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Thread: Worried about our alone time!! Need Help!

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    #1

    Worried about our alone time!! Need Help!

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    So we have been married for about 9 years we have 4 kids and after watching that movie the sex tape that is pretty much my life minus looking like Cameron Diaz on those skates. But needless to say our alone time is limited and late night and of course a date night from time to time but we are just like everyone else we are exhausted. But I dont get his lack of trying he doesnt seem to be interested i mean i get the he is to tired but just looking at him and when he looks at me its just not there anymore. I mean i have talked with my friends and as i see them i think about how loving there marriage is and how mine does not look like that at all and he is getting ready for a workup so it will just get harder for him. Besides just a date night or just asking him straight up could i get some fresh ideas i am very worried and its only getting worse.:eek
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    #2
    Hi there. You should introduce yourself in the Newbies section of the board so that we can get to know you.

    I'm not sure what you're asking for here. Have you talked to him about this? Is this a sexual thing, or is it a communication thing, or something else entirely?
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by lastonein View Post
    So we have been married for about 9 years we have 4 kids and after watching that movie the sex tape that is pretty much my life minus looking like Cameron Diaz on those skates. But needless to say our alone time is limited and late night and of course a date night from time to time but we are just like everyone else we are exhausted. But I dont get his lack of trying he doesnt seem to be interested i mean i get the he is to tired but just looking at him and when he looks at me its just not there anymore. I mean i have talked with my friends and as i see them i think about how loving there marriage is and how mine does not look like that at all and he is getting ready for a workup so it will just get harder for him. Besides just a date night or just asking him straight up could i get some fresh ideas i am very worried and its only getting worse.
    Your about me says you have 3 kids. Did you have a child between joining yesterday and this post?

    Your profile also says you have a very loving marriage so I guess that also changed between your join date and this thread?





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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Whitla View Post
    Your about me says you have 3 kids. Did you have a child between joining yesterday and this post?

    Your profile also says you have a very loving marriage so I guess that also changed between your join date and this thread?

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    Quote Originally Posted by KoalaBär View Post
    Hi there. You should introduce yourself in the Newbies section of the board so that we can get to know you.

    I'm not sure what you're asking for here. Have you talked to him about this? Is this a sexual thing, or is it a communication thing, or something else entirely?
    I'm a bit lost on just what it is you are asking here too, OP - can you maybe explain a bit more what the actual problem/concern/question is?

    I did notice that you mentioned his lack of trying - aside from what he does, or doesn't do, what do YOU do? What I am getting at is are YOU trying or are you waiting for him to try and getting frustrated that he isn't doing so? When you say you've talked about it, do you mean you've had a constructive conversation or was it an argument? What was that conversation about and was there an agreement at the end of it that things would change and specific things that each of you would do differently? What is it that you feel is currently lacking?
    Since I am not really clear on everything I will say that I am a fan of the concept of "be the spouse you want" - meaning, if you want a more affectionate partner, be an affectionate partner; if you want a partner who surprises you with a gesture, surprise your partner with a gesture; if you want to have date nights, plan a date night.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by lastonein View Post
    So we have been married for about 9 years we have 4 kids and after watching that movie the sex tape that is pretty much my life minus looking like Cameron Diaz on those skates. But needless to say our alone time is limited and late night and of course a date night from time to time but we are just like everyone else we are exhausted. But I dont get his lack of trying he doesnt seem to be interested i mean i get the he is to tired but just looking at him and when he looks at me its just not there anymore. I mean i have talked with my friends and as i see them i think about how loving there marriage is and how mine does not look like that at all and he is getting ready for a workup so it will just get harder for him. Besides just a date night or just asking him straight up could i get some fresh ideas i am very worried and its only getting worse.
    QFP. Because - I can. And I'm just like that.

    OP - I saw a quote that says something to the effect "Don't compare. It will only make you unhappy." Just because someone's marriage LOOKS loving - it isn't necessarily so. If anything, I have learned that marriage is a lot of work - for any couple.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Ol' Grey Mare View Post
    I'm a bit lost on just what it is you are asking here too, OP - can you maybe explain a bit more what the actual problem/concern/question is?

    I did notice that you mentioned his lack of trying - aside from what he does, or doesn't do, what do YOU do? What I am getting at is are YOU trying or are you waiting for him to try and getting frustrated that he isn't doing so? When you say you've talked about it, do you mean you've had a constructive conversation or was it an argument? What was that conversation about and was there an agreement at the end of it that things would change and specific things that each of you would do differently? What is it that you feel is currently lacking?
    Since I am not really clear on everything I will say that I am a fan of the concept of "be the spouse you want" - meaning, if you want a more affectionate partner, be an affectionate partner; if you want a partner who surprises you with a gesture, surprise your partner with a gesture; if you want to have date nights, plan a date night.
    This is awesome advice!




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    #8
    When you say something besides just asking him, do you mean something besides asking him about the affection issue or something besides asking him for sex? I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for sex honestly ... is it that you want him to be the one who initiates? I get that it's nice to feel wanted but first of all that cuts both ways, and second I don't think there is really a better way to make sure your needs are met than to communicate them to your partner and ask for what you want.

    I guess I'm like the PPs I don't quite understand what you are asking. It kind of sounds like you know the solutions already (date nights and talking are great ideas!) so is there some reason those aren't good options?
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    #9
    Thanks everyone for the replies i guess what i was looking for was more constructive or productive ways to get him involved and get that feeling that he wants to be with me and be more affectonate. But i guess i will continue to "be the spouse you want"
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by lastonein View Post
    Thanks everyone for the replies i guess what i was looking for was more constructive or productive ways to get him involved and get that feeling that he wants to be with me and be more affectonate. But i guess i will continue to "be the spouse you want"
    Why don't you ask him for ways that he is comfortable being more involved, or ask him about being more affectionate and what prevents him from doing so, what he needs from you, etc.? It makes sense to ask him so you can figure out where he's at, rather than just guessing and blindly trying stuff to see what works. The "be the spouse you want" is good, but the problem with that is that you may be wanting things he doesn't realize you want. What's good for you may not be what is good for him, so he may see romantic surprises and not really appreciate them, because that's just not what resonates with him. You might want a candle light dinner, and he may want you to be waiting at the door in kinky lingerie when he goes up to bed. So just ask him what he wants and needs, and tell him what you hope for, and talk it out from there.

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    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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