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Thread: Why does he say/do this?

  1. Regular Member
    Midnightkitty's Avatar
    Midnightkitty is offline
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    Mar 2013

    Confused Why does he say/do this?

    ....and is it right?

    My boyfriend and I have been spending a good deal of time together lately. (He just got back from deployment so yeah lol) The only thing is, that I've noticed an interesting trend. Before he left, I was very nervous about letting my boyfriend touch me. I mean, like, everything. Hugs were okay, but kissing and holding hands, or even deeper than that. He was very patient about it and loved me all the way through it. I love that about him, that he didn't give up on me just because I didn't give him physical touch.

    However, I changed while he was away. I'm okay with those things now. I told him this, and he was overjoyed to say the least. He knows my limits, and of course tries to push them a little. I actually really understand this. I know even really nice guys can take advantage of that sometimes.

    So, the above doesn't bother me. What does bother me however, is that we've been getting really serious when we weren't before his deployment. And we've known each other for at least 6+ years. In that time, he has visited my parents ONCE. And only for a few hours. Ever since then, he has never made the effort to come over and visit them. He doesn't come to my door to pick me up unless asked, and does not stop in when he drops me off. Heck I've only met his mother once and that was when we all went to the fair. Ever since then, he has never asked me to meet them.

    This didn't bother me before, but it does now. My sister's boyfriend does that alot (to be fair he's a REALLY social guy where my boyfriend isn't.) and I want the same from mine. We have alot of fun together as a family and I think he would really enjoy spending time with us. I would also love to get to know his family. Plus, my family sees it as disrespect not to come to the door to pick me up or drop me off. (I told him this the other night and he was reaction was- 'ah...I thought so') If you thought so then WHY DON'T YOU DO IT?!

    So I guess the thing I want to ask is, would any of you ladies put up with this? I am very patient with him because he really is VERY antisocial. With anyone else I would have given them the boot. And guys, is this normal?

    Thanks for reading, I know it's long but I could really use the opinions!
  2. Regular Member
    GunpowderNLead's Avatar
    GunpowderNLead is offline
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    May 2012
    Ok so I am a little mean about things like this....If he wants me to go out with him then NO he can not just "Drive up and honk" and if he does he has to either get out of his car and come to the door or go wherever it was on his own. Might mean an angry home-alone night for me but its a respect thing. I mean sure if I say "hey I am almost ready I will meet you on the drive." sure fine but to expect it...HELL NO.

    I think there is also a high school drama movie about something like this. This guy got hurt because his girl left him for the jerk so he turned into a jerk (because girls dig jerks --- HA) and when he fell for another girl she made him learn how to be the nice guy and respect women again....Sort of the same way I described above.

    Maybe try saying "hey look you dont have to say hi to my parents when you pick me up but I would like you to at least meet me at the door and I would feel safer if you walked me back to the door (especially if its dark)" just start by having him do little things that shows he really does respect you and wants to work to stay with you. And maybe one night say "I havent talked to your mom in a while, can we go see her?"

    I probably wouldnt leave him for these offenses, they do seem a bit minor to just up and dump him, but I would definitely work on it with him and point out that it upsets you too (not just your parents). Dont be afraid to invite him to a family BBQ or something that is casual/relaxed.
  3. Senior Member
    villanelle's Avatar
    villanelle is offline
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    If it's something that was important to me, I'd just tell him flat out that from now on, i need him to come to the door when he picks me up. I'd explain that it doesn't have to be a big ordeal and that for the first handful of times especially, I'd make sure to be ready and waiting and I'd make sure we got out quickly so he didn't have to longer with everyone, since he's uncomfortable with that. Start that way and as he gets comfortable, maybe you can bring up other things.

    Don't be afraid to express your needs to him. You need this in order to feel respected, and a decent guy is going to respect that.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
  4. "If you don't like my attitude, quit talking to me"
    TrishAFSpouse's Avatar
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    I'd seriously question why he won't come to your door, sit with your family, or vice versa.

    For me, that would be a HUGE issue. If my bf of 6 years had only met my family (and mine his) only one time and then wouldn't even ask to do it more, it'd be a big problem for me, maybe even a deal breaker.

    There are 10 types of people in the world, those that understand binary and those that don't
  5. Banned
    gunsgirl's Avatar
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    Jul 2007
    When DH and I started dating - I did not even have him come to my home for 3 months. he did not even meet my kids for all that time.
    I met him either at his place or where ever we were going.
    after that if he came to pick me up he came to the door IF I was not out waiting for him.
    he rarely came inside for the first 6 months, and then I finally invited him for dinner, and I cooked for him and the kids.
    then I got the go- ahead from the kids, he said the kids were great ect.
    it was 6 years before he even met my parents. I met his 3 years after we got married.
    now that my dad lives close by I just tell him were having dinner at my dad's or my dad wants to see him while he is home. and he goes. in 17 years he has never once said "hey lets go see your parents". niether one of us 'talk' to the parents very often, I do not call my IL's to "chat" and he only calls my dad when needed and never to 'chat". It is just the way it is, not right not wrong.
    each families dinamics are different.
  6. Regular Member
    Midnightkitty's Avatar
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    I think what I'll do next time we talk is plan how we're going to do this. Like a few of have said, it doesn't have to be some big thing. Just take baby steps. I talked about it with my folks and they are cool with it. Baby steps mom says, baby steps.

    Thanks for all the advice. just good to know sometimes that something like this doesn't have to be a big thing. Though it does need to be done in my eyes. Heck, if I had a daughter I would wanna know who she was hanging out with.
  7. Senior Member
    katebugg07's Avatar
    katebugg07 is offline
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    DH is unsocial and awkward and it took him a little while to warm up to my whole family but he hung out with my sister who I lived with after about 6 months and after about 9 10 months he was ok with hanging out with everyone. I tried not to push it but I made it clear it was important to me that he spent time with my family and he made an effort, we never went out on dates so he never picked me up or dropped me off so that was not really an issue

    "We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."
    Dr. Seuss
  8. Senior Member
    Southern-queen's Avatar
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    Like you said, he isn't very social. Perhaps he has anxiety about being around your parents? I personally don't see it as a big deal. I personally wouldn't be upset or bothered by it and if my parents were I would tell them to get over it. But since you are, you need to sit him down and discuss this and tell him that he needs to try to make more of an effort to come to the door when he comes picks you up. In the beginning it doesn't have to be every time. He doesn't have to sit and hang out with you parents for a hour playing friends. Just come to the door, ask for you and acknowledge your parents. Gradually (I assume) he will get more used to it and it would happen more often. But like I said, you just need to talk not just make a random comment.
  9. Senior Member
    Katayoun's Avatar
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    May 2012
    If it's important to you, he should make it important to him. Have you told him it's important to you? Anyone that doesn't see the value of that gets kicked to the curb, in my world.

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