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Thread: getting to the end?

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    #1

    getting to the end?

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    So I am not a person to wave my dirty laundry out but I really have no one to turn to. No family or friends.

    My husband just finished a very tough year of school in June. I went to therapy while he was going to school. My life has gotten worse than any other previous duty station. I would never wish this upon anyone I didn't care for. I have been dealing with alot of issues of my own which is why I went to therapy in the first place and I thought things were getting better but now that we have changed commands it is not going any better...its getting worse.

    I read the love language book years ago and all but i swear he could care less. He likes showing his love in the way he thinks is the right way...of money or buying things for me. Well that is not what I need, especially these days. I feel like a broken record when it comes to saying what I need. Its like he hears me for 10 min but forgets and than bitches that he has no clue what I am talking about. I can't keep thinking he will change or he will try anymore. Its just frustrating and I am getting to the point that I don't want to hold on anymore because I do everything for him (which I know is not a good thing in the first place) but when you have no life in the first place all you have to look forward is life with the husband things get bad.

    We always agreed that we would go our ways before it gets ugly. There is much more on my side of things that just don't know where to go from here. We have no kids and are "trying" all of maybe having sex of 5 times a month. That is really going to get us a baby. I am not exactly sexually attracted to him anymore. He is my best friend to me and I love spending time with him, but I feel like that we are never supposed to be anything more than this at this point. I just don't know what to do anymore.
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Fisheswife View Post
    So I am not a person to wave my dirty laundry out but I really have no one to turn to. No family or friends.

    My husband just finished a very tough year of school in June. I went to therapy while he was going to school. My life has gotten worse than any other previous duty station. I would never wish this upon anyone I didn't care for. I have been dealing with alot of issues of my own which is why I went to therapy in the first place and I thought things were getting better but now that we have changed commands it is not going any better...its getting worse.

    I read the love language book years ago and all but i swear he could care less. He likes showing his love in the way he thinks is the right way...of money or buying things for me. Well that is not what I need, especially these days. I feel like a broken record when it comes to saying what I need. Its like he hears me for 10 min but forgets and than bitches that he has no clue what I am talking about. I can't keep thinking he will change or he will try anymore. Its just frustrating and I am getting to the point that I don't want to hold on anymore because I do everything for him (which I know is not a good thing in the first place) but when you have no life in the first place all you have to look forward is life with the husband things get bad.

    We always agreed that we would go our ways before it gets ugly. There is much more on my side of things that just don't know where to go from here. We have no kids and are "trying" all of maybe having sex of 5 times a month. That is really going to get us a baby. I am not exactly sexually attracted to him anymore. He is my best friend to me and I love spending time with him, but I feel like that we are never supposed to be anything more than this at this point. I just don't know what to do anymore.

    I see you have had personal counseling/therapy - but what about couples/marital counseling?
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    Quote Originally Posted by ZivaD View Post

    I see you have had personal counseling/therapy - but what about couples/marital counseling?
    I asked and asked and asked and won't get anywhere. I just honestly feel why should I keep trying and keep him happy if at the end of the day he really thinks his way and the way he see's thing is right.
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    #4
    Reading this post makes me really sad, you sound so miserable. I agree you can't keep doing this to yourself.

    Does he know you're at the point where you think it's time to cut things off before it gets ugly? Maybe he's complacent and kind of stuck in a rut. At this point when my marriage was ending was when I started doing some soul-searching and asking myself what I needed to do in order to feel I had done everything I could to save the marriage. That did end up being marital counseling although I kind of knew we couldn't put the pieces back together. But having that talk with him too and just being totally up front and pulling no punches (like don't be cruel, but don't waffle around either) might help you make a decision.

    My PM box is always open if you need to talk.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post
    Reading this post makes me really sad, you sound so miserable. I agree you can't keep doing this to yourself.

    Does he know you're at the point where you think it's time to cut things off before it gets ugly? Maybe he's complacent and kind of stuck in a rut. At this point when my marriage was ending was when I started doing some soul-searching and asking myself what I needed to do in order to feel I had done everything I could to save the marriage. That did end up being marital counseling although I kind of knew we couldn't put the pieces back together. But having that talk with him too and just being totally up front and pulling no punches (like don't be cruel, but don't waffle around either) might help you make a decision.

    My PM box is always open if you need to talk.
    I think he is just fine with the way things are. But can't see i am hurting. I told him several times how much he hurt me today and after leaving the house for a while he asked if i was any better and I said no. Granted he was studying for his new school he working on....but like he just finds way's to attack me ( well not attack but just comes up with comments that really shouldn't bother me but they do) I ended up leaving the room right as we sat down for dinner since he said that I bought a box of wine on the 5th of Nov and it is almost out now. Well sorry that on the weekend I like to relax a little more and have more than one glass....plus he is trying a new diet thing and i don't need to do the same shit he is doing. I mean i told him over and over today was a bad day and he just couldn't get it through his thick skull. We jsut had a blow up over the dishes that I normally do the following day since I have nothing else going on in my life but to sit at home and stare at a wall and clean what needs to be cleaned. I don't even want to sleep in the same bed with him. It hurts to much to feel the love i feel for him but not to give me what i need in return. he thinks his way is the only way. I know he will think I am just being stupid and all and maybe I am but i am so tired of repeating myself over and over and over and getting no where.

    Its bad enough that my life in general is unhappy cause I have no friends where I live and no job because i live in the middle of no where but to add a marriage that is not exactly what it used to be and not willing to work either what is the point anymore. Maybe I am just being silly...maybe I am just taking my life issues into my marriage but to me you have to have a balance of the two. I don't know.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post
    Reading this post makes me really sad, you sound so miserable. I agree you can't keep doing this to yourself.

    Does he know you're at the point where you think it's time to cut things off before it gets ugly? Maybe he's complacent and kind of stuck in a rut. At this point when my marriage was ending was when I started doing some soul-searching and asking myself what I needed to do in order to feel I had done everything I could to save the marriage. That did end up being marital counseling although I kind of knew we couldn't put the pieces back together. But having that talk with him too and just being totally up front and pulling no punches (like don't be cruel, but don't waffle around either) might help you make a decision.

    My PM box is always open if you need to talk.
    I agree with this. Tell him you aren't happy, and (one more time) exactly what you need to be happy. Tell him you would like to talk to someone together about it. If he refuses or says he can't give you what you want, then you have your answer. I also believe in setting a realistic timeline. Like, if you are working on things, but don't feel differently in 6 months (for example), then know it's time to leave.

    I also think I would personally put TTC on hold. Bringing a baby into this will just make things waaaay more complicated, regardless of whether or not you stay together. If you think having a baby will make you happy/feel fulfilled, well, it may not be that simple. I'd personally rather be in a good place mentally and emotionally before throwing a baby into the mix.
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    #7
    I'd like to add that a lot of what you said really resonates with me. I know very much how it feels to "live" for someone else, for lack of a better word. I moved with ex-DH to the middle of nowhere for his career. There was no one around that was my age, and I felt like I just sat at home with nothing to do. I know how hard it is to fight that inertia of just.... doing nothing, because there is nothing to do.

    I will also say that if you're feeling this way, it's likely that not all your unhappiness is with your marriage. I'm sure it's part, and potentially a big part--but if you're not happy with your own life, in general, it's really really hard to be happy with someone else. In addition to working on your marriage, really sit down and think about what makes YOU as an INDIVIDUAL happy. What are your hopes, dreams, aspirations? Do you want to go back to school, pick up a new hobby, become a makeup artist, etc? Can you pick up an exercise routine, start a club, read the books you always meant to read, etc? I know living in the middle of nowhere makes things really tough, but if it means you need to commute out of the house a few days a week to meet people/socialize/have a life, than so be it. It's important, if not the MOST important, that you have an identity outside your marriage--once that falls into place, it'll be easier to work to repair your marriage, if that's what you want.

    I want to emphasize that I realize how hard it can be. For me, it didn't get better until I went back to school and was finally "busy" again. In the end, our marriage still wasn't meant to be, but at least I had an identity of my own and didn't feel like my whole life was gone in the blink of an eye when our marriage ended.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by JaneSays View Post
    I agree with this. Tell him you aren't happy, and (one more time) exactly what you need to be happy. Tell him you would like to talk to someone together about it. If he refuses or says he can't give you what you want, then you have your answer. I also believe in setting a realistic timeline. Like, if you are working on things, but don't feel differently in 6 months (for example), then know it's time to leave.

    I also think I would personally put TTC on hold. Bringing a baby into this will just make things waaaay more complicated, regardless of whether or not you stay together. If you think having a baby will make you happy/feel fulfilled, well, it may not be that simple. I'd personally rather be in a good place mentally and emotionally before throwing a baby into the mix.
    x 1000

    This was literally the post that was in my head... especially about the TTC part. Babies (generally) don't make things better or easier. I mean, in my counseling classes we learn that when a baby enters the picture, marital satisfaction (the husband/wife part) actually suffers much of the time and overall marital satisfaction decreases.

    OP, your post sounds a lot like something I could've written back in 2008/2009. Nothing is "wrong" persay-- from the outside things look like they are working well. But I was still so horribly miserable.

    I got out. I tried for a year with counseling etc... (my exhusband wouldn't go to counseling b/c he thought everything was fine) and eventually, I had to get out. I'm not trying to convince you about what you should do, but for me it was the best decision I made. I know am married to someone who is so beyond perfect for me. It kills me to think if I hadn't had the guts to leave, that I would've missed out on the life I have now.

    You deserve to be happy. You deserved to be loved in a manner that meets your love needs.

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    #9
    I can say that some of your words have been comfort and that I am not the only one who feels the way I do.

    Today was a rough start...started with a fight and than I just started texting him while he was at work. Good thing he mainly works a desk right now. He agree'd to a lot of what I had to say. What makes me feel bad now is that it makes me feel better that I can hope he finally heard me but I feel like it will just happen again in a few weeks like this last one. I don't want to get my hopes up anymore. He said something today that was about to put my hopes up but I also felt bad that I shouldn't because what happens again if he just fails on his promise. I feel bad giving him a not cold shoulder but a "tougher" shoulder if that makes sense but I am afraid that come tomorrow he will go back his own ways and what is it worth for me to allow myself to feel the comfort and all when he will turn around and do it again even if not on purpose.

    But thank you ladies for the kind words and support.
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    #10
    I would absolutely and 100% put kids on hold right now. The last thing you want is to bring a kid into an already complicated and messy situation. And if you are starting to think your marriage might not work, then you really don't want to have a pregnancy looming over you.

    I hope that this is the time that he comes through for you. Personally, I would be insisting on couples counseling. If nothing is truly different, then there's little reason to think that this time the change will be lasting when every other time it wasn't. A therapist can help him see what you need (and help you see where he's coming from) and can keep you on track while you develop new habits and patterns.

    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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