Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 16

Thread: Round and round we go

  1. Regular Member
    loveof3angels's Avatar
    loveof3angels is offline
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    Germany
    Posts
    161
    Blog Entries
    3
    #1

    Bang Head Round and round we go

    Advertisements
    One of my recent posts was about me and DF fighting so close to his ship out date. We had yet again another fight yesterday bc I went to work. With my schedule I work 6 days a week and my only days off are Tuesdays. I do get paid salary but if I don't come anywhere close to my 40 then he'll pull that salary from me. And I am scheduled to work shifts. I don't have a flexible schedule. Right now, my DF has a flexible schedule working Monday through Friday. If he happens to work less than 8 or 6 hours in a day then he will try to make up for it on the weekend. Which doesn't upset me because I know he's trying to make up hours so he doesn't lose his salary pay.
    Any who, I worked an extra hour and a half Monday because one of my employees was in the ER so I had to wait for my other employee (there are only three of us working at my store) that had the day off to round up a babysitter and wait for the kids to get out of school. So I did say that maybe I wouldn't work yesterday. After thinking about it I didn't have enough hours pulled to take off yesterday. DF called me about an hour after I got to work wanting to know when I was leaving. I had to work at least 4.5 hours and there are times when we have at least 6 plus people in our store so I can't really predict when I'm going to leave.
    He then started throwing out little petty comments that had nothing to do with the topic of conversation. I kept telling him to quit and he kept trying to talk over me about nothing except getting upset. I finally hung up on him, wouldn't answer his phone calls so we could both cool off instead of letting the situation escalate and make things worse. After about 18 missed calls he sends me a text telling me to move out. I couldn't believe it. Over a stupid, unnecessary fight, him losing his temper and me hanging up on him. And it honestly kept going on from there. I tried talking to him in a calm manner. He kept going on and on about things that I do wrong but never once admits that he is just as guilty. He won't ever admit it but gets more pissed when I say that we are both guilty.
    I know that with his ship date being so close he is scared, nerves are on edge, he's worried, possibly not fully mentally prepared. I'm trying to figure out why all of a sudden he's pushing me away and losing his temper as quick as he is. That is not who he is. He is normally very laid back, easy spoken, and has never raised his voice and always able to talk things out. I need to know how to handle this. I'm losing my mind with all the animosity right now. I love him and was looking forward to our future together. I'm honestly hoping that things change after he does leave and maybe realizes that he snapped easily and with the distance it will give him a wake up call. I'm still standing by him even though he's being a HUGE jerk.
  2. In vino veritas
    Dr.VinoVet's Avatar
    Dr.VinoVet is offline
    In vino veritas
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    14,852
    #2
    It sounds like neither of you know how to communicate well or fight fair. Before I married someone like that I would be having serious conversations about those two topics in addition to getting into some sort of counseling or a communication seminar to work that stuff out. It sounds pretty toxic as of now.
  3. Senior Member
    villanelle's Avatar
    villanelle is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    14,790
    #3
    It sounds like it wasn't "over a stupid, unnecessary fight, him losing his temper, and [you] hanging up. You said you've been fighting a lot, and it's clear that there are a lot of issues with you two and that you can't seem to be kind and decent to each other.

    You say this isn't who he is, but what makes you think that? It's the way he's behaving, and this wasn't a one-off thing.

    Maybe you need to spend some time in deep, hard thought, allowing yourself to consider that maybe he's right.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
  4. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    Tojai's Avatar
    Tojai is offline
    Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    St. Pete FL
    Posts
    30,026


    #4
    The thing with big problems coming from "stupid unnecessary fights" is that it's never JUST about the fight. There is way more to his reaction than just a fight, you hanging up, and his temper. It could be because he is frazzled about his ship date, it could be because there is a lack of communication and fair fighting as PP suggested, etc.

    I do also agree that working on conflict resolution and communication in general is a really good idea to do before taking the step to marriage.
  5. Regular Member
    loveof3angels's Avatar
    loveof3angels is offline
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    Germany
    Posts
    161
    Blog Entries
    3
    #5
    I have already been through one marriage that was constant fighting and I admitted that I did have a huge part in that. That was a six year battle constantly. I learned that the way my ex and I handled things made our marriage fall apart. I know now not to repeat the same mistakes. I have tried reasoning with my DF about being able to walk away from each other, cool off, rationalize what exactly we're arguing about.
    Yes WE have been fighting lately but it has been a one sided starting the arguments over some very small things that shouldn't even come near an argument. When he starts his yelling I automatically tell him to lower his voice and talk to me. I tell him I'm not going to discuss anything more while he's being loud. His mood changes at the drop of a dime right now.
    I do agree that there needs to be a discussion on communication, AGAIN, but he sees it as I need to follow by it but he doesn't. He's being very overpowering right now and its either his way or no way at all. There is no mutual ground like there was. I know though that bringing up the topic of communication and finding a way to handle things without arguing will lead to arguing. I don't want to argue with him, that's why I hang up on him. I want to handle problems rationally and together. I honestly feel that him leaving for basic is a huge weight on him right now and he doesn't know exactly how to handle it. He's only been like this since we found out his ship date.
  6. Regular Member
    loveof3angels's Avatar
    loveof3angels is offline
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    Germany
    Posts
    161
    Blog Entries
    3
    #6
    When he proposed to me everything was perfect. We were getting along great, there was no fighting, we were talking everything out and able to work together through our household stress and work stress. We were a united team. Now, not so much and it breaks my heart.
  7. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    Tojai's Avatar
    Tojai is offline
    Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    St. Pete FL
    Posts
    30,026


    #7
    I think it is possible that different rules may need to apply to both partners? What worked for DH and I re: conflict resolution and communication was to create "Rules of Engagement" for fighting fair. So basically I came up with three rules for him and he came up with three rules for me. Our rules don't necessarily apply to each other either (for example, one of his rules is that he can't do any serious communicating or resolution if I'm crying because it makes him feel really bad and he can't handle it, so he wants to wait til I'm not crying, but if he were crying I don't think it would bother me like that).

    Also I apologize if I made you feel attacked or that I was saying you were to blame for every problem ya'll are having. You are right, it is a WE problem, not just him or not just you. It's just that he is not here for us to talk to and give advice to, we can only talk to you so that is where the focus will be.
  8. Hakuna♥Matata's Avatar
    Hakuna♥Matata is offline
    Banned
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    9,847
    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by loveof3angels View Post
    Yes WE have been fighting lately but it has been a one sided starting the arguments over some very small things that shouldn't even come near an argument.
    It's (usually) never about the little things. The reason people blow up at little things is because there is a deep annoyance, unhappiness, frustration etc... boiling about a subject he for whatever reason won't bring up. Or maybe he has in past arguments but it was never actually resolved.

    Hanging up on someone is imo incredibly immature, it takes almost no extra effort to simply say something like "I'd prefer to talk about this when we are both calmer, I'm going to hang up now, Good Bye"

    I agree with past suggestions about looking into couples therapy or help with communication. I wouldn't marry someone who has told me to move out, without some counseling to address why that happened.
  9. Regular Member
    loveof3angels's Avatar
    loveof3angels is offline
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    Germany
    Posts
    161
    Blog Entries
    3
    #9
    Ladies I really appreciate this. I have tried telling him that I'll talk to you when we both are calmer and he just gets even angrier. He refuses to just stop and let things calm down before continuing on. I really do think that his leaving is causing the underlying problems but he won't actually talk about it. I told him yesterday that I do believe there is something else and he just blows up. Trying to make effort with him does nothing more than just piss him off. There is a lack of communication and somehow it is always my fault. He asked me today if I'm going to stop fighting over stupid crap. I simply asked him if that was something he was willing to do too. Then all of a sudden he was like that's not what I said. I asked you if you were going to stop f***ing up. He doesn't ever admit that he is at fault. He says I get upset when its pointed out to me that I do something wrong but if he is at fault he can't admit it. I think he has some insecurities that he needs to over come and getting past this time of him leaving.
  10. MilitarySOS Jewel
    Ol' Grey Mare's Avatar
    Ol' Grey Mare is offline
    MilitarySOS Jewel
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Indiana
    Posts
    14,646
    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Be-Bo View Post
    It's (usually) never about the little things. The reason people blow up at little things is because there is a deep annoyance, unhappiness, frustration etc... boiling about a subject he for whatever reason won't bring up. Or maybe he has in past arguments but it was never actually resolved.

    Hanging up on someone is imo incredibly immature, it takes almost no extra effort to simply say something like "I'd prefer to talk about this when we are both calmer, I'm going to hang up now, Good Bye"

    I agree with past suggestions about looking into couples therapy or help with communication. I wouldn't marry someone who has told me to move out, without some counseling to address why that happened.
    - especially about hanging up and the need to consider some third party help learning communication and conflict resolution skills that will work for both of you.
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •