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    not understanding fiances attitude toward employment and living location

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    I don't have a lot of experience with long term relationships with guys, so please bear with me if this is confusing. I'll try not to be long winded, just want to give some background info for perspective.

    I've been platonic friends with a guy for a few years. At the time he was in the army, and married. There were problems in the marriage, and she blamed him being gone a lot. So, in order to salvage his marriage, he got out and became a reservist almost 2 yrs ago. It didn't help though, because she asked for a divorce.

    In Dec '12 he got divorced, and in April '13 we started casually dating, The romance blossomed about a month later, and I moved in with him the last week of Dec '13. At Christmastime at his parents house I was in the kitchen helping his mother, and she mentioned something about how my fiance was considering going back to the army, (he's currently a reservist) and how dangerous that was, going on and on about soldiers getting killed or wounded, and even describing what kinds of injuries. I knew before we started dating he had said something about possibly doing that, but he never mentioned it since we started dating. She asked me if that was something I wanted, and I said no, but what can I do about it? She basically said I should tell him he shouldn't do it. I asked her what good that would do? and she said that he loves me, and would listen to me if I was firm about it, and let him believe I might break up with him over it. I thought she was a little ridiculous, and just told her that he hadn't mentioned it to me, didn't say to her I'd do it or not. When I went to tell him dinner was ready, I overheard his father talking to him about going back to the regular army His father was giving him some grief about it, telling him it was a big mistake getting out over a woman, and how he was letting some other woman keep him from trying to go back in. The men in my fiances family has a long line of military experience, including his father. My fiance set him straight, telling him I had nothing to do with it.

    Anyway, it wasn't long after that he brought up the subject with me. Although I have the same concerns his mother does, I certainly wasn't going to break up with him over it. So I told him that although I wasn't crazy about the idea, I'd support whatever he wanted to do. If it involved moving, I'd move. If it involved waiting for him if he got deployed, well, I already knew he was a reservist when we started dating, and his unit could be activated anyway. He also asked me about marriage, which we'd discussed before as a someday thing, but agreed we'd make it offical. He didn't get down on one knee and ask me, and I'm glad he didn't, because I've never been crazy about the idea of getting married, ever, and he knows it. He's the only guy I've even considered getting married to. When we went over to his parents and told them, his father had nothing but congradulations for the engagement and him talking to a recruiter. His mother however gave me a hateful look, and voiced her objection to us getting married, particulary if he was going back in. She brought up how he made a mistake marrying his first wife, and said things like I'd be all alone in a strange town, that was too much temptation for a new bride, and not a good way to start a relationship. His father said, "but we got married before I went in," and she just said, "We're not talking about me, we're talking about her." I was so angry at the implication, but my fiance basically ended the converstation, and we left.

    When I asked him if he knew where he'd be going if he went back in, he mentioned several possibilites, based on his MOS and qualifications. One of those possibilites was a fort near an aunt and uncle of mine. I posted a question about how far you can live from a base, and someone told me that he couldn't get back in, because they were only taking in special forces, and he's not. I wasn't planning on doing anything anyway, because he had already told me that it might not happen, and if it did might take a long time, I was just getting information. So I asked him about it, not being special forces. He just shrugged and said the recruiter didn't say it was impossible. He admitted it was a long shot, which he reminded me that he said that even before he talked to a recruiter. I asked him if the recruiter could've been lying to him, and he shrugged again and said probably. There's a conditional release form in process, to get released from his unit, but that only means if the army wants him back, they can do it, it doesn't mean they will at the time they get the form back. What the army wants or doesn't want can change over time anyway, even if the recruiter wasn't lying to him. He knows the army is reducing and reorganizing some of their units, but said some of that might be a positive for him, based on his training and qualifications.

    I asked him what would he do if he was told no, and he just shrugged and casually said, either what I'm doing now, or take contract jobs on the east or west coast. He said it'd be better money than what he was making in his civilian job here. He also said he could also work for whatever Blackwater changed their name to, whatever that means. He said that although it probably won't happen, he at least wanted me to know it was a remote possibility, in case it did happen. It seems like he knows he's not going to get back in and doesn't seem to care that much. That's when I told him about what his Mom asked me to do, and he just said he was sorry that his Mom and Dad are doing, and that he'd have a talk with his mother.

    Even though it appears that he probably isn't going back full time, I still feel like ever since we have moved in together, he seems to be trying to do things to leave this area, and maybe me too. He's said that he'd like me to come with him but if I wanted to stay he'd understand. It's like where he works or who he works for isn't that important to him as it is me. He also seems more distant, and said if I wanted to put a hold on the engagement he'd understand that too. I know our relationship has been cooler physically ever since New Years, some of that my fault I guess. I just don't know what to make of his change in attitude.
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    #2
    I'm not really sure what you're looking for in this thread, but Blackwater is now Academi, their headquarters are just across the NC/VA line.

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    #3
    So the change you're seeing is that he seems more distant and is making plans that may take him far away?

    He might be preparing himself for the chance you won't go with him. You say you would, but you also say that where you work and who you work for is important.

    When I first started dating DH, we got to this crossroads where he was having to decide if he was going to stay in Korea or go back to America. I was staying in Korea no matter what for work ... and I wanted to tell him to stay with me, but I was afraid to because I knew he missed America and I felt it wasn't my place to ask him to stay. So I pretty much said the same thing, that it would make me happy if he would stay but I would understand if he wanted to leave. It's a weird feeling, because I WANTED him to stay so bad, but I didn't want him to know that, because I wanted it to be his decision only. There's a movie where someone says "Sometimes we don't do things we want to do so that others won't know we want to do them."

    You guys have a lot of changes coming up so he could be scared and unsure, and holding back some feelings.
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    Quote Originally Posted by HazeGray View Post
    I'm not really sure what you're looking for in this thread, but Blackwater is now Academi, their headquarters are just across the NC/VA line.
    It's more of a relationship question than about the army, as it's unlikely anything will change with that anyway. I don't think he really cares about the companies name anyway, it doesn't sound like it's his first choice. He's multi lingual, so maybe that'll help him if he decides he does want a foreign contract. He could make more money that way I suppose, but I don't get the feeling that money is his main motivation. But what do I know anymore. It used to be so easy for us to talk about things, and now it's like he only talks to me if I'm talking to him, and then not that much.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post
    So the change you're seeing is that he seems more distant and is making plans that may take him far away? .
    Yes, exactly. He's said that it'd be okay if I went with him, or if I stayed here, doesn't seem to matter much to him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post
    He might be preparing himself for the chance you won't go with him. You say you would, but you also say that where you work and who you work for is important. .
    It's hard to say though about going with him when I don't know when or where he'll be going. The field of work I work in I could find work in just about any medium or major city in the United States. If he went to some backwater area I suppose I could find work outside my field. I've done waittressing work before, but not looking forward to doing it again. Work for me is as much to be doing something productive as it is about money. I suppose if I had kids my attitude toward staying employed might be different, but getting married and having kids was never on my lifes to do list in the past. I love him, and I guess I would be willing to make changes, IF I knew what those changes even were, but I don't get the feeling he even cares about whether I do or don't anymore.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post
    When I first started dating DH, we got to this crossroads where he was having to decide if he was going to stay in Korea or go back to America. I was staying in Korea no matter what for work ... and I wanted to tell him to stay with me, but I was afraid to because I knew he missed America and I felt it wasn't my place to ask him to stay. So I pretty much said the same thing, that it would make me happy if he would stay but I would understand if he wanted to leave. It's a weird feeling, because I WANTED him to stay so bad, but I didn't want him to know that, because I wanted it to be his decision only. There's a movie where someone says "Sometimes we don't do things we want to do so that others won't know we want to do them."

    You guys have a lot of changes coming up so he could be scared and unsure, and holding back some feelings.
    He's had multiple combat tours in both Iraq and Afganistan, so I'm not sure why he'd be scared of anything, unless he thinks I'm going to cheat on him and bankrupt him, like his first wife almost did. I'm sure he's holding back something, but he won't tell me what it is, and I don't know what to do to get him to open up to me about it. It never was this way before, talking to him, about anything.
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    So are you actually engaged? It sounds like you are.

    In that case, I'd be extremely pissed and concerned about the way he's handling all this. You are going to be married, which means you are a team and all decisions that hugely affect both of you are now team decisions. Yet is seems like he's dictating what will happen and telling you you can either fall in line, or not. But you have no say in what he does. That's bullshit. That's perfectly acceptable (and even smart) behavior for a single guy. But he's not single anymore.

    I'd sit down and tell him that while you support him and are open to discussing all these potential plans he's thrown you, you need him to include you in the discussions and that you need to have a say in matters that affect your life. I'm sorry his Ex couldn't handle the distance, but you are not her. And if he keeps punishing you for her shortcomings, this relationship is doomed. Let him know you support him and want him to be happy, but that now that you are engaged are are a unit, rather than two individuals, you need to be included in the decision making and these things need to be discussed and decided together. And tell him that his, "I don't care if you come or not" attitude is hurtful to you and makes you feel unsure about your place in his life and his priorities. If his priorities are getting the job he wants and moving where he wants, then he's not ready to be married. If his priority is you, and secondary to that he hopes to find a way to make these exciting prospects work in the life the two of you are going to have together, then that's something you can work with.
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    #7
    It sounds like he is at a crossroads. Sounds like he never really wanted to leave the Army and is possibly regretting making that decision.
    What he is experiencing is fairly common. Some who get out have a hard time transitioning, even years later. Its especially harder on those who wanted nothing to be in the military and were 'forced' out for whatever reason (for a loved one, by the military, etc).

    You are not giving him solid answers. You sound like you want to stay home, and he sounds like he wants to get away. You aren't giving him any real guarantee that you WANT to go. So, he is at another crossroads. Does he stay to satisfy you and again sacrifice a career, or does he move on and hope you follow. He already suffered his career for one woman, and I can see if/why he wouldn't want to do it again.

    You say you support him but you aren't really giving him any solid yes/no answers, more like a 'Okay, whatever.. i'll support whatever you decide'.. but that decision should be made together, if you truly want to be with him.

    YOU need to decide what is more important. Your job and your life where you currently live, or being with him whereever he decides to be. If its the latter, then you need to sit down with him and develop a plan. He needs a job, and he wants to leave. So, tell him that he needs to get a job and get hired, and you will continue with your current job so you have income, and when he gets his job situated, you will quit and move. Obviously it makes no sense to quit a job and have no income just to follow him. but if you have a plan that you will follow as soon as he has a job, then that is better than 'just do whatever'.

    It sounds like he knows what he wants to do with his life, but he can't decide if he should forgo it for you or continue. Again, because you don't seem to have given him a clear answer as to what YOU want to do. Its not fair to make him, again, pick a wife/woman over a career.

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    To me, it sounds like this has a lot to do with your relationship.....

    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    So are you actually engaged? It sounds like you are.

    In that case, I'd be extremely pissed and concerned about the way he's handling all this. You are going to be married, which means you are a team and all decisions that hugely affect both of you are now team decisions. Yet is seems like he's dictating what will happen and telling you you can either fall in line, or not. But you have no say in what he does. That's bullshit. That's perfectly acceptable (and even smart) behavior for a single guy. But he's not single anymore.

    I'd sit down and tell him that while you support him and are open to discussing all these potential plans he's thrown you, you need him to include you in the discussions and that you need to have a say in matters that affect your life. I'm sorry his Ex couldn't handle the distance, but you are not her. And if he keeps punishing you for her shortcomings, this relationship is doomed. Let him know you support him and want him to be happy, but that now that you are engaged are are a unit, rather than two individuals, you need to be included in the decision making and these things need to be discussed and decided together. And tell him that his, "I don't care if you come or not" attitude is hurtful to you and makes you feel unsure about your place in his life and his priorities. If his priorities are getting the job he wants and moving where he wants, then he's not ready to be married. If his priority is you, and secondary to that he hopes to find a way to make these exciting prospects work in the life the two of you are going to have together, then that's something you can work with.
    If you became engaged to the man, with an apparent commitment to support him and move where he needed to move (I understood that in the OP somewhere), why is it contingent upon what job it is? Are you in it for the career choice he makes or for being in love with the man he is? I'm confused on that part.
    It goes both ways. It doesn't sound like he is taking your needs into consideration as much as you don't feel his are substantial and meaningful enough. I think it'd be best if you two sat down and discussed your true priorities and see what your relationship is really based on and whether or not it's moving forward.

    Quote Originally Posted by TrishAFSpouse View Post
    It sounds like he is at a crossroads. Sounds like he never really wanted to leave the Army and is possibly regretting making that decision.
    What he is experiencing is fairly common. Some who get out have a hard time transitioning, even years later. Its especially harder on those who wanted nothing to be in the military and were 'forced' out for whatever reason (for a loved one, by the military, etc).

    You are not giving him solid answers. You sound like you want to stay home, and he sounds like he wants to get away. You aren't giving him any real guarantee that you WANT to go. So, he is at another crossroads. Does he stay to satisfy you and again sacrifice a career, or does he move on and hope you follow. He already suffered his career for one woman, and I can see if/why he wouldn't want to do it again.

    You say you support him but you aren't really giving him any solid yes/no answers, more like a 'Okay, whatever.. i'll support whatever you decide'.. but that decision should be made together, if you truly want to be with him.

    YOU need to decide what is more important. Your job and your life where you currently live, or being with him whereever he decides to be. If its the latter, then you need to sit down with him and develop a plan. He needs a job, and he wants to leave. So, tell him that he needs to get a job and get hired, and you will continue with your current job so you have income, and when he gets his job situated, you will quit and move. Obviously it makes no sense to quit a job and have no income just to follow him. but if you have a plan that you will follow as soon as he has a job, then that is better than 'just do whatever'.

    It sounds like he knows what he wants to do with his life, but he can't decide if he should forgo it for you or continue. Again, because you don't seem to have given him a clear answer as to what YOU want to do. Its not fair to make him, again, pick a wife/woman over a career.
    I agree with the above. His life isn't as stable as yours is career-wise, and he has to explore his options. He should include you in making these decisions and discussing different options, but he may not be if he senses that you're not 100% open to the options. If you're committed, act it, show it, live it.

    Hope things work out for you!
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    If you became engaged to the man, with an apparent commitment to support him and move where he needed to move (I understood that in the OP somewhere), why is it contingent upon what job it is? Are you in it for the career choice he makes or for being in love with the man he is? I'm confused on that part.

    We discussed getting married sometime this year, but didn't set a date, nor do I have a ring yet.
    We both told his parents, and his mother is opposed to use getting married anytime soon, if he went back in the army. This is the same woman who at Christmas asked me when we were getting married, and thought it would be a great idea. Meanwhile his father at Christmas sounded like he didn't even want us dating, is thrilled with idea now.
    The problem I had with his career choice of the army initially, besides the danger of a possible deployment, (yes I know he can get deployed as a reservist also) was being put in the middle with his parents. I'm sorry I ever met them. There was also the confusion about if he went back in where he'd be stationed.

    It goes both ways. It doesn't sound like he is taking your needs into consideration as much as you don't feel his are substantial and meaningful enough. I think it'd be best if you two sat down and discussed your true priorities and see what your relationship is really based on and whether or not it's moving forward.

    That's exactly what I've been thinking, about consideration. I tried to sit down and discusss this with him the other night, which is what lead to this question.

    You are not giving him solid answers. You sound like you want to stay home, and he sounds like he wants to get away. You aren't giving him any real guarantee that you WANT to go. So, he is at another crossroads. Does he stay to satisfy you and again sacrifice a career, or does he move on and hope you follow. He already suffered his career for one woman, and I can see if/why he wouldn't want to do it again.

    You say you support him but you aren't really giving him any solid yes/no answers, more like a 'Okay, whatever.. i'll support whatever you decide'.. but that decision should be made together, if you truly want to be with him.


    No, he specifically asked me if he tried to go back in if I'd be okay with that, even if it meant moving and changing jobs, and I said "yes." Not okay, whatever, but "yes." Now he's mentioning something else, something that if he'd said he wanted a civilian job in the Gulf, I would've known where I'd be living, what I'd be doing, and wouldn't have gotten any grief from his parents.

    YOU need to decide what is more important. Your job and your life where you currently live, or being with him whereever he decides to be. If its the latter, then you need to sit down with him and develop a plan. He needs a job, and he wants to leave. So, tell him that he needs to get a job and get hired, and you will continue with your current job so you have income, and when he gets his job situated, you will quit and move. Obviously it makes no sense to quit a job and have no income just to follow him. but if you have a plan that you will follow as soon as he has a job, then that is better than 'just do whatever'.

    He has a job now, but he's looking for more air time and more money, at least more money if he takes one of the East/West coast civilian jobs. I'm fine with that. I would've been fine with it before, if he'd have told me before. His father however, would not have been fine with it, and would've continued to blame me.

    It sounds like he knows what he wants to do with his life, but he can't decide if he should forgo it for you or continue. Again, because you don't seem to have given him a clear answer as to what YOU want to do. Its not fair to make him, again, pick a wife/woman over a career. .

    That sounds exactly like what his father said at Christmastime.
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    Quote Originally Posted by villanelle View Post
    So are you actually engaged? It sounds like you are.

    In that case, I'd be extremely pissed and concerned about the way he's handling all this. You are going to be married, which means you are a team and all decisions that hugely affect both of you are now team decisions. Yet is seems like he's dictating what will happen and telling you you can either fall in line, or not. But you have no say in what he does. That's bullshit. That's perfectly acceptable (and even smart) behavior for a single guy. But he's not single anymore.

    I'd sit down and tell him that while you support him and are open to discussing all these potential plans he's thrown you, you need him to include you in the discussions and that you need to have a say in matters that affect your life. I'm sorry his Ex couldn't handle the distance, but you are not her. And if he keeps punishing you for her shortcomings, this relationship is doomed. Let him know you support him and want him to be happy, but that now that you are engaged are are a unit, rather than two individuals, you need to be included in the decision making and these things need to be discussed and decided together. And tell him that his, "I don't care if you come or not" attitude is hurtful to you and makes you feel unsure about your place in his life and his priorities. If his priorities are getting the job he wants and moving where he wants, then he's not ready to be married. If his priority is you, and secondary to that he hopes to find a way to make these exciting prospects work in the life the two of you are going to have together, then that's something you can work with.
    Yes, this is exactly how I feel, more concerned than pissed so far, but yes. He didn't exactly dictate to me and tell me I have no say, but I don't feel like he's really considering my feelings in this, considering our relationship and him asking me about marriage, if he's even serious about that. I do love him and I do understand he needs to do certain things in his career, and am trying to be supportive. The problem with his ex was never the deployment, she just needed to blame him for their money troubles. He was just a source of money to her, and a father figure for her kids. She actually wanted him deployed, so she could cheat on him easier. But you're right, I'm not her. I'm going to try to talk to him again about it.
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