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Thread: marriage or no marriage

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    #1

    Neutral marriage or no marriage

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    I need some thoughts on this. I'm not sure what to think.

    This isn't the first time it was brought up, but this time something felt diffferent. Last night DB and I were talking about how I'm kinda a germaphobe. He said "you're dating the wrong person then." I replied "I choose to ignore a lot of this. Btw, you're gonna have to change some stuff for when you get married next." "Only IF I ever get married."

    (DB has been married twice. Both his exes cheated on him.)

    I could quote him verbatim on that, but that's essentially what he said. The way he said it felt very much like he was pretty set on never getting married ever again.

    He's mentioned before how he feels like a failure because he was divorced twice by age 26. He has doubts all the time. He isn't sure he's supposed to ever get married again and that maybe his divorces are a sign from God that he shouldn't get married.

    Even having said all that before, the way he said it last night felt different. I don't know... I just felt a little confused. While we are nowhere near talking about that with eachother, I kinda felt like saying, "then what's the point in us dating?" If he never wants to get married again, what's the point?

    . I'm just feeling a little lost.
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    #2
    If not getting married is something that would end a relationship for you, you need to talk to him about it.
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    #3
    How long have you guys been dating?

    I would say if you feel nowhere near ready to talk about marriage, don't make comments about him getting married in the future because that will probably prompt him to express reservations again.

    But it sounds like you know a lot about his past and you guys have discussed it, so I would just try asking him point blank if marriage is a possibility in his future. Not dropping cute little hints, just sit down when you both have some time and ask him.
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    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Malfoy View Post
    I need some thoughts on this. I'm not sure what to think.

    This isn't the first time it was brought up, but this time something felt diffferent. Last night DB and I were talking about how I'm kinda a germaphobe. He said "you're dating the wrong person then." I replied "I choose to ignore a lot of this. Btw, you're gonna have to change some stuff for when you get married next." "Only IF I ever get married."

    (DB has been married twice. Both his exes cheated on him.)

    I could quote him verbatim on that, but that's essentially what he said. The way he said it felt very much like he was pretty set on never getting married ever again.

    He's mentioned before how he feels like a failure because he was divorced twice by age 26. He has doubts all the time. He isn't sure he's supposed to ever get married again and that maybe his divorces are a sign from God that he shouldn't get married.

    Even having said all that before, the way he said it last night felt different. I don't know... I just felt a little confused. While we are nowhere near talking about that with eachother, I kinda felt like saying, "then what's the point in us dating?" If he never wants to get married again, what's the point?

    . I'm just feeling a little lost.
    He has been hurt and gone through divorce not only once, but twice, I think that has probably taken a huge toll on him when it comes to the idea of getting married. The idea probably scares him and he is fearful that if he does it again, the same outcome may happen.

    Considering you are no where near discussing that on a serious level, I wouldn't focus to much on what he said or how he said it. I probably also wouldn't bring it up even jokingly knowing how it effects him, but thats just me.
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    #5
    Maybe its just too early? DH said for a long time that he would never get married again after the stuff with his ex (his friends remind me of this all the time, lol). Maybe its just too early for him?

    I agree with asking him. He may just be feeling pushed so pushed back.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by His*PITA* View Post
    He has been hurt and gone through divorce not only once, but twice, I think that has probably taken a huge toll on him when it comes to the idea of getting married. The idea probably scares him and he is fearful that if he does it again, the same outcome may happen.

    Considering you are no where near discussing that on a serious level, I wouldn't focus to much on what he said or how he said it. I probably also wouldn't bring it up even jokingly knowing how it effects him, but thats just me.
    I agree with Pita. It sounds like he has been through a lot and it may take a very long time for him to recover and really trust a relationship again. If you haven't been dating very long and marriage is a discussion that you aren't ready to have then I wouldn't worry about it too much.
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    #7
    When DH and I started dating he never wanted to get married again he was 22 and divorced.

    Its a phase. Divorce is one of the hardest things to go through let alone twice. I would gently bring it up with him if it bothers you that much, but nicely don't get defensive or upset just ask him if he really doesn't ever want to get married again.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post
    How long have you guys been dating?

    I would say if you feel nowhere near ready to talk about marriage, don't make comments about him getting married in the future because that will probably prompt him to express reservations again.

    But it sounds like you know a lot about his past and you guys have discussed it, so I would just try asking him point blank if marriage is a possibility in his future. Not dropping cute little hints, just sit down when you both have some time and ask him.
    -- game play is not really productive in addressing serious matters in a relationship. If it is truly something that you want to settle, have an actual conversation - if not, leave it alone rather than continue to create issues where there doesn't need to be.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post
    How long have you guys been dating?
    Yes, I am curious also.

    I say all the time that I have no intention of ever getting married again, and my boyfriend knows it. However, having said that...there are times when I'm with him that I think about getting married again...this time to him...(or George Clooney!)...and my boyfriend knows that also (yes...even about George Clooney).

    There is no way to know for sure what a person will or won't do in the future. Sometimes we waffle. A statement like, "I will never get married again," is a defensive reaction to the fear of being hurt again or being made a fool of again. It takes time to heal from these types of events in one's life.

    If it concerns you, talk to him about it. I wouldn't approach him with I want to get married, and I'm afraid you really do not be married again or some such question. If it comes up again, maybe approach it from the standpoint of something like..."Wow. I can understand you might not want to get married again...you've been really hurt before." And let the conversation flow from there. But, pushing him about it, probably won't do any good.

    Also, he did say..."if"...he didn't say he never wanted to get married again. So he's probably just still waffling on occassion (I know the feeling). I'd just give it some time.

    Finally, I might be misreading this...but it sounded like you were both playing around and joking, and you took his response seriously.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by His*PITA* View Post
    He has been hurt and gone through divorce not only once, but twice, I think that has probably taken a huge toll on him when it comes to the idea of getting married. The idea probably scares him and he is fearful that if he does it again, the same outcome may happen.

    Considering you are no where near discussing that on a serious level, I wouldn't focus to much on what he said or how he said it. I probably also wouldn't bring it up even jokingly knowing how it effects him, but thats just me.


    Sounds like he's been hurt pretty bad. Maybe in a few years or so when you think you're ready you can talk to him about it. Till then don't streas
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