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Thread: Experience with an SO who is scared of a good relationship?

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    #1

    Confused Experience with an SO who is scared of a good relationship?

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    Hey everyone. Hope you all are doing good around here! I've been absent since I was on leave for two weeks.

    I've typed this post twice.. The first pretty long and I was only like half way through so I started over.. The second ending about as long as the first but almost done. In the end I decided the story isn't really important. I don't need comments on what happened and don't need to share the story in order for you all to share your wonderful insight and experience.

    So basically DB (or whatever he is at this point, I don't really know) is afraid of our relationship. That's the bottom line of the big, long, long story of just this week alone with a tiny bit of background. He suddenly got weird out of nowhere and after a few days admitted he was scared of our relationship and what it could be, felt guilty over what he'd done, and then the next day he is pushing me away. Because he didn't ever want to feel the way he had again (over the guilt. And those are his words, not assumptions) and he put on this unemotional front. What happened basically confirmed his fears of our relationship and that giving your heart to someone can equal hurt for both.

    Does anyone have experience with dating a guy or gal that didn't know how to handle a good relationship and backed away because of it? Honestly I believe he and I will work out and he will come around, because we kind of went through this during deployment and he came around very quickly as soon as I said I'd give him space. But mostly because I have enough dating experience to know.. That this man is right for me and I for him. We work so well. We weren't really prepared for the deployment, if I'm honest, and we made it through it. And everything that it entailed. I am very sure in our love for one another. And now he is so horribly guilt ridden and also scared, that he is backing away.

    I just need to hear some of you couples made it through this kind of situation.
    Deployment #1: Over!

    DB: feck fuck fack Me: What? DB: I can't believe I love you so damn much


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    #2
    I'm sorry I don't have a great story in mine we broke up because of it. He didn't appreciate me and kept running away using "scared" as an excuse. Turns out he was just an asshole . I would seriously think about if this is the kind of relationship you want to invest in.

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    Quote Originally Posted by AndreaClaire View Post
    I'm sorry I don't have a great story in mine we broke up because of it. He didn't appreciate me and kept running away using "scared" as an excuse. Turns out he was just an asshole . I would seriously think about if this is the kind of relationship you want to invest in.
    If it we stay together and it happened again I don't think I could stick around. But in all honesty.. Our relationship has been very fast and we have talked about it in the past on a few occasions and how it makes him uncomfortable and such. It really shouldn't have been a shock that this is happening I guess.
    Deployment #1: Over!

    DB: feck fuck fack Me: What? DB: I can't believe I love you so damn much


    Extended separation #2: Over!
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by AndreaClaire View Post
    I'm sorry I don't have a great story in mine we broke up because of it. He didn't appreciate me and kept running away using "scared" as an excuse. Turns out he was just an asshole . I would seriously think about if this is the kind of relationship you want to invest in.



    Samantha, you know my situation and what happened with me... and that it didn't work out. While my ex never used the word "scared" he did tell me that he didn't want to put the effort into the relationship because what if it still didn't work out in the end? That's the risk you take with ANY relationship, even marriage. This isn't the first time your DB has done it to you. How many more times does this need to happen for you to say enough is enough? I had to hold my ex's hand the first months of his deployment because he was SO WORRIED that I wouldn't be able to handle it and I'd break up with him. Do you know how exhausting that was to constantly say to him "I'm not going to break up with you" ? But in the end, I did it and was there for him... and he ended up not being able to handle it or be there for me. What a freaking slap in the face, right? How many times are you going to have to keep saying to him that this relationship is worth it?

    I know you want it to work out and I really hope it works out however you want. If it were me though, I'd be saying this is a pattern. You shouldn't have to constantly beg someone to want to be with you.

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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by SamanthaAniwaya View Post
    Hey everyone. Hope you all are doing good around here! I've been absent since I was on leave for two weeks.

    I've typed this post twice.. The first pretty long and I was only like half way through so I started over.. The second ending about as long as the first but almost done. In the end I decided the story isn't really important. I don't need comments on what happened and don't need to share the story in order for you all to share your wonderful insight and experience.

    So basically DB (or whatever he is at this point, I don't really know) is afraid of our relationship. That's the bottom line of the big, long, long story of just this week alone with a tiny bit of background. He suddenly got weird out of nowhere and after a few days admitted he was scared of our relationship and what it could be, felt guilty over what he'd done, and then the next day he is pushing me away. Because he didn't ever want to feel the way he had again (over the guilt. And those are his words, not assumptions) and he put on this unemotional front. What happened basically confirmed his fears of our relationship and that giving your heart to someone can equal hurt for both.

    Does anyone have experience with dating a guy or gal that didn't know how to handle a good relationship and backed away because of it? Honestly I believe he and I will work out and he will come around, because we kind of went through this during deployment and he came around very quickly as soon as I said I'd give him space. But mostly because I have enough dating experience to know.. That this man is right for me and I for him. We work so well. We weren't really prepared for the deployment, if I'm honest, and we made it through it. And everything that it entailed. I am very sure in our love for one another. And now he is so horribly guilt ridden and also scared, that he is backing away.

    I just need to hear some of you couples made it through this kind of situation.
    What is making him feel so guilty? How long have you guys been together? To me, saying you are scared of a relationship is just another way of saying you don't want to be in the relationship.


    life's a party, rock your body
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by fraujennyy View Post
    What is making him feel so guilty? How long have you guys been together? To me, saying you are scared of a relationship is just another way of saying you don't want to be in the relationship.
    This. I'm sorry




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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by fraujennyy View Post
    What is making him feel so guilty? How long have you guys been together? To me, saying you are scared of a relationship is just another way of saying you don't want to be in the relationship.
    Yup. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, he would be. He wouldnt let 'fear' or 'guilt' or whatever words he is making up stop him from having what he wants. Move on to someone who actually wants to be with you.
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    #8
    DH was definitely scared to be in a relationship with me. I was his first relationship after his ex wife cheated on him. When things started getting serious, he broke up with me because he was scared, and we didn't speak to each other for months. I initiated the first contact, hoping that we could at least remain civil and showing him there were no hard feelings after the break up. He pursued me wanting to get back together. When he asked me to be his girlfriend again, I warned him that if we ever broke up again that that was it and we weren't getting back together after that. He may have been scared before because of his ex, but getting back into a relationship with someone who had broken up with you is, in my book, pretty scary and a good reason to run.

    In the back of my mind, I was so scared that he would hurt me again. I went through a dark period in our relationship where I picked fights with him for non-important reasons. I'd freak out and get mad at him for whatever reasons. If he broke up with me, it was over. He never ever hinted or leaned towards breaking up with me again. It was always what can we do to make things right. Let's figure out a solution together. I really needed that time to trust him again.

    So I know the feeling of being scared from past experiences. Being scared from worrying a bad experience will happen to you and overcoming it is easier to do than being scared from feeling guilt. Feeling guilty implies that person did something to cause the bad experience and will need to learn from it, change their behavior/thoughts to overcome the guilt as opposed to going through the bad experience and coming back on the other end. That makes a difference.
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    #9
    I can definitely relate to your DB. Relationships are exceptionally vulnerable when they become serious. My DB has the power to emotionally devastate me and it wasn't easy to choose to let him in. However, I am really glad I did because our relationship is really thriving. Your DB screwed up, and he has to come to terms with what he did and forgive himself for the relationship to continue. That is a difficult task that requires a lot of emotional maturity.

    My inbox is open if you want to chat further.
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    #10
    MY DF wasn't scared of a good relationship when we started dating, he just was scared of a relationship in general due to his experiences from his previous marriage. I felt a little guilty about dating someone again, despite my previous SO passing away almost 2 years prior. We never broke up during the relationship but we took things really slow, not even calling it dating, just friends hanging out and doing stuff together.
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