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Thread: Ex might stop me from moving with my kids for my Army boyfriend

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    Ex might stop me from moving with my kids for my Army boyfriend

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    I have been dating a guy in the army for a year now and want to know if anyone has been in a similar situation as mine and would like some advice. We met online and then finally met in person and hit it off and he lives near me now for the time being, however by next summer he will be moving out of state and the thought of that kills me! We are very serious and in love and I want to go with him so bad, however I am divorced and have 2 kids and their father lives near us and we share custody and I am not sure he will let me move with the kids without a fight. My boyfriend has kids as well, but they live with their mother and is not really an issue. We have talked about a future together and he said he wouldn't move me without marrying me, but even with that I don't know how my ex will react to moving the kids, which would be for at least 2-3 years. I hate to take them away from their dad, but I know it could be a good experience for them and I know I have the support of my boyfriend and he is good with my kids and they like him as well. I would love nothing more than to be with my man and my kids, but afraid their dad would stop us. I have not mentioned it to my ex yet, because we don't know where my bf will be going yet, plus I don't know how to approach it. I assume I should/would get advice from an attorney? Anyone had this situation or know someone that has and how did it go? Thanks for any help!
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by lelem77 View Post
    I have been dating a guy in the army for a year now and want to know if anyone has been in a similar situation as mine and would like some advice. We met online and then finally met in person and hit it off and he lives near me now for the time being, however by next summer he will be moving out of state and the thought of that kills me! We are very serious and in love and I want to go with him so bad, however I am divorced and have 2 kids and their father lives near us and we share custody and I am not sure he will let me move with the kids without a fight. My boyfriend has kids as well, but they live with their mother and is not really an issue. We have talked about a future together and he said he wouldn't move me without marrying me, but even with that I don't know how my ex will react to moving the kids, which would be for at least 2-3 years. I hate to take them away from their dad, but I know it could be a good experience for them and I know I have the support of my boyfriend and he is good with my kids and they like him as well. I would love nothing more than to be with my man and my kids, but afraid their dad would stop us. I have not mentioned it to my ex yet, because we don't know where my bf will be going yet, plus I don't know how to approach it. I assume I should/would get advice from an attorney? Anyone had this situation or know someone that has and how did it go? Thanks for any help!
    Welcome, when you get a chance please introduce yourself in the newbie section.

    As far as your situation, generally what I have seen is that if both the parents are active and positive influences in the kids lives and share custody, the kids end up having to stay put. It wouldn't be fair to them to be moved away from their dad, who appears to be an active and caring parent. Some judges also don't feel the military lifestyle is a good one for kids because of the constant moving and uprooting, so that will play a factor if you do end up having to fight for custody.

    I would wait to see where your SO is sent, and how serious you two are at that time before bringing this up to your ex or the kids.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by lelem77 View Post
    I have been dating a guy in the army for a year now and want to know if anyone has been in a similar situation as mine and would like some advice. We met online and then finally met in person and hit it off and he lives near me now for the time being, however by next summer he will be moving out of state and the thought of that kills me! We are very serious and in love and I want to go with him so bad, however I am divorced and have 2 kids and their father lives near us and we share custody and I am not sure he will let me move with the kids without a fight. My boyfriend has kids as well, but they live with their mother and is not really an issue. We have talked about a future together and he said he wouldn't move me without marrying me, but even with that I don't know how my ex will react to moving the kids, which would be for at least 2-3 years. I hate to take them away from their dad, but I know it could be a good experience for them and I know I have the support of my boyfriend and he is good with my kids and they like him as well. I would love nothing more than to be with my man and my kids, but afraid their dad would stop us. I have not mentioned it to my ex yet, because we don't know where my bf will be going yet, plus I don't know how to approach it. I assume I should/would get advice from an attorney? Anyone had this situation or know someone that has and how did it go? Thanks for any help!
    Why would moving them away from their Father be a good experience for them?

    My cousin is going through something similar in that his ex wife wanted to move to Florida and take the kids after they divorced. The judge stated she could move to Florida whenever she wanted, but the kids stayed in NC because both parents are very active in the children's lives. They share custody, so it may be different for you and your ex husband if that is not the case.
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  4. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #4
    I agree with consulting an attorney.

    In cases like this the court will look at what's best for the kids - not what mom wants or what dad wants. So that would be the perspective I would start viewing this from: is this the best thing for your kids? And if so, how can you demonstrate this to the court?



    Just to add too because it kind of made me raise an eyebrow, just because your DB doesn't have custody of his kids does not mean it's not a big issue. (Unless you mean something like he terminated his parental rights?) Being a step-parent is a big deal, and you will have to be able to handle his kids and his ex being part of your life too. Something to consider, its' not something everyone can take (for example I know I couldn't)
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    #5
    your best is to consult an attorney, but your ex has rights too and can keep the kids from moving with you.

    you may have to make a very serious desicion, leave your kids and move, stay put and break up or stay put and do the long distance thing .
  6. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
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    #6
    I was also going to add that barring some kind of serious issues, most of the time the courts will start from the default position that having both parents in their life is the best thing for the child. So you're kind of behind the 8 ball already (unless again there is some reason as to why their father being in their life is not a good thing).

    Imagine a judge asking you "Why is making it harder for their father to see them going to be the best thing for your children?" What would you say to the judge that is based on facts and evidence that can be backed up?
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    Thanks for the thoughts and advice so far. As for my comment about my guys's kids, I guess meaning he doesn't have to fight for custody or that being added to our possible issues of joining our family together, with his kids not physically being there most of the time. I am exctied to get to know his kids and for a future, but just not knowing how it can happen if I'm not allowed to move. My ex is getting ready to move in with a woman for the first time since our divorce and my kids aren't happy about it and they don't feel they can talk to him about things. I am close to my kids (who are girls ages 6 and 10) and they mention often that they wish they can be with me all the time because they get tired of going back and forth. They know that my guy will be moving and have asked me if we can go with him, but I tell them I don't know and we will have to cross that bridge when we get to it. My ex seems more involved with his own life and new woman than his own kids. I know it would be an adjustment, but I think them seeing other places and meeting new people would open them up to new experiences. I can't say the best thing for them is to move them, however I can't say having them being shuffled back and forth every other weekend and 2 days during the week is the best thing either, as my ex works odd hours and they spend half the time with my ex-mother-in-law than their dad. I want more stability for my kids. My youngest has some behavior issues, which we are working on, and my oldest has some emotional/anger issues that I take her to therapy for and we are making progress. I realize if I was to move them away that they both could have a hard time with that, but with time, love, continuing therapy and them being reassured that it's not forever and can still have a relationship with their dad, I have hopes of things being ok. I'm not naive to think that everything would be perfect if we move, but I know we can all be happy and get through it together. Luckily my guy only has a few more years until he can retire, but wish it was sooner than later.
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    #8
    Yeah, so I wouldn't let an ex move my kids out of state without a fight. Good luck I guess.



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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by lelem77 View Post
    Thanks for the thoughts and advice so far. As for my comment about my guys's kids, I guess meaning he doesn't have to fight for custody or that being added to our possible issues of joining our family together, with his kids not physically being there most of the time. I am exctied to get to know his kids and for a future, but just not knowing how it can happen if I'm not allowed to move. My ex is getting ready to move in with a woman for the first time since our divorce and my kids aren't happy about it and they don't feel they can talk to him about things. I am close to my kids (who are girls ages 6 and 10) and they mention often that they wish they can be with me all the time because they get tired of going back and forth. They know that my guy will be moving and have asked me if we can go with him, but I tell them I don't know and we will have to cross that bridge when we get to it. My ex seems more involved with his own life and new woman than his own kids. I know it would be an adjustment, but I think them seeing other places and meeting new people would open them up to new experiences. I can't say the best thing for them is to move them, however I can't say having them being shuffled back and forth every other weekend and 2 days during the week is the best thing either, as my ex works odd hours and they spend half the time with my ex-mother-in-law than their dad. I want more stability for my kids. My youngest has some behavior issues, which we are working on, and my oldest has some emotional/anger issues that I take her to therapy for and we are making progress. I realize if I was to move them away that they both could have a hard time with that, but with time, love, continuing therapy and them being reassured that it's not forever and can still have a relationship with their dad, I have hopes of things being ok. I'm not naive to think that everything would be perfect if we move, but I know we can all be happy and get through it together. Luckily my guy only has a few more years until he can retire, but wish it was sooner than later.
    If you move out of state, they will still be shuffled back and forth. You can't take them and never allow visitation just because you've moved. As for your children saying they'd rather be with you, it's normal for things like that to be said at that age. That is why they are too young to decide for themselves what their living/visitation schedule should be. My kids have gone through periods where they would rather not go back and forth, but that's not up to them. Adults make that decision based on what is best for the children and most of the time, it's not to be without one parent.

    I have remarried and was allowed to move out of state with my children to live with my husband. But, my exDH and I have a good agreement and the kids see him every month. Our agreement is to meet halfway and split costs, but I know people who have to shoulder the cost on their own. You need to be prepared for those costs if you are allowed to move. There have been times when my exDH has had to work and can't meet me, so I've driven the whole way. I would never deny my kids a chance to spend time with their father. Our divorce and my remarriage has nothing to do with their relationship, IMO.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Judi89 View Post
    Yeah, so I wouldn't let an ex move my kids out of state without a fight. Good luck I guess.
    This.
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