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Thread: Would you consider this cheating?

  1. han
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    #1

    Would you consider this cheating?

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    Sorry this is a tad long and silly...haha. DB is my first really serious relationship, and I was pretty immature and nervous during the beginning. Which you will soon read about.

    I personally would say that I haven't cheated on DB, but he has a little bit of a different stance on it, which I understand. We met in July the summer before I went to college...hung out all summer, went on dates, blah blah blah, but never made anything official and never talked about being exclusive. When I left, he gave me the whole "just forget about me, have a normal college experience" speech. I boo-hooed like a baby lol because forgetting him was the last thing I wanted. During my orientation week at college, I was all upset over him and had one too many at a bar and kissed a guy there. It was a one time thing, and didn't go past the kiss, and I didn't tell him at the time, just because I didn't think it to be important.

    We continued to talk until he went to bootcamp in October. Through that whole time though, he kept reminding me to "do the normal college thing and pursue other guys if I wanted to". Of course I didn't want to, but he had initially said (like, way back in July) that he didn't want a relationship when he went to the military, so I wasn't really sure where we stood and I was too nervous to just ask him (sigh......) Anyway, the night before bootcamp, he called me and said he loved me, but that it "wasn't a big deal" and that "he loves lots of people", which was a little ambiguous and kinda funny in retrospect haha. I did say it back, but his little clarification made me feel like he meant it as a "friend", which I now know probably wasn't the case. We wrote letters while he was at boot, but still...not official. A few weeks later, out at a bar after a few too many again, I kissed another guy. Again, just the kiss, nothing else. I think this one is a little stickier than the previous time though, even though we *technically* were of the same relationship status. I dunno.

    After he came back from boot camp we became official/exclusive, and are now happily in love and doin' our thang and have been for a while I did tell him about those times later, FWIW. But...my question is, would you consider those incidents to be cheating?

    I know everyone defines cheating differently and it all depends on your specific relationship, but if you were DB, would you call it cheating?

    He kinda does, kinda doesn't, and I respect his right to feel however he wants to feel about it. We've definitely moved past it, but I can't help but to be curious what anyone else thinks...
  2. Senior Member
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    #2
    No, you were casually dating, not official. I wouldn't consider anything you did with another man cheating until after he was done boot camp when you became official.
  3. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #3
    I wouldn't. DH and I were both seeing other people when we met and I think it would be ridiculous for either of us to assume exclusivity to just be a default state. Dating is just that, it's not a claim on me or anything else I do. If he wanted exclusivity he should have told you and it sounds like he did pretty much the exact opposite, multiple times.

    Now to be fair to him, I can see how he wouldn't be thrilled to hear about it, but I think calling it cheating would be a just a leeeeetle bit of an overstatement.
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    #4
    I do not think that you cheated. He gave you every indication that you two were not in a relationship at the time.
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    #5
    Absolutely not. Not only were you unofficial but he was TELLING you to pursue other guys.
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    #6
    I agree with PP. It's not cheating if ya'll were not exclusive.
    " u know those things that are like candy canes that taste like christmas in ur mouth what are those called?" " umm candy canes?" "Yeahhhh" R.I.P Christian

    907Kim is my wifey
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    #7
    Not at all. He as actively telling you to pursue other potential romantic interests. That alone right there says you guys weren't together. Now if you started kissing other guys I'd be a little worried, but before, no.

    Perhaps he is confused at his true feelings. He as all "go with other guys" then "I love you" followed by "but I love everyone" and then now you are together, so perhaps he knows he cares for you, but everything is a little new and confusing to him too.

    I'm sure it will pass, good luck to you guys!
  8. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Yabos View Post
    Absolutely not. Not only were you unofficial but he was TELLING you to pursue other guys.
    this.
  9. Super Speshil
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    #9
    Nope. If there was no official discussion about establishing a relationship or exclusivity then it wasn't cheating.
    Pax, Aeon
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    #10
    That's not cheating at all. You weren't official and he was being wishy washy about his feelings.
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