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  1. Senior Member
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    #1

    When did you have...

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    Important life discussions with your SO? I'm talking the old money, careers, children, beliefs, values etc. etc. What were some things that you knew you couldn't compromise on?

    So I just started seeing someone () he is quite wonderful. We agreed to be exclusive, but he said there were a few things he wanted to talk about before being bf/gf. He said these are things that would ultimately come up in 6, 12, however many months down the road and he'd rather just talk about them now. He said he was at a point in his life he didn't want to just date (he is 30) for the sake of dating.

    I guess I was rather surprised. I really love that he is open and honest and just lays everything out but I have typically had those conversations after a few months of dating (or with my ex, never ), but not before actually dating.

    I am also wondering what were/would be some ultimate deal breakers? Religion has come up a few things with us. He is very (very) atheist, he does not believe in God, does not go to church, said he would never bring his children to churchyou get the picture. I, on the other hand, go to church, love my faith, but it has always been a private and personal thing. I am just struggling with deciding now if I can keep my faith a personal thing while seriously committing to seomeone who is deeply not-religious. Would this be an issue for you?
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    #2
    I don't really know. I think a few things we talked about before we even met...although they were just random conversations as we were just going to be friends since I was moving 2 hours away within like 2-3 weeks . Other things just kind of gradually come up, mostly within the first few months. With that being said we were also 18 and 23, so neither one of us was looking for anything entirely serious even in looking for relationships so we weren't really concerned with getting that all out of the way even after we decided to start dating.

    The only relationship things I have that are dealbreakers for me are cheating and abuse and an unwillingness to work (although when I met him he was jobless but he was using his GI Bill for school.) I am not a religious person, but I don't have an issue with religion or allowing children to explore religion, and I really cant think of anything else that is usually a huge issue. Oh, but I did eventually want kids...but even that was kind of borderline as it wasn't something I just haaaaaaaaaaaaaad to do.

    ETA: And that is awesome that you found someone wonderful
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    #3
    i actually like that he wants to talk about it!!! that so cool and i can def see his point about being past the age of dating just to date. personally i like the idea of getting wants/ desires and expectations out in the open before either of you gets attached.

    for me personally a deal breaker would be if a guy didnt want to get married and have kids...but thats just where i am in my life and what i want....

    dont settle for anything that is going to make you unhappy in the future ie the religion thing...
  4. I'm not drunk, you're just blurry.
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by CDNTrish View Post
    Important life discussions with your SO? I'm talking the old money, careers, children, beliefs, values etc. etc. What were some things that you knew you couldn't compromise on?

    So I just started seeing someone () he is quite wonderful. We agreed to be exclusive, but he said there were a few things he wanted to talk about before being bf/gf. He said these are things that would ultimately come up in 6, 12, however many months down the road and he'd rather just talk about them now. He said he was at a point in his life he didn't want to just date (he is 30) for the sake of dating.

    I guess I was rather surprised. I really love that he is open and honest and just lays everything out but I have typically had those conversations after a few months of dating (or with my ex, never ), but not before actually dating.

    I am also wondering what were/would be some ultimate deal breakers? Religion has come up a few things with us. He is very (very) atheist, he does not believe in God, does not go to church, said he would never bring his children to churchyou get the picture. I, on the other hand, go to church, love my faith, but it has always been a private and personal thing. I am just struggling with deciding now if I can keep my faith a personal thing while seriously committing to seomeone who is deeply not-religious. Would this be an issue for you?
    When I first started dating DF my faith was something I just swept to the side because I had a really negative attitude about a lot of things and I just didn't see how church was going to help. Faith and God were extremely important to DF and for the sake of trying I started to go to church again with him and my family and now I love it. I wouldn't imagine doing things differently but had I not been open to the concept of trying to get back into church I really don't think our relationship would of worked out, that was something that he felt too strongly about.

    NOW not saying this can't work out, I'm sure it can you just have to decide what is important to you and I think it's cool he's laying it out there all on the table somewhat early now because you can decide if it's something worth pursuing I guess?

    Either way good luck I hope things work out!


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    #5
    For me, it has come up authentically in the course of our relationship. I knew early on that we both wanted kids, and that we felt similarly about money just through dating and normal conversation. Specifics, like our philosophies on raising children, etc took more time. There are some things we still haven't talked about (for instance, it's really important to me that I stay home with my kids until they are in school). However, since we aren't engaged yet, I feel like some über specifics are ok to wait on.

    I think it's awesome your new guy just layed it all out there though. Talking about that stuff and bringing it up can be difficult sometimes, so it's great that he opened up that line of communication.

    As far as the religion stuff, I'm not overly religious, because of a bad experience that I had at church when I was in highschool. However, I still think religion is important and I want my children to be introduced to it. Luckily DB feels the same way, but if he was anti religion I don't think it would bother me unless he was adamant that I couldn't bring the kids with me to church. If he's ok with you introducing religion as long as he doesn't have to participate, I would be ok with it. Having the same values about raising kids, how to treat people, and general compatibility is more important to me. Like, as long as he believes murder is wrong, same as me, I don't care WHY he believes it's wrong (his own moral code vs religion that says so). Does that make sense?
  6. Pour a little salt, we were never here
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    #6
    We had all of those conversations within a month of meeting. It seemed fairly natural, and I love that we got the big issues on the table and knew what we were getting into. We have evolved a bit over the past five years but just things like at first we kept the idea of a biological child on the table along with adopted children, but now we know we only want adopted children.

    For me, adopting if we have kids was a big thing. Homeschooling if we have kids was a big thing. Also if he had been extremely religious, I am not sure I would have been okay with that. He identified as a chirstian when we met, but never attended services, didn't read the bible, etc...so it wasn't a huge issue for me, and has since evolved out of believing in organized religion at all.

    His deal breakers were quite different, not the normal big ticket items, but rather personality traits, he wanted someone calm, and adventurous and logical (which works out sometimes ).

    Not that you should expect him to change, but if you ended up getting married/having kids, I could see his stance on "never bringing kids to church" being something that is fairly easy to compromise once he knows, loves and trusts you as a person/future mother of his kids. To me, I could easily see that becoming "You can take them, I won't go and we'll be open with the kids about our different beliefs and let them be exposed to both ideas, and choose for themselves". Now, maybe not, maybe he will never be okay with exposing kids to religion but I see that as something that you could definitely talk about more as you evolve as a couple.
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    #7
    We talked about the fact that we both wanted children at some point, how many, type of relationship, things that were important to each of us in relationships, etc. relatively early on. We both had a feeling that he clicked really well and had marriage potential on the first date but both wanted to talk about what we wanted our lives to look like before feelings got any deeper.
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    #8
    None of these things came up until after a year or so of dating. But we were really young (17) when we started dating and only really started talking about that stuff in a serious way after we decided we wanted to get married.

    As long as he was a decent human being and we got along and were capable of having conversations about sensitive topics, I don't have any deal breakers in those categories. I guess if he was expecting me to have a bunch of kids that'd be a no go, or if he wanted someone to a SAHW/SAHM that also wouldn't happen.

    I think the religion thing can work so long as everyone is respectful of each others beliefs. No making fun, no pressuring each other to change. I think children and religion is kind of important to discuss... if you want kids and if raising them a certain way in regards to religion was important to either of you.
  9. 1/2 hippie, 1/2 diva... all Jersey
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    #9
    I think its good that he laid it all out there. I started dating DH when I was still nice and jaded from the demise of my last marriage, so I pretty much laid everything out on the table because I was beyond giving a flying foogahtz about scaring him off early on. I figured the sooner I found out he wasn't for me, the better... Clearly, things went a little differently than I'd planned. Of course I mean that in a good way.

    As for religion, having been married to someone who started out agnostic, then decided he was anti-religion and atheist all together during the course of our marriage, I can absolutely say that those to features would be a deal-breaker for me. Ironically, it would also be a deal breaker if someone was fundamentally Christian or fundamentally anything. (Geez, am I hard to please or what!?!) My spirituality is not something I will ever be willing to hide or separate from my marriage.

    As for other deal breakers? Illicit/Illegal drug use. Smoking (cigs/cigars/hookahs/pipes etc...). Heavy drinking. Poor hygiene. Inactive lifestyle. Financial irresponsibility. I'm sure there's others... I'd better hang on to DH b/c I'm pretty sure I sound picky as hell right now. And I am. I'm actually really not "in love" with the idea of being married. I couldn't believe when I found myself falling in love with DH and wanting to make that commitment again.

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    #10
    We never really sat down and had a talk I suppose, it just came up in conversations for the most part. The money stuff we talked about 4-5 months in because we moved in together but everything else was just conversational.

    Ultimate deal breakers for me would be if he didn't want children eventually and beliefs on what constitutes cheating and such. ( one of my exes had some pretty different views on cheating than I did)
    Last edited by April Lynne; 03-08-2013 at 01:24 PM. Reason: smiley fail


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