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Thread: Emotional distance...

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    #1

    Bang Head Emotional distance...

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    I feel like I'm stuck in this never ending cycle.. He's away, so I spend every day making sure he's loved. He's always stressed out. I try harder. He says I'm being obsessive. Maybe I care too much. Maybe he doesn't care enough. All I know is I feel like I'm going crazy. Half the time I want to yank my hair out, and the other half I'm crying like a baby. And the harder I try to explain things to him, the further away he seems. I just don't know what to do anymore..
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    #2
    It sounds like you're trying too hard. Just take it easy, relax, let your relationship play out the way it's supposed to. It's good you make someone know they feel loved but if you try hard every day it gets to be too much.
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    #3
    I just can't seem to find the line between caring too much, and not caring enough.
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    #4
    Maybe try giving it a few days? DH LOVESSSSSS to overcommunicate. And while yes, I love that he wants to talk so much, we tend to get a little more snippy if we are talking too much. I suggest taking a day or two, go out with the girls, have a night to just yourself, do whatever you need for YOU to destress. Then after that maybe send him a message and say "hey whats up? how was your day?". Not talking to them for a day or two doesnt mean you dont care. Sometimes you just need to take time for you.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by GermanBound1216 View Post
    I feel like I'm stuck in this never ending cycle.. He's away, so I spend every day making sure he's loved. He's always stressed out. I try harder. He says I'm being obsessive. Maybe I care too much. Maybe he doesn't care enough. All I know is I feel like I'm going crazy. Half the time I want to yank my hair out, and the other half I'm crying like a baby. And the harder I try to explain things to him, the further away he seems. I just don't know what to do anymore..
    Have you asked him what he wants/needs and where the line of "too much" is for him?
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Katarina View Post
    Maybe try giving it a few days? DH LOVESSSSSS to overcommunicate. And while yes, I love that he wants to talk so much, we tend to get a little more snippy if we are talking too much. I suggest taking a day or two, go out with the girls, have a night to just yourself, do whatever you need for YOU to destress. Then after that maybe send him a message and say "hey whats up? how was your day?". Not talking to them for a day or two doesnt mean you dont care. Sometimes you just need to take time for you.
    This. We literally just went through the "you're annoying me because you're always getting angry" "well i'm always getting pissy cus you're always being snippy" dumbest argument ever. We took some time off (not totally but very short, spaced out convos...just basic "hey i'm alive, you are too, ok bye" kinda things) and everything is going a lot better. Also remember if he's just barely talking, he's still talking. That means he still cares but that's probably all he can handle right now. Just relax and trust he still cares for you.
  7. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by GermanBound1216 View Post
    I feel like I'm stuck in this never ending cycle.. He's away, so I spend every day making sure he's loved. He's always stressed out. I try harder. He says I'm being obsessive. Maybe I care too much. Maybe he doesn't care enough. All I know is I feel like I'm going crazy. Half the time I want to yank my hair out, and the other half I'm crying like a baby. And the harder I try to explain things to him, the further away he seems. I just don't know what to do anymore..
    Saying you're obsessive is a pretty harsh way of putting it, but it does sound like he's asking for a bit more breathing room. You sound very concerned with making sure he feels loved, which is a natural thing to want to do! But it may be that some of your concern is putting a lot of pressure on him. If you feel like you spend every day making sure he's loved, he may feel that he has to spend every day validating that effort you put in, and if he's already stressed out that additional pressure could be hard on him.

    Maybe instead of taking it all on your shoulders to make sure he's feeling supported, ask him what he needs and follow his lead? That would likely take a TON of pressure off the both of you.
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    #8
    OMG! im so the same way with my DH! Its so fustrating! I hope it gets better for you...im still going crazy here lol
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    #9
    It does sound like your entire existence is wrapped up in him and how he's feeling, and that your mood depends entirely on his. That's not healthy for you, and it is too much pressure and unfair for him.

    It's time to cultivate other things that make you happy. Do you have hobbies? Do you go out with your friends? Focus on those things. Let him be one good thing in your life, not the Only good thing, or even the biggest.

    Also, shouldn't he be supporting you as much as you are supporting him? A good relationship is a team. You don't sound like a team; you sound like a star and his support staff. When you have a bad day, you should be able to tell him about it. His happiness or his mood or his need to feel love is no more important or valid than your happiness and mood and need to feel loved.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    It does sound like your entire existence is wrapped up in him and how he's feeling, and that your mood depends entirely on his. That's not healthy for you, and it is too much pressure and unfair for him.

    It's time to cultivate other things that make you happy. Do you have hobbies? Do you go out with your friends? Focus on those things. Let him be one good thing in your life, not the Only good thing, or even the biggest.

    Also, shouldn't he be supporting you as much as you are supporting him? A good relationship is a team. You don't sound like a team; you sound like a star and his support staff. When you have a bad day, you should be able to tell him about it. His happiness or his mood or his need to feel love is no more important or valid than your happiness and mood and need to feel loved.
    Wise words (as usual ).
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