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Thread: Do you?

  1. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #1

    Do you?

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    I was poking around on the internet this evening and came across someone writing about marriage. They said that they key to a happy marriage is focusing more on your spouse than on yourself. How are they feeling, what do they need, what are they thinking, what would they like to do, etc. If each partner focuses on those things and takes care of the other person, then both people in the marriage are cared for and feel loved. It made me pause and do some honest introspection and I realized that while I do think about my husband and consider him, I think about myself and my needs more than his. And I think about Aubree's more than either of ours. But while it's alright for me to tend to Aubree's needs, I do need to make sure that I consciously think about my husband's needs more often than my own.

    What about you? When your spouse comes home and you've both had a long day, do you think about how you would like to relax, or do you think about how to facilitate them relaxing? When you're planning dinner, are you thinking about what you're in the mood for, or do you try and plan around your spouse's preferences? When you have extra spending money or a gift card, do you think about what you would like for the house, or do you ask your spouse what's been on their list? I know that many of those things can overlap, but who does your mind go to first most of the time?
    ​​​

    “Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.” -- Carl Sagan

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    #2
    I'm not married, but DB and I have been together for four years so I don't think I'm speaking out of turn too badly.

    For us, no. This doesn't work. We naturally cater to one another and neglect ourselves. I think the key is balance between doing what's right for you while highly considering your partner. He and I take the approach of not "What do you want/What do I want" it's "what do we want" Some people need to be told to be selfless. DB and I have to remember to love ourselves because that's just how we are.
  3. Navy Wife Extraordinaire
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    #3
    While DF and I don't live together yet, when we ARE together I tend to focus on him and his needs more than own. And he does the same, thinking of me before him. Hopefully it's something we can maintain once we are together on a more regular basis.

    I do agree though with that a child would come first before thinking of my SO.
  4. I was the perfect mom, until I had kids.
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    #4
    I think it's a beautiful idea in retrospect, but that being said, it would really need to be something that both parties are on board with and putting in a conscience effort to make it work. If only one person is able to keep up their end, than the spouse doing all the giving is going to eventually feel unappreciated.

    So...yes, it would probably make for a healthy relationship if both people could give the same amount, or close to it, but I don't know how realistic that is for every couple.


    As for if I do it. It depends on what's going on. Landon is always my first priority, but depending on the circumstances DH may be my second, or I may be. I tend to think of DH before myself, but again, it's all circumstantial.


  5. In vino veritas
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by photographerkate View Post
    I'm not married, but DB and I have been together for four years so I don't think I'm speaking out of turn too badly.

    For us, no. This doesn't work. We naturally cater to one another and neglect ourselves. I think the key is balance between doing what's right for you while highly considering your partner. He and I take the approach of not "What do you want/What do I want" it's "what do we want" Some people need to be told to be selfless. DB and I have to remember to love ourselves because that's just how we are.
    ITA. I dont think you should put more effort into your SO. I think if you do that, its easy for a lot of women to lose themselves. I think it needs to be a delicate balance. At the end of the day its your life, and you are responsible for your own happiness, sorrows, trials and how you manage it all. You can have help, but it comes down to you.
  6. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #6
    Well ... I don't think that would work well for DH and I. We just recently had to iron out a few wrinkles because I was so un-focused on myself that I wasn't even communicating to him what I wanted and needed. Like with this new job offer I have, he was like "Finally something makes you happy." And I didn't know what he meant, but he told me that all the time he is telling me about his hopes and dreams and even with the little things, like asking for me to cook him a certain food or run some errands for him when he's busy. But he never knows what I want or if I'm happy because I'm always asking about him and I bottle it up. If he asks me what I want I say "nothing" or I say "I just want you to be happy" and that's not enough for him. It was seriously upsetting him. So ... for us it's best to do it 50/50.
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    #7
    Pfffft lol basically never. If he's sick or hurt or if he's had a terrible day, then yeah. Otherwise I probably consider myself first.

    I'm not really into servitude though. We are our own people, I don't feel responsible for his happiness and I don't think he feels responsible for mine. I try to make him feel better when he needs it and I do consider him and I'm not selfish, but ultimately I'm not all about doing what makes HIM happy.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Dr.VinoVet View Post
    ITA. I dont think you should put more effort into your SO. I think if you do that, its easy for a lot of women to lose themselves. I think it needs to be a delicate balance. At the end of the day its your life, and you are responsible for your own happiness, sorrows, trials and how you manage it all. You can have help, but it comes down to you.
    I used to almost coddle DB. He was going through so much in his life and I caused him even more stress. He finally yelled at me (he never yelled so it got my attention) "I'm not a child! Do what you want!" and explained that me being in good health both mentally and physically is what makes him the happiest. Focusing so much on that other person gets out of hand for some people.
  9. I was the perfect mom, until I had kids.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by photographerkate View Post
    I'm not married, but DB and I have been together for four years so I don't think I'm speaking out of turn too badly.

    For us, no. This doesn't work. We naturally cater to one another and neglect ourselves. I think the key is balance between doing what's right for you while highly considering your partner. He and I take the approach of not "What do you want/What do I want" it's "what do we want" Some people need to be told to be selfless. DB and I have to remember to love ourselves because that's just how we are.
    Quote Originally Posted by photographerkate View Post
    I used to almost coddle DB. He was going through so much in his life and I caused him even more stress. He finally yelled at me (he never yelled so it got my attention) "I'm not a child! Do what you want!" and explained that me being in good health both mentally and physically is what makes him the happiest. Focusing so much on that other person gets out of hand for some people.

    I'm just going to follow you around this thread and go:



  10. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #10
    I think it's more important to care about the family as a whole than to focus on your partner. It doesn't do the relationship any good in you're not practicing self-care and getting yourself to a point where you are happy so that there can be a possibility for a happy marriage.

    That being said, with the amount of distance that we have between the two of us right now DH and I have to focus on ourselves primarily because that's what the other person needs us to do. I guess in a roundabout way it is trying to fulfill his needs by taking the time to care about myself.
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