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Thread: DH is miserable *long*

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    #1

    Neutral DH is miserable *long*

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    Well, I've never asked for any relationship advice on here before, but I guess there's a first time for everything.

    DH is miserable. He has been for almost a year now. Shortly after he returned from Iraq, his company got a new commander. This guy is super hooah, not married, and just works these guys ragged. Every day except for Thursday is an 11 hour day. DH is always sleep deprived because even when he goes to sleep at 9 or 10, he's up at 4 to get to formation at 6. For PT they've been doing canyon runs with rucksacks. Everyday he comes home just completely exhausted and sore, and all he wants to do is lay on the couch and watch movies or play games on his computer. Besides the physical aspect, he just also has been stressing a lot over the new command, although he doesn't like to talk about it so I don't really know what else is bothering him. I know that they've been dangling promotion above his head for months and months now, but each time when it comes down to it they don't send him to the board and put him in some class that's worth minimal points instead.

    He just tells me that he's unhappy and all he wants is to get out of the army. He says he wont be happy until he gets out. Which is approximately another 3 years from now because he reenlisted last year. He used to like his job...not love it, but at least he was happy. This is just totally dragging him down and making him miserable, and it's really beginning to effect our relationship.

    I do everything I can to help him come home and unwind. I do all the cooking and cleaning, offer to give him massages, try to surprise him with little things. But nothing helps. He just cannot leave work stress at work, he brings it home and is a grump all the time. I feel neglected and helpless, and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so bad for him, but I just don't understand why he can't at least make the most of the time we have together when he gets home. He always complains we don't go out and do stuff, but when I try to plan something he always decides he'd rather stay on the couch doing nothing.

    I don't know how much longer I can do this. I definitely do NOT want to leave him over this, because I know at some point it will pass. But I am getting so angry that it's been so many months of me trying to cheer him up and I get nothing in return. I'm lonely, and even though we usually watch a movie together snuggled on the couch every day, I'm still lonely. He just keeps to himself and I feel us drifting apart. It's so hard for me to stay happy when he's like this, but I stay happy anyways because I keep hoping it will help get him out of this funk.

    So, there it is. Any advice on what I can do to help get him out of this? He will NEVER see a counselor, so that's out of the question. I just feel like we're doomed to have a lackluster marriage for the next 3 years, and it's making me so pessimistic about the future
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    #2

    i am really sorry you are feeling frustrated and a little kicked to the curb.
    Though i can totally sympathize with him, because command changing and promotion dangling is stressful and depressing at times....

    He needs to realize that hes not a lone soldier, and when he is down- he brings you down too.


    You dont want to leave over this right? Then try to extract some answers out of him with kindness.

    Keep reassuring him that " you love him" but let him know that you feel like you are not emotionally being taken care of...

    he reenlisted and found out that what he got was not what he signed up for...
    you could hand that right back to him and let him know that you didn't sign up for a melancholy , mediocre relationship .

    just keep trying and when all else fails let him know that hes damn lucky to have a wife that tries so hard because there are soldiers working their asses off just like him with no one to come home too!


    LOTS OF
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    Hmmm.... I can tell you what worked for me when DH was having similar issues with his job and letting it affect his home life, but this ONLY works if you have a similar communication style to us.

    I told him, straight up, that he needed to suck it up. It was kinda mean, and very, very blunt, but it's what he needed to hear. I sat him down and said "I know you hate your job right now, and I'm sorry, and I wish I could change it, but I can't. At the same time, it cannot continue to affect your attitude at home or it will destroy us. So find a way to suck it up, sailor (he's an Airman but sailor alliterated better), cuz I'm not ok with us getting destroyed."

    And then I dropped it, we probably had some sex, and he took some time to think about it and how he could turn things around.

    That's the way our communication works though, and I'm not sure what your style is so this might be a horrible, horrible way to go about it for you.

    I'm sorry this is causing you heartache.
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    #4
    Double post!
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by bobcatsgirl18 View Post

    i am really sorry you are feeling frustrated and a little kicked to the curb.
    Though i can totally sympathize with him, because command changing and promotion dangling is stressful and depressing at times....

    He needs to realize that hes not a lone soldier, and when he is down- he brings you down too.


    You dont want to leave over this right? Then try to extract some answers out of him with kindness.

    Keep reassuring him that " you love him" but let him know that you feel like you are not emotionally being taken care of...

    he reenlisted and found out that what he got was not what he signed up for...
    you could hand that right back to him and let him know that you didn't sign up for a melancholy , mediocre relationship .

    just keep trying and when all else fails let him know that hes damn lucky to have a wife that tries so hard because there are soldiers working their asses off just like him with no one to come home too!


    LOTS OF
    Thanks The problem is, we have the same talk every 3 weeks or so where I tell him my needs are not being met and that I need him to work on the marriage like I do, because I can't carry it on my shoulders alone. He always just tells me he doesn't know what to say. Having a real talk with him is like pulling teeth. He'll listen to everything I have to say, but when it comes to him formulating a response, he just can't. He'll usually just respond by pulling me closer, and when I ask him for his thoughts he just says "I don't know". Gahhh he's so impossible! He admits he isn't doing as much for our relationship as he should, but it's like he just cannot get himself far enough out of his own ass to do anything about it.
  6. *Live Free or Die* New Hampshire born & raised <3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moxie View Post
    Thanks The problem is, we have the same talk every 3 weeks or so where I tell him my needs are not being met and that I need him to work on the marriage like I do, because I can't carry it on my shoulders alone. He always just tells me he doesn't know what to say. Having a real talk with him is like pulling teeth. He'll listen to everything I have to say, but when it comes to him formulating a response, he just can't. He'll usually just respond by pulling me closer, and when I ask him for his thoughts he just says "I don't know". Gahhh he's so impossible! He admits he isn't doing as much for our relationship as he should, but it's like he just cannot get himself far enough out of his own ass to do anything about it.

    some guys are horrible communicators... (my DB can be that way)
    the stripes on a tiger are hard to change

    but you know that in your heart you are doing/saying everything you can...so give yourself credit and put it in Gods hands.

    Maybe a little me time could help with the stress... you owe yourself some chocolate or shoes

    if hes not focused on you , then you should focus on you !
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    #7
    ps- you look so pretty in your wedding dress in your siggy!
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by bobcatsgirl18 View Post
    some guys are horrible communicators... (my DB can be that way)
    the stripes on a tiger are hard to change

    but you know that in your heart you are doing/saying everything you can...so give yourself credit and put it in Gods hands.

    Maybe a little me time could help with the stress... you owe yourself some chocolate or shoes

    if hes not focused on you , then you should focus on you !
    my DB sucks at communicating in person but he emails me or texts me he finally gets it out.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Loving View Post
    Hmmm.... I can tell you what worked for me when DH was having similar issues with his job and letting it affect his home life, but this ONLY works if you have a similar communication style to us.

    I told him, straight up, that he needed to suck it up. It was kinda mean, and very, very blunt, but it's what he needed to hear. I sat him down and said "I know you hate your job right now, and I'm sorry, and I wish I could change it, but I can't. At the same time, it cannot continue to affect your attitude at home or it will destroy us. So find a way to suck it up, sailor (he's an Airman but sailor alliterated better), cuz I'm not ok with us getting destroyed."

    And then I dropped it, we probably had some sex, and he took some time to think about it and how he could turn things around.

    That's the way our communication works though, and I'm not sure what your style is so this might be a horrible, horrible way to go about it for you.

    I'm sorry this is causing you heartache.
    I may have to try this...I mean I've tried everything else so it can't hurt. He's usually such an optimist and he's never let anything bother him like this before. This has been going on since December and getting worse, I really don't want to waste anymore time especially since he's deploying again next year. This just really wasn't how I thought our first year of marriage would be.
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by bobcatsgirl18 View Post
    ps- you look so pretty in your wedding dress in your siggy!
    Thanks
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