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Thread: Why Am I Holding Back?

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    #1

    Duh Why Am I Holding Back?

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    Hey ladies, maybe you can help me with this: DB and I have been dating for going on 8 months so things are still very new, but are very serious. You would think with all of the things we've gone through (break ups and make ups) that we've been together for years!

    Now, when I say serious, I mean, very. DB is graduating from BC in 22 days, I'm very excited to see him! In his letters he's proposed (waiting a year though) and asked me to move with him to his 25 week AIT station (which I've accepted).


    His letters make me smile, he has to say "I fucking miss, and love you" at least 15 times in each letter, and they look like an 8th grader with a major crush has written them I've known him to be a very passionate/emotional guy as his mother says. However, I don't feel like I've put as much into the relationship as I could in the past.

    My DB is the first REAL love I've experienced and I've done some shotty things to him and he's always forgiven me. (nothing too extreme) I'm at the point where I want to love him as much as I can, you know, the real way a woman truly loves a man but I think something's holding me back. I'm not afraid to get my heart broken, but it's definitely something else. How do I assure myself and give him the love he deserves?

    EDITED: I think what I put in earlier about the marriage stuff wasn't necessary and not the "point" so I removed it.
    Last edited by armygf1985; 02-28-2011 at 12:32 AM.
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    #2
    Well....this is a tough one, since I don't know you or your situation too well but I would say try and figure out why exactly you've been holding back...cause figuring that out will be the first step in getting past it, and fully committing yourself to him and the relationship.

    Sorry I can't be more help lol
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    #3
    Quote Originally Posted by ahl389 View Post
    Well....this is a tough one, since I don't know you or your situation too well but I would say try and figure out why exactly you've been holding back...cause figuring that out will be the first step in getting past it, and fully committing yourself to him and the relationship.

    Sorry I can't be more help lol

    Maybe there is something about him that you are hesitant about or worries you? i.e. maybe something from his past...just guessing though/throwing out ideas
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    #4
    My advice? Drop those boundaries and feelings of resistance. And just go with what your heart says to do. He sounds like a really good guy Marriage and kids are scary. I'm not gonna lie. But they are also very wonderful. It's scary because your constantly thinking "what if something goes wrong?" but you have to stop thinking like that. Love knows no boundaries. Your holding back because your scared. And thats normal. It would be weird if you weren't. But if you really love this guy with everything that you are, let it go. There will be times when you'll fight and it may not be flowers and roses everyday but communicate communicate communicate and everything will be fine. And always over-use the words "I Love You". thats the best advice I have
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by armygf1985 View Post
    Hey ladies, maybe you can help me with this: DB and I have been dating for going on 8 months so things are still very new, but are very serious. You would think with all of the things we've gone through (break ups and make ups) that we've been together for years!

    Now, when I say serious, I mean, very. DB is graduating from BC in 22 days, I'm very excited to see him! In his letters he's proposed (waiting a year though) and asked me to move with him to his 25 week AIT station (which I've accepted). In his letters he speaks of getting married, and having kids all which scare the crap out of me. He's turning 25 next week, and I will be 26 in a few weeks so most people would assume it's the perfect age to settle down. I've spoken to him about my feelings, wanting to wait and how much better it will be if we were both established in our careers. He's agreed but he still mentions marriage (as in tying the knot in the next 6 months in Texas) He's even bragged to his platoon that while they were going to be out hunting down "pie" he was going to be off getting married.

    He's also said a lot of his platoon is married or has kids and he feels left out. And how much extra money we'd get if we were married, better housing, and I could go with him overseas (if the army allows) I think those are wonderful things, but I also know that the army has the highest divorce rate in the military, and housing allowances aren't anything if you are unhappy. I don't want to rush, and we still have some kinks to work out. DB and I both have slight anger issues. He seems like a different man through his letters, and I know the military can change you (army brat here) but I need to know that his previous insecurities aren't just hidden. I don't want to marry a man I feel like I can't calm down in an argument without him storming out and coming back 10 min later still pissed. Also, DB is a provider, but having just left the nest, I think he still has a lot of growing up to do which I'm positive the military will force. He depended on his parents while I held down my own apartment, job, and schooling yet he felt he knew more.

    His letters make me smile, he has to say "I ****ing miss, and love you" at least 15 times in each letter, and they look like an 8th grader with a major crush has written them I've known him to be a very passionate/emotional guy as his mother says. However, I don't feel like I've put as much into the relationship as I could in the past.

    My DB is the first REAL love I've experienced and I've done some shotty things to him and he's always forgiven me. (nothing too extreme) I'm at the point where I want to love him as much as I can, you know, the real way a woman truly loves a man but I think something's holding me back. I'm not afraid to get my heart broken, but it's definitely something else. How do I assure myself and give him the love he deserves?

    If you're not ready... you're not ready. If you two are meant to be, nothing will change if you guys wait a little bit longer. I am a believer that a woman should be established and independent and not depend on anyone in the case that it doesn't work out for some reason. Of course, I hope it works out for you, and he sounds like a great guy. But there is definitely something to be said for having yourself grounded before taking a huge leap to marriage and moving in with someone.


    I think you hit the nail on the head with being concerned about the high divorce rate. I think a lot of people rush into marriage and kids etc without being fully ready. At the end of the day, if something is telling you to wait.. I'd wait. When you're ready, you'll be able to give yourself fully to him.
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    #6
    Quote Originally Posted by ahl389 View Post
    Well....this is a tough one, since I don't know you or your situation too well but I would say try and figure out why exactly you've been holding back...cause figuring that out will be the first step in getting past it, and fully committing yourself to him and the relationship.

    Sorry I can't be more help lol
    I think it may be an assortment of things. Me not really knowing how to love. I mean, everyone has their own way, and it shouldn't be copied or scripted. And it may be because of his insecurities, and me afraid that the letters are just covering some of his reality (actions) You've done a more help than you think Thank you.
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    #7
    In my experience, having a lot of "break ups and makeups" in a relationship is never a good sign. Healthy relationships do not go through such emotional rollercoasters like that, especially not within 8 months (you're still in the honeymoon phase, so if things are already rocky, they probably wont get better after the honeymoon is over and reality sets in) so your acting like it's a normal thing that longterm couples go through worries me. I can see why you'd have reservations about getting married to this guy if you have a history of having an off and on relationship. If you get married, that trend cannot continue.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moxie View Post
    In my experience, having a lot of "break ups and makeups" in a relationship is never a good sign. I can see why you'd have reservations about getting married to this guy if you have a history of having an off and on relationship. If you get married, that trend cannot continue.
    Yeah, I mean, there have been 2-3 in the past 8 months but since he's been gone we haven't even fought. Of course this is probably because I don't want to, especially with him leaving and arguing through letters is so 9h grade lol.

    Edited: We've broken up once but we've gotten upset and threatened all the other times, didn't last longer than 2 weeks lol.
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by armygf1985 View Post
    I think it may be an assortment of things. Me not really knowing how to love. I mean, everyone has their own way, and it shouldn't be copied or scripted. And it may be because of his insecurities, and me afraid that the letters are just covering some of his reality (actions) You've done a more help than you think Thank you.
    Glad I could help, and I hope it works out for you
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    #10
    Quote Originally Posted by marinecorpgf View Post
    If you're not ready... you're not ready. If you two are meant to be, nothing will change if you guys wait a little bit longer. I am a believer that a woman should be established and independent and not depend on anyone in the case that it doesn't work out for some reason. Of course, I hope it works out for you, and he sounds like a great guy. But there is definitely something to be said for having yourself grounded before taking a huge leap to marriage and moving in with someone.


    I think you hit the nail on the head with being concerned about the high divorce rate. I think a lot of people rush into marriage and kids etc without being fully ready. At the end of the day, if something is telling you to wait.. I'd wait. When you're ready, you'll be able to give yourself fully to him.
    Quote Originally Posted by Moxie View Post
    In my experience, having a lot of "break ups and makeups" in a relationship is never a good sign. Healthy relationships do not go through such emotional rollercoasters like that, especially not within 8 months (you're still in the honeymoon phase, so if things are already rocky, they probably wont get better after the honeymoon is over and reality sets in) so your acting like it's a normal thing that longterm couples go through worries me. I can see why you'd have reservations about getting married to this guy if you have a history of having an off and on relationship. If you get married, that trend cannot continue.
    100%


    IMHO it doesn't even sound like y'all are ready to live together, and it sounds like things have been rocky enough to make you question things.Although, moving in with him will also either break or build your relationship further because you never truly know someone till you live with them.
    Listen to the gut because love and be very very blind.

    Also wanted to add, I never once have questioned my husband, and he has treated me with respect and cared for me since the day I met him. I don't think its ever healthy to go threw being "threated" of a break up just because of a fight that lowers self esteem.


    Good luck and don't rush things it sounds like you already know where this is going, and you sound like I did with my ex I kept giving him chances and thought I "loved" him. In the end after getting me pregnant he cheated. Not saying this is you DB but it's not good that you are questioning take a step back and listen to you gut. Is this a man you want to spent your life with? Is this the man you want to father your children? Is it going to last?
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