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Thread: Not sure if I'm expecting too much

  1. Fresh Newbie
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    #1

    Not sure if I'm expecting too much

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    So my fiance and I don't have the easiest relationship, with us both having followed our own separate goals while continuing to date. He joined the Marines, and I did my pre-med coursework and now am in my 1st year of med school while he is deployed. I'm going to med school a few hours from his base, but his base/where I am is a few hour plane flight from home (where we're both from).

    He loves the military but misses home a lot, and he wants to move there when he gets done with the military (in a year and a half-ish). When he's done, I will still have 2 more years left of school here, and then after that I will try to get a residency program back home, but it is going to be difficult, because they are competitive programs. So there's really no guarantee I'll be able to go back until after my training, although I will try my best. I really want him to move here with me after he is done with the military. He wants to go to college, and there are plenty of colleges here he could go to. But he always says he wants to go back home, and that "who knows maybe I will move where you are but right now I want to go back."

    I really resent him for this. I mean... after waiting 4 years for him to do the military, I kind of expect him to move in with me. Especially once we get married. It's all about compromise and I don't feel like he's willing to do that. I honestly feel like he would rather be long distance until I'm done with training than have to move where I am (if it's not back home).

    How would you guys feel? As though it's not worth it? I know he loves me, but I'm not sure he loves me in the way I want him to. I want to actually be TOGETHER not states apart for years and years. That's not together. I'm just frustrated. and hurt.

    I brought it up today, but I shouldn't have. He got upset. We've been able to talk maybe once a month lately because of the type of job he has. He's deployed to Afghanistan. I can't really talk to him about it until he gets home. But when he gets back, I feel like I need to have a real sit-down conversation with him about the future, and about what he would do if I didn't get a residency back home. Because if I don't get one and he's not willing to move with me... then well... I hate to say it because I love him, but I don't know how this is going to work It just feels like I'm putting all my heart into this and he's not.

    I love him and want it to work, but I think about the possibility of 9+ years (depending on my specialty) of our relationship being long distance and it makes me sick. I want for him to want to move where I am.
    Last edited by USMCfiancee; 03-07-2011 at 02:38 AM. Reason: somehow forgot to mention he's currently deployed
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    #2
    I would kinda be like WTF also. I don't know if it would be worth it to me. Ya okay, if he just wants to live wherever you guys are from for the rest of his life then that is what he wants to do. But YOU have to finish doing what you are doing and then take the job that is best for you, not the one you are going to settle for because of some guy.
  3. Formerly known as coloradokitkat
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    #3
    Honestly, to me, home is where the heart is. I LOVE my home state, I miss it SO SO SOOOO much. BUT I love my husband more and his job has taken him to North Carolina so that's where I am. And I know that when he gets out of the military, I will hopefully have my degree by then and he will go where ever I need to go to do what is best for MY career. Because he loves me and our family more than any geographical location. If my husband weren't willing to go with me and nothing was tieing him down (job/career, family matters, etc.) I would definitely feel as if he didn't support me and my goals/career. I can understand being apart if both parties have schooling or major goals to pursue and finish, but "moving back home" isn't a major goal in my eyes. Your hometown will always be there and he can go visit whenever he wants. But honestly, I would be put off too if I were you.
  4. Fur/Feather/Scale Momma
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    #4
    Yeah that is a tough situation sorry you are dealing with this.

    I would be concerned too if he was not looking to move in with you while you were completing your goals and yet you worked with his job. I know that if DB and I were to get engaged after I finished school I would go out to Germany to be with him even though its in a whole other country.

    That is a real toughie. But I would be nervous about future situations that arise... like what if you get an offer for the perfect residency way aways from home? What would he want to do? I think maybe that this is going to have to be a conversation for when he gets home possibly... being deployed is hard enough and I'm sure that is a big reason why he misses home. Maybe he just needs to be home and be with his family for a bit and realize he is being silly and move in with you.

    its tough to say... either way I hope the right decision is made and you know it is the right decision you know the situation better than any of us do.

    Fur/feather momma to Zeus, Inky, Doodle, and Hermes
  5. In vino veritas
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    #5
    I would probably be upset if it were me. I mean, LDR's suck, and if you don't absolutely have to, why do it? Once he gets out, there is no reason he couldn't come live with you, so maybe when he gets back from deployment you can talk about it with him. Explain that, yes, you will try to go home, but it may not happen based on the totally annoying match process, and there is a chance you could end up anywhere. See if he will move with you for a few years. Relationships require a little give and take on both sides, and it seems like he is doing more taking than giving.
  6. MilitarySOS Jewel
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    #6
    I definitely get why you are upset. DB REALLY wants to go to California in 2.5 years (after we get married) and it will make my career path much harder. I've also never had a desire to go to California and this is by his choice, not a mandatory PCS (not sure if that's correct lingo but I'm going with it). However, I love him and I want us both to be happy so I promised him I'll go. He wanted to get stationed in Florida but chose Norfolk instead so while I finished out college he could be closer. Then I started law school near him. Now I think it's my turn to make a geographical sacrifice for him.

    You are right OP, it is about compromise and it sounds like your DB is expecting you to do all the compromising. Not okay. You deserve better.
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    #7
    Thanks guys for the responses, it's kind of reassuring to know I'm not the only one who would feel this way. I am definitely going to have to talk to him more about it after he gets home. I think the hard part for me is that he gets upset and says that yes, he wants to live with me and yes I'm important to him, but his friends and family are all also important and they are all back home. I wouldn't say he's necessarily attached to the geographic location as much as he is family and friends. But I mean, we're going to be starting our own family, and then I think that should come first. I also told him that exact thing - "home is where the heart is," and he says he knows but his heart isn't only with me.

    I feel like long distance isn't nearly as hard on him as it is on me. Guess we must have different love languages, huh? Hopefully, he is willing to make some compromises with me.
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    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by USMCfiancee View Post
    .

    I feel like long distance isn't nearly as hard on him as it is on me. Guess we must have different love languages, huh? Hopefully, he is willing to make some compromises with me.
    I can definitely sympathize with you here!

    I moved from Australia to be here with my DH. It required me giving up my career, my car, my family and friends, my.. well, everything really.

    But i love him, and most of those things didn't and couldn't mean anything near what he means to me.

    Home is where the heart is.. and he is my home, so I don't care if we live in a tent in the middle of the desert... as long as i have him it will be worth it! and fortunately, he understands my sacrifices and really tries to accomodate me the best he can.

    You have ever right to want your career, to want to do something that makes you happy. But unfortunately, marrying someone in the Military means you usually sacrifice everything in order to make it work. We SO's really are the glue that holds the military together!

    He is being 100% selfish if he cannot see where you are coming from. One thing I have always known is that if two people REALLY love each other... the entire world won't keep them apart. If he isn't willing to have this attitude, and make some sacrifices for you also.. then maybe you should do some soul searching and ask if this really is the right person for you? if he is... it'll happen! But it won't be easy.

    Good Luck OP! We are all rooting for you! =)
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    #9
    I can totally sympathize because I am in a similar boat - but we still have 2 years to figure it out. I graduate with PhD in 2013 and he either re-enlists or gets out in 2013- but he reallys wants to move back to our home in FL or stay in SD and I don't necessarily want to do either because both really limit me on what Universities I can get a job at...

    I think the most important thing here is compromise. There is absolutely no reason why you should cut your goals and dreams short - if you can get a residency back home, GREAT! But that severely limits you. I think it is necessary that ya'll talk about this - even if it means bringing it up when hes deployed. I know that is prob the last thing that you want to do given the limited communication, but it is something that is clearly weighing on your mind. If you can hold off- great..but I don't think anyone would fault you for bringing it up again.

    I really hope he makes compromises - that's what love (and marriage) is all about. I hope it works out for you, OP!!! Big hugs
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    #10
    Thanks everyone for the advice. Marinecorpgf, it does sound like you are in a similar boat - I hope you guys get everything figured out, too!

    I've had this conversation with him in the past but have never really gotten a clear answer from him. I'm going to try holding off on having a big talk about it until after he gets back from leave, so that we talk after he gets a chance to go home for a bit since I know he is homesick. I actually wrote a letter that puts my thoughts together really well I think, basically explaining that I don't want to force him to move here with me, but if he chooses to go back home, I don't want to be in a long distance relationship for years and years. It will have already been 4 years of long distance by that point (5 if I count when we were only an hour or so apart). I decided to write a letter so that he could read it and have time to think about what I said before talking right away, so that it hopefully doesn't turn into a big argument. I'll give him the letter later when I think it would be a good time to talk about it. I donno, we'll see. I'm definitely nervous.
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