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Thread: How would you handle this?

  1. 1/2 hippie, 1/2 diva... all Jersey
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    #1

    How would you handle this?

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    [This was a question that was brought up at the office the other day b/c one of our therapists is going through this sort of thing... I'll be honest, no one had anything really "great" to offer. I was still thinking about it this morning, so I figured I'd post here.]

    How would you handle the situation if you found yourself just kinda "meh" or blase when it came to your SO? Nothing terribly out of whack -- at least not noticeably-- but the spark is kinda out?

    What if it had something to do with the fact that the person seemed "too comfortable" in the relationship... You know, when 1 person stops trying and then it proceeds to drag down the other person? That could mean a lot of things: physically letting themselves go, forgetting to "date" you anymore, investing all their time and energy into other things?

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    #2
    I would suggest them both reading the book "Five Love Languages" My SO and I went through something similar. We both knew we loved each other but we didn't know exactly what made the other person feel loved. It was an awkward situation but not only did it help our relationship, it opened up a whole new area of conversation and made our marriage that much stronger.
  3. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #3
    Maybe it's not very romantic, but I think making expectations clear is really important. To be honest, I think DH may be feeling a little bit this way because I've been having some health issues and I've been putting tons of effort into that and less into our marriage.

    He made a list of things for me that are his expectations, like we work out together every day, we always eat together, once a week we go out to eat and have a sit down dinner, etc. I think the "spark" kind of follows when you create the opportunity to reconnect, kwim?
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    #5
    I think this is a fairly "common" question/occurrence. I've noticed dh and myself getting too "blah" at times even. At that point I talk with him and say that I miss the date nights sometimes and we'll plan a week or two of things to do that are just for us.

    I just reread the part about "dragging the other person down". I think that only happens if the other person doesn't speak up and communicate. If they have communicated in regards to that "issue" (for lack of a better word) and nothing had changed, then i think there is a different issue at hand. Communication is key, just don't allow the words to say "you don't do this/that/etc".
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post
    Maybe it's not very romantic, but I think making expectations clear is really important. To be honest, I think DH may be feeling a little bit this way because I've been having some health issues and I've been putting tons of effort into that and less into our marriage.

    He made a list of things for me that are his expectations, like we work out together every day, we always eat together, once a week we go out to eat and have a sit down dinner, etc. I think the "spark" kind of follows when you create the opportunity to reconnect, kwim?
    I like that idea! Does he have a list from you?

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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by DubzSoPretty View Post
    I like that idea! Does he have a list from you?
    I'm actually working on one but I haven't given it to him yet.

    I like your 40 day Love Dare idea too, I did that during our first year of marriage when we were having a hard time and it made things SO much better. Especially the parts about setting rules for fighting fair, and only keeping friends who are also friends of the relationship. He didn't know I was doing it but I journaled all 40 days and then gave him the journal for Christmas (just happened to fall at the end of the 40 days).
  8. I was the perfect mom, until I had kids.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by dolphindm04 View Post
    I think this is a fairly "common" question/occurrence. I've noticed dh and myself getting too "blah" at times even. At that point I talk with him and say that I miss the date nights sometimes and we'll plan a week or two of things to do that are just for us.

    I just reread the part about "dragging the other person down". I think that only happens if the other person doesn't speak up and communicate. If they have communicated in regards to that "issue" (for lack of a better word) and nothing had changed, then i think there is a different issue at hand. Communication is key, just don't allow the words to say "you don't do this/that/etc".
    I think it's normal for a relationship or marriage to start to fizzle out a bit the longer you're together. The newness of the rainbows and butterflies (or better known as the the honeymoon stage) wears off, and from time to time you get caught up in the day to day routine of it all, and get too comfortable. I always compare love to a fire, because it's the most straight forward thing I can think of usually. When a fire first starts it burns brilliant and hot, but as time goes on, it starts to die down, and if you're not tending it, it eventually goes out. In order to keep it from going out permanently, you have to throw a few logs on and re-light it. Love is no different, if you're not putting in the effort to keep it lit, it's going to go out.


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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by DubzSoPretty View Post
    I second this
  10. Come along with me, misery loves company.
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    #10
    My exh felt like this a lot. I begged him to make a list but he said I should just know. In the end he had his own issues and tried pushing them onto me.

    If this happened in my current marriage I would try to talk to my DH about it. See if he felt the same way.
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