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Thread: interracial relationship - old school parents

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    interracial relationship - old school parents

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    One of the biggest issues I've been facing (internally) is the fact that I'm white and my boyfriend is Jamaican. My parents are somewhat old fashion and are not big on interracial relationships. Ok well let me rephrase that, my parents are divorced so one side is totally supportive and the other side, not so much. The kicker is I still live at home to save money and now to figure out what I'm going to do since my boyfriend is in the military and when he comes over you can feel the tension in the air. It's extremely uncomfortable! When I go to visit him they don't ask where I'm going, how my trip was and they never ask how he is doing (again, extremely uncomfortable!).

    So here's where my problem lies. We've been together for 4 years and have been talking about getting engaged. For the most part I'm super exited but one part of me gets extremely nervous and afraid. If/when it does happen I have NO IDEA how I'd tell my parents and I don't know how they'd react (congratulate me, not care, kick me out, give me an ultimatum, etc.) At this point I'd rather walk on broken glass then have to deal with that!

    Has/is anyone else is a similar situation? Any advise? This has been kicked my anxiety into overdrive for the past four years! Not sure how much longer I can manage!!

    - KAT5
  2. cuz i'm wonderful
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    #2
    I haven't personally experienced this, but my grandmother has expressed feelings like "I'm not racist, but the races shouldn't mix." Personally, I say fuck them. You're not going to leave, and it sucks and is draining and upsetting to lack family support, but it's their problem and their loss. Anything they say, I'd keep my response short and sweet. "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I love him, he makes me happy, and if you can't see past his skin color, then that's your problem," or something along those lines. You've found a man to love. Try not to let them rain on your parade.

    As for getting kicked out, survival instincts say don't tell them until you're able to be independent if they really do go there.
  3. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #3
    We haven't had to deal with that since our families haven't expressed an issue with our races. Have you ever sat down and had a conversation with your parents and flat out said that this is happening and it is serious? Ultimately, it's your life, you're an adult now and with that comes tough decisions sometimes. You know their opinion so the lack of congratulations may just be something that you have to get over and if you are taking another step forward that you don't think that they will support, have a plan of what you're going to do next.

    Honestly, if it's been a source of anxiety for years and you're in a tizzy about having to eventually tell them that you're getting married and dreading it then you may want to look into moving out for your own emotional well-being.
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by KAT5 View Post
    When I go to visit him they don't ask where I'm going, how my trip was and they never ask how he is doing (again, extremely uncomfortable!).
    - KAT5
    Is this true only when you go visit him, or is it also true when you go other places?
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    #5
    Honestly, if they haven't done more than give off awkward vibes when he comes over and not ask about him in the four years you've been together I'm sure they will handle it fine. They may not approve or congratulate you but I don't see given what you posted that they'd go off their rocker and kick you out at this point.
  6. Senior Member
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    #6
    My husband is biracial, but when I brought him home to meet my mother and stepfather... they hated him because they only chose to see that he was darker than I was. Needless to say, that dinner was the only time we hung out at my parents house. After that, I was almost never home. I chose to spend time with (at the time) my boyfriend, and then fiance. I was gone for sometimes 18+ hours a day. I was also enrolled in college classes and working almost full time (granted, DH worked with me at then). Pretty much during that time, I avoided my parents and we never spoke about the man who I would later end up marrying.

    I was miserable at that point in my life and the only thing that cheered me up was spending time with DH. He had made a promise to me when we first started dating -- he promised to take care of me and get me out of the shitty situation I was in at home. The first step in his game plan of fulfilling said promise was joining the military. We got engaged before he left for Basic and my mother nearly flipped. I thought she was going to kick me out, to spite the fact that I was practically supporting the household by my self at that point in time. DH got to come, from Basic, for Christmas that year. I spent Christmas with him, in a hotel room across town from my mom's house.

    A few months later, while my husband was in AIT, he and I decided to get married. We did something called a double proxy marriage. For two months, I lived in my mother's house without her knowing that I married someone that she never would've chosen for me in a million years. Then, I dropped some more news on my mother... I was dropping out of college, quitting my job, and moving to be with my "fiance". My mother didn't speak to me for almost a week and she was a wreck. But, I packed my UHaul all by myself and drove almost 10 hours, alone with my cat and all of my belongings, to be with my husband. The only thing my mother asked of me was that I graduate college before having children. No one in our families knows we did a double proxy marriage. They still think we went to a courthouse.

    Fast forward to present day... My mom and I talk a lot on Facebook now and occasionally on the phone, when she has time and isn't working. She asks about my husband occasionally. I have not, and will not, tell her that my husband and I are TTC or that we have been actively doing so for six months now. That's the only thing I get anxiety about regarding my marriage and my mother, to be quite honest.

    Moral of my story: do what you wanna do and what you feel is right. Live your life for you.
    My advise: if/when you guys get engaged... be ready for the worst case scenario to happen. If you think they'll kick you out, you should probably have a place to go. Have some money saved up. Be ready to walk the walk if you're gonna be big enough to talk the talk, ya know?

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    #7
    First of all, I think it's pretty cool that you're an interracial couple. DB and I are too, I guess, we're both mixed. Second, it's your life and your future. If you think you're going to have a happy and successful future with him, screw whatever anyone else says. Their feelings/opinions aren't your responsibility. Your happiness, however, is.
  8. Fresh Newbie
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    #8
    Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate then all!

    dekeoboe,

    I don't really travel or go anywhere besides to see him. All through boot camp nothing was said, and now all through A-School. They ask me to call when I get to wherever I'm going to make sure I got there safe and that's where it ends.


    bars_and_bodegas,

    Thank you for sharing your story with me! This may sound weird but I feel somewhat relieved. I hope they surprise me and everything works out fine but if not I know I'll find a way to deal. Just to be on the safe side I've been saving $$$ just in case!!
  9. Wibbly, wobbly, timey, wimey stuff.
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    #9
    My parents are not racist, but they would rather I marry a Chinese man simply because we they would like the bloodline to continue being purely Chinese. Eventually they learned to put up with DB because he makes me happy
  10. OG Member
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    #10
    My husband is bi-racial and when he and I first started dating it was little nerve racking to bring him to meet my parents but ultimately I didn't care all that much what they thought, if they had negative opinions it didn't really affect me because by that point I was independent and on my own anyway. If I were in your situation and I thought that there was a serious chance I could be kicked out then I'd be making moves to stand on my own two feet and having my own place or at least the ability to get my own place.

    If the two of you have been together for 4 years and they haven't kicked you out yet I'm gonna say you're probably fine and stressing yourself out over nothing. They have to know that the two of you are serious and that engagement/marriage is likely something that could happen in the future.

    I hope everything works out and that your family comes around OP.


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