My husband and I have been together for almost 22 years (married 14, minus the year of separation) and have been through some really (really) bad years. We separated for 14 months - I moved back to CA while he stayed in GA until he PCS'd to WA - and reconciled last year and it has been a work in progress since.
Some background: he joined the Army 5 years ago, during a peak of shortened hours and layoffs in 2008. Although we'd never considered ourselves "old" - we both definitely felt it when we entered this communitySorry, sidetracked...so anyyyyways - we were first stationed in GA, near Savanah - which being a west coast girl / family was a huge adjustment! I was able to keep my job in San Diego and work remotely from home but other than that - our lives were changed in a way that only truly hit me when he first deployed...I was away from family and friends and while the kids (5) adjusted fairly well (with the exception of my oldest who had just started her junior year in high school when we made her come to GA to help me while he was gone - she was not happy!) I was pretty much alone...like really alone (or so I felt at the time). So I threw myself back into school (online, was working on my BA) and started coaching my son's soccer team.
That year apart completely changed me / us. I had never been away from DH for longer than a few weeks since I was 14 (the first few weeks of BT was horrible for both of us and knowing that, I moved to GA with him for AIT). Deployment, while it got easier month by month - was pretty much me coming into my independence (so to speak). I was basically a single mother. And lonely...missing him so much it hurt, physically at times. That got easier too. We both got caught up in the day to day. By the 7th month of his absence, he wasn't always calling or skyping everyday ( I would try to contact him if I didn't hear from him, but normally didn't get a response)...sometimes he wouldn't contact me for 2 to 4 days at a time - I understood, but it still made me really sad (and mad sometimes) because I waited for those calls...that was the highlight of my day. We started drifting and I started talking to someone from work![]()
I honestly didn't realize where we were headed until it dawned on me that I had actually started to look forward to this guy's IM's. Needless to say, I went down that path, shocking not only myself but everyone closest to me. So - I separated from my DH when he came back from deploymentI didn't tell him everything (I admit I was scared) - only told him I had to leave, that I had feelings for someone else and couldn't stay...he laughed, actually laughed - thinking there was no way this could be true and let me go, believing I would be back soon. This was in Oct / Nov 2010. I got an apartment and continued on with my "affair" - he was married too but told me "he was leaving her / didn't love her" blah blah. Looking back, I was a total idiot for falling for this guys lies, but I did what I did and listened to no one.
Fast forward into 2011 - everything fell apart with my family and with the guy's family when his wife found out. Turns out he didn't want to leave and wanted to try with her again. He waffled for a good 5-6 months before cutting me out completely. And my family, who advised me that he was lying / using me, well I didn't take that too well and ended up alienating myself from them.
So, a brokenhearted / disillusioned me emerged. Afraid to trust (I had never questioned the things the other guy told me, took everything as truth. When I did question anything, he always had a good answer ready. I wasn't used to lying as my DH and I are pretty straightforward people - no need for BS).
After a few months, my DH and I began working towards a reconciliation. He knew I was resistant to it (I felt that too much had transpired in our time apart) but he really wanted our family back together and I felt it couldn't hurt anymore than what we've already been through, so why not? We have now been back together for a year and we still struggle with the past occassionally. Little things trigger the remembering, for both of us. I also find that I withhold a part of myself for him now, not purposely but I do. I am ok with going to sleep and not touching - we used to sleep with our legs tangled or one of us holding the other...always physically connected. I am ok with a lot of things I wouldn't have been ok with just 2 years ago. And we are nowhere near as active (intimate) as we were.
Sorry for the novel, just wanted to give some insight into this. I love my husband. I always will, but things have definitely changed for both of us. There is still a lot of anger in him, towards both me and the other guy. I tried therapy / counseling but he got pissed when I told him what my therapists thoughts were in regards to us. He refuses to go to counseling, alone or together. We have good days and we have bad days...horrible things have been said to each other and yet we keep moving forward, like we both block it. I just don't know if we'll ever get past this.
Has anyone been through anything similar? Any thoughts or advice?
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