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Thread: Premarital counseling

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    #21
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    I feel like counseling before you move in together would be beneficial. I wish DH and I had done that. We're both stubborn and when I'm mad I just need to be left alone. He's not the type to just take a break from a fight. He has to keep going until it's resolved. I can't do that. It just pisses me off more and he doesn't get it. He's gotten better about it. But we seriously could have avoided some big fights by going to counseling.
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    #22
    Quote Originally Posted by Guynavywife View Post
    It's not just about getting advice. It's about having someone start the conversation that you didn't know you needed to have.
    I agree. (I couldn't tell if you were agreeing with me or arguing with me!) For those who haven't been married (or haven't been a step parent, or haven't been married to someone of a different faith, or other big ticket items), the may not know what questions to ask or what conversations to have. Counseling for that kind of thing makes a lot of sense. If it's more of a "we have huge trust issues and fight all the time thing", I'll admit to being skeptical about whether counseling is the right next step, but at the same time, I try not to judge what works for other people.

    I do think that when there are issues overall, some people think that counseling is some magic answer, and I think it rarely is. If you fight terribly, chances are decent that even with counseling, you are always going to fight terribly, perhaps after a period of good behavior immediately following counseling. It's not that I don't think people are capable of change. But the kind of change needed to work out things like ugly fights or trust issues is pretty darn significant, and most people never manage that. I suppose it's always worth a try, but I'd hope that people seeking counseling for that kind of thing would be at least open to the possibility that it might just be a fundamental incompatibility, and that they would wait a while after the counseling to make sure the issue truly was resolved, rather than getting married while still in some counseling honeymoon period.
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    #23
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    I agree. (I couldn't tell if you were agreeing with me or arguing with me!) For those who haven't been married (or haven't been a step parent, or haven't been married to someone of a different faith, or other big ticket items), the may not know what questions to ask or what conversations to have. Counseling for that kind of thing makes a lot of sense. If it's more of a "we have huge trust issues and fight all the time thing", I'll admit to being skeptical about whether counseling is the right next step, but at the same time, I try not to judge what works for other people.

    I do think that when there are issues overall, some people think that counseling is some magic answer, and I think it rarely is. If you fight terribly, chances are decent that even with counseling, you are always going to fight terribly, perhaps after a period of good behavior immediately following counseling. It's not that I don't think people are capable of change. But the kind of change needed to work out things like ugly fights or trust issues is pretty darn significant, and most people never manage that. I suppose it's always worth a try, but I'd hope that people seeking counseling for that kind of thing would be at least open to the possibility that it might just be a fundamental incompatibility, and that they would wait a while after the counseling to make sure the issue truly was resolved, rather than getting married while still in some counseling honeymoon period.
    Disagree with you? Ha! If I ever did, I'd just read my sight and think again about why I must be wrong.
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    #24
    Quote Originally Posted by Guynavywife View Post
    It's not just about getting advice. It's about having someone start the conversation that you didn't know you needed to have.
    But can't the internet do This?
    #neverleavingthehouseagain
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    #25
    After my own experience with psychological abuse, neglect, and infidelity in a long-term relationship and a two-year marriage to the same scumbag, I highly, highly recommend counseling. Spending all those years with my ex had young me convinced that I knew and loved him well enough to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with him. I was proven very wrong, and I wish I'd known then what I've learned from my therapist since.

    I mentioned this in another thread, and I'll suggest it here, too: Michael Webb's 1000 Questions for Couples has been an amazing resource for my SO and me. It covers a huge range of topics that might not arise in everyday conversation. When we decide to spend some time answering questions, my SO and I end up talking for hours. It helps us to feel closer as a couple (we've been long-distance for nearly two years), and it's also given me an opportunity to discover and articulate my own opinions.
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    #26
    Quote Originally Posted by Medic2Doula View Post
    But can't the internet do This?
    #neverleavingthehouseagain
    The internet can also teach me to do surgery...
    But no, not really.
    If you want my opinion on your relationship or life issues, just ask Villanelle!
    Quote Originally Posted by LittleMsSunshine View Post
    I think it's really funny when people come on here, and automatically assume that everyone here is a gung-ho, hoo-rah, i-bleed-red-white-and-blue, kiss-my-military-ass, people-in-uniform-can-do-no-wrong, and i'm-entitled-to-everything bitch.
    "RIP Blackie, and Whitey, New Whitey. Goodbye Poopers and Momma Beige and Lady Grey. New Blackie and the Whitey Sisters rule the roost now!"
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    #27
    I have trust issues...I've been seriously thinking that something like premarital counseling would be beneficial if DB and I tie the knot.
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