Military Significant Others and Spouse Support - MilitarySOS.com
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 37

Thread: Going to bed angry? ***UPDATE IN POST 36***

  1. OG Member
    April Lynne's Avatar
    April Lynne is offline
    OG Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Houston, Tx area
    Posts
    18,492
    Blog Entries
    5
    #1

    Help Going to bed angry? ***UPDATE IN POST 36***

    Advertisements
    So DF and I have been arguing the last two days about something and last night I was so frustrated with it all and I felt like we were getting no where so I just told him I was done talking about it, we sat in silence for about an hour and then I got up and went to bed without saying anything to him. He stayed up and watched TV for 4 more hours and by the time he came to bed I was asleep.

    We woke up this morning not talking, we finally talked about it in the truck on the way to his job but honestly I still feel like it's an unresolved issue....I'm so frustrated by it!!


    So my question is, the whole never go to bed angry thing....how do you resolve something that you feel like you're getting no where with? I mean we were just talking in circles, , how do YOU handle a situation like this?

    Do you go to bed angry or do you just talk it all out no matter how long it takes right that minute?

    Update is post 4


    I need some words of wisdom and advice here ladies because I'm stressin'....

    #2 **Update in Post 36**
    Last edited by April Lynne; 03-04-2011 at 09:54 AM.


  2. I just can't even...
    Hottie.'s Avatar
    Hottie. is offline
    I just can't even...
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Alerbamer
    Posts
    18,159
    Blog Entries
    2
    #2
    Well it really depends on what you're arguing about. If it's something petty you both need to just agree to disagree. But if it's something very important then you need to find some way to compromise. It's hard to give better advice with so little information but I hope this helps some.

    have confidence that you both can work it out!
  3. The Decider
    Brianna Banana's Avatar
    Brianna Banana is offline
    The Decider
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Tempe, AZ
    Posts
    12,773
    Blog Entries
    1
    #3
    If one of you starts to get frustrated or things start to escalate, you need to take a break of at least 30 minutes. If you don't feel like you are going to accomplish anything with continuing the conversation, take a break and revisit.

    I am not one that advocates staying up late and resolving the issue.

    I also was listening to a CD by John Gottman (one of the biggest relationship researchers) a few weeks ago, and he said that somewhere near 60% of arguments are over perpetual issues - issues that most likely will never go away no matter how many times you discuss them. So there are definitely going to be times when you can't resolve something before bed and will need to call a truce.

    The silent game generally doesn't help the situation, though. Take half an hour, an hour, whatever you need, and then call a truce before bed. Tell him you love him, you're going to bed, and you would like to continue this conversation later.
    Next time you shop on Amazon, click through this link to help an amazing veterans' organization!

    My 101 blog
    The Arizona Oenophile. Wine snobbery!


    Lovin' up on WiggleWiggle~ since 04.06.2011!
  4. OG Member
    April Lynne's Avatar
    April Lynne is offline
    OG Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Houston, Tx area
    Posts
    18,492
    Blog Entries
    5
    #4
    Quote Originally Posted by DCWife09 View Post
    Well it really depends on what you're arguing about. If it's something petty you both need to just agree to disagree. But if it's something very important then you need to find some way to compromise. It's hard to give better advice with so little information but I hope this helps some.

    have confidence that you both can work it out!
    It's not really something that's petty, at least I don't consider it petty. He used to smoke, he quit before we got together and said he's done with it. Well now he admits to having smoked a couple of cigarrettes like it's no big deal. But to me it's a big deal, I'm not a smoker and he has always told me he's not anymore. He just wants me to be ok with it, he thinks that having a cigarette every now and then is ok but I don't agree, I think it's going to turn back into a regular habit and that's not ok with me.


    With that being said, to me it's not a make or break our relationship thing...I mean if it's something that he feels like he needs to do on a regualr basis to be a happy person I could probably learn to live with it but I don't want too.


    UGH! Am I being dumb here?


  5. was ncgirl
    LittleBlueFishie's Avatar
    LittleBlueFishie is offline
    was ncgirl
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    6,567
    #5
    hmm, it sounds like you guys are pretty upset.

    We've had disagreements that took several days to work out. It was a matter of each having time apart to think, sharing our developed viewpoints, taking time to reflect on the others viewpoints and then talking again. Thats just how we do things though. It takes the pressure off of each of us to come up with a resolution that minute or hour.


    Adventures In Love
    Follow Me: http://inthemiddletoday.blogspot.com/<----Started blogging again Updated 9/06/2012
    yeah, after a very long time of not using it I am trying to blog again!
  6. Account Closed
    marvies's Avatar
    marvies is offline
    Account Closed
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    4,752
    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by DCWife09 View Post
    Well it really depends on what you're arguing about. If it's something petty you both need to just agree to disagree. But if it's something very important then you need to find some way to compromise. It's hard to give better advice with so little information but I hope this helps some.

    have confidence that you both can work it out!


    Maybe y'all can take a step back from each other, be alone and y'all think about this argument and then come back and try to discuss it?

    I really don't have much advice because me and DF haven't had such a bad argument, and in the end we both agree that the argument was silly and we shouldn't be mad at each other.
  7. OG Member
    April Lynne's Avatar
    April Lynne is offline
    OG Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Houston, Tx area
    Posts
    18,492
    Blog Entries
    5
    #7
    Quote Originally Posted by marvies View Post


    Maybe y'all can take a step back from each other, be alone and y'all think about this argument and then come back and try to discuss it?

    I really don't have much advice because me and DF haven't had such a bad argument, and in the end we both agree that the argument was silly and we shouldn't be mad at each other.
    The bolded is how things go with us most of the time. We generally both state our own view points and the other says, "Oh I didn't think of it like that" and we move on....this doesn't seem to be so simple.

    I love him so much, too much to let something like this come between us, maybe I'm overreacting?


  8. was ncgirl
    LittleBlueFishie's Avatar
    LittleBlueFishie is offline
    was ncgirl
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    6,567
    #8
    Quote Originally Posted by April Lynne View Post
    It's not really something that's petty, at least I don't consider it petty. He used to smoke, he quit before we got together and said he's done with it. Well now he admits to having smoked a couple of cigarrettes like it's no big deal. But to me it's a big deal, I'm not a smoker and he has always told me he's not anymore. He just wants me to be ok with it, he thinks that having a cigarette every now and then is ok but I don't agree, I think it's going to turn back into a regular habit and that's not ok with me.


    With that being said, to me it's not a make or break our relationship thing...I mean if it's something that he feels like he needs to do on a regualr basis to be a happy person I could probably learn to live with it but I don't want too.


    UGH! Am I being dumb here?
    I can understand your frustration. Does he want you to be ok with it in the future if he has a few cigarettes every few days? I can see that it is an addiction that is very hard to break, and many relapse several times.

    I think I'd be more upset that he's not validating your right to have an opinion and feeling about it (if I read what you said correctly).

    And to your original question, I would and have gone to sleep upset. There really arent any arguments we've had that can be solved real quick. That "rule" just doesnt really work for me. I like (and need) sleep to much.


    Adventures In Love
    Follow Me: http://inthemiddletoday.blogspot.com/<----Started blogging again Updated 9/06/2012
    yeah, after a very long time of not using it I am trying to blog again!
  9. OG Member
    April Lynne's Avatar
    April Lynne is offline
    OG Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Houston, Tx area
    Posts
    18,492
    Blog Entries
    5
    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by ncgirl View Post
    I can understand your frustration. Does he want you to be ok with it in the future if he has a few cigarettes every few days? I can see that it is an addiction that is very hard to break, and many relapse several times.

    I think I'd be more upset that he's not validating your right to have an opinion and feeling about it (if I read what you said correctly).

    And to your original question, I would and have gone to sleep upset. There really arent any arguments we've had that can be solved real quick. That "rule" just doesnt really work for me. I like (and need) sleep to much.
    The bolded is EXACTLY how I feel, he doesn't understand why it's a big deal to me...he doesn't hear or want to hear my issues with it. I don't know how to express myself the way I need to inorder to make him understand.


  10. The Decider
    Brianna Banana's Avatar
    Brianna Banana is offline
    The Decider
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Tempe, AZ
    Posts
    12,773
    Blog Entries
    1
    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by April Lynne View Post
    It's not really something that's petty, at least I don't consider it petty. He used to smoke, he quit before we got together and said he's done with it. Well now he admits to having smoked a couple of cigarrettes like it's no big deal. But to me it's a big deal, I'm not a smoker and he has always told me he's not anymore. He just wants me to be ok with it, he thinks that having a cigarette every now and then is ok but I don't agree, I think it's going to turn back into a regular habit and that's not ok with me.


    With that being said, to me it's not a make or break our relationship thing...I mean if it's something that he feels like he needs to do on a regualr basis to be a happy person I could probably learn to live with it but I don't want too.


    UGH! Am I being dumb here?
    I don't think you're being dumb at all. However, if it's not a make-it-or-break-it issue, I think it probably doesn't need to be dragged out into a several-day argument.

    I would sit down and say "Y'know, this is really frustrating to me. I don't like to argue with you, but this is an issue that is really important to me. My concern is that your smoking will go back to a regular habit, and I [whatever - can't imagine living with a partner that smokes regularly, or whatever your view is]. I don't really think this is something we can come to a compromise on. I just want you to know that I wish you wouldn't smoke [so often, at all, whatever the case may be]. It doesn't change how much I love you, but [insert reason for frustration - raising kids around cig smoke, health concerns, etc.]," and then leave it be.

    With perpetual arguments, there really is no solution. For some things, K and I used to go to a counselor, and that's certainly an option if you want to do that, but it doesn't seem like there's too much a counselor would be able to do here.
    Next time you shop on Amazon, click through this link to help an amazing veterans' organization!

    My 101 blog
    The Arizona Oenophile. Wine snobbery!


    Lovin' up on WiggleWiggle~ since 04.06.2011!
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •