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Thread: Should I be worried? relationship advice PLEASE! **long post**

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    missmac's Avatar
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    Neutral Should I be worried? relationship advice PLEASE! **long post**

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    *UPDATE*
    If any one cares or whatever. I finally spoke with DB about this mess. Before doing so I sat down with both his mom and mine and they agree with most of you ladies that this behavior is grounds for ending the relationship but they also reminded me that there are 2 sides to every story and given our history its worth hearing him out. I also spoke with his ex (got her number from a mutual friend) and she was more than happy to set the record straight on her part she told me everything and she seem genuine that nothing was going on she even invited me to her boyfriend's birthday party?... weird. Any way DB laid it all out there for me as well and apologized for the things Im able to forgive him for. I made it very clear this wasn't going to be a forgive and forget situation.

    I know I made the post sound terrible and that he was just awful to me (which I agree he kinda was a total douche) I wrote this post in anger and there was a lot I did leave out. Ultimately I think out of the 2 of us, I used his deployment as more of an excuse for him to get away with his actions than he did. A lot of the suspicion came from me being scared and I made things out to be worse then they are (I know as girls we notorious for doing this!) I want to say it was a big misunderstand but things like the picture weren't. We settled on that we would work out our trust issues as best we can. I wouldn't say we are back together but we aren't broken up either??? Not quite sure where to take it from here? How do I learn to trust him?







    Ok so bare with me this is going to be a long story.. Anyway, DB and I have been together for 7 years, and truthfully Its never been the easiest 7 years. Transitioning out of a high school relationship to a real one to a military one got rough. No serious cheating (no sex) but some seeing and talking with other girls behind my back. A year before leaving for boot we sat down and really discussed what we were going to do with our relationship and decided that we wanted to be together and make it work which it has! We are so incredibly happy when we are together, and we get along so well, we never really argue and things dont really go wrong. Ever since he got stationed in KY and then got deployed Ive been really close to his family, his sister is my best friend, I hang out with his brother and our mutual friends almost every weekend, I go to church with his parents on Sundays. DB loves that I'm part of his family already and has made it perfectly clear of his intentions to marry me after deployment

    Well Ive never been able to 100% get over his mistakes in the past, and sometimes I see myself being too harsh with trusting him since some of those girls he was seeing behind my back were my friends! Anyway, before deployment he was starting to act really weird, really distant, wanted his own time with his own friends which made sense and was ok with me, thinking he's probably just having a hard time dealing with his first deployment.

    He came home for spring block leave in April and had been wanting to spend a lot of time with his old friends (ex girlfriend especially) Ive never had a problem with his ex, shes really really nice and they have known each other since they were born! They dated for quite a while and had always stayed distant friends which I thought was pretty cool. Ive never stayed friends with an ex so it was nice to see it work for DB. Well it wasn't working so well with me any more. The night before he left home to go back to his duty station we were having a little date night that he said he had to cut short. To see his ex....( i know.. already suspicious) she works 2 jobs so it was really hard to get a hold of her the past couple of days and he really wanted to say good bye since he didn't think he would come back home before deployment.

    -we argued since he left mid April until the the beginning of May just frustrated with deployment and re hashing old drama that was brought on by that date night-

    He came home again unexpectedly mid May for a week (pre-deployment leave) and by then we had been getting along again and were excited to spend that last week together. Everything went fine for about 3 days. Then I started noticing how much he was talking about his ex girlfriend. Complaining about her dick of a boyfriend and just going on and on about her, well I got irritated and asked him to stop talking about her. Later that night he was still texting her as we were trying to just have a quite, normal comfortable night in so I asked to see his phone for pictures that we took earlier that day and before he handed me the phone he went through and deleted all of the text messages between his ex and him I couldn't handle the arguing so I ignored it. We had a good time the rest of his visit and he did end up seeing his ex again the night before he left to say good bye and I just let it go, they are friends and I was trying to accept that again.

    After the left back to his duty station I told him how I was feeling about his ex and how uncomfortable it was starting to make me. Like a typical guys he dismissed by assumptions and kept trying to reassure me they are just friends. He wouldn't clearly tell me what they do, were they go, etc Ive met the girl twice, years ago, but I'm never allowed to tag along when they hang out so obviously I got mad. Our arguing got to the point were I broke up with him...
    We got back together the next day, he said he cant do his deployment with out me he loves me wants to marry me, he'll change for me etc. He even bought me a flight to come see him that night and stay to see him off that following Tuesday. Everything seemed perfect while I was there we were literally on cloud 9 and so in love. After he left I headed to the airport to fly back home and while waiting for my plane I decided I would leave him a little note to find in his email. (we have each others email passwords and occasionally leave each other secret messages to find so its not weird) I wrote it and hit send only I didnt see it in the inbox so I checked the sent box to see if it was there and that's when I saw it.... he had sent himself pictures of him and his ex, cuddling on some couch, arms around each other, holding each other. No kissing or anything just really too close for comfort. I know the picture is recent by the clothes he was wearing.....and I know it doesnt sound like much but it looks like more.

    I'm devastated and I dont know what to do or say.... I haven't even brought it up to him because I know hes going through a lot over there. But so am I! What do I do? Is it worth being mad or suspicious? Do I have anything to worry about or is it innocent? Should I even talk to him about it right now with the chance it might escalate into a fight and affect his work? I keep getting the feeling that we should have ended things but I am so in love with him and aside from this junk we've always been so good.We've planned out our lives together and he says hes certain about marrying me. Hes made so many promises to change and I just want to believe that he will but If he really means it with the marriage thing, how can he expect me to marry him when I can barely trust him! and he makes it so hard to trust him
    What an awful time for this to go wrong!! I want to be there to support him through this but how can I when all I see in the back of my mind is that picture.

    Please help if anyone has gone through this. I'm totally lost with how to handle this one.
    I know its a ridiculously long post but writing it out feels good hoping someone will read it since I haven't been able to tell anyone whats going on!!!!! urgh
    Last edited by missmac; 06-12-2013 at 01:38 PM. Reason: Update
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    #2
    tbh, i would have left him a long time ago. but thats bc cheating in any form is a no-go in my relationship. be all, end all of a relationship for me. but if for some reason i stayed and we worked it out, the hiding things from me, deleting texts, not telling me what hes doing or where hes going, not letting me come with them, etc would have been the end of it. and then the pictures are entirely too much evidence IMO. just because hes deployed doesnt mean your feelings dont matter. if something is bothering you, you need to tell him. dont come at him guns a blazing acusing him of things, but tell him what you saw, how it makes you feel, and allow him the chance to explain himself. be prepared for him to lie, bc he very well might. but you cant just bottle it up and wait it out until he gets home or just brush over it all together. thats not going to give you a healthy happy relationship, and unless everything gets put out on the table and worked through, there is no chance that you would ever be able to fully trust him again. and you do not need to go into a marriage with trust issues. its just a recipe for disaster
    we kicked deployment #2's butt!

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    Quote Originally Posted by zulielopez View Post
    Ok so bare with me this is going to be a long story.. Anyway, DB and I have been together for 7 years, and truthfully Its never been the easiest 7 years. Transitioning out of a high school relationship to a real one to a military one got rough. No serious cheating (no sex) but some seeing and talking and "other stuff" with other girls behind my back. A year before leaving for boot we sat down and really discussed what we were going to do with our relationship and decided that we wanted to be together and make it work which it has! We are so incredibly happy when we are together, and we get along so well, we never really argue and things dont really go wrong. Ever since he got stationed in KY and then got deployed Ive been really close to his family, his sister is my best friend, I hang out with his brother and our mutual friends almost every weekend, I go to church with his parents on Sundays. DB loves that I'm part of his family already and has made it perfectly clear of his intentions to marry me after deployment

    Well Ive never been able to 100% get over his mistakes in the past, and sometimes I see myself being too harsh with trusting him since some of those girls he was seeing behind my back were my friends! Anyway, before deployment he was starting to act really weird, really distant, wanted his own time with his own friends which made sense and was ok with me, thinking he's probably just having a hard time dealing with his first deployment.

    He came home for spring block leave in April and had been wanting to spend a lot of time with his old friends (ex girlfriend especially) Ive never had a problem with his ex, shes really really nice and they have known each other since they were born! They dated for quite a while and had always stayed distant friends which I thought was pretty cool. Ive never stayed friends with an ex so it was nice to see it work for DB. Well it wasn't working so well with me any more. The night before he left home to go back to his duty station we were having a little date night that he said he had to cut short. To see his ex....( i know.. already suspicious) she works 2 jobs so it was really hard to get a hold of her the past couple of days and he really wanted to say good bye since he didn't think he would come back home before deployment.

    -we argued since he left mid April until the the beginning of May just frustrated with deployment and re hashing old drama that was brought on by that date night-

    He came home again unexpectedly mid May for a week (pre-deployment leave) and by then we had been getting along again and were excited to spend that last week together. Everything went fine for about 3 days. Then I started noticing how much he was talking about his ex girlfriend. Complaining about her dick of a boyfriend and just going on and on about her, well I got irritated and asked him to stop talking about her. Later that night he was still texting her as we were trying to just have a quite, normal comfortable night in so I asked to see his phone for pictures that we took earlier that day and before he handed me the phone he went through and deleted all of the text messages between his ex and him I couldn't handle the arguing so I ignored it. We had a good time the rest of his visit and he did end up seeing his ex again the night before he left to say good bye and I just let it go, they are friends and I was trying to accept that again.

    After the left back to his duty station I told him how I was feeling about his ex and how uncomfortable it was starting to make me. Like a typical guys he dismissed by assumptions and kept trying to reassure me they are just friends. He wouldn't clearly tell me what they do, were they go, etc Ive met the girl twice, years ago, but I'm never allowed to tag along when they hang out so obviously I got mad. Our arguing got to the point were I broke up with him...
    We got back together the next day, he said he cant do his deployment with out me he loves me wants to marry me, he'll change for me etc. He even bought me a flight to come see him that night and stay to see him off that following Tuesday. Everything seemed perfect while I was there we were literally on cloud 9 and so in love. After he left I headed to the airport to fly back home and while waiting for my plane I decided I would leave him a little note to find in his email. (we have each others email passwords and occasionally leave each other secret messages to find so its not weird) I wrote it and hit send only I didnt see it in the inbox so I checked the sent box to see if it was there and that's when I saw it.... he had sent himself pictures of him and his ex, cuddling on some couch, arms around each other, holding each other. No kissing or anything just really too close for comfort. I know the picture is recent by the clothes he was wearing.....and I know it doesnt sound like much but it looks like more.

    I'm devastated and I dont know what to do or say.... I haven't even brought it up to him because I know hes going through a lot over there. But so am I! What do I do? Is it worth being mad or suspicious? Do I have anything to worry about or is it innocent? Should I even talk to him about it right now with the chance it might escalate into a fight and affect his work? I keep getting the feeling that we should have ended things but I am so in love with him and aside from this junk we've always been so good.We've planned out our lives together and he says hes certain about marrying me. Hes made so many promises to change and I just want to believe that he will but If he really means it with the marriage thing, how can he expect me to marry him when I can barely trust him! and he makes it so hard to trust him
    What an awful time for this to go wrong!! I want to be there to support him through this but how can I when all I see in the back of my mind is that picture.

    Please help if anyone has gone through this. I'm totally lost with how to handle this one.
    I know its a ridiculously long post but writing it out feels good hoping someone will read it since I haven't been able to tell anyone whats going on!!!!! urgh
    I am not one to invest myself in a relationship where there is no trust.
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    #4
    Nobody here can tell you what it is or isn't. I say to follow your gut. If you think something is up, something is up. Deployments shouldn't be an excuse to do whatever he pleases. Sounds like he is using it as an excuse for his crappy behavior. He is still in a relationship with you.

    I would bring it up with him. I woudn't be able to sit idly by while this stuff went on.

    Also, promises to change, without actual change are just words. If the actions don't follow, you have to start listening to his actions and not words.
  5. KAD
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    I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I know it's rough I have been in a similar relationship. To be honest I would have ended it also, because of the mere fact he is not changing and he is hiding things and like the post before he is hiding behind his deployment which is definitely not right. I understand he's going through his own issues being deployed- but doesn't mean you should disregard your feelings especially because you all have been in a long well estaished relationship. I agree you need to follow your gut... Your intuition is the strongest! In all honesty I would pull back after telling him how I feel and let him prove to me he will change... Him saying he will the moment you decided to pull the plug and you go back is not letting it sink in. I wish you the best!
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    If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, its probably a cheater.

    Quote Originally Posted by CDNTrish View Post
    Nobody here can tell you what it is or isn't. I say to follow your gut. If you think something is up, something is up. Deployments shouldn't be an excuse to do whatever he pleases. Sounds like he is using it as an excuse for his crappy behavior. He is still in a relationship with you.

    I would bring it up with him. I woudn't be able to sit idly by while this stuff went on.

    Also, promises to change, without actual change are just words. If the actions don't follow, you have to start listening to his actions and not words.
    Yup. There is no way I would stay in a 'tough' relationship with no trust, a history of cheating, possibly more cheating and my whole life ahead of me.
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    Personally I think that was a really shitty thing for him to do to you. He can be friends with he ex or whatever BUT he should let you come with him if you wanted to go. I mean if they are such close friends why wouldn't he want you to become friends with her also?That makes me suspicious. He probably will not change. Some people do, but they change because they want to not for the person they are with. It sounds like that is his go to response when you get mad at him. He has no excuse for being that hurtful to you IMO. Hope things work out.

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    #8
    Regardless of whether or not the relationship with the ex is innocent, you're unhappy, worried, and uncomfortable. That means you need to have a chat. There's nothing wrong with having some ground rules in a relationship. People hash them out so they know how to keep their mates happy, and what boundaries are. Here are a few you may want to chat about.

    -No friends should be hoarded away and kept from either party.
    -No texting/chatting with other people during "us" time.
    -No freaking cuddling with other people.

    And so on. I stayed friends with my ex (actually, he's my BFF). DH doesn't get suspicious, and knows nothing is going on, because I don't cross boundaries we set years ago. Oh, and he's also perfectly able to spend time with my pal if he chooses (even if it's just Skype, DH is invited always!). Hope you get to talk with him soon, and hash this out.
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    I would have ended things a long time ago, his behavior is not ok in my eyes. You have to do what is right for you though. Good luck!
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    Quote Originally Posted by CDNTrish View Post
    Nobody here can tell you what it is or isn't. I say to follow your gut. If you think something is up, something is up. Deployments shouldn't be an excuse to do whatever he pleases. Sounds like he is using it as an excuse for his crappy behavior. He is still in a relationship with you.

    I would bring it up with him. I woudn't be able to sit idly by while this stuff went on.

    Also, promises to change, without actual change are just words. If the actions don't follow, you have to start listening to his actions and not words.

    I can vouch for this one! Everything about your post is suspicious. Don't put your feelings aside because of a deployment. You have to know what kind of man you're waiting for. Sounds like a talk is needed. You need answers as to why he's being so sneaky with his ex. Personally, I wouldn't put up with what you're going through. Don't put yourself in the back burner because of his promises to marry you. Do what is best for you.
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