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Thread: I'm a deployed woman, just broke up

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    I'm a deployed woman, just broke up

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    I'm a reservist, but currently deployed to Afghan as a contractor. I've been gone for about 10 weeks now.

    My boyfriend and I had been dating just over 2.5 years when I left in August. I loved him, but things had never been "great"--he loves me, but he has serious anger management issues. And trust issues. Which caused me to be more secretive (about both male and female friends) which caused him to be even more suspicious. Because even if an old friend that was 3,000 miles away called, he'd accuse me of sleeping with them for months.

    Every time we had a disagreement, he raises his voice and yells and swears, says I have no common sense and that he's tired of telling me very simple things. Even over small things. I have a voice recording on my phone of him going on for three straight minutes because I got mayo on his sandwich at Subway, and he only likes mayo at the house when he's going to eat it right away.

    He's a civilian. He's never been affiliated with the military.

    We live together in my house. I also have a newer car and two cats which I love dearly. He's watching them all for me while I'm away. He's about to turn 36 and I'm about to turn 30.

    Last Thursday he said he really needed to talk to me. I called him that evening, worried, and he started saying that he ran into some old ex-Army buddies over the weekend, and they were saying things like "wow I hope she really loves you" and "it's just one big f***fest over there, and any decent looking chick is sleeping with a bunch of guys, and not just the single women, either." I told him he had nothing to worry about, but he kept going on and on, saying it's a little weird how I've been so distant and don't call every day, and now he's hearing this. I hung up on him. I was so angry!!! I'm in intelligence. I work out 2 hours in the morning, hygiene, then take a bus to the other side of base for work where I pull 10 hour shifts 7 days a week. I'm EXHAUSTED!

    Friday I called him back hoping to have a calmer talk. Things started off productively, and he started saying the only reason he's worried is because he knows I'm a good faithful person, but he also knows that sometimes people are away for a long time and have urges and --

    I interjected and said "I know, they kind of justify it to themselves"

    He immediately started screaming at me saying "let me f***ing finish!!!!"

    I said "don't talk to me like that"

    And he said "then don't f****ing interrupt me!"

    I said "ok we're done talking. Bye." And hung up.

    He texted me hours later apologizing and saying he'd really like to talk daily if we can, and that he wished I wouldn't just hang up on him, bc he can't call me back. I texted him back saying I was very upset, and fed up with the yelling and disrespect, and needed time to think.

    Yesterday I sent him the world's longest text. I knew if I called he'd beg and plead, or yell more, and I really couldn't bear either.

    I basically said it's over, and gave him two options: 1) seek mental health treatment and mail me proof, or 2) I'll send him a certified letter giving him 30 days' notice on when to be out of my house once I know my leave dates.

    I'm not worried about the cats--he loves them immensely and would never hurt them.

    I have him blocked and told him so, but said twice that he has my address if he wants to contact me. To me that just shows I'm worth the actual effort of mailing something to.

    I'm just a little torn right now. Things were never going to get better. But I keep feeling like maybe I'm just going crazy because of the stress from being deployed, what if I regret it later and can't take it back?
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    #2
    I think you're taking the right steps. Y'all have been together for 2.5 years and are committed, if you want to make it work and you really love him, don't give up, allow him to seek treatment to better himself. And you're doing that, which I applaud. If he's willing to seek treatment to better the relationship, I would be willing to stay with him since he's putting forth effort. If he chooses to not seek treatment then I would say that really shows how much he truly cares about the relationship. You reap what you sow.
    Maybe he doesn't truly realize that he has a problem, or moreso that his actions are the ones causing so much discomfort. I think once he seeks treatment and someone else can show him how his actions are affecting the relationship that he'll be willing to sort out his problems.

    Either than that, I can offer lots of hugs! It sounds extremely stressful.
  3. No longer seeing where it goes, I'm in the driver's seat.
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    #3
    I think you made the best choice and made it clear to him what needs to happen. I am sorry you're hurting but I think it was awesome to stick up for yourself too. No matter what you may have done, he has no right to treat you like that.
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    #4
    Sounds like you made the right decision. It was a relationship struggling to find a reason to survive, barely.
    As for the housing issue, not as easy as sending a letter, especially if he does not want to leave.
    Depending on his level of anger, you may want to contact a landlord tenant lawyer to work on evicting him immediately.
    Also I might send a friend to pick up your car.

    As for whether you might regret it, quickly, list the things that you might regret, and weigh them just against what you have told us. And I am not sure you have told us everything about his negatives. That is the kind of relationship you run from, fast and far.

    Also if you have a joint bank account, get your money out and open a new account. Don't let him have access to your credit cards, cash or other accounts.

    Oh, and welcome!!!
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  5. One does not simply Ewok into Endor
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Guynavywife View Post
    Sounds like you made the right decision. It was a relationship struggling to find a reason to survive, barely.
    As for the housing issue, not as easy as sending a letter, especially if he does not want to leave.
    Depending on his level of anger, you may want to contact a landlord tenant lawyer to work on evicting him immediately.
    Also I might send a friend to pick up your car.

    As for whether you might regret it, quickly, list the things that you might regret, and weigh them just against what you have told us. And I am not sure you have told us everything about his negatives. That is the kind of relationship you run from, fast and far.

    Also if you have a joint bank account, get your money out and open a new account. Don't let him have access to your credit cards, cash or other accounts.

    Oh, and welcome!!!
    Everything he said. Except he said it a lot better than I would.

    I do want to add that I am so sorry you're going through this, especially right now. It isn't right or fair to you that he's acting the way that he is... at any point in time but especially while you're busting your ass on a deployment.

    and to the forum.

    <3 Anthiea <3 KittenMittens <3
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    #6
    I didn't even have to get past the first 8 sentences before I knew this wasn't a good relationship to be in. It's very clear that the relationship is toxic and abusive for you. Whether he can get help to fix his anger is up to him and the choices he makes, but for now, I think you did the right thing. You have enough to worry about without adding being yelled at and belittled for some guy he knows talking about other women who cheat, mayo on his sammy, or whatever else sets him off that day. Stick to your guns, or he will continue to be the way he is. There's no sense in being in a relationship that makes you feel lesser than you are when there are plenty of men in the world who would rather build you up than tear you down.

    be cool.
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    #7

    Help Thanks!!!!

    Thanks so much for the support, everybody. I've been refreshing this page and reading the replies all day, just to keep from crying.

    I was half expecting to be severely blasted for doing this via text. But honestly I'm scared of him, which I partially blame on him, and partially on myself.

    I know it comes across as a pity part, but I've been going through a lot of my old questions today and just shaking my head. I guess I need a little bit of "woe is me" time right now to begin healing. Not like I can repaint my house or go on a lavish vacation. I'm kind of stuck.

    https://in.answers.yahoo.com/questio...7093926AAS0gpZ

    https://in.answers.yahoo.com/questio...2113327AAiYjdK

    https://in.answers.yahoo.com/questio...6010447AAmxg3D

    https://in.answers.yahoo.com/questio...1235459AAMcSIz

    https://in.answers.yahoo.com/questio...3042333AAC7RgD
  8. Señor Member
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    #8
    Yahoo answers is basically the second worst place (facebook being the first) to go for relationship answers. You will get a million trolls, a million people talking out of their asses, two million 13 year olds answering, and only a handful of people who actually give a damn about replying with a respectful and educated answer. Stay awaaay.

    be cool.
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    #9
    I agree, Ashley. I just didn't know where to go at the time.
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