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Thread: Different moods, different company

  1. Lex Justo BAMF Patriot Guard Rider!
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    #1

    Different moods, different company

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    Has anyone noticed thier SO acting differently after hanging out with different people? E goes out pretty frequently with a guy and his wife and afterwards (or even during) is sending me cute lovey dovey text messages or pictures of all of them and when he calls me when he gets home, he's all sweet and cute. But I've noticed recently that when he goes out with another friend of his and occasionally the guy and his fiance, he seems angry or very irritable afterwards. Its not always a huge mood overhaul, but he's at least crabby. Like he's more ready to pick an argument with me when he gets home. I can usually tell who he's hanging out with this way when he calls before I even ask.

    I don't know if its just an observation of mine or something I should feel out and mention... I don't know. Its weird. Any input or experience?
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    #2
    Ugh yes. When other people are around, DH really puts on the effort to be sociable and outgoing and positive. When it's just the two of us, he doesn't even try. I know the last deployment took a toll on him, but it's hard cuz I'm the only one who sees it, everyone else sees the happy outgoing side that comes out when he puts forth the effort with other people. It can get frustrating!
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    #3
    Nope. DF's mood is not contingent upon who he hangs out with.

  4. 1/2 hippie, 1/2 diva... all Jersey
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    #4
    I think that some people are more sensitive to the moods of those around them than others. I know if I'm around someone who is very anxious, I can start to feel way too and then I'm like, "Okay, wait a sec... that's not mine." and I adjust.

    The other thing is that some people bring out different aspects of you-- I talk guns and sports with some of my friends and counseling/psych topics with others. I don't go home and treat DH any differently tho.

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    #5
    Ehh, not particularly. I agree with sweetvanity - different company brings different conversation. But that's about it
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    #6
    I have observed this happening before---not with Dh but with some other people I have known. When the husband hung out with people who did not have a good relationship with each other he behaved differently with his wife than if he was around couples who were kind and loving toward each other. Problem was he really didn't see that he was behaving differently. Eventually through conversations he finally realized that he was being affected but it took a while for him to realize what was going on.

    I hope you can talk with him calmly and talk about your observations and ask him if he would be willing to try to observe his own behaviors and feelings after being with his friends. Explain that sometimes when he goes out from your observations, he comes home and is very loving. Other times when he comes home he seems tense, angry and irritable and that your not sure why that might be.

    Sometimes just gently mentioning an observation makes them stop and realize what is happening. He may or may not ask you to clue him in when he has bad behavior. I don't know your Dh so you will need to decide if telling him who seems to affect him or just talk to him about the changes you have noticed.
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    #7
    I should clarify, its not that he's treating me badly, I can just tell that he seems tenser than normal. Its like talking to your SO when they are in "work mode" rather than "at home" mode, they act differently kind of a thing. I noticed it again last night, he went out with some friends and texted me while he was out with them that he loved me and shared a funny picture, then when he called me when he got home, he was very affectionate and lovey dovey and just HAPPY. He's supposed to go out with this friend that I've noticed he gets really negative after hanging out with on Tuesday so maybe I'll see how that goes and then formulate a plan on whether I'm going to talk to him or not or what.
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    #8
    I've seen this before. For DH, I can tell who he has been hanging out with based on his language. When he's out "with the boys", there's always a lot of cussing (not that we don't cuss, we both do, a lot, but it's more after being with certain people). He always ends up saying something, catching himself and then going, "Geez, sorry for my language, honey."

    Also, I definitely think that certain people have an affect on you. If you are with people who are negative and constantly unhappy/pissed off, it's easy to get sucked into that. On the slip side, happy/positive people can have a positive affect.

    If it was DH and I noticed it, I'd say something. No harm in that.
  9. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #9
    I have noticed that sometimes DH does have different moods with some of our friends, but it is not a change in personality per se, he has noticed it and told me that a few of the guys in the one group anger him and put him on edge with their choices. When he comes home from hanging out with them, he is short, edgy, and in a bad mood. They don't change his personality, just anger him, and he has to take the time to calm down. He notices it as well, so he is spending less time with this group of friends and more time with the friends who don't bother him so much. That is the only thing I can compare it to.

    Oh (another thought along those lines), and another group of friends we hang out with are more 'experienced' in their marriages and, according to DH, they challenge him to be a better husband and man, so after we have hung out with them, he is more attentive and sweet. He notices this as well, and he was the one who pointed out to me that when he is with those friends, they put the conscious thought in his head that he wants to be a more attentive husband like some of those men.

    Could your DB be in a situation like that? Perhaps he realizes it already, but he just hasn't verbalized it to you?

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    #10
    I think it might be worth talking to him about it, but just be careful how you do. It is quite possible that he is aware of it, but also quite possible that he needs different kinds of experiences with different kinds of people.

    I say this because my DH has a friend with which he deployed. They went through hell and back together, and DH was there on deployment when his friend was blown out of his vehicle. His friend broke almost every bone on one side of his body, and my DH was there for most of his recovery. The guy was told that he would never walk unassisted again, but with help and encouragement of my DH, he has made a miraculous recovery and is now a police officer. DH and his friend developed a brotherhood through this experience, which is easy to understand.

    The kicker is that this friend is a very crass, offensive person who treats his girlfriend like crap. I do not enjoy being around him. He ignores my presence, and most of his conversations are centered around making fun of people who are gay, overweight, of particular cultural origin, or female. DH is not like this at all, but when he is around this friend, he laughs at his every joke and just has a great time with him. He also starts to ignore my presence. If his friend just happens to say something to me, it is usually very offensive, and this is the one time that DH doesn't have my back. It irks me SO much!

    When they go out together and I am not there, he will blow things off that he said he would do, such as meet me for dinner, or clean the litter box. DH never acts like this around anyone else, and he would always defend me against anybody else who was offensive to me.

    All this said, I chose to bring this up to DH. Unfortunately, I approached it from a perspective of anger, and I was insensitive to the fact that these two guys have a past bond that makes DH see past the crass-ness and see his friend for the loyal person that he is. DH is just happy that his friend is alive and doing well. It took a lot of arguing between us before we could find common ground on the issue, but I am also glad I brought it up. Otherwise, it would have turned into built up resentment over the years as I continue to try to put up with this idiot.

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