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Thread: "don't take her away from her support"

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    #1

    "don't take her away from her support"

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    was wondering what y'all thought about this!! reading the recent Dear SOS entry about how she moved away from her family (like many of us did) and she told her DH she'd need him to be her rock and he agreed reminded me of something i heard several months ago. it was some sort of marriage seminar thing... maybe Dr Phil? or some other show? maybe even a marriage retreat thing... i don't really remember, but the concept is more important than where it's from, though i can do some digging to find it... or y'all can too! i'm sure this concept is not just from one source.

    anyways, so it was talking about marriage and how a lot of the times we see couples who get married generally settle down at least still nearby/within driving distance to their family and hometown (where they are probably both from). my best friend and her husband are in this exact situation; both from the same place, both want to stay and live near their families. basically the point of the argument was that you should never take the woman away from her support (it did focus a lot on the wife... seems a little one sided, but could work both ways i suppose). "if she's from Colorado, then you settle in Colorado" but in fact his words exactly were more like "if you want to settle in Colorado, then you marry a girl from Colorado!" if you ask her to move away then you (talking to the husband) then become her only source of support, at least for the short term. which in turn puts a lot of pressure on you (husband) and makes the wife put even more expectation onto the husband because he is the only source of companionship in a new place.

    basically the speaker says that this can cause problems in the marriage... depression for the wife... etc. he encourages people to think of this when choosing to marry someone, and that dating someone who doesn't live where yiou are planning to settle could be disastrous.

    now, this is interesting for any scenario really... because we all know that not all marriages where someone moves away from their support is doomed for divorce or discourse obviously, because it's a super common situation. but it does make an interesting twist on the fact that the majority of us on here are military spouses... and how we really have no choice in where we live they definitely didn't touch on that!

    so what do you think, military family or civilian family, is there any truth to that? i can see some truth to that... as can be seen by the Dear SOS entry. but eventually we have to choose to find new friends and hopefully a new support system wherever we are. i can definitely see where it is unhealthy to have to rely on your husband solely for support where you live. and sometimes i think i would be happier if i still lived closer to my all of my close friends from my hometown. but that's not really my husband's fault at all! this is the military.

    sorry for babbling... tell me what you think! anyone ever heard of this before? i love discussions
  2. In vino veritas
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    I think if your happiness comes from where you live, you have bigger problems. I think living in a shitty place can contribute to unhappiness, but you should still be able to have fun and be happy even when living in a shitty area (hey! tons of people live in jax, NC, and it suuuuucks haha). I think all people, always, should be prepared to move somewhere. You never know where life may take you and/or your family. What if your husband loses his job and cant find one and had to move to a new city/a new state/ a new coat to find a job? What if the same happens to you? Especially in this day and age of phones, skype, face chat etc.. I just dont understand the fear some people have of moving. You can make a new home and new friends anywhere, you just have to be open and willing and try to make the best of a situation, not allow yourself to wallow and be sad.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dr.VinoVet View Post
    I think if your happiness comes from where you live, you have bigger problems. I think living in a shitty place can contribute to unhappiness, but you should still be able to have fun and be happy even when living in a shitty area (hey! tons of people live in jax, NC, and it suuuuucks haha). I think all people, always, should be prepared to move somewhere. You never know where life may take you and/or your family. What if your husband loses his job and cant find one and had to move to a new city/a new state/ a new coat to find a job? What if the same happens to you? Especially in this day and age of phones, skype, face chat etc.. I just dont understand the fear some people have of moving. You can make a new home and new friends anywhere, you just have to be open and willing and try to make the best of a situation, not allow yourself to wallow and be sad.
    i think it was focusing more on taking away from where they live close to family and friends, rather than moving to a boring/crappy place, but that definitely can be an issue as well!

    and you bring up a good point... even single people move for jobs "away from their support" it's not just a marriage thing.

    perhaps it's because at least a good portion of the time (not always though) when someone moves for marriage they are moving away "to be with their husband" and maybe do not focus on figuring out their new life there aside from their marriage i.e. a job or school so then it becomes "all about their husband" because they did not plan in advance for themselves thinking "marriage was enough." of course marriage is important, but we forget that we need to have reasons for ourselves too. i made this mistake when i got married as a early twenties youngin... i just married and moved without really knowing anything about what i would do once there! i wish i would have! would have made things a lot easier.
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    #4
    I think it really depends on a person's personality. Some people have a very difficult time being away from people that they have been around their whole life.

    I also have the thought that if someone cannot use their spouse as their support system and form a support system with new people, then there are bigger problems.
    R.I.P. My Love, Everyone was supposed to come home together, I'm sorry you had to come home early
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    Quote Originally Posted by alice04 View Post
    i think it was focusing more on taking away from where they live close to family and friends, rather than moving to a boring/crappy place, but that definitely can be an issue as well!

    and you bring up a good point... even single people move for jobs "away from their support" it's not just a marriage thing.

    perhaps it's because at least a good portion of the time (not always though) when someone moves for marriage they are moving away "to be with their husband" and maybe do not focus on figuring out their new life there aside from their marriage i.e. a job or school so then it becomes "all about their husband" because they did not plan in advance for themselves thinking "marriage was enough." of course marriage is important, but we forget that we need to have reasons for ourselves too. i made this mistake when i got married as a early twenties youngin... i just married and moved without really knowing anything about what i would do once there! i wish i would have! would have made things a lot easier.
    See this term "taking away" is throwing me off. How can that term be used in a marriage? A marriage is compromise and if a person feels like their spouse is "taking them away" from their family, then I don't think that there is the proper amount of compromise or that the marriage can be healthy.
    R.I.P. My Love, Everyone was supposed to come home together, I'm sorry you had to come home early
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dr.VinoVet View Post
    I think if your happiness comes from where you live, you have bigger problems. I think living in a shitty place can contribute to unhappiness, but you should still be able to have fun and be happy even when living in a shitty area (hey! tons of people live in jax, NC, and it suuuuucks haha). I think all people, always, should be prepared to move somewhere. You never know where life may take you and/or your family. What if your husband loses his job and cant find one and had to move to a new city/a new state/ a new coat to find a job? What if the same happens to you? Especially in this day and age of phones, skype, face chat etc.. I just dont understand the fear some people have of moving. You can make a new home and new friends anywhere, you just have to be open and willing and try to make the best of a situation, not allow yourself to wallow and be sad.
    As always, ITA with Vino.

    I read a really interesting, Buddhism based relationship book called Fidelity and it talked about how you have to do your best to be happy with whatever situation you are in. Finding happiness in great or awful situations gives you the most fulfilling and lasting happiness and inner peace. I would hate to have my happiness be dependent on what's around me. That needs to come from my own volition and coping mechanisms.

    ETA: Marrying DB will get me out of this stupid town and onto some adventures! I'm totally stoked! How does that fit in?
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    #7
    I can see moving a person away from their family/friends making either party of the marriage the main support for the other can cause problems, but honestly, even with my family close by DH is still my main support. We talk about everything. My parents are very opinionated and judgemental, and have been that way as long as I can remember. I ask for their opinions and support on things, but bottomline is if DH supports my decisions. Not my parents or friends. I'm married. Sure I care what they think, but I care about what DH thinks more.

    At the same time, you (general) need to be able to make yourself happy. No one can depend on their spouse alone. I go to the gym and spend time with friends. My husband has never been my one source of happiness, but neither has my family or friends. They are all apart of it.
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    Quote Originally Posted by azarmygf View Post
    See this term "taking away" is throwing me off. How can that term be used in a marriage? A marriage is compromise and if a person feels like their spouse is "taking them away" from their family, then I don't think that there is the proper amount of compromise or that the marriage can be healthy.
    i don't know, semantics. though you are right, it sounds very possessive and a little sexist... i think it was thinking of the husband making a choice for the family, and that it could be selfish to know that your wife will support you no matter what and follow you wherever even if it isn't where she wants to be. a little stereotypical. the source was very much so sided to husbands and their duties... not really sure why. but in this discussion, i want it to be applied in either direction! not just husband, but also wife... etc. any situation that could arise.

    and it does seem to depend on the person... i was more sad about moving away from my friends than my family, honestly i don't need to be near my family. but some people do. the friend that i mentioned in a PP is more the one who "made the decision to stay near" and she did it pretty early on in dating. she is adamant that she wants to live in the same state for the rest of her life, within a few hours of her family. she told him that if he got a job that required him to move... she would not go with. she told them this when dating. now they are married and have a baby, so finally they needed to get their own place and he wanted to get more of a career... jobs where they are weren't looking so good... and he made the comment to her that he could probably easily find a good job doing what he wants to do if he looked elsewhere in the country and she still had an adamant no. she refuses to move out of state ever for any reason.

    i, on the other hand, though i am sad not to live near to my close friends anymore, never saw myself living in the same place my whole life. though i do miss it more than i thought i would
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    #9
    Leave and cleave
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by ZivaD View Post
    Leave and cleave
    explain when I hear "cleave" I think of the biblical concept where a woman becomes one with the man she marries and leaves her family. is this what you are referring to? that the woman should follow the man when married and he should be where she looks to for support?
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