thinking logically, you're going to have to put in so much more effort, which isn't a bad thing, but while we're both still young - we aren't ready for that. We can still be in a committed relationship, and love each other just as much.

    I'll definitely be talking to him about waiting. It's the right thing to do.
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