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Thread: mostly separate lives support?

  1. Senior Member
    alice04's Avatar
    alice04 is offline
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    Mar 2012

    mostly separate lives support?

    ha, I honestly didn't know how else to effectively title this! so I was wondering if there were any other ladies out there that were similar to my situation that could impart some wisdom on me... I know that all military relationships have long distance elements to them and require independence on the part of the non-military member spouse... but i'm experiencing a whole new level in this season of life. There has definitely been a shift in the pace every since moving to this new base, and especially in the last year. I legit barely saw my husband.

    He is deployed now (been a month), but even when home he works long, long hours and TDYs a lot. Since his current deployment I have had a lot of time to reflect on this and realize that the past full year especially since he returned from the previous deployment was vastly different than it ever has been. It really feels like I only saw him at Christmas and easter. Weekends have been filled with him either TDY, working, or preparing for the next TDY. I know that it is always stressed that one must have their own hobbies and interests, but it is sooo much more than that now... it is like we live completely different lives and occasionally visit one another. Who knows how many more years it could be like this. I definitely need to adapt some how before I go nuts... I need more than just "keep yourself busy" I apparently need to nearly completely live "without" him... and that's weird for me!

    I don't know if i'm making any sense, but I know there have to be other people out there that are in a similar situation. I know that some people even may prefer this type of situation, but I really don't... I enjoyed having my husband be a big part of my life and hanging out and doing things together like best friends in between deployments and training... but it can't really be like that right now (even after deployment).

    i'm just looking for support for those that are used to living like this... i'm really struggling... i'd love to keep up with people who do this. I'm a bit sad that I need to shift my thinking to living "without" him, and occasionally hes in it. booooooo anyone else DH have an insane, constant schedule?
  2. The Decider
    Brianna Banana's Avatar
    Brianna Banana is offline
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    Dec 2008
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    I work three jobs and we have opposite schedules (his days off, I'm always working. I work a guaranteed 7p-5a Thursday-Sunday and a minimum of 20 hours around my tutoring clients M-F, and he works 1:30p-10p M-F) so it's a similar problem.

    We set aside one of his days off as date day. I wake up earlier than I usually do, he makes breakfast and brings it to me in bed, and we spend the rest of the day (or until I have to leave for work) spending quality time together. We also try to have one evening / morning together during the week. Lately those have been watching a documentary in the evening after he gets off work, and going to breakfast the next morning.

    It's really important to me to feel connected. My love language is quality time and obviously I don't get a whole lot of it - certainly less than the recommended 20 hours per week. He always calls before he goes to bed when I'm at work. Today I had a few extra minutes in my day, so I brought him a shake while he was working.

    Speak to each other's love languages. Mine is quality time, and I have to bend to make that happen in the quantity I'd like. His is physical touch, and he knows he's not going to get any unless I feel connected. I sent him a list of easy ways to earn brownie points lately, and he's really stepped up his game. Brought me flowers at work, and has really gone above and beyond to make me feel special.

    You have to find something that works for you. From your post, I'm guessing your primary love language is quality time. Let your DH know how important it is to you that he connect with you throughout the day, and see what compromises you can make together to ensure both of you have your needs met. It's no fun never being able to spend time together, but it's doable to cultivate and strengthen a relationship at the same time.
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  3. Pour a little salt, we were never here
    [his] lobster's Avatar
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    Jun 2012

    I can only offer My DH's career, and coworkers (and their SOs) have experienced the very thing you are talking about. I know I am in for it eventually in the next ten years, but we have been lucky for now. He has many TDYs, but only one deployment in the last three years......the first year he was in schooling to cross train. I hope someone else who has experienced it can answer you, if not, I'm always here with the crazy scheduling!

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