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Thread: Fiance and I Broke Up Today :(

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    #1

    Fiance and I Broke Up Today :(

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    Hi all. I guess the title says it all. My fiance and I broke up today and he moved out of our apartment. I can't believe this is happening. But, maybe I should have seen it coming. Re-reading some of my MSOS posts, perhaps the writing was on the wall.

    We've been together nearly two years, and he returned in July from a one year deployment to Afghanistan. We got engaged in March, and ever since our engagement he's been really dragging his feet in terms of getting a ring (I still don't have one), setting a date, etc. Every decision thus far has caused an argument and it's made me feel like he's not really into this. I understand that guys don't get all that excited (generally) about wedding planning, but his actions have started to feel intentional... like he's stalling. We finally picked a date/venue after multiple arguments, but when I asked about designating our bridal party members (names, numbers), I got another dose of "why do we have to rush this"?

    When he came home from Afghanistan in July, his family came into town to visit for a week. He went out of his way to fill their week with surprises and fun things to do (he's a planner). Last weekend, we took an impromptu "surprise" visit to Florida to visit his family (and surprise them with our visit). But since he's been home, he hasn't tried to do anything to make me feel special (a nice dinner, an engagement celebration a night on the town, etc). I told him this made me feel kind of bad, especially coupled with him dragging his feet on the engagement stuff. I threw him a huge surprise party when he returned, and I can't even get a nice dinner? I want to cut him some slack, considering he's been home for only two months. But then again... it's been TWO months!

    I feel taken for granted, and I've been doubting his intentions to actually get married. During our break up today, I told him that I still love him (I do!) and that perhaps it's the engagement planing that's causing problems for us. I asked him if he would be willing to get married ASAP and just forgo all the wedding planning. He said no... he cited that he can't marry someone who doesn't "trust" his intentions to get married, and I replied that his actions led me to believe that he does not truly want to get married. And thus, it's a circular argument. As long as he behaves this way, of course I'll feel upset and wonder if he really wants to get married. He wants us to remain living together and "engaged".

    But i feel that... if you're not ready to marry your fiance at a moment's notice, then maybe you shouldn't be engaged at all.

    Any advice or words of comfort/wisdom would be so much appreciated. Thank you all!
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    #2
    It honestly sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. I feel like once you have gotten engaged though, there is no reverting back to just "dating". I hope he decides what he wants for your own sake and that you can at least get some closer. You deserve someone that knows without a doubt that they want to be with you.


    "May you never go to hell, but always be on your way."
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by anchors_aweigh View Post
    Hi all. I guess the title says it all. My fiance and I broke up today and he moved out of our apartment. I can't believe this is happening. But, maybe I should have seen it coming. Re-reading some of my MSOS posts, perhaps the writing was on the wall.

    We've been together nearly two years, and he returned in July from a one year deployment to Afghanistan. We got engaged in March, and ever since our engagement he's been really dragging his feet in terms of getting a ring (I still don't have one), setting a date, etc. Every decision thus far has caused an argument and it's made me feel like he's not really into this. I understand that guys don't get all that excited (generally) about wedding planning, but his actions have started to feel intentional... like he's stalling. We finally picked a date/venue after multiple arguments, but when I asked about designating our bridal party members (names, numbers), I got another dose of "why do we have to rush this"?

    When he came home from Afghanistan in July, his family came into town to visit for a week. He went out of his way to fill their week with surprises and fun things to do (he's a planner). Last weekend, we took an impromptu "surprise" visit to Florida to visit his family (and surprise them with our visit). But since he's been home, he hasn't tried to do anything to make me feel special (a nice dinner, an engagement celebration a night on the town, etc). I told him this made me feel kind of bad, especially coupled with him dragging his feet on the engagement stuff. I threw him a huge surprise party when he returned, and I can't even get a nice dinner? I want to cut him some slack, considering he's been home for only two months. But then again... it's been TWO months!

    I feel taken for granted, and I've been doubting his intentions to actually get married. During our break up today, I told him that I still love him (I do!) and that perhaps it's the engagement planing that's causing problems for us. I asked him if he would be willing to get married ASAP and just forgo all the wedding planning. He said no... he cited that he can't marry someone who doesn't "trust" his intentions to get married, and I replied that his actions led me to believe that he does not truly want to get married. And thus, it's a circular argument. As long as he behaves this way, of course I'll feel upset and wonder if he really wants to get married. He wants us to remain living together and "engaged".

    But i feel that... if you're not ready to marry your fiance at a moment's notice, then maybe you shouldn't be engaged at all.

    Any advice or words of comfort/wisdom would be so much appreciated. Thank you all!
    So not true! A lot of people are engaged and not ready to get married at a "moments notice" I wouldn't be. That doesn't mean I shouldn't be engaged. I think your views on marriage/engagement/wedding planning are very different. You are also sending him mixed messages. Asking him during your break up "speech" if he's ready to get married NOW? Holy contradiction.
  4. No longer seeing where it goes, I'm in the driver's seat.
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    #4
    it does sound like he's stalling. If you want to work on things, maybe sit down and calmly explain things, agree to try and talk things out and if things start to get heated take a breather and come back. If you both want to be together that's all that I can think of. If not it's time to go through the break up motions and start healing and moving on.
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    #5
    I don't know your history but I feel like you're putting a lot of pressure on him and pressure will always make a man withdrawal. Men should do things because they want to, not because they feel pressured.

    I am a little curious how he proposed while deployed and without a ring. Perhaps it wasn't a proposal, so much as discussing the future and you got carried away?

    Is being married at this exact moment really worth losing him over? It kinda makes me wonder why you want to get married so badly. If you really love him, wouldn't just being with him be enough?

    I also don't think 2 months is that long of an adjustment period. He may be focusing on returning to normal life and that means putting your wedding plans on a back burner for awhile.

    Going off this post alone, I do think you are overreacting and your actions are what may be pushing him away/causing him to drag his feet.

    I hope things work out how you want them to!




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    #6
    I think, based on this post and previous ones, that you guys just have drastically different needs. I know I'd be upset if I'd been engaged since March and didn't have a ring because my fiancé was dragging his heels. I also feel like guys should overall be excited about the wedding--even if they aren't going gaga over picking wedding colors, I think it's reasonable to expect a fiancé to be positive and be looking forward to the day. If he was getting upset every time you mentioned wedding stuff, that to me would be a huuuuuge red flag.

    My exDH was the same way. We talked about engagement forever and he dragged his heels proposing. Then, once he did propose, it took forever to plan the wedding because he kept dragging his heels about it. We were always arguing about wedding planning. We did eventually get married, but I had to compromise on pretty much everything that was important to me to do so. It was only immediate family, no friends or even grandparents. I didn't get to go shopping for my wedding dress--it was just something I had in the closet since the wedding was so last minute. We did a JOP wedding but it was super impersonal--the couple getting married after us was sitting in the court room too, and their cell phone went off in the middle of the ceremony.

    Honestly, looking back, I wish I had had the strength to do what you did and call it off. I constantly felt like I was far more invested in the relationship that he was, and I naively thought that it would change when we got married, but clearly, it didn't. It'll take time, but I think you'll see that you dodged a bullet, honestly.
  7. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #7


    I'm sorry this happened. I know it can take some people a long time to adjust after being home from deployment (I don't think DH was really anywhere near back to normal after two months) but if your needs aren't being met, then your needs aren't being met.

    It also does sound like he might not have been ready to get married, I agree with you there. Rejection hurts, but if that is the way he truly feels then he is doing the right thing by stepping back and not getting married just to put a band-aid over a more serious problem. It hurts now, but he is doing the right thing for both of you.

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    Thanks for the responses and perspective, everyone. I appreciate all viewpoints. My fiance and I have had multiple arguments about wedding stuff over the past six months or so, mainly because he's (self-admittedly) dragging his feet. He admits to that. He proposed to me via Skype during his deployment, and all of our friends/family know about it - so it wasn't a manifestation of my imagination!

    The reason I am itching to set our plans in stone is because we are now living together. In the past, I've always been very clear with him that I wouldn't feel comfortable co-habitating with someone unless we were engaged, with a ring and a date. We've been living together for two months, and finally set a date (with much prodding from me) and I still don't have a ring. He knows how I feel in this regard, but it's fallen mainly on deaf ears.

    I realize some couples take a very laidback stance on long engagements, setting a date, etc. That's cool, if both parties want that. But I'm of the mindset that if you're engaged to someone you ARE ready to marry them. You shouldn't set a date and then *hope* to be ready to be married by that date. To me, that seems silly. But I realize that works for some couples.
  9. I'm sorry for the things I said when I was hungry.
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    #9
    Do you think maybe he doesn't have money for a ring?

    Have you asked him why you don't have one yet?




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    For JaneSays - Thanks so much for putting your story out there. I really appreciated reading your words, and I am so sorry you had to endure something similar. It sounds like it made you a stronger person. This all went down just a couple of hours ago, and I'm feeling pretty lousy. Your post helped me believe that perhaps some good will come from this madness.
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