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Thread: How to handle conflict with limited amount of time?

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    How to handle conflict with limited amount of time?

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    Hi my name is Adam and I use to be in the Air Force but am now dating a girl in the Army. So I am familiar with the life but not from this side of the fence. I didn't get much chance to date when I was in the service so I didn't learn much about making things work.

    The girl I am dating went on a TDY without letting me know and it was a TDY that she wouldn't be able to call me. It was last minute but she could have let me know. She already apologized for it during a break in training and we still haven't gotten to talk about it as she is still gone. And she only got in touch with me because I sent her text telling her how worried I was when I hadn't heard from her in over a week. She also has a lot of trust issues from broken relationships in the past which is further complicating things. But I think that her not keeping me in the loop has something to do with that.

    So my real question is how do you handle conflict when you don't get much time together to begin with? I don't want to stress her out any more than she already is. I know relationships already stress her out way more than normal. I want the time we do get together to be positive. But I still have expectations that aren't being met.

    I don't know if this is the right place for a question like this but I am really lacking any insight at all. I do really appreciate any advice given.

    Adam
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    My dh and I were pretty honest about our expectations of each other and communication regarding our whereabouts. Itd be weird for either of us to be gone a few hours without giving the other a heads upabout where we are, and its been that way since we started dating. We had a few things to work out along the way and sometimes that had to wait until he got home but overall, we had guidelines out of respect for each other. I honestly couldnt fathom him leaving for a tdy without calling, leaving a message, texting, emailing, something to let me know. Have you talked about that during calm, not stressful times?

    I think being positive when she is stressed is a great plan, but your needs are important too. I have found life goes a lot smoother for us when we have plans and expectations in place before things get difficult. Then we can both just do our best to be supportive and positive. When my dh cant call due to work, I know he wants to, has the best intentions, and just literally cant, but that he will as soon as possible. Knowing all of that prevents me from being upset or questioning him when we do get to talk.
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    #3
    first if she has apologized for the act then you need to let it go. the more you hold on to small issues like that the worse she will get.

    she needs to trust the little things before you can expect her to trust the bigger things.

    she needs to trust that her apology was accepted and that you forgive her for not telling you.

    for many people trust is earned and not a right. And it takes learning that the person is trust worthy.

    if another issue comes up ( which it will) then you need to hash it out right away. if at all possible on the phone or via Skype or in person especially in a new relationship, way too much can go wrong in a text or email.
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    Thanks for the advice. My first instinct would be to lay into her for it. But I won't do that. I sent her an email telling her it was OK and some words of encouragement because I know it is stressful for her. Even though she might not get the email for awhile I thought it would be nice to have something in there for her.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by otherside84 View Post
    Thanks for the advice. My first instinct would be to lay into her for it. But I won't do that. I sent her an email telling her it was OK and some words of encouragement because I know it is stressful for her. Even though she might not get the email for awhile I thought it would be nice to have something in there for her.
    I think that, along with this, it would be ok for you to make your expectations known. Nothing harsh, but in a kind way. Something like, "I was so worried when I didn't hear from you for a week. I know you'll have situations like this in the future. Can we agree that when either of us will have an extended period without the ability to contact the other, that we let each other know beforehand?" I agree that laying into her when she already has trust issues and such would not go over well, but I don't think telling her it's fine and don't worry about it is the right course either. Instead, offering a solution that meets your needs going forward seems to be a good idea. That way, instead of focusing on the fact that she upset you, she can focus on how to make it better so that it's a non-issue in the future.

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