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Thread: Why am I so insecure?

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    #11
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    I find it odd that he'd tell you that lots of guys in the army cheat on their wives and/or meet people through dating apps. It's almost like he's saying it happens all the time and trying to convince you that it's normal. And for the conversation to progress to you asking him whether he is on dating apps as well (since he mentions it so casually) seems natural for the direction of the conversation. But when he turns it around on you to accuse you of not trusting him, that seems suspicious. In my opinion, he's fueling part of your insecurities.

    If I were in your situation, the next time he brings up people cheating, I would just flat out say what I consider cheating and that cheating will not be tolerated. If you do not want to be with me or remain faithful to me, then there is no reason for us to be together.
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    #12
    Quote Originally Posted by kaywalton View Post
    I understand it can seem odd but we talk about everything but I basically brought it up when he said he hangs out with this one guy who caused lots of drama and pain to his wife and everyone on post knows about it. I asked if he knows if they worked out their problems and his response was his wife stayed with him however he continues cheating on her. And that is also when he said what is happening over there. I know it can also look I don't trust him but it really didn't cross my mind he would do the same. The more I think about it the more I think I was looking for some reassurance. I really have no idea why I am being unsecured and it really bothers me. Could it possibly related to the fact he is deployed?
    It still sounds very odd to me. It does seem like he's testing the waters a bit, or something, based on how you've described it. Or that for some reason, he wants to feed your insecurities, rather than easing them. (Which, by the way, is one of the classic techniques of abusers.) But if you are okay with it, that's what matters.

    But how can you say you trust him. You asked him if he was on dating sites. In other words, you don't fully trust him not to be on dating sites. That's pretty much the definition of not trusting someone.
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    #13
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    It still sounds very odd to me. It does seem like he's testing the waters a bit, or something, based on how you've described it. Or that for some reason, he wants to feed your insecurities, rather than easing them. (Which, by the way, is one of the classic techniques of abusers.) But if you are okay with it, that's what matters.

    But how can you say you trust him. You asked him if he was on dating sites. In other words, you don't fully trust him not to be on dating sites. That's pretty much the definition of not trusting someone.
    Yeah I don't get why this is seemingly coming up so often and idk how he'd even know that all these guys are on dating sites. Is there nothing else for them to talk about? I'd be a little concerned that these are the people he chooses to associate with tbh. I mean you can't choose who you work with but it seems odd to me that a bunch of dudes would be talking about cheating on their wives openly while at work lol.

    And if you have to ask him for reassurance all the time it really doesn't sound like you trust him much at all. My bf and I have been long distance for a significant portion of our relationship, we met on a dating site, I've never felt the need to check on him about it. Like it wouldn't even cross my mind as a possibility. I *have* dated guys I was suspicious of but that's because I didn't trust them and it turns out they weren't trustworthy.
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    #14
    I don't know, I used to work with men who boasted about their affairs, it made me uncomfortable, and I told dh all about it throughout our courtship.

    I think it comes down to if you trust him or not. If you trust him, you have got to stop bringing other men's faults to light in him. You know that Billy Joel song, "innocent man?"
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    #15
    Quote Originally Posted by kaywalton View Post
    Yes, unfortunately so. All my past relationships ended because I got cheated on. I was doing just fine before he left so I dont really understand why I am acting up like this
    I get that this can happen a few times. But unless you have had very few past relationships for it to have happened in all you past relationships says something. You might want to take some time to do some soul searching and figure out why this keeps happening. Perhaps you are attracted to the type of guys who are more likely to cheat. It also sounds like you are pretty needy and need to get more self-confident.
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    #16
    I just looked at your previous threads for context and it looks like this relationship has had trust issues from the start :/ this isn't the first time you've flipped out while he's away and if you can't handle the separation without being able to talk for hours on end then this lifestyle probably isn't for you. you're going to be miserable trying to cope without him and he's going to be irritated that he can't leave his wife to go to work without her questioning his every move.
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    #17
    It does seem very very odd to me that he'd tell you about the cheating and dating apps KNOWING you have trust issues. Almost like he enjoys knowing you'd worry, you know? He should be able to reassure you and not make your insecurities worse.
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    #18
    Quote Originally Posted by Heisenberg View Post
    I just looked at your previous threads for context and it looks like this relationship has had trust issues from the start :/ this isn't the first time you've flipped out while he's away and if you can't handle the separation without being able to talk for hours on end then this lifestyle probably isn't for you. you're going to be miserable trying to cope without him and he's going to be irritated that he can't leave his wife to go to work without her questioning his every move.
    Agree. I mean, he can't be there for you every time you have a bad day or feel nervous about something. Like when you had to go to court. You can't get upset at him for that. He simply cannot just call when you need him every time. He's deployed and it's not really fair you get mad at him for that. And like I said before, sooner or later he will be fed up with it. I know I would be.

    It's okay If this lifestyle isn't for you. It isn't for everyone. I have bad days too. Long distance sucks. Deployments suck. But I know I need to find ways to cope and not lash out at my SO because it's out of his control and you will just stress him out in the long run. You need to really think about these things before you marry this guy. It's not fair to him either. Have you tried counseling?
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    #19
    I think a good idea would be to establish your boundaries, both of you. Cheating is different to everyone. While flirting is innocent to some it might be a heartbreak to others. You need to talk together about what is and isn't acceptable.

    Most of this does seem like insecurity. Do you have problems with severe anxiety or intrusive thoughts? When my anxiety was at its peak I would overthink everything and it would often lead to insecurites in my relationships, friendships, and self. Treating my anxiety cut back on those problems. You might want to stop and evaluate your insecurities as they may be symptoms of a larger problem.
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