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Thread: I'm new here... bit of an all-over meltdown?

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    #1

    I'm new here... bit of an all-over meltdown?

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    Hi everyone, I wasn't really sure where to put this so I hope this is alright!

    About a two years ago I met a wonderful man, Colton, through a mutual friend while he was in power school in the Navy. We instantly hit it off and kept in constant contact and I'm happy to say that things progressed, and for about a year now we've been basically "together". The reason I put that in quotations is because I've been putting off the subject of making our relationship official. I'm completely committed to him, but the circumstances were so difficult with the distance and my issues from a past relationship that it's taken a lot of time for me to be ready for this... and I think I want to move to be closer to him.

    But I am having a minor freakout, about something that probably doesn't even matter. Before I met him, I was in a relationship with a man I loved very much. But he was unfaithful, dishonest, and abusive. I stuck around trying to make it work for far too long, and I've come out of it with a lot of trust issues. I trust Colton. He promised me a very long time ago that he would never keep anything from me and that he would never lie to me, and as far as I know he's been true to his word. But while he's deployed, he and his buddies go to strip clubs. He says he doesn't ever get a lapdance or anything of the sort, and I believe him. But it bothers me, and I feel like that's selfish, insecure, and controlling of me. Every time he goes underway, I stress about it and it hurts me. I've told him it bothers me and he reassures me it isn't a big deal, so I don't push it because I know he just needs my support while he's gone.

    Part of what bothers me is the idea of him lusting over some woman who isn't me. I can't help but wonder every time he comes home if he's picturing those girls while he's with me. And the other part that bothers me is the feeling that strip clubs are the marijuana of adultery. If I give him the okay to ogle naked women there, that blurs the line of what's acceptable and what isn't. So far I've just been able to tell myself "he isn't my boyfriend, he can do what he wants"... but it still hurts, and things are about to really change for us. I think if I "forbid" him from going, he wouldn't go... but I love the open communication we have, I love that he trusts me, I love that he'll tell me absolutely anything and everything and I want to keep it that way. I want us to have that mutual respect, but part of me feels disrespected by him going to a strip club. And I worry that maybe I'm not seeing something, like I didn't with my ex, in the fact that he even wants to go there in the first place... does that say something about his faithfulness that I'm just oblivious to?

    I think I'm also just scared to take this leap of faith for us. I love him, so much. He makes me laugh, he listens to me, he understands me, he's fought for me all this time that I've been too scared. Every time he gets off that submarine we're closer than we were when he left. But this is a big move, and while my friends and family are very supportive, everyone keeps nagging at me with the same concern: situations like this never work out. But we've been long distance for all this time. We've been through deployments. We make each other happy and I miss him all the time.

    I think I just want someone to tell me that I'm doing the right thing and that I'm not being played like I was before. I can't picture myself without him, ever. And the strip club thing is just eating away at me. And it makes me kinda angry at myself... who am I to make a big deal about something like that while he's away doing something so much more important? Where do you guys draw the line, and how do you deal with it if it does make you uncomfortable?
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by ViennaJ View Post
    Hi everyone, I wasn't really sure where to put this so I hope this is alright!

    About a two years ago I met a wonderful man, Colton, through a mutual friend while he was in power school in the Navy. We instantly hit it off and kept in constant contact and I'm happy to say that things progressed, and for about a year now we've been basically "together". The reason I put that in quotations is because I've been putting off the subject of making our relationship official. I'm completely committed to him, but the circumstances were so difficult with the distance and my issues from a past relationship that it's taken a lot of time for me to be ready for this... and I think I want to move to be closer to him.

    But I am having a minor freakout, about something that probably doesn't even matter. Before I met him, I was in a relationship with a man I loved very much. But he was unfaithful, dishonest, and abusive. I stuck around trying to make it work for far too long, and I've come out of it with a lot of trust issues. I trust Colton. He promised me a very long time ago that he would never keep anything from me and that he would never lie to me, and as far as I know he's been true to his word. But while he's deployed, he and his buddies go to strip clubs. He says he doesn't ever get a lapdance or anything of the sort, and I believe him. But it bothers me, and I feel like that's selfish, insecure, and controlling of me. Every time he goes underway, I stress about it and it hurts me. I've told him it bothers me and he reassures me it isn't a big deal, so I don't push it because I know he just needs my support while he's gone.

    Part of what bothers me is the idea of him lusting over some woman who isn't me. I can't help but wonder every time he comes home if he's picturing those girls while he's with me. And the other part that bothers me is the feeling that strip clubs are the marijuana of adultery. If I give him the okay to ogle naked women there, that blurs the line of what's acceptable and what isn't. So far I've just been able to tell myself "he isn't my boyfriend, he can do what he wants"... but it still hurts, and things are about to really change for us. I think if I "forbid" him from going, he wouldn't go... but I love the open communication we have, I love that he trusts me, I love that he'll tell me absolutely anything and everything and I want to keep it that way. I want us to have that mutual respect, but part of me feels disrespected by him going to a strip club. And I worry that maybe I'm not seeing something, like I didn't with my ex, in the fact that he even wants to go there in the first place... does that say something about his faithfulness that I'm just oblivious to?

    I think I'm also just scared to take this leap of faith for us. I love him, so much. He makes me laugh, he listens to me, he understands me, he's fought for me all this time that I've been too scared. Every time he gets off that submarine we're closer than we were when he left. But this is a big move, and while my friends and family are very supportive, everyone keeps nagging at me with the same concern: situations like this never work out. But we've been long distance for all this time. We've been through deployments. We make each other happy and I miss him all the time.

    I think I just want someone to tell me that I'm doing the right thing and that I'm not being played like I was before. I can't picture myself without him, ever. And the strip club thing is just eating away at me. And it makes me kinda angry at myself... who am I to make a big deal about something like that while he's away doing something so much more important? Where do you guys draw the line, and how do you deal with it if it does make you uncomfortable?


    Well here is the deal. You can't forbid him to go no matter what. You can ask him to not go, you can demand he not go, you can lay out an ultimatum, but in the end you can not stop him if he wants to go.

    Now most men are visual creatures. They enjoy the sight of women. Naked women, semi naked women and fully clothed women. They just like women. And if your guy is one who enjoys seeing women and imagines them when with you, taking out the ability to go to strip clubs won't end that. He would just imagine other women he has seen.

    What I would do if I am uncomfortable with something is let my husband know and make a respectful request for them to not do whatever it is. I have yet to have to do that with anything thankfully though.
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Southern-queen View Post
    Well here is the deal. You can't forbid him to go no matter what. You can ask him to not go, you can demand he not go, you can lay out an ultimatum, but in the end you can not stop him if he wants to go.

    Now most men are visual creatures. They enjoy the sight of women. Naked women, semi naked women and fully clothed women. They just like women. And if your guy is one who enjoys seeing women and imagines them when with you, taking out the ability to go to strip clubs won't end that. He would just imagine other women he has seen.

    What I would do if I am uncomfortable with something is let my husband know and make a respectful request for them to not do whatever it is. I have yet to have to do that with anything thankfully though.
    This

    You need to be fair and true to both of you....if strip clubs is something he has always done that you're not o.k with then maybe find a boundary you'd be ok with, like only at bachelor parties or something?

    Otherwise you'll need to decide if it's something you can handle or not, this far into the relationship you shouldn't try to change him and I doubt you could

    good luck!

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    #4
    It sounds to me like the strip club is just the surface of a larger issue.

    Just because he doesn't go to a strip club does not mean that he will never lust after another women. He can lust after women in the grocery store, on the computer, or even in a totally empty room just imagine some lady and think "man I want to sleep with her."

    As for cheating, that seems to me to be a separate issue too. There are many many cheaters who never set foot in the strip club, and there are many many men who visit the strip club on a regular basis and never cheat on their SOs even once.

    Personally I would not move to be with him if 1) you're not even official yet and 2) there is still this unresolved trust/communication issue. Do some soul searching and decide what you really want, and don't be afraid to tell him "this is what I need." Get his input and make the decision together.
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by ViennaJ View Post
    Hi everyone, I wasn't really sure where to put this so I hope this is alright!

    About a two years ago I met a wonderful man, Colton, through a mutual friend while he was in power school in the Navy. We instantly hit it off and kept in constant contact and I'm happy to say that things progressed, and for about a year now we've been basically "together". The reason I put that in quotations is because I've been putting off the subject of making our relationship official. I'm completely committed to him, but the circumstances were so difficult with the distance and my issues from a past relationship that it's taken a lot of time for me to be ready for this... and I think I want to move to be closer to him.

    But I am having a minor freakout, about something that probably doesn't even matter. Before I met him, I was in a relationship with a man I loved very much. But he was unfaithful, dishonest, and abusive. I stuck around trying to make it work for far too long, and I've come out of it with a lot of trust issues. I trust Colton. He promised me a very long time ago that he would never keep anything from me and that he would never lie to me, and as far as I know he's been true to his word. But while he's deployed, he and his buddies go to strip clubs. He says he doesn't ever get a lapdance or anything of the sort, and I believe him. But it bothers me, and I feel like that's selfish, insecure, and controlling of me. Every time he goes underway, I stress about it and it hurts me. I've told him it bothers me and he reassures me it isn't a big deal, so I don't push it because I know he just needs my support while he's gone.

    Part of what bothers me is the idea of him lusting over some woman who isn't me. I can't help but wonder every time he comes home if he's picturing those girls while he's with me. And the other part that bothers me is the feeling that strip clubs are the marijuana of adultery. If I give him the okay to ogle naked women there, that blurs the line of what's acceptable and what isn't. So far I've just been able to tell myself "he isn't my boyfriend, he can do what he wants"... but it still hurts, and things are about to really change for us. I think if I "forbid" him from going, he wouldn't go... but I love the open communication we have, I love that he trusts me, I love that he'll tell me absolutely anything and everything and I want to keep it that way. I want us to have that mutual respect, but part of me feels disrespected by him going to a strip club. And I worry that maybe I'm not seeing something, like I didn't with my ex, in the fact that he even wants to go there in the first place... does that say something about his faithfulness that I'm just oblivious to?

    I think I'm also just scared to take this leap of faith for us. I love him, so much. He makes me laugh, he listens to me, he understands me, he's fought for me all this time that I've been too scared. Every time he gets off that submarine we're closer than we were when he left. But this is a big move, and while my friends and family are very supportive, everyone keeps nagging at me with the same concern: situations like this never work out. But we've been long distance for all this time. We've been through deployments. We make each other happy and I miss him all the time.

    I think I just want someone to tell me that I'm doing the right thing and that I'm not being played like I was before. I can't picture myself without him, ever. And the strip club thing is just eating away at me. And it makes me kinda angry at myself... who am I to make a big deal about something like that while he's away doing something so much more important? Where do you guys draw the line, and how do you deal with it if it does make you uncomfortable?
    First off hi .

    Ok you said you had such open communication, I think you need to tell him that the strip club thing really bothers you. Men are not always the sharpest tools in the shed. DB used to go to strip clubs with his buddies and he never realized that it would really bother me. He hasn't went once I told him that I felt disrespected when he went. I draw the line at strip clubs. They gross me out and I think it disrespects our relationship DB knows that and respects that. Don't beat yourself up for having things bother you. As longa s you explain that it's not a trust issue and you talk it out you aren't doing anything else wrong. I can totally understand having issues from your past from first hand experiance and I'm sure that the guy you are seeing understands that. Just tell him.

    On the subject of moving closer to him. What does your gut tell you? I personally would make things offical and try having a real relationship where its kinda an all or nothing thing and if in say 6 months alls goign good then I'd move but if you think you guys are ready I say go for it.
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    #6
    ETA: strip clubs aren't the marijuana of adultry Although I did read that and know what you meant

    DH and I have been together for 5 years, he was 24 when we got together...over the last 5 years he's only been maybe 4 times..he has NEVER strayed in any way,shape or form.

    How often does he go?

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    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Tojai View Post
    It sounds to me like the strip club is just the surface of a larger issue.

    Just because he doesn't go to a strip club does not mean that he will never lust after another women. He can lust after women in the grocery store, on the computer, or even in a totally empty room just imagine some lady and think "man I want to sleep with her."

    As for cheating, that seems to me to be a separate issue too. There are many many cheaters who never set foot in the strip club, and there are many many men who visit the strip club on a regular basis and never cheat on their SOs even once.

    Personally I would not move to be with him if 1) you're not even official yet and 2) there is still this unresolved trust/communication issue. Do some soul searching and decide what you really want, and don't be afraid to tell him "this is what I need." Get his input and make the decision together.
    this, its awesome that you are able to put faith and trust into someone after being betrayed like you were with your ex, but it does sound like theres still a scar where the old wound was.

    i say give it more time, not just for you, but for the relationship you're trying to build. you dont want to rush into something you're not ready for, it can lead to resentment and further complicate things down the road.

    as for him going to strip clubs while he's on deployment, some women would say thats a huge red flag others would merely shrug it off as if he just went out a movie with some friends. i think the key thing is that he is open and honest about telling you he's going or has been. but if it bothers you, it bothers you, and if you want him to stop going then ask him to stop. his reaction to your request could give you further confirmation of your choice.
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    #8
    I think you need to rethink things. you and him are not official. you have no right to ask him to make compramises regarding strip clubs for you. Additionally, you are scared to be official, but are willing to move with him?

    Honestly, it sounds like you have a lot of trust issues that you need to work out peronally, and are not at all ready to be in a relationship with someone, none the less move to be with them.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Jhr2678 View Post
    I think you need to rethink things. you and him are not official. you have no right to ask him to make compramises regarding strip clubs for you. Additionally, you are scared to be official, but are willing to move with him?
    I didn't think of it that way, but I agree with this too.

    Before you ask him to do (or not do) something - basically before you ask him to make a change for you - I think there should be a commitment first.
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    #10
    You have admitted that YOU have a rocky past and YOU have trust issues, so I think you need to work on changing YOU before you ask him to change himself.
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