Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Results 1 to 8 of 8

Thread: HELP!!! I don't know what to say (for the first time in my life...ha!)

  1. Fresh Newbie
    tigerchick224's Avatar
    tigerchick224 is offline
    Fresh Newbie
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    11
    #1

    HELP!!! I don't know what to say (for the first time in my life...ha!)

    Advertisements
    Okay...so here is the scoop. DB and I have been together 3 months now. A very short three months, but a very wonderful three months! We are long distance, but we are making things work. He has a deployment coming up and before he goes I'd like to have a talk to make sure both of us have the same expectations out of our relationship (as of now we are in a committed relationship...no I love yous...yet ) You see, after this deployment he is getting out and going to college. I am older than him by four years and I have already gone to college and have a job. At one point, he said something along the lines of joining a fraternity and what not when he went to college, which is entirely up to him. However, I don't necessarily know how we would work out if he wants to have the total "college experience" (or basically the big time partying aspect of it). I know fraternities don't always go crazy partying, but then again some I have seen (and partied with back in the da..ha) do! If he wants to do that...I get it! I have been there, done that...but that chapter of my life is closed. I don't want him to feel like I am pressuring him into anything or giving him any sort of ultimatum at all (I hate ultimatums...actually broke up with my ex when he gave me one), but if I am going to put my love life on hold for him for an extended period of time (which I would love to do!), I would like to be assured that we both know what we want after deployment. I don't want to wait on him only for him to come back, go to college, and forget all about me. Does anyone have advice about a situation similar to this? I don't want it to be awkward (I'm okay to discuss it...I'm just worried about him!) because we haven't been together that long and I don't want him to think I am being pushy. I feel like if we had been together longer this wouldn't make me slightly uncomfortable but deployment hasn't given us that luxury...boo. If anyone has advice or ways to word this, I would appreciate it very much!
  2. MilitarySOS Jewel
    Ol' Grey Mare's Avatar
    Ol' Grey Mare is offline
    MilitarySOS Jewel
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Indiana
    Posts
    14,646
    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by tigerchick224 View Post
    Okay...so here is the scoop. DB and I have been together 3 months now. A very short three months, but a very wonderful three months! We are long distance, but we are making things work. He has a deployment coming up and before he goes I'd like to have a talk to make sure both of us have the same expectations out of our relationship (as of now we are in a committed relationship...no I love yous...yet )

    You see, after this deployment he is getting out and going to college. I am older than him by four years and I have already gone to college and have a job. At one point, he said something along the lines of joining a fraternity and what not when he went to college, which is entirely up to him. However, I don't necessarily know how we would work out if he wants to have the total "college experience" (or basically the big time partying aspect of it). I know fraternities don't always go crazy partying, but then again some I have seen (and partied with back in the da..ha) do! If he wants to do that...I get it! I have been there, done that...but that chapter of my life is closed.

    I don't want him to feel like I am pressuring him into anything or giving him any sort of ultimatum at all (I hate ultimatums...actually broke up with my ex when he gave me one), but if I am going to put my love life on hold for him for an extended period of time (which I would love to do!), I would like to be assured that we both know what we want after deployment. I don't want to wait on him only for him to come back, go to college, and forget all about me. Does anyone have advice about a situation similar to this? I don't want it to be awkward (I'm okay to discuss it...I'm just worried about him!) because we haven't been together that long and I don't want him to think I am being pushy. I feel like if we had been together longer this wouldn't make me slightly uncomfortable but deployment hasn't given us that luxury...boo. If anyone has advice or ways to word this, I would appreciate it very much!
    I don't really see how you are putting your love life "on hold" by being committed to him while he is deployed - you will be in a committed relationship with him. I really think that with a relationship this young you need to just relax and see where things stand by the end of the deployment rather than try to plan for things after that.
  3. OG Member
    April Lynne's Avatar
    April Lynne is offline
    OG Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Houston, Tx area
    Posts
    18,486
    Blog Entries
    5
    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by ZivaD View Post
    I don't really see how you are putting your love life "on hold" by being committed to him while he is deployed - you will be in a committed relationship with him. I really think that with a relationship this young you need to just relax and see where things stand by the end of the deployment rather than try to plan for things after that.
    why are you worried about so far in the future?? Just see how deployment goes and how things go after that. Just because he wants to be a college student doesn't mean he can't have a girlfriend at the same time.


  4. Fresh Newbie
    tigerchick224's Avatar
    tigerchick224 is offline
    Fresh Newbie
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    11
    #4
    I don't think I worded my first post in the best way. I didn't mean "on hold" to sound negative or anything. I want to be with my DB and only him! He is amazing. I guess I just have this fear of him realizing he wants to go his own way and leave me when he gets back. I just don't want to get hurt...ya know? I'm at the point in my life where I am not dating just to date...I'm dating to have relationships that have a potential of the future...and I just want to make sure he wants that too. I would have this conversation at some point in any relationship where I was dating someone I wanted to get serious with or could see myself having a future with...I guess this one is just awkward timing because of the deployment. And this is my first deployment with him (or anyone for that matter) but I don't really want to talk to him about anything serious involving our relationship while he is over there because I don't want him to get distracted and I would much rather have the conversation in person. By the time he gets back we will have dated for over a year and I guess by that point I would like to know that we both are serious about us! In my past relationships this has been easy because I could actually talk to the person whenever I wanted...but in this case...not so much. And I agree... I know he can still have a g/f in college...it's just the way he worded it (like the first week we started dating) made it seem like he wanted to go do his own thing. I'm probably over-analyzing and worrying about things I shouldn't, but I really really like this guy and I want us to work out. I just don't want to get hurt if we don't have the same thoughts about our relationship and find out a year later that he never was serious about it at all. Thanks for the advice so far girls! I've got lots on thinking to do...to the gym I go!
  5. OG Member
    April Lynne's Avatar
    April Lynne is offline
    OG Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Houston, Tx area
    Posts
    18,486
    Blog Entries
    5
    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by tigerchick224 View Post
    I don't think I worded my first post in the best way. I didn't mean "on hold" to sound negative or anything. I want to be with my DB and only him! He is amazing. I guess I just have this fear of him realizing he wants to go his own way and leave me when he gets back. I just don't want to get hurt...ya know? I'm at the point in my life where I am not dating just to date...I'm dating to have relationships that have a potential of the future...and I just want to make sure he wants that too. I would have this conversation at some point in any relationship where I was dating someone I wanted to get serious with or could see myself having a future with...I guess this one is just awkward timing because of the deployment. And this is my first deployment with him (or anyone for that matter) but I don't really want to talk to him about anything serious involving our relationship while he is over there because I don't want him to get distracted and I would much rather have the conversation in person. By the time he gets back we will have dated for over a year and I guess by that point I would like to know that we both are serious about us! In my past relationships this has been easy because I could actually talk to the person whenever I wanted...but in this case...not so much. And I agree... I know he can still have a g/f in college...it's just the way he worded it (like the first week we started dating) made it seem like he wanted to go do his own thing. I'm probably over-analyzing and worrying about things I shouldn't, but I really really like this guy and I want us to work out. I just don't want to get hurt if we don't have the same thoughts about our relationship and find out a year later that he never was serious about it at all. Thanks for the advice so far girls! I've got lots on thinking to do...to the gym I go!
    First bolded, I'd say over a year is a much better time to have this conversation than a couple months in. If you feel like you're in a holding pattern and not really in a relationship then you should discuss that before he goes because of boundaries and such but if you're committed to each other and have both made that committment known then I don't see the rush to have the future conversation now. It's only been a couple months, he could not know if he's in this for the long haul at this point.

    Second bolded, he's in the military. He probably does want to go and do his own thing when he gets out but that doesn't mean his own thing doesn't involve you. Like I said, he can have a gf in college, he can even go out and party like a college student as long as he's faithful. None of that changes the seriousness of your relationship at that point.

    OP, it honestly sounds like you're ready to ask him if this relationship is headed for marriage and I don't see how you could really expect him to know that right this minute because it doesn't sound like you've known each other all that long. You haven't even said the L word yet so how is he supposed to know where the relationship is headed?


  6. Fresh Newbie
    tigerchick224's Avatar
    tigerchick224 is offline
    Fresh Newbie
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    11
    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by FinallyMrsG View Post
    First bolded, I'd say over a year is a much better time to have this conversation than a couple months in. If you feel like you're in a holding pattern and not really in a relationship then you should discuss that before he goes because of boundaries and such but if you're committed to each other and have both made that committment known then I don't see the rush to have the future conversation now. It's only been a couple months, he could not know if he's in this for the long haul at this point.

    Second bolded, he's in the military. He probably does want to go and do his own thing when he gets out but that doesn't mean his own thing doesn't involve you. Like I said, he can have a gf in college, he can even go out and party like a college student as long as he's faithful. None of that changes the seriousness of your relationship at that point.

    OP, it honestly sounds like you're ready to ask him if this relationship is headed for marriage and I don't see how you could really expect him to know that right this minute because it doesn't sound like you've known each other all that long. You haven't even said the L word yet so how is he supposed to know where the relationship is headed?
    Thanks for your answers! And my bolds: 1. Yes, we are in a committed relationship to each other. 2. This is very true. I like to go out and do my own things too! One of my friends (who actually started me worrying about all of this...she is not in a military relationship/does not know anything about a military relationship) suggested that by going out in college he would find some new girl to replace me. That is pretty much what started me on this...my friends around here just don't get it Hence...I'm on this website! and 3. I guess it does sound like that's what I am asking! That's not what I want to sound like though...I have so many things I want to do before I even think of that, regardless of who it is with. My friend basically told me that I would waste an entire year of my life waiting on someone who probably would move on to someone else. As I am typing this, I am starting to think I should reevaluate my "friends."
  7. Regular Member
    ASCourtney's Avatar
    ASCourtney is offline
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    53
    #7
    If he was going to find a new girl to replace you, he could do it now, while deployed, at college, or 10 years down the road. When me and my DH first started our relationship, which we were never officially boyfriend and girlfriend until December 11th of 2012, and Married May 23rd of 2013. I use to worry about that all the time, when he goes on leave, (home to Texas) hes gonna find someone else. When he goes back to Fort Campbell hes gonna find someone else. And the, Am i wasting my time sitting at home waiting on this guy? I came to realize, who knows! Whatever happens is gonna happen. We're married after what, 9 months. We're reporting to Hawaii in November. I stuck through the what ifs and now my life is climbing this huge latter.

    Dont worry about the what ifs! Just focus on now. Show him that youre capable of a military relationship! Because im sure thats what hes worried about. Hes the one that has something to lose. He's going to be deployed, theres only a handful of women capable of sticking through a military relationship, actually committed.

    As my DH would say, if you have to second guess it, dont do it. That we have our lives to live, they chose that path, its up to us if we want to be with them. But if you dont think you can handle it, tell him now. Wouldnt that be the shits if hes deployed, and his girlfriend leaves him because she cant handle the long distance and the what ifs. Youll have your life to live t home, and hell be there. Just him.
  8. OG Member
    April Lynne's Avatar
    April Lynne is offline
    OG Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Houston, Tx area
    Posts
    18,486
    Blog Entries
    5
    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by tigerchick224 View Post
    Thanks for your answers! And my bolds: 1. Yes, we are in a committed relationship to each other. 2. This is very true. I like to go out and do my own things too! One of my friends (who actually started me worrying about all of this...she is not in a military relationship/does not know anything about a military relationship) suggested that by going out in college he would find some new girl to replace me. That is pretty much what started me on this...my friends around here just don't get it Hence...I'm on this website! and 3. I guess it does sound like that's what I am asking! That's not what I want to sound like though...I have so many things I want to do before I even think of that, regardless of who it is with. My friend basically told me that I would waste an entire year of my life waiting on someone who probably would move on to someone else. As I am typing this, I am starting to think I should reevaluate my "friends."
    None of the things you've said specifically apply to the military or even deployments or LDRs for that matter. Anyone even if you see them everyday could wake up one day and say, "You know what I'm just not feeling this relationship anymore." It sounds like your friend is a debbie downer or maybe has had some pretty bad relationship issues in the past that she's projecting onto you. Deployment can be difficult but it could also be used as a time to get to know things about each other you wouldn't normally get to know with the physical closeness that a in person relationship provides. When you talk via chat or letters you tend to have to find things to talk about that don't involve going to the movies or dinner so you find out things about each other. Look at this as an opportunity to grow in the relationship and learn and take things in stride. If you like this guy and you could see yourself with him in the future then sit back and relax, see where the relationship leads and if when he comes back from deployment he doesn't do what your friend says he will then your relationship will be all the better for it, stronger.


Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •