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Thread: Relationships - Are military men different?

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    Relationships - Are military men different?

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    Hi everyone. My friend recently moved to another state for her job and has been having a very difficult time meeting new people, especially meeting new guys to date. She's pretty bummed, seems to be having awful luck, and has been desperately searching for answers/advice/insight to help her find a decent relationship or at least help her understand what may be going on.

    She brought up an article she found online (lol) about men and women having different dating expectations and seem to make up their minds at different speeds. The article goes into how men have different phases they go through before they 'fall in love'. I guess it states the first phase is "Like" where it's all about physical attraction, not necessarily looking for a woman who's the whole package deal, but there's something that initially sparks his interest for whatever reason. I guess phase 2 is like a "Scouting" phase, where guys tend to 'like' a number of women at a time and more or less see who responds to their advances. 3 "The Chase" explains how men aim to win your attention and to get noticed. 4 is "Impression" which is self-explanatory - they try to impress, buy you stuff, take you out, fancy fancy, etc. It says normally by now a woman will probably start to fall in love with the guy, but the guy is actually far from that point... Phase 5 is an "I Want You to Love Me" thing, where he wants to gain your commitment and needs to see it; however, this leads to phase 6 "Decision" where now that you've expressed your feelings for him, it turns out that he wasn't being 100% himself and wasn't even focusing on whether you were right for him; it's all been sort of a game run off his initial physical attraction for you... Supposedly this is where the guy starts to wonder if an actual relationship can come of it and decides if you're long-term relationship material. 7 he finally falls "In Love".... blah blah blah

    Anyways, it goes on later to tell a few stories/situations where a guy might say things to a girl like "I miss you" "I like you so much" "I've never liked anyone like this before", etc only after a few dates and it essentially says, he doesn't really mean it. It's not that he doesn't feel something, but supposedly it's all to get a reaction out of the girl. It's like a test related from their own insecurities.... depending on the girl's reaction, they know whether or not she likes them, and once they get the fact that they are indeed liked, they can be more of themselves and proceed with the dating phases; however, this is where things can soon get weird - the more excited the girl starts to get about the relationship, the more he'll suddenly start to freak out and distance himself; the same insecurities that made him obsessed in getting you to like him, are now scaring him into thinking you're going to take his freedom... and it goes on to express the importance of space and patience. It goes on to say A LOT more, but I'm going to stop there and just get to my own personal tangent/question.

    Obviously everyone is different - there are good and bad people, there are honest people and there are liars, there's those who are extremely loyal and those who cheat. Where do you think most military men fall in relation to this article?

    It seems like with trainings/re-stationings/deployements, the fate of most [new] military relationships are decided pretty quickly. Do you think that the military forces their men to be more mature in this sense, learn to make [wiser] decisions quicker, maybe even more loyal and honest from the get-go? Or do you think they still initially play this sort of "game" on some level?

    Again, I know that every man is an individual, but I'm just bringing this up for general discussion. I really don't mean to offend anyone one or ruin the idea of anyone's relationship.


    I probably wouldn't have given any of this much thought, but I'm a bit curious now in regards to my own relationship (not that it changes anything now, but still... curious, lol). I'm in a fairly new relationship, my SO/DB deployed shortly after we began seeing each other (he's been gone for longer than we've been together-together), and before he left he got very distant, closed off, and pushed me away (which I guess is common). Once he got to his location, he was all "I miss you" "I need you" "I can't wait to see you" etc, and being that he is deployed, I totally gave in to that - reciprocated the missing him and wanting to keep things as positive and bubbly sounding... Now he'll be back home in about a month (yay!) but now he's back to being weird... moody/miserable/distant/doesn't really want to talk much, and I'm sure that is probably due to the fact that he's just mentally and physically 'done' with is tour and wants to be back already - he's tired, his schedule has not been consistent at all since he's been there, and he has a lot of responsibility in bringing things home so I know he's busy and stressed. Buuutttt, part of me is super anxious about him coming back. Deployments are hard enough, but being it is a new relationship, it certainly did take a huge toll - I'm not sure what to expect or where he'll feel we stand, and after this discussion with my friend, not that I think this is the case, but it does worry me to some extent about maybe being "played" so to speak - "what if..."

    I know it's stupid, but hey... Are boys just going to be boys, or do you think the military profession makes them "more genuine" in the things they say to their SOs and more honest on their view on relationships?- Do you think they hold relationships at a higher value?


    Again, just general discussion. No offense on any means intended. And I'd love to hear any opinions from guys too if any would care to comment.
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    I think a lot of it depends on the man's age. I mean everybody goes through some sort of cycle with their SO.. You have to have interest in somebody to begin it all, time to get to know the other person and then the stage of evaluating the relationship to see if you want to proceed or if they aren't for you. I really feel that younger men who do not have emotional maturity will tend to waffle on their feelings and are indecisive therefore "playing games." I think it's unfair to group all military men into one category, just because they are military doesn't mean they are all from the same mold. You'll have some men who are relentless cheaters and others who are the most attentive, faithful men. Some men make their decisions quickly whereas others wait more time... everybody is unique!

    It seems that most women here get nervous towards the end of deployment or have SOs who get distant at some stage. You said that your relationship is very new, how long were you together before deployment?
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    Why would being in the military make them any different? There are genuine guys in the military, there are liar mc liars in the military, just as there are civilians.

    And fwiw, I told DB after a few dates that I've never liked anyone like that before and meant it with all my heart. You can absolutely meet someone and feel something you've never felt before.
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    I think being in the military matures people on a level outside of relationships. I don't think there is a strong correlation between the two. Relationship maturity has more to do with how they were raised, where they are in their lives, and how much they like/love another person.
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    littlemissred - How long were we together? We started dating at the end of last April. The relationship has kind of been moving on the slower side, and especially with him getting deployed, he was away A LOT for trainings (he's an Osprey pilot, so he was always gone). He ended up deploying at the beginning of that August. So although we've been in a relationship for a year, haven't really been "together-together" for all THAT long... (super complicated)... I say we finally got towards the end of that beginning stage before he left, haha. So I'm sure once he comes back things are going to be a little awkward getting reacquainted :-D (oh geez...)

    Reagan - I definitely agree with you. Again, just for the sake of my friend's discussion from earlier (and the fact that I'm feeling a little stressed), the whole idea kind of sparks some curiosity.


    I really do feel that relationships aren't quiet what they used to be years ago, though - it seems like nowadays things are oddly more complicated in a way. Regardless of that I do believe every one is an individual and there's a mix of good and bad everywhere - just wondering if there was a slight pull in the military group, on a general bases. But then again knows if anyone would actually be able to tell though...


    I know from my personal relationship, half of friends/family are tainted by the negative military-pilot stereotype ("pilot's are egotistical womanizers, he's flaky, he's an ass") and the other half absolutely love and support the idea of him - "his life has structure and discipline, 'sir and ma'am' - he's polite." Others think that military people are just so quick to settle down and everything is rushed.... idk, each to their own opinion I guess... ???
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    Kirst - I really feel a lot of this has to do with overall up-bringing also - learning to have respect for others, having a good foundation, etc
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    #8
    No.. military men are not different. I also don't think being in the military, or facing a deployment or the like pushes a relationship to go faster (or slower). I don't think the decisions revolving around those things are specific military decisions. They are human emotions that would happen military or not.

    I'm confused though, what do you mean relationships aren't quite what they used to be and that they are more complicated?

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    In response to the first part of your post about the phases in which men fall in love, I'm calling shenanigans. Not on you, of course, but the person who put forth that theory. It seems to lump all men together into the "player" category and I don't find that to be true.

    As for whether military men are different, yes and no. I think men who can forge successful military careers tend to be mature, honorable, and responsible. I think there are also guys who are asses and immature, but they are more likely not to re-up. And yes this is a gross generalization and does not apply to everyone.

    Then again, the point of the article in question seems to be a gross generalization.
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