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Thread: Do I censor myself?

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    #1

    Sad Do I censor myself?

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    Am I supposed to censor what I share with DB because he's deployed? He says we can talk about anything, but the minute I bring up an issue, he feels like I'm insulting him or gets defensive. I don't want to sound inconsiderate, but what about my feelings? I care about him, we speak everyday, I send care packages and handwritten letters. I am torn. Help!
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    #2
    If he says he wants you to be open with him, I'd believe he meant it.

    That said, I know that for my DH, it's hard for him when I am struggling and he isn't here. So while I still share my troubles, I make sure to let him know I am going to be okay, point out that I have a plan, and also include positive stuff.

    I don't think you should censor yourself. It's not healthy for you or for your relationship. But I do think it is considerate to b mindful of the overall picture you are presenting. If you are always negative, or if you never tell him how you are going to handle the problems after telling him they exist, then that's going to be difficult for him.
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    #3
    I think villanelle's advice is spot on. DH used to get a bit defensive and upset when he was away too ... it made him feel helpless and guilty if I was struggling and he wasn't there for me. Sharing solutions and reassuring him is a great way to alleviate that.

    What kind of issues are upsetting him?
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by ebonybeauty View Post
    Am I supposed to censor what I share with DB because he's deployed? He says we can talk about anything, but the minute I bring up an issue, he feels like I'm insulting him or gets defensive. I don't want to sound inconsiderate, but what about my feelings? I care about him, we speak everyday, I send care packages and handwritten letters. I am torn. Help!
    What sort of issues are you trying to address and how are you doing so? Are the two of you normally on the same page with communication? Whether or not you need to censor yourself might be a matter of how you are approaching things rather than what you are approaching. If someone I am communicating with is giving me a response that makes me feel they are insulted or need to be defensive I would take a step back and evaluate things to see if maybe I am coming at it from a point that is contributing to that and consider what changes I can make to lead to a more productive conversation on the issue.
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    #5
    Well, I think he's a little intimidated by some of the things I've shared with him, such as the type of men I've dated in the past. I consider DB to be successful in his own way, but he mentioned that he earned his success, as if the previous guys I dated did not. Also, when I told him that my brother expected him to treat me well and his job didn't matter, well, he got a little upset because again, he earned his commission. We're good now, but I think the sore spot is his transition to being an officer from being enlisted. I know better and shouldn't disclose certain things as men's ego are rather fragile.
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    #6
    1. Why are you discussion your past relationships that intently? I wouldn't be intimidated by my SO talking about their exes, I'd be annoyed, unless of course he asked and just didn't like the reply? If anything, stroke his ego. Don't talk up your exes with your current SO.
    2. Your brother isn't in the relationship. So telling him your brother's rude comment is unnecessary. He probably took it as an insult that his job "didn't matter", as if your brother thought they he assumed your brother would like him no matter what just because he's in the Army. Which is pretty insulting to insinuate.

    Obviously I'm not in the conversation, so maybe he was asking and you were just answering truthfully, and maybe he legitimately wanted to know what your brother thought of your relationship, but it seems to me like those are fairly reasonable excuses to be annoyed. You don't need to 100% censor yourself, but I wouldn't exactly tell him how wonderful your exes are and how your brother is playing daddy over your relationship.

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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Ashley. View Post
    1. Why are you discussion your past relationships that intently? I wouldn't be intimidated by my SO talking about their exes, I'd be annoyed, unless of course he asked and just didn't like the reply? If anything, stroke his ego. Don't talk up your exes with your current SO.
    2. Your brother isn't in the relationship. So telling him your brother's rude comment is unnecessary. He probably took it as an insult that his job "didn't matter", as if your brother thought they he assumed your brother would like him no matter what just because he's in the Army. Which is pretty insulting to insinuate.

    Obviously I'm not in the conversation, so maybe he was asking and you were just answering truthfully, and maybe he legitimately wanted to know what your brother thought of your relationship, but it seems to me like those are fairly reasonable excuses to be annoyed. You don't need to 100% censor yourself, but I wouldn't exactly tell him how wonderful your exes are and how your brother is playing daddy over your relationship.
    ^^I agree. It probably isn't the best idea to be talking about exes while he's far away, especially if it isn't really relevant information. DB and I rarely talk about our past relationships unless it's really necessary.

    It just sounds to me like the conversations you're having may seem threatening or a bit to DB, especially when he's not there and able to talk to you face-to-face or defend himself in these conversations (like the ones with your brother). I definitely don't think you should censor yourself and how you're feeling, but be aware of how you may be perceived with these conversations and try to remain positive for his sake as well as your own.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Ashley. View Post
    1. Why are you discussion your past relationships that intently? I wouldn't be intimidated by my SO talking about their exes, I'd be annoyed, unless of course he asked and just didn't like the reply? If anything, stroke his ego. Don't talk up your exes with your current SO.
    2. Your brother isn't in the relationship. So telling him your brother's rude comment is unnecessary. He probably took it as an insult that his job "didn't matter", as if your brother thought they he assumed your brother would like him no matter what just because he's in the Army. Which is pretty insulting to insinuate.

    Obviously I'm not in the conversation, so maybe he was asking and you were just answering truthfully, and maybe he legitimately wanted to know what your brother thought of your relationship, but it seems to me like those are fairly reasonable excuses to be annoyed. You don't need to 100% censor yourself, but I wouldn't exactly tell him how wonderful your exes are and how your brother is playing daddy over your relationship.
    - I can see why your SO would respond in the way you characterized his reaction to the conversations.
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    #9
    Yeah I guess that's not really what I was expecting when you talk about bringing up "issues." I don't think you should have to necessarily censor yourself, but maybe it would help to kind of re-think what you're sharing with him. It's one thing if he's not willing to discuss legitimate relationship issues without getting upset or angry. But things like the upsides of your exes or your family's feelings about how he treats you ... I can definitely understand why he feels insulted. And it kinda cuts both ways too - if something you say upsets him, should he censor that as well?
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    #10
    Thank you for pointing out what I was doing wrong. I didn't realize the impact my words were making on DB. We're good now, but I won't make this mistake again. I do appreciate everyone's input.
    New year, new me!

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