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Thread: Marriage?!?!

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    #1

    Question Marriage?!?!

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    Hey everyone!

    I have a little bit of a thing that I'd like anyone's advice on. He's 21 and I'm 26, I have been talking to this guy since September, right before he left for boot. We've known each other for years, since we both worked at Busch Gardens in VA. I am currently in MI and he was just stationed overseas for the remainder of his first initial enlistment. We're really into each other and I can definitely see myself being with him for the long haul. We have a ton in common, and are very clearly attracted to each other Needless to say I definitely am into him, and he me.

    I've had the chance to visit him twice since we started talking and both times were great! We both had agreed at the time that we would take it slow and not make anything "official" for awhile, even when we had great chemistry (I want/need to finish grad school and am moving to Charleston in a couple months, he is trying to get into Annapolis, if he can). We thought it would be best to just feel things out. One thing he keeps mentioning is seeing if we can still be into each other after his first deployment from his station over there, and if we are, then we'll see. This isn't my first rodeo with the military; I was engaged and with a sailor for three years back when I had another username and was active on this board like crazy.

    My thing is this. since he has been stationed, he's been throwing little comments out like "I wish I could just quit the Navy and come live with you in Charleston" and "I miss you so much," all things I can handle and definitely reciprocate. But every once in a while when we get a chance to talk, he talks about his leave, which could be as early as November/December of this year. When we do, he throws comments about how he wishes I could come back with him, and of course I can't not being his wife, but he says "ya know, if we get married while I'm home you could come back with me." I have always kind of brushed it off a little, and he SEEMS to be joking...but honestly, I think there is some seriousness in his statements. I'm not sure that jumping from no official relationship to marriage is ever a good idea...but I'm a bit at a loss on how to handle this, if at all. Should I just see where things go? Is this even a big deal? I don't want to cause any issues, especially when he just got over there.


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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Cedes View Post
    Hey everyone!

    I have a little bit of a thing that I'd like anyone's advice on. He's 21 and I'm 26, I have been talking to this guy since September, right before he left for boot. We've known each other for years, since we both worked at Busch Gardens in VA. I am currently in MI and he was just stationed overseas for the remainder of his first initial enlistment. We're really into each other and I can definitely see myself being with him for the long haul. We have a ton in common, and are very clearly attracted to each other Needless to say I definitely am into him, and he me.

    I've had the chance to visit him twice since we started talking and both times were great! We both had agreed at the time that we would take it slow and not make anything "official" for awhile, even when we had great chemistry (I want/need to finish grad school and am moving to Charleston in a couple months, he is trying to get into Annapolis, if he can). We thought it would be best to just feel things out. One thing he keeps mentioning is seeing if we can still be into each other after his first deployment from his station over there, and if we are, then we'll see. This isn't my first rodeo with the military; I was engaged and with a sailor for three years back when I had another username and was active on this board like crazy.

    My thing is this. since he has been stationed, he's been throwing little comments out like "I wish I could just quit the Navy and come live with you in Charleston" and "I miss you so much," all things I can handle and definitely reciprocate. But every once in a while when we get a chance to talk, he talks about his leave, which could be as early as November/December of this year. When we do, he throws comments about how he wishes I could come back with him, and of course I can't not being his wife, but he says "ya know, if we get married while I'm home you could come back with me." I have always kind of brushed it off a little, and he SEEMS to be joking...but honestly, I think there is some seriousness in his statements. I'm not sure that jumping from no official relationship to marriage is ever a good idea...but I'm a bit at a loss on how to handle this, if at all. Should I just see where things go? Is this even a big deal? I don't want to cause any issues, especially when he just got over there.


    ladies!
    My two cents, if your relationship is anywhere near what it should be to even consider marriage it should be a relationship where you can do what needs to be done- and that is have some good, honest communication about it. If you don't feel you can or want to have that conversation, that is an answer in itself. He keeps throwing out these comments. Next time just say ask if he is being serious or kidding - and then go from there based on his answer and how you feel about it.
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    #3
    Thanks. I personally still feel we are in the "feeling each other out" phase. I wouldn't be surprised if the whole "I'm here in a foreign country and miss having my so around and about do be deployed and don't want to lose her-itis" is kicking in, but we'll see. If he says it again, I'll ask. Thank you!
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    #4
    If you think there is a chance he's being serious about it then I'd bring it up and re-iterate all the things you want to accomplish before you're ready for marriage. If it were me I'd be upfront and honest with him about it, if you could see marriage at some point down the road then tell him that but you're obviously not ready now so he needs to know because if his suggestions are serious then you may be in two different places in the same relationship.


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    #5
    Well, getting married doesn't mean you can just 'go' over there with him. It is much more involved in that. You can go over there whenever you want without being married. Marriage doesn't guarantee you can go over there in relation to the military. Marriage will get you BAH and medical, that's about it, it won't guarantee you can go overseas command sponsored.

    Why doesn't he try to get stationed at Charleston? Its a joint base (Navy and Air Force). Not sure if he is able with his job or what not, but if he wants to move to Charleston to be with you, why doesn't he consider being stationed there instead of trying for Annapolis?

    And, lastly I agree with the others. Flat out ask him if he's being serious and have a conversation about it.

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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Cedes View Post
    Thanks. I personally still feel we are in the "feeling each other out" phase. I wouldn't be surprised if the whole "I'm here in a foreign country and miss having my so around and about do be deployed and don't want to lose her-itis" is kicking in, but we'll see. If he says it again, I'll ask. Thank you!
    I like the name for the diagnosis and I think there is a possibility that he has it. Like others have said, have a serious talk about it and see where it goes from there.
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    #7
    To be honest he might just be lonely since he's in a foreign country alone. If you're ready to have the conversation for marriage, say you want to talk seriously about it. If not, say something like "I know you miss me but I'm not ready for the marriage conversation yet, so lets table the idea of me coming back with you as your wife".


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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by TrishAFSpouse View Post
    Well, getting married doesn't mean you can just 'go' over there with him. It is much more involved in that. You can go over there whenever you want without being married. Marriage doesn't guarantee you can go over there in relation to the military. Marriage will get you BAH and medical, that's about it, it won't guarantee you can go overseas command sponsored.

    Why doesn't he try to get stationed at Charleston? Its a joint base (Navy and Air Force). Not sure if he is able with his job or what not, but if he wants to move to Charleston to be with you, why doesn't he consider being stationed there instead of trying for Annapolis?

    And, lastly I agree with the others. Flat out ask him if he's being serious and have a conversation about it.
    Oh, I'm aware I can't just go. I know about rank/family issues, and BAH and command sponsorship, etc. This isn't my first rodeo looking into any of this. My ex-fiance was debating on taking a two-year stint in the Philippines and we looked into me going with him. My current "SO" a Machinist-Mate, based in Steam Engineering, so chances are that he wouldn't be able to come to Charleston, there's nothing really for his rate there. He wants to be an officer, and his dream is to be CO on one of the Vintage/museum ships that exist, hence Annapolis. I and he are also aware of the restrictions of being there regarding relationships, and whatnot. He's also thrown out the idea of going to school for engineering near Charleston if he can't get into Annapolis/gets different orders after the boat he's on is decommissioned.

    Basically, I think he's still in the "new to the navy I have all these options possible if I try and I'm not sure what I want" phase. He was raised by his grandfather, who is a retired Chief. My best solution is probably to have a chat with him if/when he brings us up again in a FaceTime convo longer than 10 minutes . I know what is at stake here, I know the sacrifice, I know this is a hard life if chosen. I just wanted your ladies's advice on how to handle this. I do see myself maybe marrying him, but I've also seen a lot of my friends relationships and marriages fail because they rushed it. I don't believe in rushing it because you are "in the moment" or "so in love" If it's worth fighting for, you can wait, at least for now. I don't think he would make any moves in one direction or another until after he gets back, but we'll see.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by pftube View Post
    To be honest he might just be lonely since he's in a foreign country alone. If you're ready to have the conversation for marriage, say you want to talk seriously about it. If not, say something like "I know you miss me but I'm not ready for the marriage conversation yet, so lets table the idea of me coming back with you as your wife".
    I am no where near being ready for marriage. My last venture into that world ended horribly...I'm not opposed, but I'm not going to even consider rushing into it. And his tone has been mostly joking, but I get a hint that he is entertaining the thought, at least in a minute sense. I definitely think he's lonely. He hangs out with his fellow sailors, but he likes companionship and that support structure.
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    #10
    How long have you been exclusive? The benfits of dating is that you have time to make sure things stick and they're willing to wait
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