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Thread: Need some advice/love/tough love/shoulder !??

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    #1

    Need some advice/love/tough love/shoulder !??

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    Well here is a bit of background to help you better understand....

    DF and I met online as he was in the process of Deploying last year. We kept in touch a lot through e-mail and over the phone and eventually fell for each other. We seemed to have a lot in common, made each other smile and just couldn't make each other happier. We met for the first time on his R&R and at that point had been dating officially for about 7-8 months. It went OK. Everything for the first few days was perfect and unexpectadly (spelling) he proposed to me and both of us were still on Cloud 9. Well after that he was maybe having some trouble adjusting etc. He wasn't changing his clothes every day, was trashing my house,not sleeping at night, losing things, forgetting stuff, wasn't showering, was snapping at me and basically we were like a miserable married couple after being together for about 50 years. I expressed my concerns and things got better the last few days and back to Iraq he went. Things were good the rest of his tour and he came home. I met him for his Homecoming ceremony and stayed there for about a week. His habits were still messy and I addressed it again and didn't push a lot because I'm not gonna drive him nuts when he just got back state side. After viewing a lot of his habits I decided to ask him if he was ever diagnosed with ADD. He said yes. Make's sense now.

    Well now he's home on block leave and I AM MISERABLE. He's still doing the same thing. He's chain smoking cigarettes Everything he does drives me nuts. He'll wake up like at 3 am to have a snack and smoke a cigarette. All these habits and querks he has are just really starting to turn me off. I love him and he really is a genuine, trust worthy, generous man with a big heart but I don't know if I could ever marry/live with this man. All the gifts and nice things he does for me are wonderful but I already have 2 kids and feel as if I'm taking care of a third. He said he'd get help for his ADD once he ETS's out in Feb and says once he has his own spot/place to live for his "things" he won't be as messy. All of that is great but I feel as if I may have lost all attraction to him and it's not coming back. I don't want him to touch me, when he says I love you I don't want to say it back, he just annoys the CRAP out of me. What do I do? Am I just a heartless biotch?? Do I stick it out and see how he is after his ADD meds? I'm so lost I'll be sad if he's not in my life but I'm not happy with him in it 100% of the time either.
    "Time passes. Even when it seems impossible, even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me."

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    #2
    You leave. I lost attraction to my ex when he came back fromm deployment, and no matter how hard I tried to ignore it, it just got worse. This isn't the man for you.
    Camster is the best wifey ever
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    #3
    I guess I don't understand why he needs meds to help him learn to put away his clothes. Is he bathing regularly? Is smoking a deal breaker for you? It sounds like maybe it might help to make a list of the core issues that are bothering you and see if you can identify which ones he can actually tackle right now. Does he know that the life of the relationship is on the line?
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    #4
    Youve got to ask yourself hard questions and be ready for the answers, no matter how hard they may be to work through.

    I'm not looking for you to reply here, just suggesting you seriously consider:

    Why did you fall in love with this man?
    Did you fall in love with him or the idea of him?
    How important is it to you to be physically attracted to your partner? (talking about the smoking smell/taste/etc)
    A persons day to day habits can make or break your relationship, where do you draw your lines?
    What happens if he doesn't get help in February?

    You can figure out what is best for you and don't force something that isn't best. If you love him and can accept his quirks (without bringing them up everyday; if you say you can live with them then live with then) then you can work through it.

  5. I just can't even...
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    #5
    He's obviously not the one for you. I would end things. It's not fair to drag it out. Not fair to him and not fair to you.



    Sorry you're dealing with this. He's just obviuosly not the person you're supposed to end up with.
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    #6


    It sounds like you like him as a person, but in actual practice it sounds like it's not going smoothly. What you have issue with is pretty fundamental, and although he can change if he wants to...I wouldn't bank on it. Maybe reassessing your relationship may give you more clarity and helpvyou distance yourself from your frustration.
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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by QB77 View Post
    I guess I don't understand why he needs meds to help him learn to put away his clothes. Is he bathing regularly? Is smoking a deal breaker for you? It sounds like maybe it might help to make a list of the core issues that are bothering you and see if you can identify which ones he can actually tackle right now. Does he know that the life of the relationship is on the line?
    Not meds to help him put his clothes away. Meds to help him pay attention to a conversation, keep his items in order, stop misplacing things and stop being hyperactive and impulsive iwth everything. He knows that the life of the relationship is on the line and he is devastated he said he feels like he ruins every relationship because of the way he is. I feel so bad I love him and want to fix him but I'm afraid you can't just "fix" someone.
    "Time passes. Even when it seems impossible, even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me."

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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Behindblueyes112 View Post
    Not meds to help him put his clothes away. Meds to help him pay attention to a conversation, keep his items in order, stop misplacing things and stop being hyperactive and impulsive iwth everything. He knows that the life of the relationship is on the line and he is devastated he said he feels like he ruins every relationship because of the way he is. I feel so bad I love him and want to fix him but I'm afraid you can't just "fix" someone.
    From what I have observed, you can't. Fix implies quick and sounds superficial. And that does justice to neither one of you.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by KickDrumHeart View Post
    You leave. I lost attraction to my ex when he came back fromm deployment, and no matter how hard I tried to ignore it, it just got worse. This isn't the man for you.
    What kind of things made you lose attraction towards him if you don't mind me asking?? I'veb een trying to ignore it and tell myself I'm an OCD ridden bitch but it's not working.
    "Time passes. Even when it seems impossible, even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me."

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    #10
    I married a man who has untreated ADD. It is exhausting. He has to be reminded of the simplest tasks like, yes, showering. He loses everything (he lost his id on the day he was supposed to have surgery on the ship, so I had to escort him on base, on the pier, then on the ship) including his frickin' glasses (important things most people are careful to keep in the same place so they don't lose them). It is physically and emotionally exhausting. I love him to pieces, but it is extremely frustrating. If you are having issues with his ADD now, it will only get ten times worse when you live together and have to deal with EVERYTHING that he loses or forgets to do or just can't focus on. If he is determind to get help in controlling his ADD, then I would stick it out and see how he does with the meds. If he is just saying that to get you to hang around but actually has no intention of getting help, then leave.

    Mucho either way
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