Separated for a little over a year, reconciled and working on our relationship...

[Oldskool]

My husband and I have been together for almost 22 years (married 14, minus the year of separation) and have been through some really (really) bad years. We separated for 14 months - I moved back to CA while he stayed in GA until he PCS'd to WA - and reconciled last year and it has been a work in progress since.

Some background: he joined the Army 5 years ago, during a peak of shortened hours and layoffs in 2008. Although we'd never considered ourselves "old" - we both definitely felt it when we entered this community Sorry, sidetracked...so anyyyyways - we were first stationed in GA, near Savanah - which being a west coast girl / family was a huge adjustment! I was able to keep my job in San Diego and work remotely from home but other than that - our lives were changed in a way that only truly hit me when he first deployed...I was away from family and friends and while the kids (5) adjusted fairly well (with the exception of my oldest who had just started her junior year in high school when we made her come to GA to help me while he was gone - she was not happy!) I was pretty much alone...like really alone (or so I felt at the time). So I threw myself back into school (online, was working on my BA) and started coaching my son's soccer team.

That year apart completely changed me / us. I had never been away from DH for longer than a few weeks since I was 14 (the first few weeks of BT was horrible for both of us and knowing that, I moved to GA with him for AIT). Deployment, while it got easier month by month - was pretty much me coming into my independence (so to speak). I was basically a single mother. And lonely...missing him so much it hurt, physically at times. That got easier too. We both got caught up in the day to day. By the 7th month of his absence, he wasn't always calling or skyping everyday ( I would try to contact him if I didn't hear from him, but normally didn't get a response)...sometimes he wouldn't contact me for 2 to 4 days at a time - I understood, but it still made me really sad (and mad sometimes) because I waited for those calls...that was the highlight of my day. We started drifting and I started talking to someone from work

I honestly didn't realize where we were headed until it dawned on me that I had actually started to look forward to this guy's IM's. Needless to say, I went down that path, shocking not only myself but everyone closest to me. So - I separated from my DH when he came back from deployment I didn't tell him everything (I admit I was scared) - only told him I had to leave, that I had feelings for someone else and couldn't stay...he laughed, actually laughed - thinking there was no way this could be true and let me go, believing I would be back soon. This was in Oct / Nov 2010. I got an apartment and continued on with my "affair" - he was married too but told me "he was leaving her / didn't love her" blah blah. Looking back, I was a total idiot for falling for this guys lies, but I did what I did and listened to no one.

Fast forward into 2011 - everything fell apart with my family and with the guy's family when his wife found out. Turns out he didn't want to leave and wanted to try with her again. He waffled for a good 5-6 months before cutting me out completely. And my family, who advised me that he was lying / using me, well I didn't take that too well and ended up alienating myself from them.

So, a brokenhearted / disillusioned me emerged. Afraid to trust (I had never questioned the things the other guy told me, took everything as truth. When I did question anything, he always had a good answer ready. I wasn't used to lying as my DH and I are pretty straightforward people - no need for BS).

After a few months, my DH and I began working towards a reconciliation. He knew I was resistant to it (I felt that too much had transpired in our time apart) but he really wanted our family back together and I felt it couldn't hurt anymore than what we've already been through, so why not? We have now been back together for a year and we still struggle with the past occassionally. Little things trigger the remembering, for both of us. I also find that I withhold a part of myself for him now, not purposely but I do. I am ok with going to sleep and not touching - we used to sleep with our legs tangled or one of us holding the other...always physically connected. I am ok with a lot of things I wouldn't have been ok with just 2 years ago. And we are nowhere near as active (intimate) as we were.

Sorry for the novel, just wanted to give some insight into this. I love my husband. I always will, but things have definitely changed for both of us. There is still a lot of anger in him, towards both me and the other guy. I tried therapy / counseling but he got pissed when I told him what my therapists thoughts were in regards to us. He refuses to go to counseling, alone or together. We have good days and we have bad days...horrible things have been said to each other and yet we keep moving forward, like we both block it. I just don't know if we'll ever get past this.

Has anyone been through anything similar? Any thoughts or advice?

[bdizzle]

I know he says he doesn't want to go to therapy together, but for me that would be the bottom line. If he truly wants to improve your relationship he should be willing to try anything, both of you should.

[Wild*Rose]

im with pftube he needs to go to therapy with you or youre not going to both be happy. honestly i think his anger towards you and this other guys is justified but if he wants your family back together and to make this work he needs to try to make it work...you cant live your life with a man who is permanently mad at you forever you need to either work this out or let it be done.

sorry if that sounds mean

[Oldskool]

I know he says he doesn't want to go to therapy together, but for me that would be the bottom line. If he truly wants to improve your relationship he should be willing to try anything, both of you should.

I totally agree. He has said a few times that he would be willing, but when I actually take steps to make it happen he backs out. Its very frustrating.

[Oldskool]

im with pftube he needs to go to therapy with you or youre not going to both be happy. honestly i think his anger towards you and this other guys is justified but if he wants your family back together and to make this work he needs to try to make it work...you cant live your life with a man who is permanently mad at you forever you need to either work this out or let it be done.

sorry if that sounds mean

Not at all - and I was / am of the same mindset (about the anger being justified, etc.) Cheating / infidelity is NEVER acceptable. I'd like to think the saying of "once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't true in my case. There is a lot more history behind what happened and why, but the bottom line is that it was wrong and never should have happened.

[twistertwin]

My exDH and I separated for a bit in the middle of our marriage. We had been married a few years. We did separate due to infidelity. Counseling was the only way we were able to reconcile. You both need a safe place to release your emotions.

It's completely normal to have trust and intimacy issues, on both your parts. For the time being, I know it seems easier to sweep it under the rug and pretend it's in the past. But, trust me, it has to be worked out. Otherwise resentment can build up on both your sides.

Another option is a marriage retreat. You can get info through the chaplain's office. It can be a good starting point to break the ice and work on moving forward.

If you need anything, feel free to PM me. We worked through our issues temporarily. However, he wasn't able to stay faithful and after 10 years, we divorced. I know it can be hard to get back together after a separation.

[Oldskool]

My exDH and I separated for a bit in the middle of our marriage. We had been married a few years. We did separate due to infidelity. Counseling was the only way we were able to reconcile. You both need a safe place to release your emotions.

It's completely normal to have trust and intimacy issues, on both your parts. For the time being, I know it seems easier to sweep it under the rug and pretend it's in the past. But, trust me, it has to be worked out. Otherwise resentment can build up on both your sides.

Another option is a marriage retreat. You can get info through the chaplain's office. It can be a good starting point to break the ice and work on moving forward.

If you need anything, feel free to PM me. We worked through our issues temporarily. However, he wasn't able to stay faithful and after 10 years, we divorced. I know it can be hard to get back together after a separation.

I'm sorry to hear that (about what happened with your exDH )

I really like your marriage retreat suggestion, I think it would be great to work on things without having to worry if small ears will overhear! Thank you

[fallinstar]

I just wanted to give you some . I don't have any experience but your post just made me want to hug you! I'm always open to chat!

[Oldskool]

I just wanted to give you some . I don't have any experience but your post just made me want to hug you! I'm always open to chat!

Awwww, thank you and back!

[twistertwin]

I'm sorry to hear that (about what happened with your exDH )

I really like your marriage retreat suggestion, I think it would be great to work on things without having to worry if small ears will overhear! Thank you

Thank you. It's completely okay. We are both where we are meant to be now. Plus, otherwise, I wouldn't have met my DH. It all worked out for the best.

Retreats are really amazing. Most of them have a bit of a spiritual element with them, since the chaplain runs them, but they are informative and it's paid for. It can be a great way to reconnect and get some issues out on the table, in a safe way.