Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 32

Thread: Do you believe in second chances?

  1. Regular Member
    PinUp Doll's Avatar
    PinUp Doll is offline
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    Wichita, KS
    Posts
    57
    #1

    Do you believe in second chances?

    Advertisements
    Warning now this is long (and I tried to make it short)Ö.but I need to vent and hopefully get some advice/input from you ladies.

    My exDH and I met 3 years ago, got engaged quickly and were married by the time we had been together for a year. We had our ups and downs but we loved each other. Well he has a severe anger problem (and I really donít believe itís PTSD related or anything like that, according to his mom he suffered from Anger problems since he was in the second grade). The easiest way to explain to people is that one minute he could be the most loving and caring guy and the next minute he was punching a wall and calling me names etc. He never punched/kicked me but he was starting to show signs of some physical abuse (ie grabbed my face to make me look at him, he spit on me once). After the spitting incident I told him he needed to get help or I was leaving him. He agreed to get help but he never really accepted responsibility for his actions and I was always the one that got the blame for his anger problem. It was my fault that he got that mad, or broke the door, etc. Well in early Feb his anger shifted to my son who is 14, he went off on my son at my momís house which upset my mom. (now a little history here, him and mom definitely had some tension between them, she wasnít very accepting of him and I am extremely close with my family). At any rate, she asked him not to yell at her Grandson in her home and he lost it. He started calling her every name under the sun and it ended with him calling her an Fíing C (yes the C word) and he kicked a full Culligan bottle of water in their garage and broke his toes. The day was really rough, I had enough at that point and kicked him out. A few days later we were able to talk, he moved his stuff out and we both cried but again he never accepted any responsibility for his actions. The next few weeks we continued to talk, he tried to see me and I would make excuses because I didnít think I could handle it emotionally. I loved this man with all my heart, and after all I didnít get married to get divorced a year later. A few weeks later he lost it, was calling me and texting me like crazy and because I wasnít answering as quickly as he wanted it got worse. I had to threaten calling his commanding officer for harassing me and filing a restraining order so he stopped. We didnít talk for about 4 weeks unless it had to do with the divorce.

    So the divorce was finalized on April 29th and I am now seeing a whole new guy. He has been the sweet, loving, caring man that I fell so deeply in love with. He wanted to go to lunch so I agreed. He apologized for his anger problem and even more so admitted that he had one. He apologized and cried that he didnít realize it sooner. I asked him what changed and he said he thinks the divorce being final made him realize what he had lost. Heís getting help finally for his anger problem through counseling and we have talked every day for the past 2.5 weeks, he asked me today if I thought we could ever be together again. I am so tornÖ.I think my family would disown me if I were to go back to him but they donít know the guy that I know and love. I have seen him a few times since lunch and I love every minute we spend together and hate when itís time for him to go. We both cry and it tears us apart but he knows he has things to work on. Do you believe in second chances or am I hanging onto something that will never work?
    "Once in awhile, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale!!"


    DH: You and your son are by far the best thing that has ever happened to me.
  2. Team Rocket
    rocket_lizz's Avatar
    rocket_lizz is offline
    Team Rocket
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    San Diego!!!
    Posts
    9,069
    #2
    I believe in second chances, however, I believe that in this case, it has been much too short of a time frame for him to really prove that he has changed. It takes a LONG time to change deeply embedded behavior like that. Just counseling may not be enough.

    And, for perspective, when someone gets therapy for a drug use or alcoholism, they are often told not to date for a year, just because they need to focus on their recovery first. Your exDH needs some serious recovery from his anger problems.

    Also, if you wait a year or more, and he works on himself & his attitude that whole time, you will know he is definitely changing. If he gets mad or upset at you wanting to wait so long, you'll know he hasn't really changed.
    WiggleWiggle~ is my Wifey
  3. Senior Member
    Oh♥Merlot's Avatar
    Oh♥Merlot is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    5,516
    #3
    I personally don't believe in second chances. Do me wrong once, and you're out the door. Why give someone a second opportunity to hurt you? You only live once, spend it with someone who truly makes you happy.
  4. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    Tojai's Avatar
    Tojai is offline
    Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    St. Pete FL
    Posts
    30,026


    #4
    I've heard the thing about not dating for a year too. I would be careful - my exDH pulled some shenanigans trying to get me back after we divorced. My counselor told me he would though. People go through a grieving process when a marriage ends and very very often they will try to negotiate their way back in (bargaining phase). Another reason to be extremely careful is because of your son - your ex has taken out his anger on him before and you have to think of what's best for him first. That sounds like a tough position to be in.
  5. Regular Member
    PinUp Doll's Avatar
    PinUp Doll is offline
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    Wichita, KS
    Posts
    57
    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by rocket_lizz View Post
    I believe in second chances, however, I believe that in this case, it has been much too short of a time frame for him to really prove that he has changed. It takes a LONG time to change deeply embedded behavior like that. Just counseling may not be enough.

    And, for perspective, when someone gets therapy for a drug use or alcoholism, they are often told not to date for a year, just because they need to focus on their recovery first. Your exDH needs some serious recovery from his anger problems.

    Also, if you wait a year or more, and he works on himself & his attitude that whole time, you will know he is definitely changing. If he gets mad or upset at you wanting to wait so long, you'll know he hasn't really changed.
    Yes I absolutely agree that us getting back together would take time and he would definitely have to prove to me that he has changed. I guess I just feel stupid sometimes for even thinking about getting back with him. He put me through some hell but then I love him and I know the good guy. He's trying to transfer out of here which I hate but it's probably for the best. It would put some distance between us which might help both of us. Thanks for the advice!!!
    "Once in awhile, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale!!"


    DH: You and your son are by far the best thing that has ever happened to me.
  6. Regular Member
    PinUp Doll's Avatar
    PinUp Doll is offline
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    Wichita, KS
    Posts
    57
    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post
    I've heard the thing about not dating for a year too. I would be careful - my exDH pulled some shenanigans trying to get me back after we divorced. My counselor told me he would though. People go through a grieving process when a marriage ends and very very often they will try to negotiate their way back in (bargaining phase). Another reason to be extremely careful is because of your son - your ex has taken out his anger on him before and you have to think of what's best for him first. That sounds like a tough position to be in.
    That's what makes this so tough is that my family (and obviously my son) are so important to me, I wouldn't want to risk losing them over him which sucks to have to make that choice but I told exDH that if he could have realized he had an issue sooner it would have been easier to work through it. Whether that meant separating for a bit or more counseling, whatever but that he lost it and took it to a different level when he went off on my mom and son. (sometimes it's hard to convince your heart of all of that though).
    "Once in awhile, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale!!"


    DH: You and your son are by far the best thing that has ever happened to me.
  7. Lex Justo BAMF Patriot Guard Rider!
    Adrianne's Avatar
    Adrianne is offline
    Lex Justo BAMF Patriot Guard Rider!
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Somewhere in the cold wastelands of MN
    Posts
    9,096
    #7
    I believe in second chances depending on the situation, but I also strongly feel that exes are exes for a reason. There's a reason we move on to new things. And if he has anger problems and is coming back all "i'm soooo sorry" now, I don't trust it simply because I see that alot in abusive situations where they are trying to get their proverbial punching bag back (aka you).
    I've been known as
    "The Enforcer" and NavyHeart


    Once more into the fray...
    Into the last good fight I'll ever know.
    Live or die on this day...
    Live and die on this day.

  8. Senior Member
    Madewell's Avatar
    Madewell is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Washington, DC/Qatar
    Posts
    316
    Blog Entries
    1
    #8
    I don't have any advice, but you are doing a really great job at handling all of this.

    ďEver has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.Ē
    -Khalil Gibran


    "Depth over distance every time my dear;
    and this tree of ours may grow tall in the woods;
    but it's the roots that will bind us here,
    to the ground."
    -Ben Howard, Depth Over Distance
  9. Senior Member
    CDNTrish's Avatar
    CDNTrish is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Posts
    6,436
    #9
    Do I believe in second chances? Sure, why not.

    Do I believe in second chances where there is a history of abuse (both verbal and physical) to not only me but to my son as well? Absolutely not. No way in a million years would I put myself through that twice. Once seems like enough torture to me.
  10. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    Tojai's Avatar
    Tojai is offline
    Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    St. Pete FL
    Posts
    30,026


    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by PinUp Doll View Post
    That's what makes this so tough is that my family (and obviously my son) are so important to me, I wouldn't want to risk losing them over him which sucks to have to make that choice but I told exDH that if he could have realized he had an issue sooner it would have been easier to work through it. Whether that meant separating for a bit or more counseling, whatever but that he lost it and took it to a different level when he went off on my mom and son. (sometimes it's hard to convince your heart of all of that though).
    Honestly, I could see if it was just your family, I mean in that case you have to do what's best for you. If it comes to down to choosing between this guy and your child though that's definitely a risk I wouldn't take.

    You also have to think too, even if the anger doesn't come back directed at your son, everything that happens is making an impression on him of what a marriage is like. Someone who grabs your face and spits on you isn't someone you want your son to be learning how to be a husband from.
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •