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Thread: Advice? Suggestions? *long*

  1. Regular Member
    ProudMommEof2's Avatar
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    #1

    Help Advice? Suggestions? *long*

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    Well, first I guess I should start with a back-story...

    My husband and I met in Feb of 08.

    In March, we were living together.

    In April, his son came and lived with us for 6 months.

    In Sept he PCSed to Japan and I arrived there in Oct.

    Feb 09 he proposed to me.

    March we found out we were pregnant.

    April his son came again for 6 months.

    Nov my son was born, 2 weeks later my husband deployed.

    March of 10 I needed surgery and my husband came home on leave for 2 weeks to help me out.

    April of 2010, we find out we are pregnant again.

    June I take my son and his son back to Japan.

    He got home from deployment in July. So that was the beginning of our very fast tracked relationship.

    In Sept of 2010, I found out he was cheating on me. It was an emotional affair because she was in the states, but that didn't make it hurt any less. It was a very deep affair. He proposed to her, had her name tattooed on him, etc.

    From Sept to March/April of this year the affair went on. I was stuck in Japan with him because of my pregnancy & needing a passport. Throughout those 6 long months it was hell. Back and forth on divorce and working it out, huge fights, behavior issues with his son, him facing a possible discharge, me being pregnant, him having just returned from a deployment... We were stressed. The emotional pain was so much that I physically hurt.

    Dec 2nd my daughter was born.

    On Dec 14th my husband flew back to the states to job hunt since we believed the discharge to be 100% decided. He was there for 3 weeks. He swore he wasn't with her anymore, etc. Well he was with her the whole time. The affair turned physical. He missed his first Christmas with our kids, he didn't buy them gifts, but he spent thousands on his trip to see his GF, wine & dine her, and buy her gifts galore. I didn't know that he had actually been with her until a month or so ago. So when he returned I thought things were rough but we were still working on it. We were still physical which disgusts me now.

    Then in March of this year, due to the earthquake in Japan, my children, myself, and his son were evacuated. We left with a kiss and an I love you with the intent of working on our marriage still.

    By May it was fully over. Paperwork was getting lined up and I have a lawyer.

    In June he had a new GF and she was living with him. Now because of issues between him and that girl he is facing yet another discharge (they kept him in from the previous possible discharge). AND the part I need advice and help on, I am giving him another chance... This isn't the second, or even 3rd chance... maybe like the 12th. He seems very remorseful and sincere. He has been that way before, but never made any effort, just talked.

    So I know what I am getting myself into here. I know that y husband has a lot of issues eating him alive from his adoption to PTSD, anxiety, possibly bi-polar, and more. I know that it affects him. I know he has done and said many horrible things to me. I know I am risking heart break all over again. I AM scared he will lie again and cheat. It scares the hell out of me! But he is my husband and my love. We have 2 amazing children together and I do love him with all my heart even after all he has done. We are going to try again, he knows it can't be just talk, there has to be action. And he seems so willing and ready to do this, to be happy together forever.

    So what would your advice be on tips to help us get through this and come out on top. I dont think having access to all his accounts would be unreasonable. Going to counseling together and separate. Him taking a parenting class. Date nights. Him seeing his Dr about his issues and trying medication. But i need tips on anything you may have to offer. How do I overcome my fears, how do I get past feeling self conscious of myself after knowing these other 2 women were skinner and prettier than I. How do we fight fair... Anything you have to offer, please. I am all ears. And I ask for no negative comments. I know not everyone may agree with my decision, but its the one I want to make. Thank you!
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    CDNTrish's Avatar
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    #2
    Quote Originally Posted by ProudMommEof2 View Post
    Well, first I guess I should start with a back-story...

    My husband and I met in Feb of 08.

    In March, we were living together.

    In April, his son came and lived with us for 6 months.

    In Sept he PCSed to Japan and I arrived there in Oct.

    Feb 09 he proposed to me.

    March we found out we were pregnant.

    April his son came again for 6 months.

    Nov my son was born, 2 weeks later my husband deployed.

    March of 10 I needed surgery and my husband came home on leave for 2 weeks to help me out.

    April of 2010, we find out we are pregnant again.

    June I take my son and his son back to Japan.

    He got home from deployment in July. So that was the beginning of our very fast tracked relationship.

    In Sept of 2010, I found out he was cheating on me. It was an emotional affair because she was in the states, but that didn't make it hurt any less. It was a very deep affair. He proposed to her, had her name tattooed on him, etc.

    From Sept to March/April of this year the affair went on. I was stuck in Japan with him because of my pregnancy & needing a passport. Throughout those 6 long months it was hell. Back and forth on divorce and working it out, huge fights, behavior issues with his son, him facing a possible discharge, me being pregnant, him having just returned from a deployment... We were stressed. The emotional pain was so much that I physically hurt.

    Dec 2nd my daughter was born.

    On Dec 14th my husband flew back to the states to job hunt since we believed the discharge to be 100% decided. He was there for 3 weeks. He swore he wasn't with her anymore, etc. Well he was with her the whole time. The affair turned physical. He missed his first Christmas with our kids, he didn't buy them gifts, but he spent thousands on his trip to see his GF, wine & dine her, and buy her gifts galore. I didn't know that he had actually been with her until a month or so ago. So when he returned I thought things were rough but we were still working on it. We were still physical which disgusts me now.

    Then in March of this year, due to the earthquake in Japan, my children, myself, and his son were evacuated. We left with a kiss and an I love you with the intent of working on our marriage still.

    By May it was fully over. Paperwork was getting lined up and I have a lawyer.

    In June he had a new GF and she was living with him. Now because of issues between him and that girl he is facing yet another discharge (they kept him in from the previous possible discharge). AND the part I need advice and help on, I am giving him another chance... This isn't the second, or even 3rd chance... maybe like the 12th. He seems very remorseful and sincere. He has been that way before, but never made any effort, just talked.

    So I know what I am getting myself into here. I know that y husband has a lot of issues eating him alive from his adoption to PTSD, anxiety, possibly bi-polar, and more. I know that it affects him. I know he has done and said many horrible things to me. I know I am risking heart break all over again. I AM scared he will lie again and cheat. It scares the hell out of me! But he is my husband and my love. We have 2 amazing children together and I do love him with all my heart even after all he has done. We are going to try again, he knows it can't be just talk, there has to be action. And he seems so willing and ready to do this, to be happy together forever.

    So what would your advice be on tips to help us get through this and come out on top. I dont think having access to all his accounts would be unreasonable. Going to counseling together and separate. Him taking a parenting class. Date nights. Him seeing his Dr about his issues and trying medication. But i need tips on anything you may have to offer. How do I overcome my fears, how do I get past feeling self conscious of myself after knowing these other 2 women were skinner and prettier than I. How do we fight fair... Anything you have to offer, please. I am all ears. And I ask for no negative comments. I know not everyone may agree with my decision, but its the one I want to make. Thank you!
    Why? I don't mean this to sound rude, but in all honesty can you answer why on earth you would give this man another chance? He has proven to you time and time again that he unable and unwilling to be faithful. I believe in second chances, but 12th?

    He has abandoned you (twice?), put you at risk for STDs, been dishonest, not taken care of his children... repeatedly.

    I know you do not want negative comments, but I cannot give you advice, if I don't understand where you are coming from. Based on your post alone I would be running like the wind. Why have you decided to give him a second chance?
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    #3
    My advice to you would be to insist on counseling, together and separately, as well as him seeing his dr about medication, like you said. Make these conditions deal breakers. He needs to understand if he doesn't, you and your children are gone! He'll either step up to the plate and be the man you need him to be, or he'll mess up again. Either way, you need to think about what is best for you and your children. Sometimes, love just isn't enough. If something is meant to be, it will be, no matter what you do. However, if it's not, there's no use trying to force it to be what it just isn't.
    By all means, give it one more chance, if that's what you truly want to do, but my advice is to make this his LAST chance.

    "Baby. I'll love you forever." ~ DB
    "You're my bestest friend" ~ DB
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    #4
    My advice is to not give him another chance to prove to you he is not ready to be your husband. My advice is to leave. You have given him a dozen chances already and he walks all over you. When will you learn?
  5. In vino veritas
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    #5
    I'm sorry for this, and I know you said no negative advise, but honestly I cannot give any advise other than you have shown him you are willing to be treated poorly and you will come back to him- what makes you think this time will be any different.

    After so many times, he is not going to change. Don't give him the opportunity to show your kids that it is acceptable for you to be treated poorly by a husband. Show them that you are a strong woman and can leave and be on your own for your own good and for their good. He does not deserve another chance.

    I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you find the strength to love yourself more than you love this man who has shown he doesn't know how to love you back.
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    #6
    The most positive advice I can muster. Gain some self respect. You need a good dose of it. I'll leave it at that.
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    #7
    I'm with the other ladies...I can say this to you, without a single doubt in my head, that he will continue to cheat on you and you will never be happy in this marriage. He got a TATTOO of another woman's NAME while you were MARRIED?!?!?! This guy is a real class act. It seems like he gets off on being able to do whatever he wants and may even enjoy hurting you.

    Your children don't deserve to grow up like this. You need to put them first and get out of this extremely sick and unhealthy relationship.
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    #8
    The best advice I can give you, is you need to decide where you draw the line. While it's admirable to want to help someone with their issues, it doesn't give them a free pass to treat you and their own children like dirt. You've proven to him that no matter what he does to you and your children, will never be too bad.

    The best favor you can do for him, honestly, is to leave.
  9. Libertarian by Nature - Your_Anz
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    #9
    I'm kind of with Moxie... it seems like he is getting all sorts of jollies from doing this over and over again. He's like a not so rich and famous Jesse James.

    I don't know what to tell you for positive advice. You need to find yourself, your inner strength, look at your children and really think about what they deserve... You need to get counseling, he needs to get counseling. Idk.... Good luck!!!
  10. ...and carry a towel.
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    #10
    I cannot give you any sensible advice on how to make something like this work. You are staying with a man who proposed to another woman while being married to you, got a tattoo with her name, spend money on taking a trip to her under false pretense and while swearing up and down the block that he didn't meet her, then got another girlfriend, abandoned you and your children... and you are giving him yet another chance.

    I cannot tell you how to make this work, except one way. Leave your dignity, self-respect and expectation to be loved, at the door. Because there is no room for any of those in a relationship with a man like that.
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