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Thread: Open relationship - how is it possible?

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    #1

    Question Open relationship - how is it possible?

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    Recently I have been presented with the following situation: she, one of my friends - single, sweet girl, loooking for that guy who will take her breath away, meet him, at the first glance everything she was looking for. Flirting over messages for days, getting quite deep discussions and at times quite explicit, if you know what I mean..Just to find out now, when directly asked that he is (re-married), and has a daughter. He stated up and loud, between other things that he loves "his girls" (wife and daughter) very much, that they trust each other, that they are not caged animals and both have the freedom to do what they want and that he is definitely not looking for a relationship, he is just looking to enjoy the beautiful moments that life throws at him... aka, plain said - sleeping with my friend in this case.

    Now, I am not judging anyone. Neither him, nor my friend for whatever decision she might take from here onward. Just trying to understand.

    I am just curious, how can this be? Is it possible to love somebody and still be able to be intimate with somebody else? I can't see this being possible in my case. I could not even think about being touched by somebody else except my DB, the idea itself makes me sick and I would be deeply hurt if he felt the need to go to somebody else. I love him. Does that mean we are caged?
    How many kinds of love are there?
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    #2
    It wouldn't work for me. And you may be caged... but not all cages are made for restriction. Some are made for protection.
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    #3
    Sex is not always about love, so yes it's entirely possible to love someone and have sex with someone else.


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    I understand the concept and feel that in theory it could work for some people if sex was just a physical need for them. In reality I don't think it works very well because I feel like feelings will always get hurt/ it'll get complicated fast. How do you ensure that no feelings ever develop between you and the other partner?

    Like you, however, it would never work for me. 1) I would not be very good about sharing MY DB with anyone lol and 2) sex is as much an emotional connection for me as it is about the physical stuff, no way I'd want to have that with someone else or vice versa.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by SingWeJoyous View Post
    It wouldn't work for me. And you may be caged... but not all cages are made for restriction. Some are made for protection.
    Quote Originally Posted by pftube View Post
    Sex is not always about love, so yes it's entirely possible to love someone and have sex with someone else.

    There's not just a couple different kinds of relationships, every single relationship is different and unique to the people involved in the relationship. But just because each relationship is different does not make any of them necessarily wrong.

    "The purpose of life is not to simply be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well."
    - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by pftube View Post
    Sex is not always about love, so yes it's entirely possible to love someone and have sex with someone else.
    I agree. If it works for someone's relationship I say good for them. But, to be able to work, I would have to imagine a couple would have to have some kind of system of rules and boundaries because it would get complicated fast.
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    #7
    I can imagine how it could work for some people, but never ever ever would it work for me. I am selfish with my husband. He's mine and mine alone and that is really special to me.
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    I have posted on a message board for years and years with a woman in an open marriage. It seems to work well for her and her husband. They've been married for maybe 8-10 years, have a son, and seem to be very happy. IIRC, they have a basic set of rules (I recall something about the spouse always having veto power and if he/she says, "I don't want you seeing Pat anymore", then Pat is gone, no questions asked) and their family always comes first.

    I couldn't do it. And I especially couldn't do it in my military relationship, where our time is often already limited and constrained. You are home for 6 weeks between deployments and you want to date someone else? Not so much.

    I think everything we want in life has sacrifices. A sacrifice is not a cage. I've sacrificed the excitement that comes with a new relationship, and sacrificed being able to explore other people sexually. In exchange, I get not having to worry about diseases and not having to deal with wanting to spend time with DH and not being able to because he's got a date. An open marriage sacrifices the latter things and gets the former in exchange. No one is any more or less "caged" than they other. It's just a different give and take.
    Science always wins over bullshit. ~Dick Rutkowski
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Adria View Post
    I am just curious, how can this be?
    Easy. Polyamory, polygamy and polyandry have been around for millennia. It was the desired relationship type for quite some time before monogamy was introduced to society. Prior to monogamy being introduced polyamory or having multiple partners was a fairly standard mating practice.

    Is it possible to love somebody and still be able to be intimate with somebody else?
    Sure. I know many poly and open folks. My ex and I were open at one point in time, but then I realized deep down I'm not poly with the right person. I'm absolutely not open poly in my current relationship.
    Pax, Aeon
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    Pfff, is quite a deep and complicated subject I think. It just makes me reflect on my own situation. If it is to ask myself why I would not be ok with my DB going out and date other girls. Well besides the reason villanelle gave above that I don't have that much time with DB to start with and every minute together counts for us. But I don't think that would change if I will be with him 24/7.

    If it is to very honestly answer that question is that:
    1. I would be affraid that he will maybe find one of those dates better than me, dunno, more attractive, more experienced..so as much as i don't like the answer could it be that I am insecure about myself? Meaning the people able to do this are so self confident that nobody is better than them when it comes to their SO and they are sure their partner will always go back to them. I guess I miss that "bone" of complete self confidence in my body.

    2 . It will also make me think that there is something missing in our relationship if he feels the need to go out and search for it elsewhere. Either sexually or "thrill" wise.

    To the first point I can only try to improve my self confidence, and I am continuously working on it. But my reason to improve it is to be the best person I can be for me firstly and for him to go "wow, she's amazing and I am lucky to have her" and avoid him ever having the need described in point 2.

    If point 2 happens, well is obvious that I am not good enough for him and might as well just set him free to be with somebody that can make him happier than I can.

    I have a little life experience and have been in relationships before where the guy cheated on me or I was cheating on him because obviously were things missing in our relationship and I can say now that I didn't love the person as much as I love DB. I do get now attention, for example at the gym, handsome guys (by my standards) trying to chat me up. But no success. I am not interested. I answer politely, put my music on and carry on. I do get in my relationship all I need and more. I am not even flirty anymore. And I am quite surprised by the way I have changed since this relationship, to me is like I finally grew up. I always used to be quite flirty and enjoying all the attention I got.
    So to me the more I love him the more I want only him.

    So I don't know, maybe one day when I reach the full self confidence I will be able to open up my relationship.. or not. I guess only time will tell. And if he still chooses to go away, probably was never meant to be mine.
    I am also curious to have this chat with him when he's back, I am curios how does he see it. So far he only told me that if I would be with other guys he will be jealous and would be a problem. But I have the blessing to be with other girls So looks like he is in the same boat like me.
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