Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 20

Thread: How long would you wait?

  1. Senior Member
    RB09/02's Avatar
    RB09/02 is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    741
    #1

    How long would you wait?

    Advertisements
    Hi there, I need some outsider's perspectives on my situation. I've talked to some of my friends about this but sometimes I think it's good to get some outsider opinions. I'll try to keep this as short as possible...

    Alright, DB & I have been together for over 6 years. We're both 21. We've talked a lot about marriage over the years, of course, especially when he was away at boot camp and tech school. Well, I was getting kind of antsy about a year ago and asked him when he thought he would propose by. He told me by October 2011. He came home from tech school in December 2010, and the way he was talking right before he came home, I really thought he would propose shortly after he got home. I went to visit him while he was in tech schoo, and he wanted to take me to look at rings even (that is very unlike DB). I told him no because I wanted him to pick it out himself. Again, after he got home, we went to do some last minute Christmas shopping and he wanted to take me again and I answered the same way. So here we are almost a year later and still no ring.

    I'm a junior in college, still have 2 years left but I work part time and have a pretty hefty savings. DB is National Guard, works full time, and goes to school part time. However, he hates his job so he is seriously considering quitting and going to school full time. A big reason he hates his job now is that he wants to get a full time position at the guard base. He's afraid that if he doesn't quit his job soon he's going to be stuck there for the rest of his life. Getting a full time position at the guard base is not an option right now for him though because they don't have any open positions.

    I realize it's not October 2011 yet but I know DB like the back of my hand, he cannot keep secrets from me by any means, and he is not going to propose anytime soon. Whenever I bring up marriage he tells me he's not ready yet because he doesn't have his life figured out yet. Which I totally understand. But he isn't really doing anything TO figure it out. He's not doing anything to change it. A couple weeks ago I asked him what his timeline of when he thought he'd propose is like now, he told me 6-18 months. I was really hurt when he said that.

    I don't know what to do. I love DB so much, and when I picture my life in 5, 10, 15, 60 years, all I see is him, but I just don't want to put myself through another potential year and a half only to be let down again and be told another far off timeline.

    I realize we're still young but I've known I wanted to marry DB for a good 3+ years now. I stood by him faithfully while he was away for boot camp, tech school & now that he's overseas. I really feel like I need to see some proof of commitment. I have also told him multiple times that I am completely fine with a 2 year engagement, I just feel like we need to take the next step. I realize he just wants to make sure we're financially stable, but I really believe we would be. We both work, neither of us will have student loans to pay off, we're both completely debt free. I guess something else that bothers me is he talks about being afraid we won't be financially stable but yet he has the money to buy a personal airplane and new car, when he could be saving that money for our future.

    I'm afraid I'm going to have to just realize that he's really not that serious about me and if he's not ready to commit now, he probably never will be. I just don't want to admit that to myself because he truly is a good man and he treats me well and is there for me no matter what.

    Anyway, sorry that got pretty long. Please let me know what you think you would do in my situation. I appreciate any advice or input. If you need any further clarification, I'll be happy to provide it. It's hard to explain our entire relationship in just a few paragraphs. Thank you in advance!
  2. MilitarySOS Jewel
    Khaleeesi's Avatar
    Khaleeesi is offline
    MilitarySOS Jewel
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    7,767

    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by RB09/02 View Post
    Hi there, I need some outsider's perspectives on my situation. I've talked to some of my friends about this but sometimes I think it's good to get some outsider opinions. I'll try to keep this as short as possible...

    Alright, DB & I have been together for over 6 years. We're both 21. We've talked a lot about marriage over the years, of course, especially when he was away at boot camp and tech school. Well, I was getting kind of antsy about a year ago and asked him when he thought he would propose by. He told me by October 2011. He came home from tech school in December 2010, and the way he was talking right before he came home, I really thought he would propose shortly after he got home. I went to visit him while he was in tech schoo, and he wanted to take me to look at rings even (that is very unlike DB). I told him no because I wanted him to pick it out himself. Again, after he got home, we went to do some last minute Christmas shopping and he wanted to take me again and I answered the same way. So here we are almost a year later and still no ring.

    I'm a junior in college, still have 2 years left but I work part time and have a pretty hefty savings. DB is National Guard, works full time, and goes to school part time. However, he hates his job so he is seriously considering quitting and going to school full time. A big reason he hates his job now is that he wants to get a full time position at the guard base. He's afraid that if he doesn't quit his job soon he's going to be stuck there for the rest of his life. Getting a full time position at the guard base is not an option right now for him though because they don't have any open positions.

    I realize it's not October 2011 yet but I know DB like the back of my hand, he cannot keep secrets from me by any means, and he is not going to propose anytime soon. Whenever I bring up marriage he tells me he's not ready yet because he doesn't have his life figured out yet. Which I totally understand. But he isn't really doing anything TO figure it out. He's not doing anything to change it. A couple weeks ago I asked him what his timeline of when he thought he'd propose is like now, he told me 6-18 months. I was really hurt when he said that.

    I don't know what to do. I love DB so much, and when I picture my life in 5, 10, 15, 60 years, all I see is him, but I just don't want to put myself through another potential year and a half only to be let down again and be told another far off timeline.

    I realize we're still young but I've known I wanted to marry DB for a good 3+ years now. I stood by him faithfully while he was away for boot camp, tech school & now that he's overseas. I really feel like I need to see some proof of commitment. I have also told him multiple times that I am completely fine with a 2 year engagement, I just feel like we need to take the next step. I realize he just wants to make sure we're financially stable, but I really believe we would be. We both work, neither of us will have student loans to pay off, we're both completely debt free. I guess something else that bothers me is he talks about being afraid we won't be financially stable but yet he has the money to buy a personal airplane and new car, when he could be saving that money for our future.

    I'm afraid I'm going to have to just realize that he's really not that serious about me and if he's not ready to commit now, he probably never will be. I just don't want to admit that to myself because he truly is a good man and he treats me well and is there for me no matter what.

    Anyway, sorry that got pretty long. Please let me know what you think you would do in my situation. I appreciate any advice or input. If you need any further clarification, I'll be happy to provide it. It's hard to explain our entire relationship in just a few paragraphs. Thank you in advance!
    Personally, I think you need to relax. You are 21 years old. He is showing responsibility by not rushing into anything, and he is securing financial stability for the BOTH of you. Sure you've been dating 6 years, but that means you started dating at 15? That's what? A freshman in high school? So while you've been dating a # of years, you are just now reaching a greater level of maturity as individuals, and as a relationship. When I think back to how I grew from 15 to 21, it's almost incomprehensible. Length of time shouldn't be the determining factor, it should be when you both are ready. Especially in your case, 21 is still young - not too young to get married, but IMO too young to EXPECT someone to get married when he isn't ready.

    He's said he would be ready by a certain date, and it does sound like he's gone back on his word, but I'm guessing it's because you keep pushing him for a date. He probably feels like he has to say something to you to please you.

    Also, you say you need more "commitment." A ring on your finger doesn't signify commitment. There are plenty of ladies on here that are engaged without rings. It's all about the level of your relationship. The fact that you want a ring to secure him, and the fact that you would put a timeline on someone who you say you want to marry, gives off the appearance that you're looking at it for the wrong reasons.

    The fact that you are even considering walking away unless he proposes by X date, gives off the impression that you're after a wedding, not a lifelong relationship with him specifically, because if that were the case, the # of years wouldn't matter, and you would be willing to wait until he is ready. A relationship is about two people, just because you want something, doesn't mean he has to be on the same page.

    Obviously if he truly showed signs of an inability to commit, that's different. But I don't get that impression from your post. I just get that he's young, he's feeling unsure about the future, and he wants to get his life a little more settled before taking on extra responsibility. You see it as this exciting, romantic step. And it is...but marriage is a lot of work, and a lot of responsibility. If he is in the military and he PCSs, what will you do? Will you stay in school and live separately? Will you move with him and drop out of school? If you move with him, will you hope to get a job? What if you can't get a job? Then he has to support you too. That is a lot of responsibility to think about for a 21 year old. Not everyone is mature enough to handle that at that age. I certainly wouldn't have been.

    Personally, I think he's being smart. Try to think about this logically and less emotionally. If he's "the one" then what's the rush? If you're going to spend your life together, why do you HAVE to be engaged or married? What does it matter? You're still together, isn't that all that matters?
  3. Senior Member
    Irisheyes36's Avatar
    Irisheyes36 is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    North East USA
    Posts
    1,406
    #3
    Well here is my opinion only based on my experiences first of all yes you've been together for a long time but being in college and the first few yrs of starting career life changes a person whether u think it will or not I promise u there will be changes and maturing and growing up that happens so I'd want to wait atleast till college graduation.

    Another thing only in my opinion is there is no reason to get engaged and have a long engagement just to say ur engaged and have a ring. If ur going to get engaged I'd have full intentions of having a wedding and getting married and planning a wedding soon after the engagement since to me that's the whole point.

    That being said my opinions aren't necessarily right for you. And I don't believe that getting married young means that it'll fail or that having a long engagement means ull never actually get married.

    I think every girl gets the engagement and baby itches but its something that should be given detailed consideration

    Good luck
  4. Senior Member
    goldengirl's Avatar
    goldengirl is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Me: Here. Him: There.
    Posts
    1,348
    #4
    I've kind of been where you are.

    From 2002 until 2008 (ages 19-25), I dated this guy I thought I would marry. He told me constantly that he'd be ready to propose by New Years Eve 2006. Well, 2006 came and went and he told me he'd be ready by New Years Eve 2007. That came and went. 2008 came and be broke up with me to go out and sleep with 18 year olds and get drunk with his redneck friends (sorry, I'm still bitter about HOW he ended it). He eventually told me that he had known for over a year that he didn't want to ever get married, and didn't know how to tell me. But *I* was the one who pulled him into jewelry stores and brought up marriage talk.

    The situation you're in completely sucks. If you bring it up, he could either be honest with you and tell you he's not ready and doesn't know when he will be, or he could lie and tell you what you want to hear.

    What you need to do, IMO, is figure out for yourself how long YOU are willing to wait. And you need to figure out if you want to potentially be with someone who may not want the same future with you that you want with him.

    The way that he takes you to look at rings makes me think he does want to marry you, but he's not ready yet. I know you've been together for 6 years, but you're both still really young. Maybe he just wants to buy expensive toys at this point in his life while he can. I'm not sure what his living situation is, but when married you'll have mortgages, other bills, eventually kids and the expense that comes with that.

    Good luck, OP. PM me if you ever want to chat.
  5. Banned
    gunsgirl's Avatar
    gunsgirl is offline
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    lost
    Posts
    17,275
    #5
    why the rush? your 22 yrs old and need to finish college-

    since you dated inhigh school and now early adulthood- give it time.

    also a little perspective- you hurt his feelings when you would not go with him to find the perfect ring, not only oce but twice.
    he wanted you to go so you could help pick out the one you would want to wear forever,
    sounds like to me he is afraid to make a mistake, that he wants you to have exactly what you want.
    so now you will wait until he is ready again, and he is right his life is crap right now, no need to add the stress of planning a wedding or marriage into the mix
  6. Senior Member
    RB09/02's Avatar
    RB09/02 is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    741
    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by nightingail View Post
    Personally, I think you need to relax. You are 21 years old. He is showing responsibility by not rushing into anything, and he is securing financial stability for the BOTH of you. Sure you've been dating 6 years, but that means you started dating at 15? That's what? A freshman in high school? So while you've been dating a # of years, you are just now reaching a greater level of maturity as individuals, and as a relationship. When I think back to how I grew from 15 to 21, it's almost incomprehensible. Length of time shouldn't be the determining factor, it should be when you both are ready. Especially in your case, 21 is still young - not too young to get married, but IMO too young to EXPECT someone to get married when he isn't ready.

    He's said he would be ready by a certain date, and it does sound like he's gone back on his word, but I'm guessing it's because you keep pushing him for a date. He probably feels like he has to say something to you to please you.

    Also, you say you need more "commitment." A ring on your finger doesn't signify commitment. There are plenty of ladies on here that are engaged without rings. It's all about the level of your relationship. The fact that you want a ring to secure him, and the fact that you would put a timeline on someone who you say you want to marry, gives off the appearance that you're looking at it for the wrong reasons.

    The fact that you are even considering walking away unless he proposes by X date, gives off the impression that you're after a wedding, not a lifelong relationship with him specifically, because if that were the case, the # of years wouldn't matter, and you would be willing to wait until he is ready. A relationship is about two people, just because you want something, doesn't mean he has to be on the same page.

    Obviously if he truly showed signs of an inability to commit, that's different. But I don't get that impression from your post. I just get that he's young, he's feeling unsure about the future, and he wants to get his life a little more settled before taking on extra responsibility. You see it as this exciting, romantic step. And it is...but marriage is a lot of work, and a lot of responsibility. If he is in the military and he PCSs, what will you do? Will you stay in school and live separately? Will you move with him and drop out of school? If you move with him, will you hope to get a job? What if you can't get a job? Then he has to support you too. That is a lot of responsibility to think about for a 21 year old. Not everyone is mature enough to handle that at that age. I certainly wouldn't have been.

    Personally, I think he's being smart. Try to think about this logically and less emotionally. If he's "the one" then what's the rush? If you're going to spend your life together, why do you HAVE to be engaged or married? What does it matter? You're still together, isn't that all that matters?
    Thanks for you input. I really appreciate it. I sort of feel like you got the wrong impression of me though. I am not wanting an engagement for the ring and I am definitely not wanting it to have a wedding. In fact, I don't even want a big wedding, DB is the one that always talks about wanting a big wedding. I'd be fine with something very small with just our immediate family.

    I realize I should not be pushing him to get married if he's not ready; however, the reason why I keep asking him is because I want to know if he ever wants to marry me. Marriage is important to me. I always thought it was important to him too. We're both old fashioned so we're waiting for marriage to have sex, and of course, we won't live together until we're married. I'm just ready to actually share a life together, not live separate lives like we are now.

    DB is National Guard so he won't PCS unless he would choose to, and he wouldn't because then more than likely he wouldn't be able to fly his plane because he shares it with his brother.

    I guess what makes this so hard is the fact that HE has brought it up so many times. Not recently, but a year ago he brought it up all the time. Now, he doesn't ever want to talk about it. It just confuses me. Again, thank you for your input.

    Quote Originally Posted by Irisheyes36 View Post
    Well here is my opinion only based on my experiences first of all yes you've been together for a long time but being in college and the first few yrs of starting career life changes a person whether u think it will or not I promise u there will be changes and maturing and growing up that happens so I'd want to wait atleast till college graduation.

    Another thing only in my opinion is there is no reason to get engaged and have a long engagement just to say ur engaged and have a ring. If ur going to get engaged I'd have full intentions of having a wedding and getting married and planning a wedding soon after the engagement since to me that's the whole point.

    That being said my opinions aren't necessarily right for you. And I don't believe that getting married young means that it'll fail or that having a long engagement means ull never actually get married.

    I think every girl gets the engagement and baby itches but its something that should be given detailed consideration

    Good luck
    Thank you for your opinion. I agree, I'm sure there will be all kinds of changes we go through in the next few years, with graduating college, starting a career, etc. etc. etc. I know there will be some tough times while going through them. But, there will be all kinds of changes we'll go through in our life, but the whole point is that we'll go through them together and we'll be there to support each other. I realize it may be a little easier 5 or more years from now because we'll be older. I guess I probably do just have the engagement itch because I'm at the age where a lot of people I graduated high school with are getting engaged. Thanks again!

    Quote Originally Posted by goldengirl View Post
    I've kind of been where you are.

    From 2002 until 2008 (ages 19-25), I dated this guy I thought I would marry. He told me constantly that he'd be ready to propose by New Years Eve 2006. Well, 2006 came and went and he told me he'd be ready by New Years Eve 2007. That came and went. 2008 came and be broke up with me to go out and sleep with 18 year olds and get drunk with his redneck friends (sorry, I'm still bitter about HOW he ended it). He eventually told me that he had known for over a year that he didn't want to ever get married, and didn't know how to tell me. But *I* was the one who pulled him into jewelry stores and brought up marriage talk.

    The situation you're in completely sucks. If you bring it up, he could either be honest with you and tell you he's not ready and doesn't know when he will be, or he could lie and tell you what you want to hear.

    What you need to do, IMO, is figure out for yourself how long YOU are willing to wait. And you need to figure out if you want to potentially be with someone who may not want the same future with you that you want with him.

    The way that he takes you to look at rings makes me think he does want to marry you, but he's not ready yet. I know you've been together for 6 years, but you're both still really young. Maybe he just wants to buy expensive toys at this point in his life while he can. I'm not sure what his living situation is, but when married you'll have mortgages, other bills, eventually kids and the expense that comes with that.

    Good luck, OP. PM me if you ever want to chat.
    Thanks for sharing your personal story with me and your input. That's what I'm kind of scared of. I'm afraid he's going to keep putting it off and eventually, he'll just come out and say he doesn't want to be with me at all anymore. I really don't think he'd ever do that to me but I'm sure a lot of girls have thought that. I keep asking him to just tell me now if he doesn't ever want to marry me so we can end it now, because it will only be more difficult the longer we're together.

    I think you're right. I just need to set my own personal deadline and stick to it. I really think he's the one, but, if he doesn't want the same future that I want, then we're probably not meant to be. Thanks for your help!
  7. Senior Member
    honeybee.'s Avatar
    honeybee. is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Hickam AFB
    Posts
    726
    #7
    OP I can understand your frustration, but I don't think you should consider the timeline thing. Of course just in my own opinion. You want to marry him because you love him right? And you've been together for over 6 years because you're happy with him right? Hun, there are couples that have NEVER gotten married but they've been together for over 20+ years. If you love him, and he loves you, and you guys are doing just fine, why make it a big deal to change that? Being engaged doesn't raise the level of commitment. And if you're just having that engagement itch like you said, don't let that sway your relationship.

    My DH and I have been together for a little over three years now, been married for a little over a year. So needless to say we DID rush it along. We've still spent more time physically apart than together and it took a huge toll on us, so we got married, and FINALLY moved in together. For us, it worked. Now granted he said he wanted to marry me after two weeks of going out, and we were just head over heels in love .. but everyone's relationships work differently.

    Just think about it. What would he say if you told him that you'd wait till a certain date and be done with him if he didn't propose? It sounds horrible that way, but that's what you're saying.


    I'm sorry for your dilemma, but make sure you think it through before you do anything rash!
  8. Senior Member
    RB09/02's Avatar
    RB09/02 is offline
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    741
    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by honeybee. View Post
    OP I can understand your frustration, but I don't think you should consider the timeline thing. Of course just in my own opinion. You want to marry him because you love him right? And you've been together for over 6 years because you're happy with him right? Hun, there are couples that have NEVER gotten married but they've been together for over 20+ years. If you love him, and he loves you, and you guys are doing just fine, why make it a big deal to change that? Being engaged doesn't raise the level of commitment. And if you're just having that engagement itch like you said, don't let that sway your relationship.

    My DH and I have been together for a little over three years now, been married for a little over a year. So needless to say we DID rush it along. We've still spent more time physically apart than together and it took a huge toll on us, so we got married, and FINALLY moved in together. For us, it worked. Now granted he said he wanted to marry me after two weeks of going out, and we were just head over heels in love .. but everyone's relationships work differently.

    Just think about it. What would he say if you told him that you'd wait till a certain date and be done with him if he didn't propose? It sounds horrible that way, but that's what you're saying.


    I'm sorry for your dilemma, but make sure you think it through before you do anything rash!
    Thanks for your opinion! I know there are couples out there that have dated for 20+ years and never got married. But that's not for me. I don't think I want to just date for the rest of our lives. That would mean never living together and never having children because of our personal beliefs. Both of those things are important to the both of us. I am very happy with him.

    Again, thank you so much for your input! This is something I definitely will not take lightly and will think it through 100%.
  9. <3 <3 <3
    OutlawWoman.'s Avatar
    OutlawWoman. is offline
    <3 <3 <3
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    11,904
    #9
    You're 21. If you were 31 and had been together that long, I'd say "he needs to hurry on up!!" but you're not. If he can responsibly tell you he isn't ready, then he isn't. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that he won't EVER be ready.... he just isn't right now!!

    He will get there. Everyone GETS there. 21 is hardly the time to freak out.
  10. Banned
    Moxie's Avatar
    Moxie is offline
    Banned
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    El Paso, TX
    Posts
    4,875
    #10
    Yep, agree with PPs.

    Lots of guys have no interest in getting married before a certain age. I was lucky enough to meet my DH when he was older, so I got my ring after just over a year of dating, but he was with his ex for 5 years and didn't consider proposing to her until right before they broke up.

    Just like girls, guys have a kind of timeline in their head where they see themselves doing stuff. After we got engaged, I actually asked my DH "when did you see yourself getting married?" and he said he always planned on being 28.

    Maybe you could ask your DB in a non-annoying way ( ) when he sees himself settling down and getting married, or at what age he always pictured it happening. He might say he doesn't know, which is an acceptable answer, or he might give you a time frame that will ease your mind (or maybe make you more antsy, I dunno).
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •